I have a lot of info on OM and his W. What I don't have is contact info. I've utilized the computer, believe me. Even had an "associate" use his software. I can't drive 15 hours to stake out OM. I have no contacts where he lives so I can't ask for favors there either. Believe me, it's not like I'm not trying to get the info. It just hasn't been accessable yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Like I said, I have other wheels turning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for your input. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Afternoon, everyone!

Fridays can be so crazy! I work 4 x 10's M-TH, so today I am off. I really love it, because it gives me a whole extra day with my girls, and that makes a hectic M-TH totally worth it. But Friday morning I try and get some chasing around finished (grocery store, car wash, etc) and then we dash home for lunch. I just put DD2 down for her nap (she is so adorable, as I was walking out she said "I yub you!), and I can steal a few minutes to myself while DD1 watches "Pinky Dinky Doo" on NickJr. TV is a beautiful thing. Does that make me a bad mom?

Anyway, last night was quite nice. My H got home a little late as he was watching our nieces/nephew show their sheep at the local stock show (yes, we are hicks). I met him and the girls after work, and had planned to stay for a little bit, but he girls had their fill so I brought them home. H got home a few hours later after the girls were in bed. We laid in bed for a while and just chatted. Not about anything, really. But just talked, just like we always used to. It was so nice, and made me feel like maybe we really can keep this train on the tracks. I know I've mentioned that during his A we didn't talk--not really. Since I was too thick to see this for what it really was, I just worried that we had run out of things to say to eachother. So many times I wondered "What will we do when the kids get older and move out? Once we don't have them around we will have nothing left to say." So I guess I am grateful to find out that we still have plenty left to talk about after all.

Drex--it sounds like you are making some headway, and that is good. But I really still think you should find out where OM is and contact his W (I am assuming he is married). I feel like BS's need to stick together and support eachother, and I learned this the hard way. In my situation, my H and the OW started up their thing mid-October or so. On Christmas Day, the OW's H intercepted a text message on her phone from my H that said "I miss you. Love, FWH" This message also set up some meeting they had that day (which still makes me mad--on Christmas for crying out loud!) Anyhow, he confronted her about it, she denied everything, claiming it was just a "friendship" that she would end. She later told him she broke everything off, and he believed her. I was never told any of this at the time.

Fast forward to November 17 the following year. The s**t was hitting the fan, and a family member of the OWH's called me (at work) and broke the news to me. He gave me OWH's phone number and invited me to call him, which I did. This is when I heard the story about the Christmas text message. OWH's apologized to me that night, saying that he should have told me what he knew back then. AND HE SHOULD HAVE! Not that I blame him for anything, mind you. I have nothing but respect for him, and I feel so badly for what has happened to his little family (they have 2 kids, and are now divorced). But I had a right to protect my marriage, and if I had been told at Christmas, I could have done something to end that A many months earlier. If only . . .

Anyway, the moral is that I think you should definately tell the OM's wife. She has a right to know.

But, I better check in with DD1--I promised something "fun" today, and I still need to figure out what that is! I'll check in later!

-C.

As I stated, it's not for lack of looking for the info. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If money were no object, I could have the info in the snap of a finger. Unfortunately, I have to work in the realm of what I have available to me. You're preachin to the choir here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'd love it if people would stop telling me to tell OMW and someone would say, "Sorry you're having a hard time getting her info. This is what I did that worked and this is what I did that didn't work." Food for thought.

Hello everyone,

Glad to see that everyone is checking in on this thread. I'm at the library so just popped in for a few minutes.

Drexxel,

I agree that your W seems to still be in the fog. But it is good that she is still continuing MC with you...Just hang in there, and don't LB / retaliate when she starts blaming you...My H also blamed me for his A at first--I wasn't "taking care of him" (SF)...He has realized that it was his choice to have an A, rather than to talk to me about how he was feeling...

As for me, meeting w/ the lawyer was OK. Not very promising but it is going to be a long road...The lawyer says that he thinks her mother is pushing her on this whole thing...

I'm trying to support my H and help him to get out of his depression. But, Drex, your MC is right about depression==he has been so withdrawn the last couple weeks, that we have had no SF at all...It's ironic that we are back to pre-A here due to his depression...I am willing, have approached him, but he has no interest...This from the man who said the ONLY reason he was with OW was Sex...I think it is a guilt thing. He feels like he has destroyed our lives and isn't worthy of my love and affection. Sometimes I think he is right, but I still love him and he's my friend, despite it all.. So I think I understand a bit more about why you are sticking by your W after all that has happened between you.

I hope you all have a good weekend. I gotta run and pick up the kids...See you on Monday!

CSJ
Thats awful that the OMH had that info and didnt share. Believe me I often think of contacting OWH and telling him what a low life s*&t she is but they are already divorced...the result of her OTHER affair she was having at the same time. Bleck! Sometimes I could just scream I am so angry about all this stuff.

Pinky Dinky is such a cute show! My daughters just found it and no you are not a bad mother. The only people who say they will never let their kids watch tv usually dont have them yet!

Was your Hs A over when you found out? Had he ended it or her H finding out the truth? Just wondering.

Drex
I was watching DrPhil yesterday and there was a woman who was really into having sex. I dont know if she was addicted but she was all over her H and wanted it all the time. He couldnt keep up with her sex drive so she went out to bars just to look and think about what it would be like well you can imagine she finally acted on it and had a ONS with her friends husband. She barely looked sorry just smiling and honestly I think she was happy talking and thinking about sex on the show.

Anyway I was surprised b/c I thought he was just going to throw her into therapy for SA but he told her she needed to get checked for a blood or hormonal imbalance. He has a pretty good website I am sure he has something on there about her and he also has message boards where people talk about the show.

I hope you get your info soon! Good Luck.

Mama I hope you are having a nice weekend!
Hi F&L
Talk with you soon
HF

Hi All,

I am so upset, we just had a huge fight---my husband was looking at my e-mails and found out that I was e-mailing MF and CSJ personally and that I was posting on MB - because he looked at the e-mails I deleted. And yes, he looks at my e-mails. He says he doesn't know who the people are on MB and he doesn't want them to know his business. I told him anything I posted on here was the truth. He is saying that I am lying and he has a different version - I asked what is his version - he couldn't answer me. I wish he would tell “his” version.

There is only one version - he had an affair with his secretary - worked with the OW for 10 months - which I begged him not to do and put me thru the worst hurt I can imagine. We fought, argued for months and why because he refused to leave his job where the OW worked 15 ft. away from him every day. How could we recover when he was working with the OW every day – and she was still making trouble in the back ground. She filed a complaint against him – to get even. When he was questioned about her complaint he lied about everything to the company– said nothing ever happened between them. Yes, he finally left his old job (they asked him to resign) - but let him tell you why he left – he thinks he had a choice. After 20 yrs. of being with him - did I deserve this? Why, because he was going thru a mid-life crisis?

Now, he has a new thing that we can’t agree on - he wants to hire the OW's friend to work in his dept. as a secretary –he would be this woman’s boss - they all worked in the same company. She's the same type of person that the OW was – she has already filed complaints against other people – and was trying to get a little friendly with my husband’s assistant. Yes, he's not the final decision maker on the hiring, but I told him this was not a good idea - she would make trouble for him - or go back and tell the OW everything that's going on. I told him he should try to sway the hiring people somehow from hiring her. I'm trying to protect him - why can't he understand? He told me again - he'll do what he wants - I can't tell him how run his job. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall.

He thinks everything on here is only gossip. As I told you ladies, my husband doesn't like the MB site and the people on it. He thinks you ladies are some stalkers that I started conversing with on the internet and will come and get our family.

He is saying that I was lying to him by still posting on MB. I told you ladies before, that at one time we both posted on MB - and was just a battle back and forth, because my husband would bash me on everything I said. I stopped posting for a while then something happened and I needed the support again, so I started posting. I din't want to tell him I was posting on here because I knew he would react, just like he did. The only people I talk to is you ladies.

I'm so upset, because this is the only place I have to turn to - to get out my feelings, anger and to get advice. He doesn't want to go to MC anymore. My husband thinks by not acknowledging what he did and making believe like it didn't happen it will go away. I didn't do anything wrong to him, yet he checks up on me. He did this to me and he wants to give me all the ultimatums. Wants to do everything his way, or no way.

He is so domineering and refuses to acknowledge how he hurt me and is still hurting me...he is driving me away from him. The more time passes, he’s making believe like nothing happened – that I imagined everything. Everything that happens is my fault. I can't make him understand.

Please, someone....he will be reading this thread from now on.....talk to him. I'm trying so hard to accept what he did to me - but he keeps hurting me, more and more. I love him - I always have, but how much of this can I take? He is slowly driving me away.

Post deleted by stop_the_drama

WOW
Now heres some drama!

I think that you should consider the hurt that your wife is feeling before you chastise how she is dealing with it. What does it matter to you if she vents to some willing ears over the internet? Would it be better if she aired her laundry to those you know or are friends with?

I think that the intensity of this betrayal makes us BS very sensitive and lonely. You will hopefully never know how much this hurts and how hard every day can be. For me this place has made things easier. Just knowing that someone is out there in cyberspace that knows how I feel makes it a little less lonely for me.

If you truly wanted to help her you would let her do what she needs to to heal.
HF

All,

I'm so upset. Please I don't know what to do. Please. I can't do this any more. Please. He's so mean to me. I've been crying all day...he doesn't understand. Why is he doing this to me.

Please I need words of encouragement....my potatoes are burning. I've got to go. Hoping for I need help.

Hey F&L
I hope you dont mind me giving him the business. I know you love him. He does seem angry. Does he tellyou he wants to make this work? He seems so concerned about others when the focus should be on the two of you. I dont know what to tell you. I hope that he will see the light soon and give you whatever you need to heal your broken heart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I will try to stay on for a while if you want to chat.
HF

HF,

I don't know where to turn...I can't see the keyboard....I'm so upset...I didn't do anything to him....why is he doing this to me? I din't do anything to him....please make him stop...I've got to cook....my kids are hungry....maybe I should take one of my medications....all day....he's been bad mouthing me.....I didn't do anything wrong....you ladies are all I've got...I'm sorry he said bad things about you all...why...

F&L
Take a deep breath. If you have something that a dr. has given you take it. This too shall pass. I cant count the bad days I have had since dday but there was a better day around the corner. Just breathe and try to calm down. Cook bake eat try to relax and sleep. Just finish the day its almost over and I know from experience crying all day is exhausting!
Read that post "BE STILL".

I will check back with you soon.
HF

F&L
Hope all is well with you I have been thinking about you and wanted to check in. See you havent been on so hopefully thats a good sign. Let me know how you are doing!

Good Morning to everyone else hope you all had a good weekend.
HF

Hi,

Thanks for being there. I was awake all night - vomited last night and this morning. I have a terrific headache - my eyes are almost swollen shut from all the crying. I'm going back to bed and put an ice pack on my eyes.

I told all of you he hates this site - thinks people instigate and make trouble for us. Yes, he is a very angry person. Because I made friends with some people on here and told them my problems - he's so angry at me. As you can see by his screen name - he's always thought I was just being dramatic. We were both on this site once before, but it caused so many problems - all he did was bash me - and the people in turn bashed him - so we no longer posted after Dec. 05.

I'm so tired.....my head is throbbing...I'll get back to you later....when I hopefully feel better.

Thanks again.

Hi F&L,

Sorry to hear about all the problems you have been having. I hope you are feeling better. If your H does not want to go to MC, then you go yourself, or go to an IC. Do that for you! You need an outlet to vent and get your emotions out so you can heal, whether on MB, or to a counselor...Your H does not realize the pain that there is in being a BS...If you don't get it out, it will hinder your recovery even more.

Stopthedrama,

I understand that you do not want your W sharing your private life with others. However, are you willing to listen to your W's feelings and listen to her tell how your A made her feel? Do you want her to unload her pain on you like this, or would you prefer that she keeps it all inside and it makes her sick, or the resentment will keep building up towards you? Why do you not want to go to MC ? If you want to rebuild your M, then you need to work together to do it.

I have truly enjoyed corresponding with your W. And not to listen to "gossip" as you call it. She has been there for me when I needed to hear someone say, Hang in there. You see, my H had an A for 9 mos, while I was pregnant. Now the OW has filed criminal sexual assault charges on him. He may be going to jail. We have 3 children under 6 yrs old. I cannot speak to my friends or coworkers about this. The only people that I have been able to speak to are your wife, CSJ and Hopingfor, and they are the most supportive group of "friends" that I could have wished for. My H is like you. He wants me to forget what happened, he says it didn't mean anything to him, he didn't love her. But what were the consequences? Don't I have a right to be angry that his choice to have an A has ruined my life and my children's lives as well as his? Now, he wants me in his corner. He realizes the mistakes he has made and wants me to move on...He doesn't want to be reminded of what he did and how I feel. He also "resigned" from his position, and his file says 'for personal reasons'. The reason is that h was arrested as a result of the charges by the OW/coworker and was unable to come to work. He had no choice but to resign. They would have fired him for violating the attendance policy if he did not resign. This does not make it a free choice for him to resign. Sound familiar?

Also, you put your W through alot by not leaving that job sooner...all tht time knowing you were working with the woman you had an affair with. I don't know how she made it through that time. I don't think I would have been able to handle that.

I hope that you realize that your W is a beautiful person, and she truly truly loves you with all her heart. That is the one thing that I know for sure, based on my correspondence with her. You are risking losing her, stopthedrama, by your actions now. I have told my H that I can recover from the A, but it is his actions toward me now, that are determining whether or not I want to stay married to him. He has already broken our M vows by having an A. I know that I have every reason in the world to divorce him, and I have thought about it. But I have hope that things will get better, and I have your W to thank for giving me that hope when I had none.

I have shared alot on this board, more than I ever expected to. I am not concerned that someone will come find me, based on what I have told them. It is nice to know the person's real name, hence the personal emails, but I will post only on here if it will cause a problem for F&L. I started the personal thread because I did not want to post names on the board.

I am not concerned about your reading anything I wrote on here. It is all the truth. My H acts in a similar way as you do, that is why F&L started to communicate. It helps to know that there is someone else out there dealing with the same issues. My H is finally realizing how much his A has cost him...When will you realize what you have? I hope it is before it is too late.

Hi MF,

I am certain my husband will read your post when he comes home from work. I don't care any more. My eyes are so swollen from crying - it looks like someone beat me up. I'm just sick over this whole thing.

The argument we had started out simple - my husband told me a woman who had worked in his other company applied for a secretarial job in his dept. Normally, I wouldn't care who he hired - it would be his chose and I'm sure he would hire the best person.

But, I though it was a bad idea to hire someone who is/was friends with the OW. I don't know the degree of their friendship, but they used to take their "smoke breaks" together. In my opinion you don't take breaks with people you aren't friends with. They used to talk during the time the OW filed a complaint against him. So far as her making complaints against other people in the company, I am only going by what my husband, himself, had told me. Even if she isn't/wasn't close friends with the OW - why hire someone to his new company that might cause trouble for him - blab and gossip to everyone why he left the old company. I told him I realized he didn't make the final decision - I just asked him to sway the people that did. I am sure the new company wouldn't want a person working for them that has past experience making trouble for the company. I was trying to protect him - and right away he got offensive and told me not to tell him how to handle his job/hiring procedures.

He's so afraid people on MB will find out what he did - people that he'll never meet in his lifetime - yet, he is not worried about hiring someone to work for him, that probably knows everything that happened in his old company. It certainly doesn't make sense to me.

I went outside to do some yard stuff and that's when he decided to spy on what was in my e-mails and thus saw your name. Immediately, he asked who that person was. I told him you were from MB and I made friends with you and CSJ. He blew up and said he didn't know who you were - you were total strangers - how dare I send his picture to you ladies. Now they know everything about us - could be stalkers, etc. I tried to tell him I should know you by now, we've been conversing for several months. You all helped me vent, when I needed to. Things were really going along well for us, until now.

A note: after D-day he used to check on everything I did, i.e., e-mails, internet - he said if I was able to snoop on him - he could snoop on me. The only reason I snooped was to find out if he was having an affair. I never did this before - I always trusted him.

Then he said I was lying because I promised I wouldn't post on MB anymore. I started posting on MB when the OW filed a complaint against him in the old company. I was upset - so I needed to turn somewhere. We had already stopped going to the MC and my husband felt we shouldn't go anymore. I knew he would blew up if I went on MB.

Now that he has his new job - he thinks he's back on top of the world. Doesn't need my advice, can talk to me any way he pleases.

Hi F&L,

I hope your H does read my post. We do not have a computer at home so my H can't check my emails. I have told him about my corresponding with you all, but he doesn't mind. He told me months ago that he was glad that I had someone to talk to about this stuff (instead of venting on him, you know?)...He appreciates what CSJ has told me about the legal case.

I think that it would be better for your H if that associate from the other company is not hired. I'm sure that even if she is not "friends" with OW, she is aware of what happened, as the news goes through the grapevine. But there is really not much your H can do about it. If she is hired, what happened there may or may not come out at the new job. That is not your concern. It is your H's choice to do what he can to dissuade the co. to hire him. Trying to get him to change his opinion will not work. So just let it go...

My H has made so many bad decisions, starting with the A, but even after that....He doesn't want to listen to my opinion. We are all paying for it now...I think he has finally realized that his choices have changed all of our lives forever. He is finally getting out of his depression...We went to church yesterday and the sermon was about Thanking God for the little things in life...Things that you take for granted until you don't have them any more. That really hit home for him. He was alot better the rest of the day. We even had SF last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, F&L, I hope that you can get yourself together today and just hang in there. I'm sorry that you are going through all of this now.

Hi everyone
My H too when I 1st started posting here was against it. He thought it just kept bringing it up and I would never forget for a minute what happened. I think now he realizes the magnitude of the damage he did to me and is now willing to do whatever it takes to help me get better.

F&L I hope you are doing better!
Mama I am so happy for you that your H is getting out of his depression. I am sure that helps alot in everyday life.

Well gotta go. Will check back soon!
HF

(((((((((((F&L))))))))))))

I am so sorry you have had a terrible weekend! It seems we all take a turn, you know? Your good spirits and strength have really uplifted me, and I have felt so lucky to find a support group with you, HF, and MF. I couldn't ask for anything better--and I just want you to know how much you have helped me.

I agree with you 100% that it is unwise to hire the OW's friend/associate. Personnel issues can be such time-wasters, and such a drain. This woman has issues written all over her, and I can't imagine why he would want this connection to his A around every day. Obviously your H is an adult and can choose to accept or reject your input--but he should at a minimum listen respectfully to your opinion. It is offered out of love and a desire to move your relationship forward.

STOPTHEDRAMA

First of all, this board is not about "drama." None of us asked to be here, or sought it out. We are here because we need the support we find here.

I understand that you don't know me at all, but I have no wish to invade the privacy of anyone on this board. You have no need to be threated by me. We are just a group of people with similar experiences that have found eachother to be a source of support. There are things I say to your wife and the others here that my husband cannot possibly understand, because he has not been in the same place. If you take a moment to really read these posts--I think you will see that no one digs for private information--we are not looking to "get dirt" on anyone. We are just seeking to be friends to eachother, and to offer support where we possibly can.

I do not know very much about your family. I know the state where you reside, but not the city. I know you work for a company, but I don't know it's name. I know you have children, but I don't know their names. What I do know is this: your wife is a compassionate, caring, thoughtful, bright, funny, and interesting person. I know that she loves you, and that she would walk to h*ll and back for her family. I know, from the picture she sent, that she is as lovely on the outside as she is in the inside. And I also know that there she carries a lot of pain inside from what you did. She is finding some help for that pain here, and you should not condemn her for the manner in which she tries to repair the damage that you caused.

Know also that we do not condemn you. Your wife has stood by you, and that is enough for us to conclude that you must be an alright guy.

So please do not feel judged or threatened by anyone here.

Regards,
CSJ

Hi Everyone,

I'm starting to feel better...although I did nothing today. I feel like I was dragged thru the streets. I have no energy. My 3 tons of stone are sitting in the backyard waiting to be put down....the pool needs to be cleaned….I’ve got a ton of stuff to do…will have to do when I get better. Have to bring my daughter to confirmation practices later.

Again, thanks for all the wonderful things you ladies have said about me....makes me feel better.

I just don't know when my husband will realize I am on HIS side - I'm not against him. Whenever I suggest something to him - his first response is to do/say the opposite of what I say - then he thinks it over and most of the time does what I suggest anyway. Why ask for my opinion or suggestion - then tell me stop telling me what to do? Why go thru all the arguing? I know I also say things in the heat of anger, but I'm getting so tired of defending myself - why I didn't do anything.

Even with the situation of hiring the woman from his old company - all I wanted was for him to try and sway the person/people (delicately) that make the ultimate decision. I know he can't just say I'm not going to hire her. But at first he said he wouldn't say anything to sway their decision ( I was telling him how to do his job) - then after arguing he said he would mention something - that's all I asked for.

Then he tells me he just won't tell me anything anymore. I don't care who the heck he hires, but if there is a possibility that a person may harm him, his career or our family - I think I should know - maybe we could do something about it. Whenever I question something he tells me (if he doesn’t like the question) - things he does in the office – he tells me they are personnel issues and are none of my business – it’s confidential. Yes, they’re confidential – to the people in the company – not me – I’m his wife – he doesn’t work for the FBI. Who the heck am I going to tell.

I just feel now that he has his new job/career he feels he doesn't need me anymore - like a couple of months ago. He's always telling me "you don't know about this, blah, blah, blah, you don't know about that, blah, blah blah". He always makes me feel(by the way he talks to me) that I'm stupid and I don't know a thing. If I'm so stupid, why am I not the one making all the mistakes?

When I tell him how much he hurt me, he just yesses me to death, "yes I hear you, yes I understand, yes wife" - but he's not really comprehending anything I'm saying.

I thought we were coming along so well – we progressed so much – this set us back a great deal – he said a lot of mean things to me. When he didn’t know I was conversing with you ladies, things were fine (that’s because I was venting with you ladies) but as soon as he found out – I was lying, he couldn’t trust women/me anymore, he was asking if I wanted him to leave, I was on here so I can get evidence for court – he was talking total nonsense. I'm always so proud of my family, even him and proudly show pictures of them - that's all I was doing when I sent MF and CSJ them. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

He even told one of his family members one the phone that his fuc----g wife was talking to that fuc---g MB about all his personal stuff (now they know what he looks like), How could he talk like that about me?

I guess he felt bad that I was so upset and sick last night – had to take my anxiety pills - he called me at home today to see how I was.