Orchid: Maybe a tad sarcastic. Ok, howz about something a bit more simple and direct. Remember WS' have short attention spans. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

RB comeback: A Me day? Like your Me year? Sorry bud but a good day for me w/b to spend it with my family. I am not from the 'me generation'.


Orchid: OWs like to 'pretend they are the WS and freak out the BS'. If the one you are dealing with is psycho like that..... go have a field day with it and RB all you want. Forget the sarcasism. Mess with her mind and put all the guilt back on 'them'. When the then Xws asked me if I had hired a PI to spy on her (remember it's always all about the drama queen), I told .....wow, what an idea....thanks. LOL!!! Idiots. I had already checked her out. LOL!!!


Orchid: U decide. Remember, plan A is about you making improvements for yourself.


Orchid: Let him sweat.... he needs a bath anyways. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Reverse babble as needed, then sit back, wait and watch.

L.

I found out a freaky thing today.
Apparently to apply for temporary residency visa you need to prove a 6 month defacto relationship.

I truly do believe she is trying to do this.

March - September (when her visa runs out) = 6 months.

He is so being used - stupid idiot.

TT - thanks for your post. My sister in Germany sent him the biggest text message. She is my baby sister and has always had Mark, never remembers a time without him.

She sent him "U had beta not dare 2 comee within an inch ofme & Daniel 4 a very long time. I dont know whats haappened to you or what she has done to u. Im not sure I care anymore. Ur not the person I grew up with knowing as my brother and now by doing this your robbing your own chn of what I loved about u most. U did as much for me as Justien eva did. I looked up to u both. I hope u know she's using you. Yes Shes a lonely ****** who just wants to stayin Australia & ur her ticket. Or worse still, if all that crap about not being able to have kids is true, wants to steal tehm from their mother instead. Dont u dare leaveJustine to tel lthe kids. Its your problem, as u keep saying, handle it Tell them u dont want to live as a family and U tell them that you wont be going on the trip (we're all supposed to be going to Germany in June). DOnt answer this. I dont care what youhave to say anymore. U have alot to do before you redeem yourelf in my eyes Mark... alot'

I am so proud of her!!!

I read it out to my mum on the phone and she sobbed and sobbed. She said she has a letter drafted too - that she is sending to him at work.

Now I am thinking that MIL should ring the Parra office and ask to speak to Root and abuse her.

Anyway - dinner is ready and the wine has arrived! Gonna have a spa after dinner too.

Then tomorrow - back to reality <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

juz

ps - i dont think he would be smart enough to look up this site, not his scene. but Im wondering if its her scene? I have told him about it (cause of truehearts letter etc) Maybe I should change my username? And if I do that - does it change it for all past posts?

Ok Orchid,

Thanks mate.

So perhaps if I reply with something like 'Me ok? Do you think I'd be ok? About Sunday, A Me day? Like your Me year? Sorry bud but a good day for me w/b to spend it with my family. I am not from the 'me generation'

We have alot to do around the house and alot to discuss. You wanna come over to spend the day with the kids and tell them what is going on, fine. I will stay out of your way while you do all that. But I dont want to go anywhere.

Don't ask a WS to think (I'd take out that sentence)...RE: they can't. U ok with this type of reply? Just checking. It is short and powerpacked but some may think it is full of LBs and sarcasim. However, if the WS were treating my family as he is yours....I'd opt for straight talk....LB or not.

JMHO,
L.

Neak - I was just over reading your epic novel. WOW. I am only half way through, although things are starting to look up, you just arrived home to him watching tv with the kids.

ANyway- as I was reading my phone buzzed. It was WH saying 'H (best mate who incidently had msged me today to ask how I was and I told him the latest installment) just msged me, wants me to go over 4 a chat. I asked could I bring kids ova 2 play with N.U ok with that?''

I've yet to answer him, and won't tonight. I firstly msged H and checked that he had sent the msg (bcs 3 wks ago he used H as an excuse b4 I knew about the A and he really went to OW house.) Yes H said, it is true and it is supposidly Sunday.

Soooo, Im not gonna write back tonight, I haven't all day today. I just read in Neak's post about how her WH wondered what she was doing and I know my idiot will be doing the same thing, seeings as he knows how attached I am to my ph.

So now tomorrow, when I DO write back to him and I say all/some of the RB from above post. How do I RB the fact that they are HIS chn adn he doesn't have to ask MY permission to take them to Hs place? (as long as its not to HER place)

I love that he won't be home - he will be at H's. That means he wont be packing a bag here! But then that leaves me here (although I think I HAVE found something to do that day, morning at least)

Anyway- Orchid any tips? lol!

And Neak - Im going back to your story now!

jus

Neak - yikes - I just read your mums post about AJ being 'Mrs Neak'and that is what my WH is! I am very successful in my dancing school and I know that part of the 'depression'that he talked about 'before I knew of the A'was that he hadn't succeeded in anything, that he was usless and had to make something of himself.

The OW is very ordinary. Has no special charms (cept of course her chocolate covered naked body pix). So perhaps that's part of the fog??

He always said how proud he is of me and what I've succeeded in doing, but he does actually get called Mr B (my maiden name) sometimes because I still go by that for my dancing career.

Hmmmm - the mind boggles.....

Sunday seems VERY suspicious to me...he wants the children BAD that day and is finding more and more ways to get them away from you...on THAT day.

My thought? There is something going on in legitimaizing A world on Sunday...the children will probably be meeting the OW, and possibly visiting families...he's mentioned having the kids without you on Sunday at LEAST 3 times.

I would be VERY careful...possibly make plans, or offer (command) that you will take the kids over to H's and pick them up from there later. Perhaps talk with H about how it would be a good time for WH to talk with the kids that day, in front of you and H and then spend some time talking with them, then take them home...

There is something VERY sneaky about this...

I would talk to him on the phone.

He seems comfortable with sms's...I would call...if you find he is calling too much, I would sms...switch it around.

BTW, in the U.S. we would probably call the OW "Rut'.

Juzzie...
slow down
and
break this thing down..

IF you go to plan B as a knee jerk reaction to his silly statement...it will undermine the seriousness of it...
and it will sabotage and fail...

your plan B in response to his saying he can't do this will be seen as..

well ofcourse poor juzzie is just upset right now..
she just needs some time
she'll calm down in a few days and come..

plan B is called plan B because it follows plan A..

the better plan A the greater the release and impact of plan B....

slow down...

ARK

Just saying hi. I got the lovely bug going around, so my brain is less use at the moment than a marshmallow. But even if I can't come up with any coherent thoughts of my own I can recognize good advice when I see it. Read and reread the above wise posts.

You are at the beginning of this process, and it takes time. Relax and be patient. Plan B will come soon, but you have some work to do first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


This is the essence of it all, and Orchid has given you a few ways to get started. Day by day, you will get through this.

SMIH. I agree about the sussness of Sunday. Thankfully there is no family for them to meet - just OW. But I am going to re-iterate about not meeting her.

Ark - I have just tried to call him - twice. I haven't responded to any of yesterday's messages yet. I have been feeling too sick. Still feel sick even after half a tab of valium. My anxiety level is worse today than yesterday, I think the shock is finally settling in.

The last time i felt like this was 8 years ago when my son was stillborn. But i had Mark with me for that.

I can think of 2 reasons (no, 3) why he is not answering his phone. 1) he is still asleep (11.34am - could be) 2) I am ringing from a friends ph cause we stayed the night so he may not recognise the number or he MAY recognise it and not want to hear from them and 3) She is there and he won't answer it.

I didnt want to ring from my mobile phone because the bill is going to be high enough this month as it is.

I too am sick of the sms's I want to speak to him.

I dont want to go to plan b I just couldn't cope with the messages from yesterday and couldn't respond.

Jus

Well, I am home. It's now 3pm and he never returned my call <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am better than I was this morning. It's just mornings I really can't cope with.

So now, I think I won't try and call him again. I really DONT want to message him. I really want to TALK to him, even if it's strained.

He says he will be here early in the morning......?

He rang at 3pm. We spoke for 6.47min. Very sad, i could think of nothing to talk to him about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He said 'hi' (in sad voice) I said 'oh hi' and he asked how I was and I said 'not good, but getting there'.

He wanted to check that all was ok for tomorrow with coming here early etc and how were the kids and DD18mths was making noises behind and he said 'oh, yes D, say your piece.'

He perked up as the convo went on, I just wish I had more to keep talking to him about.

I said 'weve got alot to talk about, do we do it in the morning before the kids get up or in the afternoon'.

He said (babble) 'play it by ear'

So I said 'we'll play it by ear?'

I asked him if he got my call this morning and he said he noticed a missed call, he didnt get up until 3pm. I said 'did you go out last night?' 'yes, to Retro' (which is a 70's nightclub - a place we went, when we went out -whcih wasn't often since the wee one was born)

I said to him 'Im so worried about the money Mark and I know that is one of the reasons you feel you have to distance yourself from me, because Im always talking about money, but we HAVE to talk about it. How are we going to afford this'.

He said 'we'll talk about it tomorrow'

I said 'are we still going to go to the MC on the 1st?'

He said 'yes'

I said 'so all hope isn't lost'

and he said 'no'

I told him about an invitation the kids had gotten for thier sports awards for next Sunday at 10am and would we take them and he said 'oh yes, that sounds good.' I thought that would be a good day of ENs without it being 'at home'

He said that he is going to take the kids to the park (and I will ensure that OW isn't going to be there) and then come back and talk to them.

A friend I was speaking to tonight is a single mother who raised 3 girls alone and is in the army. She said to ensure that he is as involved with the kids as possible. That if he choses to 'move out' then he still has to show his responsibilities by picking the kids up on the days he always did.

She said that when she was away for work etc and might ahve been away for a few weeks or a few months, when she came back SHE got overwhelemed with her chns noises and the 'kid clutter' and things like that, and she's the mother.


Oh - and she said for him NOT to tell the kids too much as there is that glimmer of hope (in that he is willing to still go to MC) so not to make it so definate on the kids? What do you think?

So he needs to still be around this as much as pos so that he doesn't forget that this is what family life is about, whilst he is out living the single life.

So anyway - I was thinking of writing out for him a list of what his responsibilities should be, even though he is chosing to live away from home

For instance - Mondays - come home and feed kids and put them to bed (as I teach dancing Mondays, and this is always what he did).

Either stay here Monday night on lounge or go back to 'there' but be back here Tuesday morning to take DS4 to Preschool (as my work is in the opp direction on Tuesdays)

Tuesday nights - pick up DD7 from dancing and bring her home.

Thursday nights - pick up DD7 from dancing and bring her home.

Saturday - be here to take DS4 to dancing and bring him home.

Ensure that he spends time here to look after the yards/pool etc, as was always what he did.

Plus family outings such as 'presentation days' and 'trips to the park'

These are just the 'responsibility' section.

Nothing to do with the boundaries of 'under NO circumstances are the children to meet ROOT. She is not a part of their lives even though she may be a part of yours.'

What else should I say? Are these things above ok to say? How should I word them?


Ark - do you think this is taking more 'ME' control of the situation?

I was so NICE to talk to him on the phone today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> even if it wasn't a great convo. I did try to be upbeatish - but pretty hard to do so.

juz

The message that my sister sent to WH yesterday - well my ****** of a WH fwd'd it to me tonight. He said 'Im gonna fwd u a msg kc sent me. I deserve it so I don't blame her'

I MEAN WTF!!!

Of course you deserve it - and y the 'blip' send it to me FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!

God he is an idiot!

RB to the text he sent you re: your sister's message:

WH, why do you think you "deserve it"? After all, you are happy and this is what you want?

Regards,

BB

LOL BB - Wish I'd had that 3 hours ago! That would have been perfect! A bit too late to send it now though - will have lost it's impact.

MInd you, if he brings is up tomorrow I will make sure I say it.

How are you doing today?

Im just composing a written letter for him outlining his responsibilities etc. I decided to write it not type it - it's amazing how much LONGER it takes! LOL

To used to the keyboard these days!

jus

Juzzie, good luck tomorrow. There is a brilliant piece of writing by a guy called Frank? Pittman about romantic love affairs. If only your WH could realise he is in a temporary state of infatuation. She is not worth giving up everything he loves and values, and whilst he continues to pursue his 'dark side' he is doing so much damage to you and your marriage. I'm glad he is agreeing to MC; perhaps that will knock some sense into him. Keep us posted. TT

Thanks TT,

Yeah - if only hey!

I have just finished composing a 5 page letter to him. Much of which I had written in my first letter (above somewhere) that I never gave him, and other stuff which I have snatched from this site.

As well as adding into it about his responsibilities and my boundaries.

I am also going to say when I give it to him could he endeavour to keep it in a safe place where ROOT won't find it, as I feel she could be doing snoopy snoop big time into his things (just like me! lol)

I tried to ring him 3 hours ago (cause I dont wanna use sms anymore) to ask him to get some bread and milk on the way home. He didnt answer - surprise surprise surprise. I did consider ringing the home number (which I have) but Im not QUITE that brazen yet! LOL!

So ended up just sending him a text that said 'tried to ring you, plesae pick up some B & M on the way home tomorrow'.

And Im gonna keep calling it HOME HOME HOME all the time.

He called it 'home' today too - gotta keep that up.

I will go google Frank Pittman, but not tonight. Think I'd better go to bed. Gotta ****** of a day in front of me tomorrow and it's almost half 12.

Hope you're doing well & thanks for the support.

Hugs
Justine

This is just a thought, but maybe you could put some of the responsibility for coming up with a solution on him? Like, make a short list:
1. Monday night I work at dance class
2. Tuesday morning I can't take DS4 to preschool
etc.

Tell him the problem, and ask him to come up with a solution.

good suggestions by NEAK. Also the RB lines c/b used later and still be effective.

I demanded the WS show us he was happy. That really screwed up his face and mind. Literally.

I was sly.... I told him his family wasn't happy (remember he kept saying we w/b better off w/o him....so he could have his A). I agreed and then reminded him that we deserve t/b happy but couldn't be as long has he was having his A. Typical Bs verbage. Then I added the twist.....got him to acknowledge he was brining pain and suffering to his family (even though he didnt' mean to - yea....that didnt' count). So once those words were out of his mouth...... I let waited a while, then reminded him of those words.....out of the blue....we were actually having a non R convo and it was a fairly decent conversation. LOL!!! Went something like:

Ws...blah..blah...blah..

BS: Oh yea......

BS: Btw, WS there's something I need you t/d.

WS: What is it? (nicely said, remember he was just talking about 'blah'.. ....).

BS: Well I've been thinking (deadly words to a WS).... you can see your family still hurts from this separation, right?

WS: (defensive mode coming up)....yes.

BS: Uh....ok. Needed to make sure. (not just wanted....)..... well..... I was wondering, with all our misery.....someone needs to be happy. I mean we (son & I) are misreable..... so YOU need t/b happy w/all this chaos and misery. Not the OW. I don't care about her and she isn't part of this family.... so I guess that w/b you. So from now on when you come over.....you need to be happy, jovial and full of laughter....even when you see us crying. oK. I mean you need to show us how happy u r with her. We NEEEED to SEEE it (got a bit dramatic there). LOL!!!

You should have seen his face twist up. He admitted he wasn't that happy and the more he tried to defend his sadness, the more I pushed his need t/b happy.

It was a classic momment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L.

Juzzie,

You have got to force yourself to be unavailable. When he calls, let the kids answer if you can. I know it is hard. It was so hard for me to do that. I wanted to call him about a million times a day. My hardest time was at night. I work full time and would be so busy at work that I wouldn't have time to think about it. But then I would go home and be so alone. My son (18) works a lot at night and I would just open a can of soup for dinner and sit and wonder what he was doing. Then hop into our big bed all alone. It was miserable.

But I didn't call. He wondered what I was doing as well. And I am sure he discussed this constantly with the OW. And don't you know she hated that.

I would encourage the kids to call him at night or even if he calls them that would work. This will show OW that he is still connected to them. She wants to be the only one in his life (as shown in the chocalate incident - Yuck!) She will not want to share him with the kids and when she is all he has - he will be miserable.

Fight the impulse to stay in touch and let him see that you are prepared to build a life on your own.

Hang in there!

Nkay