I'm wondering if this could be of any use:

_______

Mr OM

Being the first affected by the fact that you are sleeping with my wife, I wish to share with you that it is a torture for me what you are doing.

I don’t know why you would want to do this to another man.

Regardless of what my wife may believe, she was and is still my wife.

Just so you know.

(my name)
_______

DLK21

Don't send the email. The OM has already proven he is a man of low moral character by sleeping with a married woman. This email will not help anything. Don't do it.

I agree with Traic. He will probably send back a very hurtful to you justification that he loves your wife, you're a crap husband blah, blah, blah. (I don't believe any of that, but that's probably what you'd get from him)

Having said that, if I had received an e-mail like this from the OM's wife, it would certainly have stopped me in my tracks. I don't believe myself to be of low moral character though.

No offense intended KiwiJ. I think of men in affairs and women in affairs very differently. It may just be my bias but I think of men getting into affairs for very selfish reasons while women get into them for more emotional reasons. It still may ultimately be selfish but I think women have better intentions than men, in general.

BTW, I am speaking about an OM - not a WH.

Trac,

The women are actually the ones who calculate the A more. Emotional? More like the thirst for power.

DLK,

I realize you feel the need to write this note. Write it and hold onto it for a while. Let's say 3 weeks. Then pull it out and see if you still feel the same.

In realizty the OM won't give a hoot about you feelings. He is out to bang up a Ws and your Ws is his choice.

Sorry to say that.

L.

My bias is that for most (unmarried) OM's it's about conquest and sex. For a "normal" WH, I think it is more about EN's. Am I that far off?

I just feel like putting a little cloud on their unopposed affaire.

My WW is so lost these days. They just need to know, so I think.

I'm also on the verge on exposing to the OM's parents, a thing I should have done at first 7 months ago.

I need to get the nerve to state clearly to my WW that it is not because that I don't yell back at her that I'm going along with her betrayal of our marriage.

DLK21

My feeling is that any email to OM is going to backfire on you and make you feel worse. OM is not motivated to help you end the A. Exposure will be the only way to get his attention. By sending that email to the OM, you appear weak and out of control. Not a good picture to present to WW. They will just have a good laugh and you will get a nastygram back.

Orchid, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. I would have thought that being an FWW myself, I would have quite an understanding of how a WW's mind works. Maybe not.

I answered the post completely honestly. It would have stopped me in my tracks to receive an e-mail like that from the OMs wife. Men could well be different - in fact I'm sure they are. There's also a misconception on the board that the OP and the WS spend a lot of time laughing about the BSs. In my case this was not true in any way whatsoever. I don't think I'm the only one who was in that situation. Much, much more time was spent talking guiltily about the BSs and what we were doing to them.

I agree with Traic on this one. It does make the BS look out of control and weak which is the last thing you want and I also repeat what I said earlier. Justification is the only response you will receive.

I do disagree that a "normal" WH's motives are goverened more by their emotions. Exactly the same motivations as a "single" OM if you ask me.

Once again KiwiJ, if I offended you I am truly sorry. I had my mind on a predatory OM when I posted my response. I was not thinking of a WS in any way shape or form. My experience with an OM has been that of what I believe is a serial predator. I don't think they have any morals or conscience that can be appealed to. On the other hand, I am dealing with a WW who I think has very high moral standards - if I didn't honestly believe that, I wouldn't want her back. So if I believed that all people who were involved with affairs were of low morals, I wouldn't be on this board. I hope that makes sense and, again, I apologize.

Your comment about BS's thinking that WS's and OP's laugh about them - I certainly had those thoughts shortly after Dday. WW denied them and I do believe her. I do believe that her conversations were more along the lines you describe - even so, we BS's have a lot to deal with and we have to think about a lot of things immediately after our self-esteem is shattered. So I guess I agree with you.

BTW, I think Orchid's email hit me a little strangely at first too. Then I got the idea she was talking about a single OW and not a WW. It made more sense then.

Kiwi & Trac,

My statement about women being more calculating was a general statement. Not all but many women premediate their acts. Whether it be how to sneak a purchase into the home, have an EA or EA/PA, hide $$, make $$, get pregnant, etc. Not necessarily all bad things but basically knowingly mislead their mate.

Women in general are more sneaky than men. With that said, when it comes to having an A, seems even from reading here, the WSW's and OWs have a tendency t/b sneaky. Planning the A, fantasizing about the A, scheming about the A, manipulating their mates, family friends, $$, filing false RO charges, etc. for the A.....more than men plan.

To build on that, this is why I believe a BSH s/b careful.

Btw, I don't recall sending an e-mail..... did you mean my above post?

JMHO,
L.

I am starting to change my opinion on this issue...

It used to be that I was a huge supporter in not contacting the OP...

BUT

what I find myself becoming more and more on the side of contacting OP....

Here's some of my rambling's on it...

there is soooo much compartalmentalizing required on the part of the OP and WS....

that a huge creation and perpetuation of the actions of an affair....
is the denial of reality...

inspite of the feelings
inspite of the emotions
inspite of the "warm fuzzies"

there is a lot of reality denial going on to keep it going...

a lot of rationalizing.
a lot of conflict avoiding
a lot of pretending
a lot of denying
and a lot lying...

I for one will no longer accept from an OP that the malicious fallout of an affair is the sole responsibility of the married WS and that the OP is not part of that triangle of chaos....

Once you actively engage in being part of triangle...you own the destruction it creates.....

I think it is very very dangerous thinking (even for the mental well being of an OP ) to compartalmentalize the truth of their actions and destruction that they are fully a participant in.

this compartment mentality
this denial that time spent with an OP is a direct stealing of time, energy and emotion from the family unit...
is a core core faction of the continuation of an affair...

it feeds the beast....

I am begining to think that chipping away at and exposing the reality of the BS as real people...
and not some unknown unasked unreal identity is a good thing...

I am starting to think that when a BS can expose their existance...
and their existance as a real person with real feelings and emotions...
rationally
logically

is not such a bad thing at all...

the key is NOT expect anything from the OP...
AND
to not react to the fallout no matter how much it comes all tied up with a ribbon of falseness and rationalization

It is a very dangerous thing to convince yourself that your actions do not have effect on other individuals

it is very childish to try to claim that since I did not take vows with that person then I am free of responsibility of my own actions....as many OP attempt to do...

we all know what a wedding band means
the lines are not blurred
the defintions are not changable based on emotions
attraction or anything else....

ARK

Continuing arkie's thoughts, I believe "exposure" to the OP has it's time and place. This is especially true if the OP may be believing the WS's lies of not being married, not having kids, not having STD's, etc.

With this in mind, perhaps a better communication would be:

I lean towards contacting the OM too. Personal experience.

But DLK, your epistle accomplishes very little. It sounds like whining.

I confronted OM in person days after DDay 2. He cut and run. And it was a 10 year VLTA, too.

I should have confronted him after DDay 1, when it was still just an LTA.

But, contacting an OM requires some planning and some backup. You need to stay on message no matter what he says or does.

Analogous to the mindset required of a good Plan B letter, it requires the BH be ready to let WW go.

Oh, and do it along with exposure.


With prayers,

Continuing with the thought processes of Ark and WAT...I believe that including a family picture with the email and saying something to the effect of...

Here is the family that is being destroyed as a result of your poor choice to have and continue an affair with my wife...look into the faces of these children and tell them that you are plotting the divorce of their parents, the desecration of all they have ever known...because make no mistake about it, that IS what is going on here...

Key here, as Ark wisely pointed out, is not to expect results...

I do think that it could be powerful...


Mrs. Wondering

me to mrs w..
but that's cause we think alike when it comes to certain states...

ARK

make an appointment with the harleys... sometimes they say a message to the OP is very effective.

Get expert opinion.

I like the idea personally ... and I would make many copies to share with the rest of the family as well.

Pep

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LOL...Thought you'd like that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Mrs. Wondering

This is my latest version:

________________________________
Mr OM,


Marriage is a relationship that is different from all others and that requires to be treated as such. As soon as we make it easy to leave a marriage, to separate, to divorce, as soon as we make it okay to have extramarital affaires and all sorts of other things, this undermines this precious, fragile and broad reaching entity.

Marriage is not like cohabitation, it is not like being girl-friend boy-friend, or when two live together. Marriage does not start when person a feels married, or when they get engaged. It does not start until it is official and does not end ether when a person longer feels oneself married.

Marriage presupposes that feelings can change. Marriage pre-supposes that we can fall out of love and back into love with one other.

The vows that my wife, W and I exchanged explicitly addressed this risk. Part of our pledged to each other among others stated that we would continue to love each other in our moments of strength but also in our moments of weakness, in our moments when we would remember who we are but also when we would forget. Not only when we would act with love but also when we would not act out of love towards each other.

Whether W felt like it or not when she turned to you, she was a married woman and you were sleeping with my wife. Whether she feels like it or not, she is a married woman, my wife, and you are sleeping with my wife.

I have given you time to think of your actions.

Your relationship with her is so inappropriate.

In the same manor that a person who gets out of shape will not and should not accept this as final and will start training and will regain his physical shape, husbands and wives can fall out of love and regain this love and even have a love that is better than ever before.

I hope you are realising how wrong it is what you are doing with her. For you, for me but most of all for W.

Started as adultery, your relationship with her was, is and will be morally untenable and carries with it a high degree of probability of bearing upon you, but especially on W, much unhappiness, grief and pain in the future. It has already started.

We were not separated. She was to see how she felt about working in (other town) before we decided on the next move in her career and where we were to live together. Her wedding rings were at the jewellers to get the diamond I had gotten her for our anniversary fitted.

My wife turned towards you, was attracted to you with passion(…)

You may have wanted to do what is good and noble but your actions are ill-advised. At the light of this, please, recognise that it is unquestionable that you are contributing in large part to the break up of our marriage. (I don’t like «break up» it is to weak a term, down fall, ) You are breaking up our marriage.

Because of this, I am obligated to repeat to you that your relationship with W was and remains inappropriate. Your relationship with her places itself between us and makes the healing of our marriage impossible. And so I reiterate my request: if you care for her and wish her happiness, change your ways please and respect our marriage and end all contact with her for ever.

(signed me)
(include picture of our wedding)
_______________________________

it is still a draft but it gives him a little background and where I stand on our marraige and his involvement.

DLK21

If I send it I won't expect him to back off but just to be less self rightous on the love/passion justification of his involvement with WW and less self confident.

Thank you to those who took the time to give your comments

DLK21