Well - update for today!

This is like my blog! Cept I haven't been able to keep my blog since all this happened because I used to write on that when i was happy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Anyway - I had a very very lovely day today. A mums group I belong to were having a picnic. I wasn't sure if I would mentally prepared to go. Lots of them know what is happening and have been SOOOO supportive, but just to be THERE with them, I wasn't sure.

So, as you know - Mark did leave last night and I thought 'bugger it - i can't hang around the house all day, I will go more crazy'

So took the kids out and have only just gotten home and them in bed at 8.30 tonight.

I heard from him at midday today. NSYN you are so very very right about him being conflicted and taht is a good thing, but yes, I can see it swinging badly for a while.

This is what the text said after I msged him at 7am this morning to say 'You left. How sad for the chn, how sad for us all. I thought that you might have slept on the lounge if you didnt want to crawl into bed' and that's all I wrote....


So - midday I get this...

"I'm sorry Juz. I very stayed but wasn't tired. When I got to city at about 2am I went for a wander. I crawled into bed (HERS-Grr) about 4. I cried a good portion of the trip. Why? I enjoyed the day very much but sitting at the PC last night I still needed to leave. I promise after work tomorrow I'll be staying at Liverpool and we'll take kids to movies and we'll pull down backyard thingy. It was a step in the right direction yesterday, and I hope you think so too? Speak to you later, Marky"

So - now I think - does he mean 'I'll be staying at Liverpool just for tomorrow night' or is he gonna pack up and come home? (and if it is just for 2mrw night then Wedn morn I was thinking of giving letter, but now after reading posts from today am wondering if I should?'

And his remark about 'step in the right direction' I am HOPING I read that as in 'us'. I will be on the phone to the receptionist of the MC tomorrow to see if there are any cancelations cause I KNEW he was teetering and i really REALLY wanna get into the MC asap.

So anyway, I didnt answer for a good hour (because I was trying to think up a response that had EN and RB in them) and finally I said 'I enjoyed yesterday too, it was nice to have a lovely day together with all the strain we have had. I too think it was a good step towards 'us' but was sad that you felt the need to escape last night. Perhaps we can escape together for a few days and just be the two of us (probably MUCH too early to say that but I couldnt' help myself).


At this point I didnt tell him we were out. I let him think we were just sitting at home. Then he msged me to tell our boy that the running was on Ch10 so I said we were at a picnic and sent him thru some shots of the kids VERY grubby but having a lovely time. He responded to them and then tonight at 7.30 msged me and said he was going for a long walk, he hoped the kids were behaved today and he would see me tomorrow arvo.

SOooooo - Im still in limbo but I THINK im feeling more positive - I think I think I think. (for this millisecond anyway). My only bugger is that he is THERE at her place again tonight - even if he isn't spending taht much time with her. If she has any idea he is this conflicted (and Im sure she does) then she's gonna be trying her damndest to keep him there.

Am thinking that on Thurs or Fri (depending on what 2mrw brings of course) I will take kids into his work to meet him for lunch. SHE works there on the front desk, but I know his other work collegues. And my children are gorgeous (ok, rose coloured glasses, but they still are!) and I know that if I arrive at his work as the 'dear wifey with the 3 young children' it will work in my favour.

I have told him we were going to meet him for lunch in the hols. I was going to leave it until the 2nd week, but am thinking that this week might be a better stand. The more threatened she is - the better. THe claws come out and she starts saying nasty things about me - Hmm - that WOULD Be good.

She works on reception but I know where his desk in and I am going to give her the evilest eye as I walk past to this desk. I DO wish I could explain to my 7 year old NOT to talk to the lady behind the front desk with the long brown hair, that she is a bad lady, but I can't do that - obviously!

But I will ensure that they DONT get the opportunity to converse with her -to the point of rudeness and that they converse with every other staff member there.

Anyway - that is getting ahead of myself!!

Ark - I have already told him - NO WAY does he allow the children to be with her AT ANY TIME. I will stipulate that again and again if I do go out next weekend. And yes, he has said about looking after them here at our home. I will say to him that i do not want our children to think that daddy loves someone more that mummy. And I know he will be ashamed of that, because, honestly, yesterday the alien disapeared for quite large portions of the day and he was again, the caring and loving man I once knew (or thought I knew)

Did I tell you last night that he initiated a kiss? I was so gobsmacked I didnt know what to do!! When I told him I was v tired and off to bed he stood up, put his arms around my shoulders and kissed me on the lips, just a peck but not a 'peck' and said 'did u have a good day?'

OMG - it's the first time he's kissed me in this whole time!

dunno dunno dunno.

Finished off this rant. Gotta go get the clothes out of the waashing machine that have been there all day, stick em on the line and then gonna watch Desperate Housewives. I actually FEEL like watching TV! That hasn't happened in a good few weeks!

Jus

TT - I am in Sydney.

A few friends have said about 'can you imagine if she had the kids for the day - OMG she would run so bloody fast she'd trip over herself.'

Especially my Connor - he is a delight but a 4 year old RASCAL!!!!!!!


NSYN - I dont know if others with children have found this. But they think he's at work. It's only at night time and mornings that they say 'where is daddy?' and then tonight, as we were leaving our friends house the young boy said 'where's your dad' and DD7 said in a sad voice 'He's at work' and DS4 said 'he's working so we get lots of food'

It broke my heart <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But they didnt say one thing to him yesterday about where he had been, because he was there, and he was normal and he was with mummy - so it was all as it should be.

Jus

I just read this over on the 'Recovery after an affair' page and this is what worries me, the addiction.

In his text today he says about how when he was sitting at the PC he just NEEDED to go to the city. And my WH is weak - how on earth do I get him out of this addiction- especially when he does work with this woman.(although not every day) and when she is actively pursuing him?

"""But, as you have already discovered, the first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal -- a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression."""

Juzzie, my WH went through the 'depression' of being in an A but I was so clueless I put it down to his long work hours and bad health. He left 3 times under the guise of depression, I thought he'd moved into a work apartment (he had a long distance to travel each day - it made sense for him to be nearer - NOT!), and then he moved out properly because "he didn't know what was wrong with him but he needed to get away". When I look back, I can't believe how naive I was. His mum would say, "Do you think there's someone else?" and I'd say, "No, I asked him". Didn't occur to me that he'd lie. OMG just reminding myself of these facts makes me smile. You never met a more trusting fool.

But what I was leading to is it's all a fantasy. Took a long time for my WH to work it out but he eventually did. It's such a predictable pattern they go through; he's probably in turmoil thinking two women need him desperately and he's torn. Well, my advice to you is not to be desperate. Let him know you would love him to be home, that the kids deserve an intact family, that you all love him and will miss him if he goes, BUT YOU WILL SURVIVE WITHOUT HIM. If you could just get him to read one of the recommended books on this website, perhaps he will recognise himself in the script. If he does decide to come home, expect him to be a complete and utter misery guts whilst he withdraws from OW. In fact, it was my WH;s withdrawal from OW that prompted me to separate. 5 months of him moping was too much for me - obviously he was in contact with her all the time. No contact is essential. There is no progress without it because she'll keep sucking him back into her world. Sorry if this sounds rushed - that's cos it is. I'm off out to dinner but wanted to check in on you.

I'm glad you had fun at the picnic. It is so essential to keep yourself busy. It's amazing what a distraction the children are too. It's good you've got friends to talk things through. Apart from one close friend, I bottled it all up for ages, partly through shame, and lived a half-life for a while. I function much better when I am busy.

Oh, my brother is off to Sydney via HK beginning of March. He's been offered a job there and is going to check it out. My family are from London originally. TT

Thanks TT, You give me hope, but then again - my god, it's such a long road isn't it.

You feel so SOOOOOOO stupid being clueless hey. Even yesterday I knew he was msging her when I jumped back in the car from dropping something off at my mum mum and dads. He said 'oh, i thought ud be longer than that, I was just trying to sort out how to save the pix on my ph straight to the memory card'. Now sure, I'd love to believe him, But honestly, I reckon there were a plethora of msgs from her sitting on his phone from the day and he hadn't the chance/opportunity to respond as we had been together all day. And here was his chance. But rather than cause a fight (thinking ENs and LBing) I just said 'oh right, no I just dropped and ran, want to get the kids into bed asap '(they were asleep in back)

I do try so not to be needy but sometimes it just comes out - without even meaning to do it. Do I change my letter? Do I not make it a Plan B? But still talk about the 'doormat issue' and MY ENs? I've got all 2mrw to do it, he won't be home until after work. I will go and sleep on it, and hope that when I awake that the Nth Hemisphere has some bright ideas for me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TT, I hope you have a lovely dinner, you 8 hours behind us here? Nahhh, you can't be that much?

The OW is from England - that is how I know the bloody 'attraction' would have started you know. Because H and I are very great travellers and our favourite place in the world is Scotland. I teach Scottish dancing, and WH is of Scottish decent and we always said we would live there under his ancestry visa for a few years - but you know how it goes, years pass, kids, mortgage, cars, and now school fees and school positions that you lose if you leave.

So we've never done the 'big move'. But we still talk about it tho, say when the kids are older etc. And low and behold OW's family are from Scotland - although she is from Dartmouth. So that annoys and upsets me too! Something that WE had that was special, he has shared with HER. Grrrr

Anyway- Im off to bed. Its just after midnight and DS4 will be up at the crack of dawn and wake DD18mths! (DD7 will sleep thru it all until about 8am! lol)

Ni Ni
Justine

Juzzie, I never did Plan B so I wouldn't dream of advising about it, but I do think this is too early for it. If you need more advice about MB specifics, change the thread title to something quite needy, like "SOS - HELP NEEDED NOW" and hopefully some experts will jump in and help you. It is hard because if he moves out, there are some rules about a 'separated Plan A' but I can't remember.

HK is 2 or 3 hours behind you, depending on daylight savings. I think it is 2 currently. TT

I have caught up with the newest installment of your story, so pardon me if I ask questions you've already answered.

What can you do?

Be the best W you can be right now.

Plan A is about showing him the best W and the best M that can happen if he chooses you.
It's about cutting out the LB's and honing up on your EN's (yes, yes, yes, more text messages).
But most importantly, it's about negotiating an end to the A.

I would take opportunities to remind him that you both cannot even think about working on your M until OW is OUT of the picture. Begin telling him now that if/when you both get back together you will have to change jobs or she will have to quit.

You don't have to be nasty about it.

I would NEVER pack bags for WH though, unless I'm moving to Plan B...it makes it look like you are alright with the sitch...which you are NOT.

Not making yourself available is OK, but mainitain a loving attitude...not a drop everything to be with you, but keep sending pics and letting him know what you are up to, what he is missing.

Negotiate an end to Plan B by telling him MC is a waste of money until she is GONE. Explain what gone will be...no longer working together and a NC letter written by him and mailed by you, then accountability.

Explain, in your sweetest voice, the ultimate consequences of his actions...right now you are willing to make this work, but you will lose your love for him and although you don't want to now, if he continues with the OW, you will D him. You will NOT be friends after D, you will talk about the kids only. You will NOT be a companion or someone to text...that wouldn't be fair to any new romances you have. And the kids will NEVER forgive him for the choice he made to leave Mom for an OW.

I have a very softspoken voice...so I can say things that seem harsh in a very sweet way. Someone doesn't realize I've been harsh to them until later when they think of my words.

Set boundaries about how he talks to OW, and if he talks with her while you are both together...let him know how disrespectful it is. Whenever possible, show your disapproval that he has an OW.

Keep this up as long as you can...be Kind, kind, kind.

And then move to Plan B...abruptly, one day...bam...no more contact with Juz. Set up an intermediary, given him a letter letting him know NO more contact with you until he can prove OW is COMPLETELY out of the picture.

Then fight like the dickens to not have any contact with him, to not think about him, to SAVE THE LOVE YOU HAVE LEFT, and to wait for the A to die a NATURAL death.

You have NO control over the A. You can't help or hinder it by much. What you can do is show the best side of you so he remembers what he is giving up when the A starts to fold in on itself..and it WILL.

Oh yes, I would say keep up the Plan A...how long can you do it for? That is up to you.

Sometimes you can keep it up until there is a natural occurence to move to Plan B (like a move or holidays over) and sometimes you have to move to Plan B when you begin feeling apathetic and your lovebank draining drastically.
The timing is up to you, but I think you have a new you to show him for at LEAST a few more weeks.

For now, keep up with the same drop off and pick up schedule, but begin planning for that to end. Plan B could also mean diminished contact with kids too...

My feeling, too, is that you're not ready for Plan B yet. You will want your WH to become more of a cake-eater than he is now, if possible. And he will need a little more time to see how wonderful you are.

The more cake you can get him to accept from you, the bigger the shock when you go into Plan B, and he suddenly gets nothing.

And as TT said, you cannot actually do anything to end his addiction. You can make sure that the A is an uncomfortable place to be, and that home is a comfortable place to be. But he will have to end it himself, when it gets more painful to keep going than to turn around and come back. It may take a while, so be patient if you don't see immediate results.

But everything you are saying sounds very positive and hopeful.

sam

OMG! Thanks for these wonderful ideas. And SHMI - THANKYOU for the info regarding the texts. I have been texting him today, and him, me. He msged to say he would be home around 6, all going well at work. That he had to take the work car back to the Base office (where she is - so not happy about THAT).

Then later DD7 fell off her scooter and got a bloody nose, so I texted him about that and he said 'poor baby, tell her we're off to see IceAge2 tonight, that will cheer her up'

I have mentioned to him about how I had read that MC doesn't work when the A is still happening and his response was 'well, thats just one persons opinion' and it wasn't worth arguing about it - I just wanted to plant the seed.

In my most loving voice tonight, whilst at the movies or afterwards I know I need to say to him that we can't work on US until SHE is out of the picture. But I know I need to do this AFTER lots of ENs tonight.

And WOW NSYN and ARK about MORE of a cake eater. I see where you are coming from, but I was scared that would make him think 'best of both worlds' and continue like that. Not taht I really GIVE a ****** about what the rest of my family/friends think, but I can only imagine what they WILL think of me 'taking' all of this too-ing and fro-ing.

See, he was supposed to give me the ultimatium on Sunday. Now it's Tuesday and he's def staying tonight (so he says). Do I TRY to be romantic with him? Would he be repulsed if I tried to make love to him - is that TOOOO needy? I mean, there may not be any single opportunity for that kind of thing anyway. But you never know? Do I just sit with him in front of the tele and talk about his day, my day? Do I snuggle up to him (it's all I really wanna do, hold him, have him hold me).

WHAT DO I DO??????

At the show on Sunday I grabbed his hand a few times and then, one time as I was squeezing past him he brushed my legs - just as he would have in the past.


I SOO know he needs to find another job. I also know he wants to do taht too - has wanted to do taht for a while.

Now - the story goes (that he told the psych in front of me) that OW is going back to London for a holiday in May. I dont know if it's the beg or end of May. I may SMS WH work collegue and try to get her to find out, because she has told me a few things.

If I keep the cake eating up till May when she leaves - maybe that will be enough? Of course, he could still msg her - bloody technology! And more to the point - she can still msg HIM.

I guess what still upsets and worries me is that I know that yes, he goes to her place, but he also goes there to go for his 'escape' walks. I know he LOVES those walks. I mean, he was walking around the city from 2-4am. I am scared he will MISS that, you know. And that that may be as much a pull as the OW! That he doesn't feel there is a place to escape around here. YOu dont wanna be walking around our suburb at that time of night - let me tell you!!

Juz

Juzzie, hope you all had fun at the cinema this evening. You are right about "bloody technology". Mobile phones are the perfect tools for A's. You can text, chat, phonesex - whatever. No way would any of that happen from the home phone! If your WH does not come to his senses soon(and he won't whilst he's working with her), one of your boundaries should be full access to his mobile phone. My WH used to hide his but I used to sneak around and find it, and torture myself listening to her love messages and songs she'd sing to him. Your WH will only agree to this when he is ready to move forward with you and restore trust. If he refuses, he still has something to hide.

But that's later. For now, just continue to Plan A and look after yourself and the kids. Take care. TT

There is a great pull with friends and family about the right thing to do...how strong are you at setting boundaries, telling people what your intentions are and to support you in that intention or say nothing?

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is, and MB concepts often times feel counter intuitive.

Right now, be the best W and YOU you can be. SF, heck YEAH!! If you want, and you're not worried about an STD. Perhaps use a condom though...you wouldn't be the first BS that comes down with something...

Keep planting those seeds. Keep improving. It may not be obvious to him, point out the changes you are making...like, "Sweetie, I know I have had an angry tone in my voice before, and I am working hard to change it. I hope you have noticed. And I wanted to let you know this is something I intend to change for good."

And this 'escape" he needs? This is a bunch of bullhockey pucks. Yes, we all need an escape every now and again, and a release. He has committed himself to a W and a family and he has to find a way to take care of himself while still remaining true to his family. If he needs an escape, he sure as HECK can find one that will take the needs of his family into consideration. Do NOT accept this.

It sounds like he has been selfish for a long time, and you have been accepting of it, desperate, because you have been afraid of losing him...

Get Harley's book "Field Guide to Relationships", t takes about Buyers, Renter, and Freeloaders. Your WH sounds like a Renter at best...

OW's travel in May could be good timing for you to move into Plan B. This will give you an opportunity to negotiate a return to the family and no more OW. TIme to turn on the charm, offer him the best the family can give, all the family time and snugggling he can take. When OW comes back into town, he will either tell her adios (can't live with the guilt) or try to start things back again. If it is the latter, then have your Plan B letter ready and move to Plan B. After a week (or longer) of all you he will feel the full effect of not having you.

The timing would be about right, a few more weeks of Plan A, your love for him will probably still be intact (can you feel it slipping away?) and you have time to craft a letter and prepare for the kid logistics.

BUT, in order for Plan B to work, you have to do this right...for you, not to manipulate him, but for YOU. There can be NO or VERY limited contact in Plan B. No more texting, no phone calls, set up an intermediary to work out kid visitations. Be clear in your Plan B letter when visits will take place, and he will need to TAKE the kids elsewhere, no more getting his home or Juz fix.

You don't want to stay in Plan A TOO long because it ends up enabling the A. He is getting many of his EN's fulfilled by you and the family, and it affords him the time to spend with OW. When you take the EN fulfillment away, then he has to get those EN's fulfilled by the only person left, OW, and they generally fail because OP and WS are generally selfish people looking out for themselves...

SO, do the best Plan A you can do, think about a PLan B down the road (please don't wait longer than 2 months) and enjoy yourself...

Well - update.......

He arrived home just in time for us to go to the movies. It was ok. Just ok. The kids sat between us. He didnt try to touch me at all.

We get home, put the kids to bed. He sits down in the massage chair and is ohhhing and ahhhing. I said (thinking ENs, good wifey). Would you like a massage?

For the next hour I gave him a back massage and he fell asleep (he'd taken a sleeping tablet before hand). I cried and cried whilst I was doing it, silent tears. It was so sad. It is something we used to do all the time, but haven't done for years. I actually said that to him, we haven't done this for a long time. He said 'I know'

Then I felt him to sleep on the lounge and went to bed. He said he would be in soon.

Well, 2.30am and he was well and truly snoring on the lounge, sleeping tab working wonders. So I reached into the pocket of his jeans and got his phone.

YUP - this is where the fun begins.

No msgs from her from the afternoon/evening. But all yesterday morning (after he had left her placE) msgs from her saying 'I told 'blah blah' at work about you' and 'i miss you already' and 'did yo like licking the sticky dessert off me' I was sick.

But more to the point the messages from him to her were still on there, very rare, whenever Ive snooped before I can't find his sent messages, he usually gets rid of them straight away. And there were messages like 'you looked so sexy in that suit this morning' and 'i miss you like crazy already - love you heaps, Marky'

Grrrr - IM the one who calls him Marky, no one else is allowed. No one else!

So as you can see he is still WELL AND TRULY IN THE FOG. And I see what people have said about how I CANT break up the affair.

I found on here yesterday a post from 'trueheart' it was a letter for WS. It was 3 pages long and I thought he would freak gving him 3 pages.

So last night (before i found the sms's - oh and a photo she'd sent to him of her naked covered in chocolate or something <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> ) I said to him 'i have a letter i'd like you to read, it's 3 pages long and it's not actually from me' He was a bit confused!

I explained to himi what it was and said 'you may not read it now, or even believe it now, but will you give it a try' and he said 'yes'.

He has taken it this morning.

But - this morning i was BAD.

My worst times are morning times. I just dont cope with it all in the morning, like now I have the kids racing round me asking me for food, I need to clean, Im exhausted after 2.5 hours sleep and Im sooo depressed.

Anyway, when his alarm went off (which i changed after he came into bed at 3am -i finished my snooping and woke him up and said 'come ot bed otherwise DS will jump on you in 3 hours time!" I changed his alarm from 6am to 7am. There was no reason he had to leave that early, he just wanted to get out early)

Anyway - I lost it. I just kept talking and talking about 'are you coming home tonight' and he said 'I just woke up, IM still asleep' and I said 'you're fobbing, Im not a doormat Mark' and I said other stuff from my letter abuot how my ENs aren't beling met. That I dont have my partner to converse with, who admired me, how I trusted, the father who was committed etc. And how it had only been twenty five days. He said " I Know'

I said ' I talk too much don't I' he said 'sometimes' I said 'sorry, it's just sometimes I cant' cope. Im committed to fighting for this Mark but we cant' do it whilst she is on the scene and atm you want her on the scene'

no response

I said 'what did you mean by your message the other day after the show about 'I think it was a step in the right direction, and I hope you do too' He said 'it was a nice day, like old times' I said 'did u mean a step for us?' he said 'and the whole family'

I spoke (u see - I spoke too much) about how she was meeting his emotional needs, and I needed to do that.

I asked was he really going on all these long walks or was he just having sex in her bed! He said he was going on the long walks (but ommitted the fact that no doubt he returns to have wild sex!)

I am actually starting to feel better typing it all out, and I thank you for that!

Well, of course, really, for the rest of the night I couldn't sleep, cause the messages to her about how much he missed her were like a minute after ones to me about how he would be here asap that night so we could get kids to movies. And that makes me sick.

A little bit of love DID die away - and that makes me sick too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

DS4 was up when he left today and he was very very clingy 'dont go to work daddy, stay with us today. We dont want you to go to work. What are we going to do tonight when you get home'

I was still in bed but hearing all of this and he fobbed off every answer.

He actually rang me yesterday, rrather than text messaged me one time. This morning I said to him 'it was so nice to have you ring me today, nice ot hear your voice rather than a text'

Oh - I know I probably shouldn't have done this but I got rid of all the kinky photos on his phone that she had sent him. Makes me so sick. They are mixed in between photos of our kids that I have sent him, or photos of this big cruise ship that he took the other day when in town.

And I also deleted from his phone her UK mobile number. But you know what one of the messages that he had from her on his phone was. Her mums phone number in the UK. Typical my friggen WH to ring HER mum (cause her dad has cancer so I am sure he woudl be ringing to see if she is ok - but WTF - what if it's to say 'yes I am serious about your daughter, yes I have a wife and 3 children') This bit really scared me. I deleted that message too.

I feel so lost today. So very lost. D Day was 30th March - my god - it's only 19th April today.

Oh. another thing I said to him was how sad I was that he was with her and wanting her on MY birthday and on our son, Rowan (who was stillborn 8 years ago) birthday. Rowans birthday has always been a very special day to us, and actually, looking back now - WH was funny about it this year - I know now why don't I.

I said he needed to find another job, he couldn't work where she was working. I kept calling her SHE or HER all night, never her name.

Oh - one other thing I said this morning in bed was 'Im so scared that you are saying horrible things about me to her' And he said 'Never Juz, never'. Hmmmmm.

Anyway - dont know what else to say to you cept life sucks!

juz

oh - i said 'does everyone at work know' and he said 'probably' and I said 'did u tell them' and he said 'NO' and I said 'did she' and he said 'no' and I said (knowing that i'd read that SMS that she HAD just told someone else at work) 'C'mon Mark' and he said 'well, probably some people' And I said 'well, that's lovely isn't it. Something to be proud of' and he said 'no, it's not.'

Juzzie, deleting the photos and messages might not have been the greatest idea. He will now guard his mobile phone like a rottweiler. I very much doubt you'll get access to it again.

There are many people who drop their lovers like a hot brick on discovery. Yours, unfortunately, is like mine. He can't quite let go of the family but she's got her claws in deep and he is feeling so torn. Poor Marky!!

Did you take note of any of the numbers on his phone? It is very likely that her parents do NOT know he is married with 3 kids and has a wife who wants him home. MB is big on exposure. It might be timely to call her mother and let her know what's going on. You've got nothing to lose. It's just a shame she lives so far away but she will probably not be impressed.

Juzzie, one of the posters mentioned STD's above. If you choose to sleep with him you are also exposing yourself to all her past conquests. Protect yourself. There is not enough about this issue on MB IMO.

It's so hard to reason with a WS. They really can't see that they are in a temporary state. They forget they once felt the same way about you but the feelings moved over and children, bills, household duties got in the way of the passion. Is your WH being responsible about his financial duties to you and the kids. That can be a big issue. Often they start spending heaps on maintaining their single life style. Make sure you know what's going on at the bank.

Take care. Do you have any friends who could help you out? TT

Dear TT,

That is one thing I am glad to say. He is being V V responsible with money. I check it all the time. She is keeping him - she must be because he has hardly touched a cent (cept for the fact that he is having to fill the car up more often because of the extra driving - grrr)

Regarding the msgs/photos. I KNEW i shouldnt have - but I was so SICK by the bloody photo. SO SO SO SICK.

Also - i deleted her mothers UK number. And after I deleted it I thought 'damn it, I should have sent it to my ph first.' I would have seriously considered ringing her, or at least get my sister to ring her and tell her.

I do have alot of supportive friends and family (Although both my sisters are overseas, one living in Germany the other one on holidays in the UK for the next 2 weeks - OMG it would have been PERFECT. My sister could have rung her from London - bugger!!!!!!! Why didnt I think of that. Why why why.

He's texted me a few times today - but nothing 'personal' I rang him at one point about a bill that I just paid over the phone that was all mucked up.

He was ok on the phone, answered happily but said 'ok, bye' at the end.

I tried to stay happy and chirpy on the ph. I know that he probably wont come home tonight, that he'll go to her place. He's had his family 'fix' and I probably scared him off this morning with my neediness carry on.

I don't know whether to ask him if he read the letter from 'trueheart'. Would he even tell me the truth if he had? And if he is soooo dense in the fog with her still, will it even make a dent?

On a good note, because he was here with us last night, and this morning the kids are much more settled today. Just don't know what to tell them when he sms's me to say he's staying at HER place.

Should I get DD7 to ring him? He is off to the pain management dr tomorrow about his knee/leg, so will then be off working at an office site near there. Which means we can't go visit him at 'work' tomorrow.

Not sure what Friday is bringing. He was going to ask for a flex day for Monday. I might msg him now and ask him if he's remembered to do it - not that he may spend it with us? Who knows. That means there'll be a Sat, Sun, Mon (Flex) and Tues (Anzac Day - public holiday for Australia). Wouldn't it be lovely to have all 4 days with him - but just like Easter, I bet he pisses off to her place for most of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

jus

Grrr. It's awful when you have to accept the crumbs they offer. I don't see any harm in having your son phone him. So, he didn't mention any of the numbers/pictures being erased? Do you think he hasn't noticed yet?

You know Juzzie, it's very hard to compete with the heady heights of an A. I would imagine the life you offer at the moment just seems dull in comparison. Children wear you out, paying bills is boring, complacency sets in. But where do they expect an A is leading to? It either carries on undetected until it naturally dies, or they get discovered and go back to their marriage, or they risk all and leave the marriage for the A partner. And then they do it all again - children, bills, complacency!!! Only second time round they've got the commitment still to the kids from their first marriage.... Madness.

Do your parents/inlaws know? I can't remember if you already mentioned this. There's no point in protecting him now. Personally I think if a person drops the A upon discovery, there is no need to expose it to everyone, but when they carry on cake-eating, you need to do everything possible to shatter the fantasy. TT

MIL knows - FIL there isn't one (well, actually there is but I have met him twice - funnily enough WH doesn't talk to his father because of what he did to his mother! HA!) His brother doesn't know. Don't know whether to ring him about that - his brother is a bit pyscho.

I got a text - who is the person on here who said be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better???

I wrote him a text saying 'would u like to come home for tea and we can pull down the back yard thingy. If you must 'escape' later at least the the kids have seen u and I together'

I sent that about about 3.15pm.

At 4.15 I received 'Can't come home 2nite. I gotta sort something out! Can't explain but need 2 sort out once and for all! Sorry.'

I wrote back 'I know you can't explain, I sent u email about taht this arvo. Im here 24/7 if u need to talk, or text or just silence, Im here. I'll tell the kids ur working late again tonight'

I then cried and cried. And sms'd mum an asked if we could come for dinner as we were going to be alone. and seh said 'YES please, come please, whenever.'

I am hoping (without too much hope) that he HAS read trueloves letter.

TT - the thing is this 'girl' (and I call her taht - she's only 25 and a very young 25) has said several times how 'she can't have children'. Well, neither can WH - he's had the snip! (Which, as an aside, is why theyve prob def had unprotected sex)

Boy oh boy oh boy is this going to be a very long 24 hours.

I have texted both my sisters (who still contact him frequently and viceversa) and asked them to text him sometime tonight. About something insignificant but that reminds him that he has more to lose than just 'us'

well - better get ready to go to mums...