I just came REALLY close to ringing him.

DS4 is v v v sad this afternoon. And he just keeps saying 'I want my daddy, I want Daddy, I dont want daddy to be at work anymore.'

It just breaks my heart.

ITS NOT FAIR

I am feeling V lonely and needy atm.

Its Friday afternoon on a grey ole day and for some reason (no doubt to do with the above post and the fact that DD7 was in foul mood when she got home from school and dd20months is being a pain in the neck atm) I am just feeling really really really needy and really really missing him.

And I know he will just go out and get sh!tfaced tonight and try to forget about us here.

Pity party here at home.

I think Im also down cause I read peachblossoms thread about how she has been plan b since xmas. OMG - that is 5 months - OMG - I dont know how to do that. I dont want to even IMAGINE that I will still be doing this 5 months down the track.

I know everyone sitches are different but I just keep thinking that everything happened so quickly with my WH. He only met the OW a few weeks before he started sleeping with her, he told me he wanted a 'trial separation' a few weeks after sleeping with her and now he has been living with her for 6 weeks. Although still coming home a little bit.

But it all feels so useless atm. I am back in the state of shock that I was when it all began, I just can't believe this has happened to us. Our 'happy' family is gone, immediate family and extended family. its all so sad.

My darling son is sitting on my knee at this very moment telling me how much he loves me. And I know he wants to tell his daddy that too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think Im so down because this will be the first weekend that we won't see him. I know it will be hard on him too - but to know that last Friday night I was meeting him in the city and thinking 'maybe' things were starting to get through the fog, to now - being in plan b - it's such a change.

Ok - Im sorry for the pity party....

It pained me to no end as well, to see the childrens pain and there was nothing i could do about it. My children are older and by now they have detached themselves from their father and it will be a tough road for him to reconnect with the kids, should he ever come back.

For smaller kids this is much harder, they dont understand, they just want it back how it was. I have tried to get my husband to be there more for the kids, when they were in deep pain over their father, it didnt do anything. We ended up in a huge argument, he said he would be with them more, if he could bring OW along with him. ~rolls eyes~ and it was because i am here, that he cant. So it was my fault...

I quit trying to make him see the light about his kids then, i tried to keep the kids positve about their dad, they have talked to him about their feelings over the past months, once he said it was me putting it all in their heads. But it was their feelings, i didnt say anything, if anything i tried to make excuses for WH to the kids, so they would be understanding and patient. By now they have shut down, there was and is nothing i can do about that.

Only he can change that. It hurt like ****** to see the kids suffer through all of this. The only thing we can do is be there for them.

Thanks EOTR. I just needed to know I wasn't alone here.

It's so awful that we are the ones that bare the brunt of their pain as well and the WH doesn't see it.

He told me he feels 'pressured' when the children say how they miss him. Well mate - they are YOUR CHILDREN - YOUR PRECIOUS BABIES.

Hugs

My daughter told him once (she is 15), dad you can have OW for the rest of your life. You will only have us for a few more years (her brother will be 18 this year and is already planning on moving together with his gf then). He reacted angry at this... then she told him, you are choosing her over us, and she was crying at the time.

His reaction was just anger, and then promises that he will spend more time with her, which of course never happened, as a matter of fact, he hardly ever shows up anymore, blames his health for it, saying when he feels better he will come by more. That was months ago, once he gets over one thing healthwise, then its another thing.

So they have given up, its very sad. One day our Husbands will wake up, and it will hurt them very badly to face their children.

Yep, they are his children... children that he claims he loves so much, actions speak louder than words.

The kids are really the ones that are in the middle of all of this, but then a WS only sees their own feelings and they should be understood and validated... even from their children. I used to get angry inside from all of this, now i just feel sadness.. for the kids and him as well.. when he wakes up. I know it will tear him apart...

Yep - I know. My WH says in texts to our intermediary about how he has to work out when he can see his babies. But one of the reasons I went Plan B was because he said about how 'pressured' he feels when the kids ask him when he is coming home and how much they miss him.

Well he can't have both - can he!

And he tells me last week that 'yes he wants to come home' but 'no he doesn't want to come home'

GRRRR - Bloody wake up and see what you are losing!!!!!!!

well, i have been in both shoes WS (online EA) and BS now, and i didnt wake up until i was faced with loosing it all. And from where i stand now, i have lost it all, but i am making amends with my children, i never left them behind, but i did neglect them when i was in my EA. And that alone was very painful to face, i have had many talks with my children and i know it will take time to heal the feeling of emotional neglect that they had.

My husband hasnt said in a long time that he wants to come home or not, i just get an "i dont know yet" or "i dont know what the future brings" out of him. So i am letting go completely, as soon as he gets me those planetickets to get out of here, not sure if he is stalling or if he really is in that deep of a money bind. He said a month last time we talked... well.. been about 1 1/2 weeks. Guess i'll see.

I read somewhere it sometimes takes a crises to get them out of their crises. I guess that would be that wake-up call. Praying for you that it hits him hard very soon.

From what you been writing, it seems to eat at him already, but it has to really sink in... really hit him square in the face, then he has a decision to make.. a permanent one.

I get the 'I dont know yet' and the 'Im taking it one day at a time' as well. But last week, on our anniversary he did say 'YES, I DO want to come home, but I just can't.'

So who the F knows!!

I hope, like you, he wakes up when he realises just how much is at stake. It sounded like it when i was reading out my letter to him, his reaction etc.

But - back into the fog...... or maybe not.....

dunno dunno dunno.

He certainly IS in a crisis, and yes, I know it IS eating at him - but then again - so is she, and she's covered in chocolate! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Keep that WS off balanced. That is what is good for you and your H.

L.

Zuj - just a quickie as I've got to go out.

My WH NEVER called the children once he left. It made him feel bad and guilty so it was easier to pretend they didn't exist. He has permanently damaged his relationship with them - they don't hug and kiss him anymore and really don't talk much together. Your kids are younger so that shouldn;t be a problem. I'm not sure how Plan B works with the children - perhaps they should be allowed to call him each evening before they go to bed?? Or vice versa. Doesn't mean you have to talk to him.

The things in life that matter the most really pale into insignificance when people have affairs. I suppose if it didn't happen that way, they wouldn't be able to detach so easily. Does M not realise that the fact he feels so torn and troubled by all of this is because it is WRONG. Simple.

If I lived near you, I'd pop over with a bottle of wine and watch a stupid movie! My brother is in Sydney at the moment. Did I tell you that already? Must go. TT

TT - Hugs! Would love the wine and movie! and the company! LOL!

M has not rung the kids since he left either. There was that time that I said 'I will get the kids to ring you before they go to bed' he did that night - but that is the only night in this whole long damn time that he did it.

Hope your brother is enjoying Sydney - no doubt he'll go up to the X as it's one of the touristy spots to visit! He might see WH there wallowing in a pub! LOL!

Actually tomorrow night is the FA cup final, isn't it? WH will def be in a pub tomorrow night - I was supposed to be there with him..

It is so sad that your chn dont have that relationship with their dad. So v v sad.

Yep Orchid - I know...

Just gotta stay strong to do it!

Gotta gotta gotta

Dear zuj,
I don't know you but I've been reading your post and lurking.
I'm so sorry. It's so bloody hard. I have found though that there is a wierd sense of peace and calm once WH has gone. (Interspersed with manic house cleaning as well) but nevertheless, that knot in the stomach, awful churning feeling goes.
Is it the same with you? Obviously I can make that awful feeling come back, I just need to start thinking about WH and OW together
- a bit like picking an old wound to see if it still hurts -
but it is easier without him. At least I can half relax.
The kid stuff is heartbreaking. I'm sure that some of the stuff WH's do with regards to "ignoring" kids is mixed up with guilt, and fear of really facing what they have done. If they don't have to see it, then they don't have to face it.
Keep going, you are doing really well. Your friends sound great, coming round to support you when you're on the verge of calling him. Please try not to call. Remember that every tiny crumb you give him, (calling, emailing, touching, whatever) fills in the gaps that OW can't and therefore prolongs the whole A sitch as he is "full up" with attention from both of you. He will only be able to see how flawed and holey the A is with OW when she is all that he has. She will dig her own grave, he will fall into it and then if he has any guts will crawl home to you.
Kate xxx

Zuj,
Just gone back and read some more.
Dartmouth? I'm from England and Dartmouth is the arsehole end of the earth.
All it has is a tunnel (under the Thames) a bridge and a lot of shaven headed men and women who wear white stiletoes and shop, constantly.
Just thought you might like to know the true calibre of the OW!
TT - I thought you were from Pimlico? I just read that you are in Hong Kong. Relocation?

Hi Kate,

I'm a PS teacher too!

I can't believe your WH has started again, a year after - what a horrible thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You are right about the fact that the churning lessens - I wish that them manic house cleaning would happen here!!! Mine is VERY half hearted house cleaning! LOL!

Not at all surprised to hear what kind of area Root comes from! Explains why she settled where she did in Sydney too. My WH (was) a truly decent man, he won't go for that kind of person for long - once she shows her true colours.

The churning for me isn't in my stomach (although I often dont want to eat, but that is slowly coming back too). Mine is in my chest - right under my sternum. And it is like a knot, like a mini tornado going round and round and round.

And yes - just writing about the thought of him with her brings back that churning.

I am very very lucky that I am the kind of person who CAN talk to people, hence the reason that I have survived this well, so far. Hence the reason he FELL to start with I would say - cause he CAN"T talk to anyone.

My concern is that he WON'T have the guts to crawl out of the grave she digs for him when he falls in it with her.

Thanks so much for writing to me. It helps to know that others understand, even if you wish with all your heart that no-one else was in the same sitch.

HUGS.

zuj

PS - I really like your tag line, It is so true for many situations. This one EXACTLY but also I felt like that when my first child was stillborn. Each pregnancy after that I felt that I had lost my innocence and couldn't enjoy the pregnancy.

Geez, how much crap can one person have in a life?
(I'm referring to your horrible stillbirth experience)
(((((((((((zuj))))))))))
With regards to the gravedigging and crawling.
WHEN your WH finally sees the OW for all that she is (and by that I mean isn't) he will be exhausted and very very disillusioned.
It could be the exhaustion and virtual breakdown state that he is in, followed by depression, that could stop him from coming home. I think that this horrible realisation is what Pep refers to as "not protecting the WS from the consequences of their choices", or something like that.
He needs to feel really bad because it will be the first true and honest feelings he has had for months. The realisation of this truth will knock him sideways. The emotions that he thinks he feels in the midst of the "triangle" that he has with you and stilleto lady are all based on fantasy and extremes. Nothing genuine.
Have you had the "I've never felt so alive," line yet. Naturally I followed it uop with, "and I've never felt so dead." But this "aliveness" and energy that WS "feel",is pure adrenaline and when that runs out, they hit a wall of exhaustion, depression, disillusionment and pain.
I think what you (and I) have to work out is how do we take them back and reassure at the same time as not proteceting them from that pain? They need to feel it. Not from us moralising or chastising, but from themselves.

On another issue, my best mate came over for few glasses the other night and told me a simple thing that I had never thought of before. A light bulb came on for me.
She said, "The things that we like, may not always be the things that make us happy".
A quick analogy is, I like T.V. But if I watch a whole evening's worth, I go to bed feeling a bit emopty and like I've wasted a night. It doesn't make me happy.
I like my WH (somehow) but does he make me happy? Hmmmm.
Think on.
Back to work...(kids are being covered in class and I'm supposed to be planning)
Kate xxx

Zuj,

The weekends are the worst but keep yourself busy. I got my SS (18) to help me organize the yard - something I had been after WH to do for months! It gave me a great feeling of accomplishment. I also went to church with my parents. It helped a lot. You have small ones so keeping busy won't be hard for you. My SS worked so I was very often alone on weekends. Urge to call WH was unbearable. Workweek was easier as I was busy.

I believe he is rethinking his decision and I don't think he will have a problem crawling back after he sees the light. You have made it clear that the door is open and that you love him. It is the separations that end in anger that make it hard to come back. Hang in there. I agree that OW will hang herself. They are not able to meet all needs - if they were, WH would not be conflicted. Once she is all he has, he will see her shortcomings. It is natural that he will then compare OW to you. You will win.

Hang in there! Time to get ready for work....my day is just starting here in Florida.

Nkay

Have a great day Nkay! Always wanted to go to Disneyland (thats the one in Florida isn't it?!)

Im just off to bed. DD7 is watching 'skating with the stars!' but I told her if Im going to bed - she is too! lol!

We're spending the afternoon with MIL tomorrow. I can't see her Mothers Day, it will be too hard - but the children should see her, and so tomorrow we will go over and do it.

Sunday, I'll spend with my parents and my nanna.

Hugs Nkay

x0

Kate - I am from Pimlico but moved here in 1989. Back briefly in Battersea for 10 months in 98 while my WH was in Vietnam (construction) and then back to HK until now. 95-97 I was in Kuala Lumpur. Sounds exotic but very ordinary really - school, kids, work, affairs!

Zuj - my husband can't communicate either and I do all the talking. We'll also be watching the FA Cup final. Come on you Reds. TT Just had a thought - get a babysitter, get to the pub and watch it without him. I bet you could get a friend to go with you. Don't miss out on the fun just because he's 'troubled'.

Be your own entertainment director. Pretend you are on a vacation. Think of all the fun (and free) things that you like to do, but never had time because you had to be there for your H. You have time, so do them.

Take the kids for walks. Get involved in a fun church project. Even think of something you can all do for someone else, like help out in a shelter or visit a nursing home. It will be helpful for all of you to reach out in some way to someone else who is lonely or sad, and give you a few moments to think of someone else's troubles than your own.

At least over here, some of the churches even have day camp during the summer, and you could ask if your children could attend for free on days you are able to help out. Then there is Vacation Bible School, library activities, and lots more.

I don't know your schedule, and I'm sure you are busy already, but if you look to fill your mope time with something different, you will find lots of options to keep your mind occupied.

Brainstorm all you want!