Thanks TT - I needed that slap across the face! My sister said the same thing to me today.

I really hope he wakes up soon too cause this spiral is killing me. I WILL get myself up and ready for work tomorrow, I will get the kids to school. It'll kill me - but I'll do it.

I had to tell a few more people tonight, at dancing. The weight loss is just too obvious. They were joking about 'hey, tell us your secret!' and I said 'sure, have your husband walk out on you on a little MLC that'll do it everytime!'

Well it shut them up! LOL!

Thanks for writing TT - Its nice to have you out there.

Hugs

Ok- so Im more hurt. He said he'd ring tonight, and he hasn't. It's like a stupid childhood romance for godsake.

but it still hurts.

"Ive had a rough day but I'll call you tonight when u finish teaching"

Still waiting...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If it rings, don't be available. Tomorrow, don't be available, either.

Plan A does not mean that you have to stir the chaos with your body every second of every day. Take enough mini-vacations from the mess to keep your strength up until you are ready for Plan B. Make him wonder a bit about you, too.

Again, please do not take what he does so personally. Everything he does comes straight from his little donkey heart, and is merely an indicator of who and what he is right now. It does not reflect on you.

Use this time to study up not only on A-busting, but on what you want and need out of recovery. I predict you will not have a whole lot of time during Plan B to do this, so start getting ready now.

Could you make time to take the kids to the park this afternoon? Get out in the fresh air for a few minutes. Push them on the swings. It will be good for them, too.

HE'S HAD A ROUGH DAY - don't you love it? I wish he'd stop whinging about how bad he feels and how rough his life is, blah blah blah. I don't buy it. It is self-inflicted misery. I'm not pretending it's easy to juggle two lives but I hate the denial of any happiness in his life. My WH was EXACTLY the same. They think they are Oscar Wilde - it's all such tragedy.

Zuj, I hope tomorrow you can face the day. The kids need one parent who they can depend upon. TT

Well it's morning - no phone call or text message all night. I do know my sister sent him a text last night that abused him, so that may have something to do with not hearing from him. He may have been 'too low'.

He wrote to her and started it with 'hey P it's your maybe, possibly x BIL here, im worrieda about your sister blah blah blah'

My sis wrote back and said 'frankly Im sick of you both only thinking of yourselves, I love you M but your children are turning into ferrals and my parents are too old to have the responsibility of 3 more children. Leave your Ho and get back to your wife where you belong'

So - umm - yeah - that could be why I didnt hear from him!!!

Neak - where do I study up on what I want/need out of recovery. I have told him, in letters, texts and in person that the first step is broken contact with her.

I just wish he'd ring the damn IC. He still hasn't done it. Talks about it - but doesnt do it.

His work does know, I dont know if he 'boss' knows - I dont know his boss. He just told me that most of the office knows about it.

Hard not to take it so personally Neak, but I do know what you mean.

And yes TT - poor dear - HE has had a rough day. I too am so cranky that he has inflicted this on all of us yet he is still so miserable. I wrote something similar in a text to him yesterday morning. That we are both so miserable in this situation and aren't able to give solace to each other.

There is so much that i write in the texts but I dont know if he just skims them and deletes or if he fog-alien brain can't interpret them atm or if they do strike a chord (hence why he wrote to my sister yesterday after my v needy texts yesterday morning)

Anyway - must shower and GET READY FOR WORK.. hoo hum

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Zuj,

Sorry to be out of touch. We were away for weekend. Trying to spend more leisure time together.

I do feel that my plan B is what made him see OW in a less than favorable light and see how much he missed me. When I realized that he was playing games and not ready to come home, I told him that he needed to be honest with himself before he could be honest with anyone else. And I went underground. I didn't call him, no messages, NC. It was the hardest thing I ever did and I had to fight the urge to call him a 100 times a day. I knew where OW lived and had to force myself not to get in the car and go over there. I slept little but ate more healthy and exercised more. I made a point to make dates with my girlfriends and keep myself busy.

The change came about when I began to feel stronger which could only have come with NC. Not talking to him made me feel stronger. (Although very sad) I was going through withdrawal just as he went through when he finally left OW. I spoke with him after almost 3 weeks and basically said I felt that he thought he could just come back whenever and I would be there waiting. I told him that I valued our M and that I was willing to work on the M with conditions but that this was not an offer that would be on the table forever. I was unemotional and matter of fact with him. I then said simply, "I love you and want you to come home but I get stronger every day". I must have been convincing because he told OW that night that he was going home to his W. She delayed his return by a day by claiming her life was over during which he went to a friend's house who told him "go home to your wife".

I understand your feeling about his indifference and that he may have had good sex that morning. These HO's are desparate to hang on to our men and will do whatever it takes to convince them. They will lie, cry, rant and rave. They have listened when our husbands complain about us which we know is a part of M but they will highlight these complaints over and over to make us look less appealing. When she is the only voice he is listening to and you are not reciprocating, he will realize that she is manipulating him. Take the high road and sit back and let him come to the conclusion himself. When you speak to him which should be only occasionally, continue with the RB and make sure he knows you love him but you are doing fine. NC is not a punishment but a necessary survival tactic. At some point you have to get off the roller coaster or you will get horribly ill.

Hang in there! I agree that your M is far from over!

Nkay

Thanks Nkay for that insight.

After what has happened today I think really really think it's time I went dark.

I got this msg this morning....
"Ive figured out one thing. The past 12 months maybe longer Ive been desperately lonely. That's even with kids, family and friends about. V V lonely. Doesn't help you but I finally been able to put my finger on something. There are others, not sure what, but that def one thing. Came to me wandering city over lunch break today.'

I wrote back and said through my response 'did my cards and letters make you less lonely'

His response -

"The cards and letters tell me things I already know. I know this has been the biggest kick in the guts for you. For that I'm terribly terribly sorry. But they have been making me feel v pressured. I know that's not your intention. But the smallest things atm feel like the world constantly on my shoulders. I'll call u when I can ok? I know what you mean by the cards etc but it still feels like pressure. Same as when DS screamed and didn't want me2 leave. Never did I feel so alone! But walking back inside I'd have crumbled! When i got back to the city R thought I looked suicidal. She was considering calling u she was so worried but i talked her out of it. I went and had a v hot bath and a beer and settled down a bit!'

And the finaly response -
"I'm a different person when Im with R for sure but she does ask me regularly if Im ok. She's always encouraging me to come c u guys and ring, so if I dont call or visit it's def not her putting pressure on me to stay away. Quite the opposite. I have really good days with R just like I do with u and kids. She really isn't the evil person every1 says. Like u, she gives me all the space I need when I need it (the opp of what he said above - note!) I think it's just easier in the city because I can just get up and go for a walk if I need 2 and I do need it quite a lot. HOpe this makes a bit of sense? I'll call when walking up to X from meeting."

So, I think I'd am going to have to get my Plan B letter written NOW ([censored] - I haven't got time!) and tonight, when he drops DD and DS off, hope that he stays for at least a few mins (last week he skipped through before I had a chance to talk to him) and I will tell him that I love him very very much, that I want to still be married to him - but he knows all of this, he has only to see that in my letters. But, for a while, I absolve him from all responsibilities - he can go away and 'think' and not feel pressured and I will do everything with the kids and not contact him unless it is an emergency.

I do think I need to do this v soon because, apart from the above messages I am starting to get so worn down I dont know how much longer I can handle it. He is obviously very very screwed up and until he goes to see an IC and sorts some of his issues out I dont think I can handle anything anymore.

I will quickly go to plan b site and see if I can adjust a letter from there...

Dearest M,

This is one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written. It is with sobbing tears that I sit here and put my thoughts and feelings to paper. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and to us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Let me explain.

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and my whirlwind of a life and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair to happen. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us.

I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs; especially when you were feeling so terribly alone. I can not sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships but I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving partner. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my husband.

We had many more good times over the past 15 years than bad times. From travelling all around Tasmania at exactly this time 10 years ago, to travelling all around the world, all the Christmases & Birthdays. Raising three beautiful children, and losing one, looking for a house, our first new car together. Struggling through all the bad financial times and always realizing that even though we didn't have a lot of money we had each other through it all to rely on. Being able to do all those things for you meant everything to me.

Since the 19th March and especially since that awful Thursday night at the soccer, I’ve been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you; to give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together. But the past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memory of the love we once shared, of all the good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to want to spend my life with you and thoughts of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings eroding away. Before I lose any more of these thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.

Darling M, I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honoured. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with R. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage together when you completely end your relationship with R.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. Whilst you try and sort out what is going through your head. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. If you have any emergency matters, you may call or email me.

I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with R. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and she are together. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from R and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.

In my mind I will keep the vision of a happy and loving family where our needs are being met and of a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! I still love you today; I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with R.

I love you so many ways. As my best friend, my boyfriend, my lover, my husband, my soulmate and the father of my children. I still love you today, As always.

I Love you , oooooo
Your loving wife,

U know what is sick? The fact that he writes you and the OW r treating him the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> What a line of croc.

IMHO, you give him his line and watch what he does with it. The OW will then begin to reel him in and his world of freedom will begin to crumble.

Your plan B efforts will show you don't want a WS in your life. You want your H back. The OW only wants a WS in her life, NOT your H. This means there is NO WAY u and the OW are alike. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

I know Orchid. It makes me sick to the stomach that he put us in the same sentence <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't know that I WILL give it to him tonight, I would like more feedback from wiser folk than I. I will see how it is tonight when he drops the kids off.

I may wait until Mother's Day....

At least Ive started drafting one now.

Oh, I really feel SICK you know.

Keep these points in mind:

1. Who r u writing the letter to? WS or H? Different characters require different letters. Don't mix up the 2. That sends a very confusing message.

2. What is your intent of the letter? To apologize? To let him know your boundaries? Don't send mixed messages.

NOTE: Some apology is legit but too much gives ammo to the enemy.

Recommendation, keep it short and sweet..... don't be over dramtic but don't spend 1/2 your letter telling him you love him and are sorry for causing the A.

1 or 2 sentences on that subject, a paragraph or 2 about how disappointed u r in his current choices and then a couple of paragraphs outlining your boundary with plan B instructions.

At first I started out with a looong letter. It got bashed on MB. LOL!! I started thinking and it took a while but later I realized, the REAL boundary was NOT to have the OW in MY LIFE. If that meant losing the WS....big deal. Didn't do well with a WS in my life anyways. Much rather have my H back. So if H wasn't coming back. WS wasn't that big of a loss.

Let me tell you, when that message hit the WS between the eyes.....he saw stars. LOL!!! Then he saw the light. OW showed her true colors and it was evil.

All the fog started to melt away. The OW shriveled up like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz.

My life went back into my control. The WS was still on the lose but was no longer my worry. I could look him in the eye and tell him to leave w/o guilt.

My mind and heart were in sync and there was no stopping me then and now. 1 boundary. That's all it took.

Best to write the letter, sit on it for a few days or so, then read it again and revise as needed. U will know when it is ready. Your clear mind and calm heart will allow to say what is needed and protect yourself from his hurtful babble.

IMHO,
L.

OHHH MYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I have gone DARK.

I had to do it. I had to.

He dropped the kids after dancing and then he shot through before I finished teaching. He msged me and said 'sorry, I just can't face you, ring me' So when I came in, I did. He said some things about how he was so upset putting the kids to bed cause they both asked when he was coming home and that they were missing him and that he couldn't stand to see me, he was too gutless.

So I said to him, could you please pull over the car, I need to read you something. He was in a tunnel at that point so said, I'll ring you back in 5.

I had 5 mins to compose myself. Not good - I was a blubbing mess.

I read him my letter........

By a quarter of the way through he was a blubbering mess.

At the end he's was saying 'oh no oh no oh no, Im so sorry, Oh Im so sorry'.

We just stayed on the phone. He said 'this battery is dying, I wont have hung up on you, Im not hanging up on you.'

He said 'so is this it, now, NOOOOOOOOOOO!'

I said 'this is it Mark, this has to be it, I can't continue this way, you see that don't you. You know Im not doing this to hurt you, that I love you.'

Finally, after about 20more minutes of us just sobbing to each other on the phone it cut out...

And you know what. As much as I was/am a mess and I rang my sister, my friend, my mum straight away and was blubbering etc.

I actually feel like a weigh has lifted off my shoulders.

For the FIRST TIME in 6 weeks I AM IN CONTROL OF MY FEELINGS.

I can't believe it, for the first time in 6 weeks I thought 'oh, i have to make a list of all the things I need to do tomorrow.'

My friend msged him to make sure that he got back to the city safely, because it was wrong of me to make him pull over to do it - and I was worried about the rest of his drive. He made it safely but not happy was his response to my friend.

So my friends here - you need to help me be strong.

He was very upset about the children, and I said to him 'DDONT U SEE THAT IS WHAT IT WOULD BE?? FORTNIGHTLY VISITATION ON WEEKEND? INVITATIONS TO BIRTHDAY PARTIES? THAT IS WHAT IT WILL BE IF THIS HAPPENS" and he was crying 'I know I know I know'

He kept saying "im so sorry, what have I done".

So now - to stay dark....and pray and pray and pray.

Wow, hon, wow! At least I'm not the only one who plunges precipitously into things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How gloriously dramatic, and I mean that in a good way. You may be assured that things are topsy turvy in A-land. Root is trying to comfort him, half annoyed but all pleased that now she finally has him to herself. Not knowing that the end is near.

Well, I was just going to recommend waiting a couple of days to think and make sure everything that might require contact was dealt with ahead of time. Since you cannot do that, I would recommend that you at least pick an intermediary from your own court. Maybe your sister?

For now, just be prepared for him to start calling texting, or whatever to test your boundaries. Be strong, and do not give in!!!

Better start reading fast about recovery, girl, because you don't have much time. Savor every moment of this break and save your strength.

Zuj, Do this Plan B right. Muster every bit of strength in your body and mind and resist the urge to call him or to respond to his calls. Let the kids answer the phone to their daddy; if they are not there ignore it. You must NOT let him back in the house now without your boundaries firmly set in place, otherwise you will begin the hokeykokey of him being in/out/in/out. I've seen it here too many times and it achieves nothing.

I pray this is the kick up the [censored] he needs. He is so needy of you. When he does come back, trust is the big issue. I strongly recommend that you have full access to his mobile phone. My WH used to hide his or delete the call history. When M has nothing to be ashamed of, he won't mind you checking up on him. If he objects, he is still in contact.

Remember, he has to earn your trust. In the meantime, sort out your finances. For a short while, he might think it is cool that he gets to play with OW instead of having his parental duties, but his life will soon seem shallow and pointless without you. Be mysterious and do not be at his beck and call. Let him wonder what Zuj is up to. He's missing you already.

Everytime you feel like calling/texting, post here or call your family for support. Good luck . TT

You just took one huge step towards saving your marriage!

I didn't know of MB 4 years ago, but my IC told me to become "unavailable". Take away the family life. So, I took his housekey & checkbook from him. I started doing his chores, mowing the lawn, picking up dog p<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />p, taking the boys for haircuts...We weren't home when he called. We were at the park, visiting friends, or going for ice cream.

When he found out I took the boys fishing he was soooo hurt! Oh, well!

I decided to do all this after he called one night to cancel a ballgame with the boys. He said he was tired & staying in. I took the boys for ice cream and on the way home, we passed a tattoo parlor. There HE was with his hoochie mama standing on the front steps! I pulled into the parking lot & made quite a scene. I kicked a big ol' dent in his truck & called her some choice names.

I was so ashamed of myself acting that way in front of my sons. I couldn't take the drama anymore. That's when my IC told me to get away from it.

It took him about 3 weeks after that. He showed up at our doorstep at 11:00pm one night crying. He asked if he could come home. We talked all night long. He has been the best H & father since. I have access to his emails & voicemails. I know where he is at all times.

See? IT DOES WORK!!!

Hang in there!

Tatertot

Well, this morning I woke up without the churning in my chest.

It has come back a few times during the day - but nothing like it has been the past few weeks.

My sis talked to me this morning and said how much stronger I sounded, so I pray that I can continue that feeling.

I even left the ph out charging all night - not next to my bed. The first time in 6 weeks I reckon! Sure it ws the first thing i checked this morning, and there was a msg - but it was from my sister.

I wish I could go totally dark and take the kids away for a week. But I can't take DD out of school, or DS out of preschool. I have plenty of sick days, i could have the time off. Perhaps I will need to do this in a week or so if it's getting really hard not to contact him.

In the scheme of things, a week out of school and a holiday is much better for the kids then what our lives could become.

Neak, I will speak to my sis about being an intermediary. She already said last night that she could be one of the 'drop off's'

One thing that DOES worry me now, is that if/when he does take the kids out - root will be with him. That is something I am not happy about, but it probably will happen. I am sure that he wouldn't DARE 'do' anything in front of the kids - but still - the fact that she is there....

Mind you - as has been said before - a full day with the 3 of them might be just what she needs! LOL *eg*

Got stuff done this morning that has needed to be done for the past few weeks but I just haven't been up to it. THe house is a pigsty and Im not up to facing IT today, but give me a couple of days and hopefully that will start sorting itself out too.

Mothers Day will be hard...

Thankyou for your support. It means so much to me. I hope hope hope that it is the shock he needs. What i didn't post last night, was too exhausted and couldnt remember everything was what lead me to finally do it.

Well, there were the points that I said above, about the letters/cards making him feel pressured, about the kids saying goodnight made him pressured,about him being a diff person when he's with root. But the final straw, was when I rang him, sobbing on the phone after he had left and he said he couldn't come home to hug me because it would be worse when he left. And then when I said 'Dont u see you MUST see an IC' and he said 'sometimes yes sometimes no'. WEll - I have learnt in the last 6 weeks that that response means 'no'.

So that was the straw that broke the camels back. That was when I said to him, in a very ragged voice, 'M, I need you to pull over.'

And that is one of my stipulations, not just the total cut off of root but that he must be in counselling, he is very f^>ked up and there is no way he can deal anywhere atm.

Yeah, so, anyway. We'll take a day at a time I guess, but I DO feel stronger, I do. And I hope I have the 'happy' ending of my complete family. I don't think I'll be lucky enough as Nkay and Tatertot that it will only be a few weeks. I think it will be longer than that.

But then again - who knows.

Neak - where do I start reading up on recovery strategies?



Hugs

Quick post, on my way out the door.

How An Affair Should End - Dr. Harley

Restoration

Resentment

Recovery

There are more, but that will give you the basics. Your library may have a copy of Surviving An Affair, which is also good. I'm sure it's other places, too, but in my thread talking about after PBL #2, there is my elongated list of boundaries and extraordinary precautions.

Your WH may be stubborn for a while, but right now he is filled with doubt and wishing he was home safe and not in the middle of this mess that he made.

Glad you are feeling better.

Zuj,

You may be surprised as I was about how quickly it ends with NC. I truly thought my M was over and was trying to sort out my thoughts about moving forward alone when he called and I could feel that he was faltering. That's when I told him how I felt and let him know I wasn't happy about it but I would survive without him.

Believe me, Root will now get a taste of how you felt. She was getting all the sex while you get all the depression and woe is me talk. Both of them existed together with no responsibility. Well, now she can deal with his depression and face the feeling of responsibility for separating a man from his wife and children. The A will no longer be as much fun.

Poor WH - he feels so bad; he feels pressured; he can't handle it. Well, how does he think you feel? Responsibility is a part of life. Especially when you have 3 children. I would not lie for him to your children any longer. Obviously, they can't know all the facts but they are in the same boat as you were. On pins and needles waiting for him to come home. The uncertainty can't be good for them. Maybe if they know he isn't coming home for awhile, they will adjust and will feel a load lifted off their chest as well. As long as they continue to see him and have the stability of you and their home, they will be fine. However, Jus, I am no counselor so please check with the experts. This is just my opinion.

I still think this is encouraging because he sounds devastated to lose contact with you. This should speed up the end of the A.

I agree with Orchid - stay dark - fight the urge to call him or answer his TM; the urge will be overwhelming.

Keep the faith. It will pay off in the end.

God bless you,

Nkay

Yes, tell your children very simply what is wrong. They probably think it is their fault, even if you have said it isn't.

Thankyou Nkay and Neak.

DS heard the front door today when he was playing on the computer, i had put some rubbish out and he called out 'daddy is that you' I said 'no, it's me' he said 'where's daddy' I said 'at work, but he wont be home anymore, for a while'

It hurt to say it.

Then my friend rang me to say that WH msged her today to ask her to be the intermediary. He said something along the lines of 'I need to know about money to live off and when I can see my babies'.

So since then (3 hours ago) I have felt like [censored] again.

And it hasn't even been 24 hours yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This is going to be so horribly hard <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Nkay - the urge is already overwhelming. I know I can't but I want to so badly.