I will find it.

The WS perspective is a big hurdle. I really need a lot of help from you wonderful ladies that have been down that road. I might like to copy and paste some stuff you write that encourages her. Dorry - thanks for providing that.

We will see what becomes of it.

I came home from work today so Mrs. far could go to work for 3 hours. They have tons of valentines deliveries, and it will look good for her to go help get a lot of that done. I will work my 8 today after she gets back.

Thanks for your support.
far

FF - is the "After the Affair" book the one by Janis Springs?

Letting Mrs. FAR get a few hours in on Tuesday was a good thing.

We have been talking more. I called her today to ask if she found out what her court meeting is about. Apparently is the time she presents papers to the judge. She does not have an atty. I am still working on the marital separation agreement. I have an appt. with an atty that I liked talking to on the phone - set for Friday.

I told Mrs. FAR that I would have it this weekend for us to go through. She said she thought we had already discussed this - she is not interested in raking me over the coals. I told her it was just to make sure we both get what we want. She explored how to put off the finalization of the D, but did not seek counsel about it. All she found was a petition to withdraw the original pet for div. I told her I would ask the atty about it on Friday.

I have been very respectful, and making sure communication was very clear about what I am doing, and she is responding positively.

I thought about something she said the other night at the end of the date. She dug up some paper where I had logged some of the stuff that is suggested by the book for fathers fighting for their rights. It disturbed her - that I was keeping tabs on what she was doing with the kids.

I did not say - do not think I will need to - but have prepared this statement: " I am sure we have both written things that we wish the other had not read..." (re: all the emails with OM from last May) I hope it does not come up again.

I am rusty on the beginning stages of recovery. Last year at this time, I would know what to do. It has been such a long shot that I have forgotten. I want to get on the phone with Steve and have him tell us what to do. But Mrs. Far is kinda opposed at the moment to MB stuff.

But I have only just remembered fog talk this week. And how most of what they say is Krap. And I have been led to posts talking about how things we do that seem to generate a negative response do not actually cause harm, and possibly even continue the flow in the right direction.

I had become comfortable with my status, and now that it has changed I find myself becoming anxious again.

But then I realized... Give it to God. Then let it go.
And I did. Boy did that feel good.

Gotta keep giving.......


OK, my guides. Lead.

far

Janis Abrams. Excellent book BTW. Only one I could really relate to, though I love Torn Assunder too. I think this is a good sign that you still have embers for Mrs. FAR. Why not get on the phone with Steve by yourself? Update him about the changes and get his take on how to begin recovery. It is not unusual for the WS to be suspicious or resentful of the MB program.

Oh btw, here in CA you can just not finish the D and within a couple years it drops off the court radar. My atty told me that. He said it is better to do that than to file a petition to stop the D. That way you can still pick it up again if things don't work out.

OK - I have questions - but am with the kids this evening while Mrs. FAR works late.

This will be scattered -

The hearing for the final judgement is on Tuesday. I am urging her to ask for a 60 day continuance. I will be there and ask for it myself. She is still waffling.

She has gotten a couple of cards in the last three days, in the mail. No return address. I am curious, but at this point I want to not push her away by starting up with the jealousy stuff. She acts like she is still trying to make up her mind if she wants to be married.

I need to get on the phone with Steve. I think that is the best idea.

Mrs. FAR has been receptive to hugs the last few days. She does not let go.

And last night, I was kneeling beside her at her bed. Cuddling on her some. I told her "I want to touch your lips." Before I was finished with the last word, she responded "I want you to touch my lips."

For the first time in over a year, I touched her lips.

far

And another Q.

When the issue of SF comes up...
and it will....

I know I need to get a medical report stating she is clear of STDs.

How is the most non-confrontational way to do that??? I can imagine how I would feel getting that question. I know I need to state that it would do the family no good for both of us to get ill, or possibly die. But I perceive she might be offended. Then, there will likely NO SF....

I guess I better go get some protective sheaths.....

far,

When I came on the MB scene back in July, yours was one of the threads that I got much of my insight from. I don't think I ever posted to you back then, but I want to let you know that I did follow your story and was sad to hear you give up several months ago.

I remember you calling in to the Harley radio show and them telling you your M was in its final stages. I was sad for you and I could tell your love for your WW was running critically low. Heck, your signature said "my flame is out" or something of that nature.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm really pulling for you and your WW. I get the sense that she is stepping back from the edge of the abbyss and struggling with coming back to you.

You can do this, but it will probably take much effort and more time. I think you on the right approach by not pressuring her at this point and letting her slowly come back to you.

You've been at this an awful long time and it may be starting to turn around for you.

As for the STD issue, I would go with condoms for now until she feels safe enough to discuss the issue and getting tested.

You dissapeared for a few months...what happened? What do you think started the turn around in your WW? Did she hit bottom or crash?

I'm pulling for you my friend. You can become another success stroy!

Hope - thanks for your note. I appreciate it.

I received a lot of great advice from the likes of Mortar, WorthaTry, and many others. (Like at the academy - once you start naming names, you are likely to forget some of the most important folks. Every single person that posted to me is important, and has guided my path. I will be eternally grateful.) I, too, have harvested very important insight and advice from other's threads. (Gramn)

My flame had gone out. I pulled back, and began to adjust to the thought of life not married. I realized how incredibly important is is that I be with my kids EVERY DAY.

Long ago, Mortar gave me the analogy of the car battery that is going down, and you run it until does not click. At that point it is dead. Come back a few days later, and it will have regenerated enough juice to crank over a couple of times. That is where I am.

I think WW has begun to see the true nature of the men she has become friends with, and is beginning to realize that she does not want that. ( I think that because she has said that...) I believe that she has been watching me. I have changed. She has seen some changes, and I have told her about some of them. She did not seem to realize that I had become free from the bondage of internet porn over a year ago. I told her just a week or two ago. I had been doing another spiritual ritual that involved serious prayer for her, but stopped early in December. She asked about mid December how it was going. I told her I had stopped. That sunk in to her slowly. She seemed affected by that. (I have since started again.)
I am a different man than the one she thought she was divorcing, and she is beginning to question herself.

I do not know what is going on with her - but I feel like she feels like she is going through a personal he!!. I do not think she has hit rock bottom, but she may respond to just seeing it approaching.

I will be another success story whether we are married or not. This site has helped me grow so much.

I am not putting any eggs in a basket, yet, but I am hopeful.

I really appreciate your support. Thanks for your encouragement.

I have not followed your thread, but I will pray for you, bro.

far

FAR, this is very true! Let me think on the STD issue, though I agree with Hope that condoms are good thing too.

Well. Yesterday I went to the courthouse and sat in front of a judge with my wife. The judge questioned each of us, and my wife responded that she believes that no amount of counseling will repair the marriage. On March 29, I will no longer be married.

But Mrs. Far is in a strange place. We stepped outside the court, and I embraced her and she sobbed the deep sob that moves your whole body. We went to the car, and I embraced her and absorbed her tears. We sat in the car, and had a good conversation.

I think we are close to a breakthrough. She says there is a part of my personality that scares her. I wrote her a couple of notes - she will get them when she gets home from work at lunch. I will go to work and be there until almost 10pm tonite.

In the first note, I awoke at 12:44 this morning, and began writing the stuff that was in my head. It outlined how, even though she says she is not interested in romance right now, she will eventually be pursued and enjoy the exhilieration of that, and begin to court someone. I will know because of the familiar pain, rejection, and sleepless nights. She will withdraw from me. At that point I will decide, to protect my heart from bitterness and feelings that I do not wish to have about her, that it will be time for us to live in separate places.

Then I explained how, three or four nights a week, our kids will say "when is mommy coming home?" "Is daddy coming to play with me today?". I wrote about the phone calls, and the crying without the kids. I will cry for my kids. A lot.

I thanked her for the 12 years of loyalty, and stated that I have LOVED being her best friend.

I wrote to her that I know that parts of my personality scare her, and that I wished to talk to her for hours - days - years - so that I may understand what scares her, make it go away, and be the man that makes her feel 1000% secure.

I acknowledged that her situation is unique. I stated that every situation is unique, and that I communicate with with people every day who have felt the way she does, and now have the aforementioned security.

I stated, again, that God could redeem the marriage. But that He has given us the choice. And that I can not choose that path by myself.

At around 3:15am, I got too tired to write and went to bed.


Today I have been both sad about the end, and exhilerated about the possibilities. I wrote the second note about my excitement about the possibilities.

It is an amazing time. I swing pretty low at times, but mainly remain stable. Mrs. Far yesterday only saw a strong man, full of confidence and strength. I have a strange sense of peace, and I know that she senses it. It kinda drives her crazy, because she is in such confusion.

I may not be going by the book. But I am doing what I feel God is impressing me to do.

I will continue to study the successes here, and listen and learn. And pray.

far

I am slipping into a depressed state. (no - not clinical and not California) (and I am tired and have not slept much the last few nights)(well - OK - the last few hundred nights...)

All of my hope about a possible recovery is slipping away as I read the writing on the wall.

Mrs. Far has received three cards in the mail in the last week. No return address, and she slips them away quickly. She has stated that she is not interested in romance with anyone right now. (last time she said that was right before she dove in head first into one of her affairs)

The marriage will end on March 29.

I will now continue to plan for separate living spaces. I will consider a plan B - I think she is closer to responding to that than ever. But I do not have much more energy. I will complete the marital separation agreement and begin negotiating the terms of it with her.

The pain is not nearly as severe this time around. Just a lot of sadness for the kids and the opportunities they will miss out on.

Do you understand the peace in the midst of this storm? I still have peace. Thank GOD.
far

far
Yes, I do understand. You did all you could for sake of your kids and yes for your WW. You should have peace my friend. Hey your final date is my bday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Plan B at this point needs to be for YOU and your kids. Take care of yourself and those kiddos. Don't give up on us here ok?

far, I understand what you are going through right now am glad you have some peace during this tough time.

Didn't the Harley's say it was too late for Plan B in your case? Why did they say this?

I fully understand why you would want to go to Plan B right now since your energy level is so low and you need some time away from this madness.

You fought this hard and your kids will never be able to question your committment. You can take some solice in that.

Let us know what you do. take care

Faithful - Happy upcoming birthday!!!!

Thanks for telling me you understand. I feel like I have been standing in line for the rollercoaster, and my turn has come.

I will do all I can for the kids. Always.

I just had a fairly good conversation with WW. I think... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I can not give up!!!!! My kids need me to be a hero. And I will. And if my M is saved in the process, cool. Otherwise - everything will be ok.

I sure appreciate my Faithful friend.

far

Hope - the Harleys did not say it was too late for plan B. They said the M was over. That I had lost my wife. They say that because they have a combined 40 or more years experience, and have seen it all.

But as she stated Tuesday after the court appearance where the judge asked me if I thought that with counseling that the M could recover, and I responded "absolutely" - without hesitation - I am one stubborn son of a bicth. (maybe she said [censored]...) I told her "speak for yourself". She laughed and we embraced.

I will remain here for a long time. Gotta stay warm by the fire.

far

maybe you can change your screenname to onestubbornsob LOL

I truly admire your courage and determination. I too have found peace in understanding that *I* did not cause this mess. Took me a long, long time to believe that.

My bet is you are already a hero to your kids.

More quasi weirdness from w. She has not talked any more about reconciliation. She still seems to want to be divorced but live in the same house. I could go for that if she was not involved with anyone else. Who knows - she might accidentally fall in love with me.

I still think resolving the marriage is the best thing for the kids, for her, and for me. Well - I KNOW it will be best for the kids.

She has claimed she is not involved, and not interested in romance. (last time I heard that was a month before the A with the director) She is being pursued. She has gotten 4 or more anonymous cards since Valentines. She says she has no control over it. ( I think it is a person at the hospital where she works) Since she is not interested in reconciliation, she is not interested in me making it stop. (I have a very effective plan for that)

I need advice about a letter I want to write. I started writing it - but decided to seek advice first. In it I tell her I feel she is vulnerable, that I know one her needs is quality conversation, that I know our babysitter/friend fills part of that need, but that she will eventually need it to be met. (that is where I stopped writing..) I want to write: I would love to fill the need.

I am not sure what else. Maybe that the window is open, but about to close. That I will move on.

Any ideas. I feel the need to write her, but at a loss for words.

Thanks!

far

I'm at a loss for words for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Hoping someone else will jump in. Not much else I can say except to speak from your heart that you want what is best for you entire family including her and you feel strongly divorce is not the right path. That you want to be the one to fill those EN's of hers, especially conversation and you look forward to getting to know her on a deeper level. Then let her know you feel the window in your heart closing.

Saints on Fenceposts! It is uncanny how well the process is known. I have read about the actions ww would take, the feelings I would have. I am entering a rollercoaster phase of feelings. It feels like the final burn, but reading Believer lets me know that it is not. Reading Ark helps to calm the storm - straighten the curves.

Thanks, FF, for your reply.

God always sends the words. They will get here. (usually at 3am - bummer of a time, eh?) He will provide.

I will be still.

far

When is the next SoCal get together? T'would be good to meet those that Mel has so much fun putting down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking we should have you and Believer host the next one in your area or Nerly and Bellevue suggested Disneyland so the kids could go. We have to put our heads together.