Well, duk hunter, I teach middle school math, and there is only one middle school for the entire district so we have a lot of teachers here. I teach in the town next to me and I really like it that way because both towns are fairly small, and at least this way I don't always run into my students at every given place.

Honestly, I did give this guy a chance. I had met him through friends at church, he called me several times, and we went out twice, BUT, I knew fifteen minutes into the date that this guy was psycho. He kept talking about how practical minded he was, but yet he picked me up on his harley for the date.........(I love bikes). The messages he was sending were just not right. It was OK for him to have certain things "not practical" yet he was hitting on my house, my car........he even went so far as to ask me what my mortgage and car payments were!

Yesterday, I had two encounters with single men that I KNOW were interested in me, they tried, and I just couldn't bring myself to respond. It's like I can't get the words out to talk, or flirt or whatever......I use to be really good at that kind of thing and now it's like......I don't know. I think after such an abusive marriage my self esteem is still in question or something. I really thought I was doing better, but maybe I am not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

Thanks for responding, I am new here so I am trying to figure out this board too.....

Hey Teach,

I know exactly how you felt when the guys were hovering around you. Just from what you said, I can tell that you need more time to get your own thinking straight. It's not them at this point it is you. The wounds are still too fresh for you and you need to heal more. Go ahead and practice the flirting and get used to socializing again, just don't get into a relationship until you feel good about it.

Sounds simple I know, but it is difficult because you just can't see it happening again for yourself. That brings it's own stress and worry all by itself, irregardless of what is still leftover from your M. Time and positive thoughts about yourself and your future will change this for you.

Work on improving your own thinking and outlook on life first. Changing this and the new attitude it creates will open you to new relationships. There are still good men out there but they have the same concerns you do and need to see a happy, confident and independent Teach to come out of their shell too.

HUH duk?

I read what you're saying, but......

It's hard to be confident I think.

I've never had the gift to begin with, top that off with a husband that cheated on me and married ow.

Had a bf, granted, timing was all wrong, but, he off and married someone else quickly. [they're in the process of divorce now, but still....]

Latest guy I really liked, remembered he was in love with someone else.

How the heck does one feel confident when you're left feeling like every mans trash??

Just a guy question.

Karona

Karona,

I know its hard to think of the other sex on an equal footing for any of us these days, but it's not just a male issue we are dealing with. Infidelity, abuse, and all the other maladies of a relationship are unisex for sure!

What I am saying is that everyone is different and recovery and the ability to "move on" takes a different amount of time for each individual. Dating and the ability to build and continue a new relationship require you to be able to trust and respect a partner. If you are still in the recovery mode you really aren't very trusting yet are you? Yet you are capable of enjoying an evening of fun with a member of the opposite sex if it does not require anything deep and emotional. That is what I mean regarding "practicing". Getting your feet wet again in the context of a "date".

Same as "bumping carts", bump enough and sooner or later one will bump back and the sparks will fly! Build confidence by seeing different people and new experiences until you are stable enough in your own life not to need anyone or anything else. That is when I believe we are the most attractive to others and someone will find us. Just my two cents worth and probably not what many others will think, but in my mind it's where I need to head for.

dukhuntr~~


ouch! Thanks for reminding me. I do tend to think of infidelity as a man thing and I'm sorry for generalizing.


I agree with you.



I do understand what you are saying, I agree, and I think many others will too.

I think I was having a momentary "ouchy" moment. I know I'm better off than each of these 3 guys I'm speaking of. I know I would rather be alone than in something that wasn't "right". I can see that.
I had a moment of, these guys all found someone, what's wrong with me?
When I look into what they're each in, I would not wish it for myself.

Trust for me, is something I want to give, but I will have to learn it from my cart guy. I know I'm capable of giving it, but I will have to learn from him that I can give it, freely.

Thanks duk!

duk, I think you hit it right on the head. and karona i understand completely the trust thing. i am open to trusting someone and just pray i do not get hurt. it is a process. i am probably loyal to people to a fault. i like to believe everyone has some good in them. but i also do not want to live in a shell. any potential relationship holds the potential for getting hurt. i am just at a place now where i feel strong and i know i can do it on my alone. i know if by chance i do get hurt i will be able to handle it and move on. i hope that i don't, but in any relationship, friendship, anything, there is always that chance. nothing is 100% certain ever.

the guys that did not work out for you karona, they were steps in the process. they got you out there dating and experiencing and that is good i think. they just were not the right ones.

mlhb

dukhuntr's remark about dating being a numbers game, dating (for the fun of being out with someone not necessarily your next partner) enough to regain confidence is great.

One reason I joined dating sites before I was serious relationship material was for the experience. I didn't feel I needed to be marriage worthy to date. I still needed (may still) time to settle all the stuff divorce forces us to deal with. I was, however, a good date, possibly a good friend to whomever.

Experience is made up of good & bad. You've been hit with negative experiences & a few of them in a row. It's not necessarily you, it's just part of being open to spending time with people. Some people aren't friend or partner material. You don't always know that upon the first few meetings.

Karona and mlhb,

Okay, now that we have the deep and serious stuff under control, how do we go about making sure we are fun to be with. I try not to even bring up my EX or the D with a date. Most times it seems right after the initial greetings and how are yous the first thing a "date" asks is about my prior relationships. Having to go there even if I don't go into details seems to put my spirits down in a hurry. It's almost like I am ashamed of what happened. So what do you guys say and how do you keep from letting this ruin an evening?

Secondly, what do you consider a good first date? The standard dinner and maybe a movie? What would you think if someone like me said lets go golfing, or lets go target shooting. Stuff I like to do. I haven't done this yet but I am getting a little bored with the typical date. Would you be open to different things like this?

Give me some ideas from a gals perspective and get me out of this rut.

P.S. - Leave dancing out of it. Have you ever seen a duk dance? Not pretty and a very humbling experience! It's happened but only when in conjunction with way too many cocktails for a first date.

Whew, eval is complete. I hope it's safe to assume we are all within the normal range.

On to the next chapter.....



I do try to be myself on a date and make it light. I have a sense of humor and I'm always hopeful the guy will too.
Life is serious [and has been], and I welome laughter.

As far as the whole "D" topic, I try to keep that light too. I've been divorced close to 2.5 yrs now. Really, there is not much to say. For the most part, my x stuff isn't so huge anymore. It's more some of the crap he pulls from time to time concerning our daughters that gets me revved.

I don't know where these women are coming from when they are asking about your prior relationships. I would understand if they are trying to figure out if you [we, anyone] were ready to be dating, other than that, I'm not sure it should be of their concern.



Dinner and/or a movie wouldn't be my first choice for a first date.
A sporting event I think is fun and get something to eat afterwards. Something where there is opportunity to talk, get to know the person.
I would definitely be open to golfing or target shooting, as long as my date was patient and had a great sense of humor!! I took a golf clinic last year. The game is hard, but I would give it my best shot and laugh at myself in the process.

I think it's nice that you are trying to be creative duk!

Karona

I've got the full visual.......yikes.

But hey, at least you know not to go there again!

oh duk, you really make me laugh! why don't you go and bump karona's cart, you two sound like you would have fun! lol

for first date stuff I am open to just about anything. I like to have fun and I love to laugh. So something light the first date or two to get to know the person. I would do the golf thing. the target shooting... well... I am not big on the hunting thing, not opposed to it but... would not be my cup of tea. I do know how to shoot a gun, a pistol, but don't think I would do it for recreation.

as far as my marriage and talking about it... anyone I have spent any time with is aware I am divorcing and they know why and that is that. I don't go into it anymore and don't really relish talking about it. And I would think my date would not really want to talk about it either.

I like to talk, to really get to know someone, hear all about them, and laugh. You can have more serious dinner date type stuff a few dates later. I don't think you are going to be having a romantic candle light dinner gazing into someone else's eyes on a first date!

duk, I would totally go with the being creative thing. Why do dates have to be so official anyway? Just hook up and do something fun. Talk on the phone, over email, whatever, and get to know eachother. It should be more fun than everyone is making it out to be! Relax, breathe, and have fun. if date asks about marriage, just say you're divorced, and move on. that is all they need to know. if things get more serious than you can get into more details, otherwise, don't sweat it, ya know?

duk, karona, you guys crack me up!
mlhb

i miss posting in this thread. i haven't been to the grocery store lately, and i am very hungry.

gee gekko.... i don't think you need to be shopping anymore..

i think your cart got bumped a while back too and you just have not fessed up yet... lol

sorry you to hear you so hungry... sometimes you have to feel that hunger for quite sometime so that when you actually meet, i mean get, a good meal (a really good person is what I am saying here...) you will appreciate them even more....

just a thought....
mlhb

the only thing i am "fessing up too" is that i was in a grocery store a few weeks ago.

eyeroll