Ok I will do that. I just feel like this is pushing him a little when he seems rather vulnerable and taking so much personal. I will update after speaking with him
JE

Well I chatted with FWH and he decided it was for sure the right thing to do. He called them all to the kitchen and we had a wonderful family chat/discovery evening.
Each one spoke thier mind about what happened. The girls did not have a clue about the A. They knew we were working on the M, as we did tell them we were having marriage problems.
DS 17 Said that we all have to live with our choices. That from those choices comes either good or bad. He is hoping for the good to come.
DD 15 Said that the one thing she has lost from his A is respect for him. That what he did to me and them hurts, and she has no respect for him.
DD 14 twin A chose not to reply at all
DD 14 twin B asked about length, time, and how could he chose to "remarry" me when he was with someone else

Also DD 15 finally with this chat, came out and told her 2 sisters and brother that she was depressed and on AD. It was her wish a few months ago when she started AD and counseling that they not know. She didnt want them to think she was crazy or tease her. We honored her wishes. Last night she came clean.

DS 17 also said that he was depressed in 7th grade(But not suicidal)because of the boys in school. He told us he is not anymore and doing great.

DD14 twins, chose not to reveal anything, dd14 twin A denys depression.

Well that is how it went. Quite well in my opinion. We all shed tears, hugged and made a committment to each other to spend one night a week as a family chatting and doing fun stuff.
JE

do you folks understand what "cutting" is all about? Don't get me wrong -I do realize that in some instances it is for attention...But in others...most, in fact, are an attempt to "replace" some pain that they are experiencing. You know, thinking that if thier arm hurts because of the cuts they made, they will be able to "fade out" the original pain. I have a niece who does this. She discloses to my teenage daughter, and since we are close, my daughter shares with me. It's a very complex issue. I think your "cutter" needs to see a therapist -and soon. My niece has progressed from that to very "dark" thoughts and such. She has a "xanga" that I visit occasionally, and the stuff I read on her journal...gosh. I know that with all that you are already dealing with (i.e. this place we have all met eachother at) it's got to be hard to consider dealing with something ELSE. However, a teenager can veer WAY off course amazingly fast, and it is in cases such as these that we see grieving families, dealing with losing a child to suicide. Things got out of control for those kids before thier parents were able to get ahold of the reins, and...BOOM...they're gone. If she's cutting and you KNOW about it, at least you have the benefit of that. At the very least, until you can get it together, keep her close.
Ahhhhh. If only all WS's realized that their selfishness causes endless suffering that travels great distances, maybe we wouldn't see so many 2nd & 3rd timers here. I wonder if your FWS would have chosen a different path (than to have A) had he been able to see into the future that this kid would start cutting as an incidental result of his A. I wonder how many WS's would try to deflect any accountability for that? Hmmmm, something to ponder, for me, anyway.
Luv ya girl. You guys are gonna be ok.

I forgot to add this to the above:

I was told by the counselor at the school, whom told me about my daughters depression, that an anon. source told her that my DD15 was cutting herself. My DD denies this. She has explained the whole depression, talked to her counselor (paid one not school one) and that counselor told me that she was not cutting. DD showed me her body too, and as a nurse, I can tell you she is not and has not.
It bothered DD to no end that the school counselor said that, and that she has been under scrutiny for it. Her depression is a true chemical problem, as is my FWH. She said that the marriage problems added, but told her dad and I that it was not the reason. She had been feeling depressed for 5 months before May. She just thought she would get over it, but didnt. She also was not suicidal, more like wondering if she died in her sleep would it be better, but no plan and no desire to end it all. She has been open with me since the day her and I went to the first dr.s appt and counselling session. When she feels down she tells me, when she is up she tells me. Last night is when she let us know that she does not cut, and the counselor had called to end sessions. Counselor said she was a wonderful kid and doing very well. Hopefully that helps a little with the depression areas.
JE

oh, that's a relief. I've had so much else to deal with ALONG with the healing, the healing takes a back seat every time. We've had some problems with our daughters as a result of the whole A thing. It's very frustrating to not be able to focus on our recovery. I'm so glad that you can. When I look at your posts and at his posts, I feel envious of the effort that you are making as a couple and as a team. It's wonderful.
I'm so happy for you...and that makes ME hopeful.

Monica,
I am getting there and so is he. We still have many mountians to climb. I am quite impatient and he happens to be rather slow. Doesnt always work well and I have to learn how to be patient.
You should be hopeful. This MB thing is amazing. We really were not heading anywhere at all until he came on here, now it is going in a forward motion. I think that many marriages could be saved with this site/info. I have high hopes for you and you H.
Keep me updated. I will help if I can or at least be a shoulder for you. Love ya.
JE

New question/vent?

When will this man ever get it?
Transparency- failure
Radical Honesty - failure
No LB- failure

When we went skiing with the kids, I did not want to go along. I am in alot of pain all the time. With new diagnosis of scoliosis and severe back pain between my shoulder blade, I did not want to ruin thier fun. But to spend time I agreed to go. Now I had no clue where this ski place was. I asked FWH where it was. He answers west of here. Ok I am female, I get that and have no clue where west or east of here is. Well we are driving and come up to the town OW lives in, and my stomach immediately wanted to heave. Then we get to pass right where she is working! I was sick and hurt. He knew where we had to go through to get there and chose not to tell me.
Then when DDay happened we agreed no more internet and no more separate email for him. He was addicted to porn on the internet, met OW on adultfriendfinders and had internet EA prior to PA. Now I find out he is back on the internet work for the third time since dday. Each time he promises no more. Then he is back on again. We talked about internet for MB and I agreed fully. But did not agree to free pass to internet and never would. That is one arena I do not think I will ever let go in. He was so addicted to the internet he would eat his meals in front of the computer and stay up late to be on there.
Since being on the internet with MB I was ok with internet for that. I will walk in an see how he is when posting, and he quickly closes the screen he is on then pops up MB and he has not even logged on to MB yet. When I ask him about it, he tells me he was just reading the posts. I then ask, ok what post were you reading? He responds, well none yet.

I am so ticked right now. He walks in a little while agof from work, looking weird. Stares at me, acts all innocent and kisses my cheek. That is the look and feel I got when he came home from work before when he was deep in the A. Now he is on MB because I asked when the last time he read and posted.
I just want to scream at him and LB like crazy. I wont but wanted to vent here to make me feel a little better.
Any ideas or suggestions?
JE

bump

Well after once again promising not to go on the internet, especially at work he calls to tell me he HAD to access it to activate his cell phone. Now am I being to controlling? I feel that a promise was made and never kept.
To go on again after VOWING 2 days ago to(once again) NEVER do it, then today he is back at it. I dont think he would have told me either. The cell phones are in my name. I have a verizon wireless accout to access and pay bills. To activate you have to know user name and password. He did not know them, and tried to access anyway and it got locked out. SO he called to ask. I got on it while on the phone with him and saw that it was locked out due to him trying to access it at work. So he came clean. But I feel he did because I would have known when I logged on to pay the bill or check the calls.
I am quite frustrated with this whole mess. I feel like a doormat and am no way going to go back there.
Am I wrong? Am I controlling to much? Should I allow free internet access to him when he continues to do these things?
JE

JE---let some of us work on him on his thread...he may come home with a bruise---i kinda just 2x4'd him!

Thank you Nikko, I am about done here. I dont think I can take much more.
But as ARK said in his post, I am trying like heck to be still.
JE

back off everything...friend and hubby.....

when a good friend of mine went through a second d-day---it rocked me so bad and i took it all out on my poor hubby who didnt do a darn thing....boy was he confused what the ****** was going on....lol

I have not taken it out on him. I have talked openly with him. He even asked to go to her to comfort her. I explained that in a BS mind, right now he is an enemy. I told her about him wanting to help, she got teary, and said to tell him thank you.
I am separating him from A stuff in a sense. I asked if he would talk to WH. He said, in WH state, no amount of talking would help. I get that now.
I will be careful. This did bring some issues up for me, but they were there anyway. But I do see your point. I will limit all of it as much as possible. Thank you Nikko.
Je

praying for you......

now, let me go check his thread....lol
i dont think he's gonna like me much right now.....i at one point became known to one very famous wh on here as his human hemmoriod....and in the end i was right and he finally got it. lets pray......lol

I am definately praying. Human hemorrhoid that is a good one. I really thought JL was getting to him, but with 4 days or so of no posts he slips right back to the old lostone...
I will keep trying to be still. And know he will have bumps. Thanks.
JE

it takes time....my hubby took yrs to get it....man was that hard. but i didnt give up. men can be so stubborn.lol did he give you the hug i sent ya????lol

just be still and let mb's work on him a bit.....find peace somewhere and give it some space and time.....its not a sprint...its a marathon....

just checking in on you---how ya doing??? i heard ya got a rose?

How the heck are you? Are you relaxing and recouping?
I am quite fine. Yes I did get a rose, and I thanked him and kissed him for it. I did give it away though and he is not real happy. He knows how allergic I am to them. I have severe allergies, from sniffels to headaches to anaphalatic reactions. The flowers especially a rose gives me a whopping headache. I know it was the thought, and I did thank him and I paid for lunch...LOL
Got my braces off today, and made a major life change too!!
FWH and I POJA'd and I am now going to be a SAHM! I have worked since I was 14 years old. But with breeding the dogs, I can now let the dogs pay for me to stay home with them and the kids. This places HUGE amounts of trust in him and I let him know that. No baby step there, a gaint leap.
When I was a SAHM for 2 years in our marriage, he LB'd constantly. He would remind me how HE PAID THE BILLS, HE MADE THE MONEY, etc. I let him know that would not be acceptable.
We weighed the good and the bad. With him working 3-11 and me 7-3, we do not see each other more than 5 hours a week on average. With me not working, the 15 hours a week will not be a problem. Financially we just have to not go nuts, and keep it locked down.
I can still pick up shifts if I want to or need to also. SO I told the owner today, and gave a 4 week notice. As he says I am required to being a dept. head, so I dont want to burn bridges, and will honor that.
I am scared to death now that he may leave me high and dry, but being a nurse I can just get another job. No biggy but maybe it will boost his EGO. LOL
JE

Wow, JE - Sounds good. If you need to pick up some money now and then, maybe you could do some private duty nursing. I have a friend that does it, and she picks her own hours and jobs, and really loves it.

I think I might do that, or work for hospice. They have been begging for me to come to them for 3 years now. I just get tooo attached. But maybe once in a while would be ok.
I hope this works.
JE