Juzzie, bumping this up. I understand the reasons for the change of identity but don't want you to get lost on page 3!
Let us know how it goes with WS today. TT

Wow, I only found this purely by accident. I went to my home, and happened to see that one of my threads was entitled "help". What???????? I didn't remember adding that one, and it was posted by somebody named zuj! A couple sentences into the first post it all became clear to me.

Zuj, I can understand your being upset. Every time something major happens like this it feels like the end of the line. But again, WS's have very short attention spans. By this time next week he will have likely forgotten all about this. (Of course it will be something else instead, but that's depressing so we won't worry about it till it happens.)

If he even brings it up, just be very calm and stand your ground. "I want to save our marriage. I have been learning everything I can about affairs and how to recover from them, and have been asking for a wide variety of advice, all because I want our marriage to make it."

When he tried to argue with you, just repeat a variation on the above theme. "I still love you. I want our marriage to make it through this, and have been gathering knowledge to help me through this very painful time."

Broken record is the key. Stay on message. "I have been looking for support to keep my spirits up until your affair is over, and we have the chance to rebuild our marriage." There are 1000's of ways of saying it, but just keep going through the list.

If he asks you what cake-eating is, I would tell him frankly. "It's where you want to have your cake, and eat Root, too. You know, you can't go back and forth between two women for the long term. Eventually you will have to choose one or the other." (And then drop that subject, but if he says he HAS chosen her, just raise one eyebrow and say, "Ahhhhh," skeptically.)

On the off-chance he asks you what Plan B is, I would just say something like, "It's just something my friend was talking to me about, but it has no bearing on where we are right now." (And then quickly change the subject.) That is exactly true. It has no bearing on where you are right now, only on where you will be soon.

Last but not least, get a new email address to handle all A-related stuff, and make sure it's not a password he can guess. Later you will need to be fully honest with him, and you should not lie even now, but you cannot tell him everything you know. Go a little further underground so he does not see what is in store for him.

Hope you are having as good a weekend as possible. Hang in there with the kids. I'll be gone all day tomorrow, but will check in when I can to see how you're doing. {{{{Zuj}}}}

Hope this makes you snicker. Just found it.

Ruth Root - Artist Extraordinaire &...olleyes.gif" alt="" />

From what I've read, he's now going to desparately try to convince everyone it isn't about sex.

Now here's where RB c/b a great tool. Try this POV.

BS: If it isn't about the sex....y r u paying her..... anything?

WS: I'm not paying her anything.

BS: U sure? $$, time, attention, etc..... R U now doing that for strange, I mean strangers instead of your family? What kind of man r u?

WS: No. I mean.... I don't go to strangers, uh.... she's a fr....i...nd.

BS: A fiend? Eeeewuhhh.

WS: No uhhhh, uhhh, never mind.

BS: Yea.....no mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ..... and no sex drive.... tell me, what was the reason for the strong attraction.... I seemed to have forgotten. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

NOTE: Btw, a similar script was played between myself and my then WS. See, I got my RB practice in too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks TT! Wow What a weekend I have had. (WARNING - EPIC NOVEL COMING UP!)

Cant say I was too strong when he arrived Sat morn. He said 'hello' to me, quite sheepishly. I said 'are you ok?' he said 'so/so'. I went over to him and I said 'I understand you are angry but you must understand that I AM VERY ANGRY TOO. And I need support. My friends are my support system. Ok, so you read things you don't appreciate, well, I've been through [censored] and back and I don't appreciate that either. Don't I deserve to have my friends support me?'

He said he supposed so and yes, he understood why but he was upset that everyone said bad things about her - HAH. He said he can understand why they say bad things about him but she doesn't deserve it'

I said 'oh no, that's right - she doesn't!'

So he hugged me then and said 'Id had a bad day, I was in a bad mood and finding those just made it worse.'

I said 'well, I had a bad day too but getting those from you just made it worse.'

And he then left with DS to go to dancing.

He msged me from there a few times and then msged to say he had to play 2 games of soccer that day.

So he got home at 10.45ish and I said 'have u made up your sports drink?' and he said 'no, i bought one this morning cause I didn't think I'd have a chance.'

I said 'you mean, you thought you'd have the sh!ts and p!ss off straight after dancing?'

He said 'maybe that too, but Ive calmed down now.'

So we all went to soccer and yet again he dispeared for 15mins (they are the longest toilet trips I tell ya!)

And the kids had a great time, and I had a nice time with one of the other wives (who doesn't know) and that was that.

We came home, he said 'wanna watch a dvd?' I said 'OK!'

We watched Billy Connelly after the kids went to bed and then he started looking up motorbikes on the internet.

At midnight I said 'well, IM going to bed. You look exhausted and should probably sleep on the lounge seeings as you'll need to be back here early tomorrow anyway'

He said 'perhaps' (which is always his no!) and I knew he wouldn't cause he hadn't even had a shower after soccer by this time.

I went to bed and at 1.10am he left (again I heard the pacing for over an hour - its good to have wooden floorboards sometimes! LOL)

I msged him 10mins later and said 'Drive Safely, be careful Ni Ni'

He wrote back 10mins later and said 'You are supposed to be alseep! R not home tonight,she at a girls night with friends. I'll have a shower, get my clothes ready for tomorrow and have a nap.'

Sure enough, 7am he arrived back here this morning. Looked tired out of his mind and so todays fiascos began....

Took the kids to their athletics presentation (they both got trophies - were very excited! lol). He was messaging when I looked back to where our seats were (as I had just moved up the front to take a photo of the kids on the stage).

Then we went to McDonalds for lunch. He was messaging from the seat as I was ordering the food.

Then he took Boy to the toilet - and they were gone for 10mins and he said 'OMG DS just sat and sat and it kept coming and coming' and I said 'oh - plenty of time for you to text message then'. And he said 'ahh - yeah' with a puzzled look on his face.

Oh - this morning when i said 'you must hvae only gotten 2 hours sleep' he said to me 'im just not tired' and I said 'Hmm, maybe it's guilt? Ya think?'

(I actually DO think it's the ADs, but he hasn't been back to the Dr since he was put on them 5 wks ago and I dont think they are working for him)

Well, by this afternoon, no actually, whilst I was at Macca's I thought 'geez, this just isn't WORTH it, ya know. It's all games, I dont know what's truth and lies any more.'

So I came home and he got BACK on the internet to look at bikes (more of the mid-life crisis) and I did a load of washing, unpacked the dishwasher, cleaned up the loungeroom (all things I wouldn't necessarily have done in his presence before, or after being out IYKWIM). Then I played a board game with the 2 older ones whilst DD18mth was sleeping. They then watched tv and I went to put clothes away and then sat on lounge up stairs with TV on and read a mag.

Just kept away from him.

Well, he started pacing about 4.15pm. And I thought - yep - it's coming soon. (oh - Id heard his ph go off a few times in the car after Maccas). And sure enough at 5 he said to me 'I'm going now' So I sat there and said 'oh right, yep, what do you explain to the kids' (cause at least every other time the kids have been in bed when he has left) 'I'll tell them Im going to my friends'. So I heard him come down and tell them something like that and DS got upset and he said "I'll be here early in the morn to take DD to school and D to babysitter'

So he comes upstairs and gives me a kiss, just a peck and said 'see u in the morning, ok?'

I said 'ok' and he left and I locked the doors. DD18mnths cried and cried calling 'dada' and then she climbed up ONTO the cabinent and tried to OPEN the frong door!

THEN.....

5 mins later my phone rings and it was him asking if his wallet was in backpack, sure enough it was, so he he turned around.

Well, this is where things got interesting.

I was busy downstairs when he came in and he said 'i'd just gotten to the petrol station when i thought where is it, lucky I checked'.

I said 'well u better sneak out because D will cry again'

'How long did she cry for before?'

'5 mins'

'Is that why the screen door was locked?'

I ignored that comment and said 'she actually climbed up onto the bench and tried to open the door! Little monkey'

And he said again 'is that why the screen door was locked?'

I looked at him and said 'No, the screen door was locked because I locked up - Its not like anyone is coming home later tonight.' I didnt say it sadly, I didnt say it sarcastically, I just said it.

He walked over to me (I had my hands in teh back pockets of my jeans) and he reached his arms around me and hugged me, then he kissed me - and I mean KISSED me! and his hands were roaming. I went WEAK at the knees I tell ya! OMG! Well, maintaining my composure (at least TRYING TO!) I said (i think!) 'D's downstairs you'd better sneak out now'

And I stood where I was while he left and he looked back as he closed the door.

AND I FELT SOOOOO EMPOWERED! I dunno why! I think cause I acted so blaze about it all and he came to me.

But.......

a few mins later my bubble burst and I dont know how much is games and how much isn't.

I had left my mobile sitting on the bench for the arvo as I went around and did things. I THOUGHT Id gotten off it msgs from other people regarding HIM or HER.

Well, I happened to look in my sent files and at 3.50pm he had sent himself, from my phone the msg I had written to his work friend about Root getting the job in Ncstle.

Now - I am peeved. NOt because the msg was nasty, it wasn't. In fact at the end of it it says 'I just dont know what to believe any more from who was my D husband and best friend.'

but I peeved that a) I didnt DELETE the bloody msg and b) that he snooped, foudn it and didnt delete that he had found it (alhtough I think I might have caught him by surprise as he sent it to himself twice) and c) that I have implicated that his friend is msging me.

So I suddenly DIDNT feel so in control any more! LOL

So I msged said friend and warned her and she msged back that 'she didnt give a hoot that it was common knowledge that Root had the job and he was a prat to be looking on my phone'

So at least, if he mentions it to her ( which he IS likely to do - he thinks he's in the right!) she can at least know it's coming.

So anyway - that has been my eventful, but non-eventful weekend.

And now the fun begins - back to work tomorrow and because it's a pupil free day I have a meeting on the other side of Sydney and can't get all 3 kids to their 3 different places they need to be. So WH is coming early in morn to do 2 of the runs. So I will see him in the morn (as if it were normal) , then in the arvo when I start teaching dancing, and then tomorrow night when we go to the MC.

Oh - thats right - I said to him when he arrived Sat morn 'so are we still doing the MC, and he said 'yes'' But as I say - not sure how much is games these days, "I'll appease Juzzie and go, she cant' say I didnt try then". That kind of cr^p!

Then back to schedule, Tues he will be here in morn and arvo, Wed we wont see him. (but he has an extra soccer game and he checked with me tonight about whether I was bringing the kids. I said ' have to teach') I am worried he is going to take HER to that game cause he knows we wont be there. I will actually say something to him about that, prob Tues or maybe at the MC. Some of these soccer ppl know,, but only ones that worked with him years ago and are 'friends'. The others dont, and theyve seen the kids and I there for the last 3 weeks. I would NOT appreciate him taking ROOT to the night game we can't go to.

I did msg him tonight to ask him to check with one of the other wives on Wed night about whether this toy we brought home is her sons. So *hopefully* that might remind him that ppl will be there that know us both.

Anyway - he msged me on his way BACK to Roots tonight - about some strange thing he saw in the traffic. But of course Ive not heard from him since cause he's arrived to her outstretched arms.

Ok - this is waayyy tooooo loooong but I had to let it all out!! I haven't been able to get on here for 2 days!! Been killing me! LOL!

Hugs
J

Thanks Neak - It almost seemed like that (re short attention span) by yesterday arvo.
I did get more out of him yesterday arvo actually. He was trying to tell me something about some ad on tv and he said 'ive told u before' and I said 'no you haven't, remember you have someone else to tell things to now, perhaps you told her.' and he said 'no, i told you, thats one of the things that annoys me, you switch off and dont listen to me.'

This is actually partly true - I know I am bad at that - but so is he and I said as much, and he said 'only about dancing' and I said 'only about cars!'. And we both laughed, but it is one of the things i have been making a concerted efffort to fix.

So, because we were talking about things that annoyed I said 'was it also because of the amount of time I spend on the internet' and he said 'well that annoys me because im up here (watching SPORT - see why Im on the internet!). And i said 'yes, i have spent too much time on there, I realise that.'

(mind u, he has spent SO MUCH TIME on here over this weekend) So if/when things are RESOLVED I will endeavour NOT to be on the net when he is home!

Thankyou for those wonderful responses btw. I love them. Just got to remember then at the right moment!

Hugs

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANKYOU!!!!!

NEEDED THAT!!!!!

Hi Orchid,

When u mean 'from what you've read' do you mean from what I posted, or in general WH babble? I am thinking (hoping) u mean the 2nd, especially when u then posted some great RB for me to use! LOL!


He just msged 'Ni Ni' to me - she must be in the toilet! lol

You know what he said to me tonight as he closed the door - dunno if it was the first time or the 2nd time he closed teh door - but whatever. He said 'be good'

WTF!!! BE GOOD!!! Give me some great RB to THAT one please -cause it's not the first time he's said it to me!

cheers!
J

Last post (for the moment I promise!!)

As I posted in my first one tonight, at one point today I just thought 'Nup, I cant do this. I can't put up with this [censored] and KNOW it is happening'

Things would come up, like something about one of the last times he was at the kids LAs and then he went out to the city 'for drinks with work mates' and I realise now - that was one of the first times he was with her. And he brought up that night, as in, when he was at LAs and I felt sick and thought 'you B, how can u THINK of that night and not know what you did afterwards'.

Or later, at home, we were discussing how we have to get our tax done from last year and I said 'Ive sorted last years from this years, but no further yet, I did that the night you were out ****** her.' and he rolled his eyes at me and I said 'well, you were, weren't you.'

Not smart of me I know - but sometimes Im just getting too fed up with it all.

DD18mth accidently stepped on his croutch today and he moaned in pain and I said 'good girl, do it again, but harder this time'

Yeah, anyway - Sometimes, and its getting more often, I feel like Im being taken for a ride. I feel like he is enjoying being able to play 'happy families, weekend daddy with a little bit of H thrown in' and then go back to the Root and escape.

And I wonder if he is just waiting for ME to throw the towel in. As Ive mentioned plenty of times previously. He is very gutless. In all things it's been text msgs, and if not through him, hints through others. For gods sake it was Root herself who told me she was sleeping with him.

So I am starting to wonder if THIS IS his plan. To wear me down. To MAKE me be the one to say 'bye bye'. Because I know he was shocked to the extreme that I didnt cut his [email]b@lls[/email] off when I found out the first night. Perhaps if it hadn't been the kids party that weekend the whole scenario would have been totally different - who knows.

So - dunno if the ADs for ME are starting to work, or if I AM getting stronger(somestimes I feel it, sometimes I dont.) Or if Im just sick of playing games and I know the games are gonna get ALOT tougher before they get better.

Now that she has the job in Ncstl she may not be going to UK. I found out THAT much this morn from him. (although he didnt SAY about the Ncstl job, he just said 'she has applied for jobs and if she gets them she wont be going back for her holiday'. Im not sure Im as upset about this as I thought I would be. I think its better if she is here because he *hopefully* will see thru her quicker.

Well, I have to get ready for bed. No late night tonight, hardly slept last night and school tomorrow. Im not looking forward to it. Saw a work friend at the kids presentation today and I could tell she knew - she didnt know where to look <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My other work friends know and I am in no mood to 'talk' Some of them have had VERY bitter Ds and I dont need their negativity - ya know?

Do you think I should talk at MC about the whole 'it seems we're playing games' issue?

Off to brush my teeth and iron clothes for morning...

ta

I THINK I Just found her mothers mobile number! OMFG!! Should I text her???

WH borrowed my PDA the other day. It copies automatically, all his 'contacts' onto it's hard drive. I was just looking at it and it had 'Lyn Mobile' and a number that isn't the right set of numbers for a mobile in Australia.

However, my sis has had a UK mobile number for when she was on hols over there (would u believe she is actually ON A PLANE HOME RIGHT NOW) and other than the 44 the digits are the same length and start with the same numbers.

I am almost 100% sure it is Roots mother.

OMG! What should I do!!!!

What r u strong enough t/d?

L.

No Orchid - dont think I am as yet.....

Then add this to your tools, keep it in a safe spot, don't tell the WS what you have so you can use it when u r ready and see fit to use it correctly.

take care,
L.

i got this msg late last night. I really think he might be bipolar...

" I see Jo has been keeping you up to date as well? So R basically has a job in Ncstl or NB coming up! But u know that. She got ph call last week asking where she prefer but not the official offer yet. She not sure if its gunna be perm job or the perm part time 1 yet.so I bet ur wondering what Im gonna do? So am I! It wont force me home. Part of me wants to go to Ncstle. Part of me wants to stay here in town and most of me got NFI!

I wrote back and said 'I just sent u an email talking about feeling trapped' please read it when u have a chance, also, why u gotta be so cranky all the time'

He wrote back 'Im not cranky! Women just friggen confuse me no end! Just worse when Im like this. If i had a motorbike now and was on leave no1 would see me for couple of weeks! Ni Ni'

and thats the last Ive heard.

He should be here by now - or very shortly, to take kids to school.

Just wanted to get this down before he arrived.

Tscuss.
J

Zuj, your WH is going to do what he's got to do. I will be AMAZED if he gives her up. It is only when the reality of not interacting with you on a daily basis hits him, that he will realise what he has to lose.

That's my guess. Not to say you should jump ship and send him off but he reminds me so much of my WH when he was 'outed'. I also found out about his A from the OW. My husband is gutless and even to this day, I don't think he has ever mentioned OW's name to me. It's like he wants me to think he left, but not to be with her.

2 yrs past Dday he wants to come back. Of course. Now the ball is in my court and I don't know want to play anymore.

Hey TT,

Is there a link to your story? I am scared when I read your post cause I do think you're right. Do you mean that you 'KNOW you don't want to play anymore' or "NOW you don't wanna play anymore'. I am so scared that will be me. HOw did your kids take it.

I went to speak to the counsellor at DD school today but she was in a meeting. I will give her a call tomorrow to let her know and ask her to have a 'chat' with DD, i am very worried about her.

We've just gotten back from the MC. And you'll all be pleased to know that, THANKFULLY he is one of these ones who DOES address the A.

But Im not in the frame of mind to talk about it atm.

It is very draining, isn't it.

OK - Orchid your RB is what the MC said to do - cept he called it paraphrasing! I had a wee giggle to myself when he was talking about it!

It is what he wants us to try this week.

He said 'yes, it is very artificial and plastic but I want you for 3mins each, every day to have a conversation where you say somethign u like and/or dont like about the other person and then the other persons paraphrases it.' So you know that you have been heard.'

No more than 6 mins and for no more than a week because YES it is difficult to do and artifical but you have to start communicating, and this is the first peg.

There are lots of stepping stones and not all of them are going to be useful all the time.

Umm - just thought of that and had to share.
j

Zuj, One minute I think I'll have him back and then I change my mind. It's a gigantic mess. My WH is VERY ill with kidney failure so she's used him up and spat him out, and now it's up to me to decide what to do. I'm sure there is a link to my story but originally I posted as Tummytuck (they changed the board about a while ago and I lost my login). If you do a search on my name, I'm sure you can find all the old crap.

You have made one enormous step that my WH would not take - couldn't get him near a counsellor because "nobody would understand what was going on his head"! Yeah, because he was unique.

You also have the advantage that it hasn;t actually been going on that long. Mine was knee-deep in the A when I finally found out why he'd been so weird and distant. I put EVERYTHING down to bad health, long hours, and medication! Didn't cross my mind he'd find the energy to screw around. It was blatently obvious but I wasn't on the look out for an A so I didn't pick up on the signs. Ah well, TT

Am having a bad day today.

Had to call him to just talk, and talked relationship. Even though he was at work.

Have hole in chest again today.

I think it's thinking about Thursday, because 2mrw is actually (3rd May) 15 years since our first date! We went and saw 'Misery' at the movies. I deliberately chose a scary movie so I could 'feign' being frightened! lol!

I wanna remind him tomorrow.

I wont see him tomorrow.

2night we start the 'paraphrasing'

He isn't wearing his wedding ring - he isn't wearing all of his rings. I said to him this morning, you're not wearing your wedding ring, he said 'im not wearing any of them' He has lost alot of weight but that is going to be one of my 'paraphrases' tonight.'

'It hurts me to see you not wearing your wedding ring. It makes me think that you have already given up on our marriage.'

I went and saw the cousellor at DD school today. She was great. Unfortunately she is going to a school camp for the rest of the week but will see DD on Monday.

TT - I am very sorry to hear about your WH illness. This worries me about my WH too. That he is so dependant on medication and is still popping lots and lots and lots of paracetamol on top of this. I can't imagine what it is doing to his liver and kidneys.

I agree about it being a big step that he would go to the MC. But as Ive said before, I dont know if it's just to appease me so that he can say 'he's tried'.

I got my hopes up last night when I said something needy after the MC like 'Not enough to make you come home' and he said 'not yet'.

So today when I said 'when u said last night 'not yet' did u mean that you are thinking about it' and he said 'sometimes, but I wasn't going to say NO to you because that is too final.'

So he is still doing the fob off.

But today my WH who usually did so much around the house, arrived at 6.30am. I got up and had a shocking headache so said to him I was taking 2 tablets and going to lie down for 20mins before I got up. All the clothes were on the ironing board ready to be ironed for the kids.

I got up in the 20mins and he was sitting on the computer and hadn't done any ironing. DD18months was up and so was DS and he hadn't gotten them breakfast.

Things he would always have done <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Does he think that 'being here' in the morning to take DS to school is enough of his responsibility - it's not.

That will be ANOTHER of my paraphrases tonight I think. How disapointed I was that he didnt do what he would normally have done.

I did tell him last night, after the MC that he had become so selfish. He didnt like that, I saw him back away.

OH and he was v worreid about me driving home from there and he said a doz times' please msg me when u get home so I know uv arrived safely'.

So I did - and he never responded and I said to him this morning 'you didnt respond' and he said 'sorry'. I said 'how do you think that makes me feel. You cared enough when you left the MC but by the time u got to her house u had forgotten.'

No response.