you know irregardless isn't a real word, right?

just checking

be happy.

Hehehe, good point. At least bad English is better than bad manners or bad behavior! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Heartmending, thanks for a great explanation!

I agree that people vary tremendously in their sensitivity and ability to 'hear' messages. I think its important not only to avoid a few hurt feelings. I think its important because blasting someone with a message when they would have heard a whisper can mean they actually do not hear the message at all in the end.

If someone is a little deaf, the music needs to be loud before they can hear it at all.
If someone has excellent hearing, if the music is way too loud, it can become so annoying they stop listening.

I must agree: I have been told on a few threads that I can't disagree without being wrong!!!! But I've got thick skin. :-)

No Sfjaj, you've been told on a few threads that if you disagree with MB principles you will be told you are wrong. There is a difference and you don't seem to be getting that. Unfortunately.

No, I don't mind being told someone doesn't agree: it is in the approach someone takes: mean spirited or destructive

or Constructive

WOW, Excellent post!

I totally agree!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MND2K

I agree, also! Too many resort to hostilities when disagreeing

Talk to me anytime, Sfjaj! I'm with you...DJ's are not constructive...they are destructive.

I think getting rid of LB's is great for any relationship, not just marriage. Even discussion forum relationships!

Please keep posting, sfjaj. (I think we might be in similar boats, and I need to hear your perspective!)

Very Encouragingly,
Habiba

I see this board as a relationship...takes three parts to communicate on it...my part, the poster's part and the board. Like a marriage, I have to own my part. I can't make another own theirs. And when I disagree strongly, have a reaction to a post, I look inside me, first. In the end, I'll choose to honor the board, even when I don't want to honor the poster.

I believe this relationship will show the same signs as the marriages (perspectives) the posters are in. If there is disrespect in their lives, it is reflected here. If they expect rejection, they will see it. If they expect disrespect, they'll see that. That's their part, too.

Same as mine. I show respect by looking inside and owning what I find. That's how I grow. That's the beauty of this board...this relationship.

Might even say, the disrespect is essential to growth, as well as the respect. Maybe it is the only way for some posters to see it.

All human, all the time.

LA

LA, you have always shown posters respect, from what I have seen. You encourage me to try to improve and correct my errors. Others who condemn harshly just turn WS away who are trying to change

((((sfjaj))))

Hey, I was disrespectful for 43 years...I got some makin' up to do, Lucy.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for speaking your thoughts...I don't believe we can drive WS's away...maybe fulfill their expectation and feel entitled to leave? I dunno.

I do believe that exampling what you believe communicates more than message you're delivering. It's part of it.

LA

Question...FOR THE MODERATORS, PLEASE.

Is it the policy/guidlines of this forum that ONLY marriage builder specific advice/guidance/support be given on this forum? I realize that this is the MARRIAGEBUILDERS website, and completely recognize that fact. I actually respect that, and respect that the marriage builders program is absolutely the best program I've seen. But I also know what I've seen work in other instances, and know that while the story is nearly always the same, there are times when you have to modify the treatment to the specific circumstances.

Does this mean that the only authorized principles for recovery to be used are the ones as laid out here? No other recommendations are to be provided for posters that come here?

If I, as a former BS, make a suggestion to another poster on this site that is not in strict adherence with (or perhaps directly opposite to) those laid out by the strictures of the Marriage Builders program, am I crossing the lines for posting on this forum? Or is it acceptable to post a differing view based on either other recovery sources or personal experience?

AGAIN, I'm asking this of the MODERATORS ONLY. I have read the understandings of many of the posters here...I'm curious what the ACTUAL, ENFORCED standards are for this site.

Thank you.

Incidentally, everyone, on this site everyone's views do NOT count

nope, only yours seem to count- in fact they count so much other people are getting ignored. I'm sure that's exactly what you want isn't it?

All the attention goes to you- to heck with trying to save marriages- let's just stir up some trouble and take the focus off recovering marriages.

not true

I'm sorry...I just found the answer to my question further up in this very same thread. I should have read a little deeper...

According to Tempest:

So, the general guidelines are that other principles CAN be discussed/posted/whatever.

And...that any responses on this site should always be RESPECTFUL.

Got it...now I understand how this is supposed to work.

TESTIMONY OF A FOOL
As I sit here in my retirement home reminiscing about thoughts of years gone by,
I hope you listen to what I'm about to say, and this is the reason why.
You see, when I was just a young dad with a family of my own,
I was too blind to see that the things in life that mattered the most,
just one day might be gone.
I was only forty-five years old and had been married most all my life.
I had two teenage children, a lovely home, along with a faithful wife.
But my life became so boring with the same things happening each day.
Sex grew so monotonous, and my lust seemed to just slip away.
My wife, instead of my once lover, became my best friend.
I grew to love her more like a sister, or so I thought back then.
Lustful thoughts began invading my once faithful mind.
My wandering eyes became more wandering, most all the time.
I justified my actions though, for my wife just couldn't see,
that it was entirely her fault, what was happening to me.
She was always so involved with our young boy and girl,
that she didn't understand me, nor did she include me in her world.
She was always doing for others and somehow neglecting me.
How could she have been so blind that she couldn't even see,
what was happening to us.
When I reached out in lust and followed it through,
there was nothing in this world that my wife could do,
for I'd found the "love of my life",
a one of a kind, or so I thought.
My new wife was a looker, sexy and lean.
To me she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.
But shortly after we married she tried to make me over,
and that's when I knew that the honeymoon was over.
Oh how the years seemed to slowly slip away.
I thought about my first wife and children every day.
I could almost smell the biscuits as I'd crawl out of bed,
but now all that lay beside me was an aging sleepy head.
My first wife is now married to a jewel of a man I'm told.
He spoils her and cherishes her, and now he's growing old,
with the woman that I love.
My children, when they have time, come around every now and then,
but I can't help but reminisce what my life just might have been,
if I'd stayed home like I should have.
Now I'm old and all alone, living out my life in an old retirement home.
My second wife died and my children don't seem to care,
for they are now enjoying the dad who was always there.
Oh, if I could live my live all over again,
I wouldn't have been as selfish as I'd been back then.
I would now love my wife for being a wonderful mother,
and respect her and cherish her as my only lover.
But all these things just cannot be,
for now it's just too late for me.
But as for yourself you'd better think twice,
should you ever want to leave your wife.

WS, OWN YOUR AFFAIR, STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM!!!



Time to own it, time to claim responsibility, time to hold yourself accountable!!!!!!

No more, I was manipulated.

No more, I was taken advantage of.

No more, I was lonely.

No more, I was mistreated.

No more, my needs were not being met.

Stop playing the victim!!!!!!!! Once you take responsibility for your choices you can move on to recovery. If you are still feeling justified, you can not move ahead.

I will NOT give OM any credit in my choice to have an A. It was my choice, he did not have a gun to my head, I'm smarter than his smooth talk, I'm smarter than his manipulation, he did not win me over. I chose it, because of who I was. Not because of who he was. Would I chose it again, not on your life!!!

I am owning my Affair. I am taking responsibility for it. It was ME, not my H's neglect, not OM, it was ME!!!!!!!!!!

I'm asking all other WS, to claim responsibility, to hold yourself accountable, to know that it was all YOU, and move on to working on you, to make sure this doesn't happen again. Find out why you chose to have an A, and improve on yourself.

Rebuild yourself and your M. Stand up and say,"I" made a mistake, I am sorry, and I will lead my life differently so I do not repeat history.

When you have taking control, when you have stopped pointing the finger, when you own it, you can then move on from it. I really feel this is a pivotal step to recovering a better you and a better Marriage.

Once I stopped being the victim of my H's past behavior, and of the OM's lure, I was able to really embrace my mistake, and work through it, and see me for who I was at the time. I was able to see how my character flaws played such a huge part in my choice to have this A.

I'm in no way saying be proud of what you did. Just in case somebody misunderstands me. I'm just saying, admit your failures, admit it was you and your choice alone, admit there is something about you, that needs to be improved.

No more victims, WS & FWS. It was a very bad choice we made, but it was our choice, stand up and claim it.

I had an Affair because of my character flaws, and I'm taking steps everyday to create a better me for myself and for my H, so our marriage can be blissful and affair proof.

BS, step aside and allow them to take full responsibilty for this. I know it is less painful to think OP had control, your S failed you, it is they who need to be held acountable.

Stepping down off my soapbox.

Recovered wife, KY