TT - Hey, I could just grab the baby sitters, hop on a plane and come watch it with you 'liverpool liverpool liverpool.'

Got a busy afternoon planned this arvo, only the morning that will be slow - so therefore painful. I had this 'feeling' that WH would text or ring last night - but the feeling didn't eventuate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Not that I would have answered - but would have liked to have known he was suffering! lol!

Will see my friend in an hour who is the intermediary, so I guess she'll tell me if she's heard anything from him at all in the past 24hours.

Neak - my life used to be very very very full - I think that was part of the problem. The past 6 weeks Ive cut all of that stuff in an effort to show my WH that we can have time together as a family. Unfortunately it was too late. I do have a phone call to return from a lady who would like some highland dancers for some old persons 105th birthday at the end of May!! WOW!

So I will give her a ring today and organise that.

But for the moment, have sent Boy off to dancing with his Poppa, the girls are playing in the lounge room, so Im gonna make a cuppa tea, go back into bed and catch up on my journal. I dont start teaching until 9.30 today, and Ive only got the babies class.

5.30am DS4 crawled into bed with me after wetting his bed. 'Mummy, I miss Daddy'

7.00am DD20months starts calling out from her room 'mamma mamma mamma' and when I didn't answer changed it to 'dadda dadda dadda'

9.30am DD7 said whilst watching cartoons 'Mummy, I just want daddy to come home'

A day in the life....

Zuj,

Your story sounds so much like mine. I was also too busy which opened the door for this A. I have tried to be more available. Tonight I was late getting home and H was a little annoyed. Won't come out and say it - just acts all mopey and injured! I have offered to quit and be a stay home wife but he likes the second income.

I am sorry that your children must suffer so. My son was almost grown so he was upset but understood more of what was going on. He became angry with his father. I just don't understand how a parent can put the children aside. Thank God the kids have you. It is so important that they have a stable life (as much as possible with one parent off pretending to be young again)

I do think that what your WH and my recovering WH have in common is that they are trying to relive their youth. Responsibility isn't as much fun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If they only realized that you can have fun and stay young at heart and still live up to your family responsibility. When we are all on our deathbed, no one will remember all the fun times in the pub - they will remember the loving times they shared with their families.

Well, I will climb off my soapbox - it is getting late here. H is already asleep. Tonight was our date night but alas the date ended early.

Hope you have a full and exciting weekend making memories with your children that will keep you through this crisis.

Hugs to you!

Nkay

Well today was a day of revelations...

Firstly my friend S came over this morning. She has been getting pretty constant texts from WH, at least 2 a day and they have NOT been just about kids and finances. Things like 'Tell J i want to text her a dozen times a day about silly things and not so silly things. I miss the litle 1s so much too.'

Well today she wrote back (with my permission) and said 'Ive just spoken with J, you can ring the kids anytime, they miss you terribly. Please remember that I am only here to pass on msgs about finances and children until you sort yourself out.'

He wrote back and said 'I thought I was only writing to you about finances and children ' (omg - go back and look in your sent folder mate!!)

So - I was pretty stirred up about that cause 5 mins later the home ph rang and it was his number so DD7 answered and she really didnt want to talk to him, was crying on the phone and then said 'I'll put mummy on' and I said 'no' and she said 'oh, mummy said no, ok bye' and hung up!

So - my churning was back because I could hear his voice (she had it on speaker phone)

Then - I went to the dance out display that my studio was doing and we picked up my MIL so the kids could see her and spend some time with her (cause we wont see her tomorrow). And she said that something has been eating away at her for weeks, and she finally has to tell me.......

When I went to NZ on the 7.8.9 April (so one wk after D day) I asked MIL to go to the soccer with WH and the 2 younger children (DD7 was with me) and then to the preschool easter concert. Well, APPARENTLY after picking up MIL he headed to the city and picked up ROOT!!!!!!!!!!!

MIL said she was sick. She couldn't talk to her, as soon as she got to the soccer she took the kids away to the swings and wouldnt come back. At half time she came back and M said to her (very sarcastically) 'well mum, you did it, she's caught the train home.Well done'

So THAT is why he isn't talking to his mother. And that explains about HOW bad his mum has been feeling. She said she couldnt' believe her SON could possibly do that - to have HER there in the car with his mother and children, as if it was ok.


And then, apparently he said to his brother 'i just wanted mum to meet her'

And he still expects his mother to apologise TO HIM! And now he's not talking to his BROTHER!! OMG! d!ckhead!

NOw - when she told me this she was so worried Id be angry at her. I wasn't - I was just sick. It was like D day all over again

Thankfully it was a good time for her to tell me because I had alot of responsibility this afternoon and had to keep my mind busy. But omg - I feel so sick that he DARED to do that.

I know that it is over a month ago and it was RIGHT when he was fully fully fully fully fully in the fog, but still... after hearing his voice on the ph this morning...

just made it worse.

I see now why Plan B is soo good - you do work up strength - but then the littlist thing kicks up back down again.

Going up to mum and dads for dinner now.

Just had to get all this out!

OMG Zuj! I'm so sorry you are dealing w/this. That must've been so hard to find out. He truly is an alien, isn't he? Your poor MIL, too. How could he put her in that situation?

I got some revelations after asking for more details last night too and now can't sleep (it's 5am here). You are in my prayers. Please take good care.

(((((((((((((((((((((Zuj))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Well Z, it appears your plan B is working. Keep it up and stay in plan B. Seems he can't tell the difference between whining and Finances/children. Hmm..... 1 day he w/b shocked to know how 'silly' he appeared to all. 'Til then, u remain strong and steadfast.

Sorry your MIL and BIL are having such a hard time also. Just reinforces the fact u all need t/b each others support.

All of you pray for that clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. U r doing good. Quite proud of you.

take care,
L.

He msged S tonight asking what I was going to do about my car (we were talking about selling it because the repayments are so much and petrol costs so much atm and buying a littler/cheaper one). He said 'ask J does she just want my car (11 years old - reconditioned motor) I know what bike I wanna buy and need to know how we're going to do it all.'
Now - we were never going to get rid of his car, how would he be able to take 3 kids out on a bike for goodness sake.
Alien is obviously back again today in full force. I can only imagine that today he has driven around to bike shops and looked at bikes.

He doesn't even HAVE his bike licence yet.

I am NOT in a good mood.

But ORchid I thankyou for your support - I dont know sometimes if it's just what he wants though. One msg today or yesterday said to S 'im trying v v hard to respect Js wishes' How about RESPECT ME and WAKE UP!!!

And 24give. Im sorry sorry you too have had revelations <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> 5am seems to be my daily wake up time these days - problem is Im so miserable I just lie in bed staring at ceiling feeling sorry for myself. Wish I could USE that time productively and clean the house or do yoga or something! LOL!

I think Im scared about tomorrow. i was thinking it would be good to go to my Nans, she has been so wonderful (she got my mum to buy me all these groceries the other day cause she felt bad she wasn't able to help with the kids etc). But my cousins and aunts/uncles will no doubt be there at sometime during the day, and not all of them know and i KNOW they will ask where WH is - and I will just blurt it out - I know it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I just read this over on eav's thread and it so sums up my WH - don't ya reckon....

;;;;; ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love.

You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate--someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own--is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your fife, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born--any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up.


The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.


Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads--at least for a while.

U see how much the selfishness reigns in the pants of a WS? They think with their azzes, u know. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Stay strong!

L.

You never know - he might also be pricing 3-seater side cars. Now isn't that a picture! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I really suggest not letting your kids put it on speaker phone. Also, if you can try to have them call him most days before he calls them, hopefully he won't call as much. Or maybe he will, who knows, but he at least won't have an excuse.

Also, as soon as you are able, talk more with your MIL and tell her how wonderful she is for what she did, and reassure her that when her son regains his senses he will see things differently.

That was hard to hear, but it has a happy side, too. Think of the mistress, huffy and in tears, headed back to the city alone because of the marked rejection by the woman she most wants to impress, a woman who loves YOU!

While you're at it, tell her about the chocolate if you have not already done so. It will make her feel worse in one way, that her son could be taken in like that, but it will also confirm her keen judgment that this woman is not a proper person to be around her or the children. Your MIL sounds like a great lady!

Zuj - that piece about "Romantic Infidelity" is absolutely spot on. It comes from a book by Frank Pitman (I think) and the rest is just as fascinating. Someone posted it about two years ago when I was new to this sight. Totally sums up my WH and yours - the MIL saga is classic. How dare he expect her to accept OW one week after Dday. HUTAS. TT

Guess what - he msged! As I knew he would...

"I know I said I wouldn't contact you at all and give u some space but I just wanted to wish you a happy mothers day, ok? S assured me that she would help make it a lil bit special. Liverpool won last night. Ive been v v naughty! I went on a massive bender just stumbling home now! Mustve had close to 25 Guiness. You'd think was because Liverpool won! I was written off before game started! Watched the sun come up at the quay and it was very unspectactular. I do recognise I got a problem. When DD cried on ph 2 me yest that's why I drank so much! DIdn't hlep but needed something.Hope S said how much I missed them! I'll leave u alone and go back thru Sally but had2 send u something today, sorry! M"

Well THANKS VERY MUCH MATE. NOw is that HUTAS at its most extreme?

I KNEW he'd write today, I just knew it.Idiot doesn't realise that it makes it even worse being today~!!

My mum and sister bought be lovely pres for Mothers Day to give me from the kids and my DD made me a gorg keyring at school which i very excitedly put on my keys! LOL!

The kids have been v upset about WH today. GRRRR

LOL NEak = yes, can just picture that lonnnnggg side car, with the baby seat strapped in! LOL

I know MIL will bring it up again, she was so cut up about it, yes I am v v lucky to have such supportive inlaws. I will make sure I thank her again for telling me, she knows about pictures, I dont remember if I told her about the chocolate one, because it disgusted me so.

My BIL and family will be there today, so I might ring in an hour or so, that way I can talk to them all and wish them a happy mothers day.

The speaker phone thing is tricky. Because they are always talking to my Sis in Germany they automatically put the speaker phone on the handset and walk around with it like a 'walkie-talkie' which is why she did it yesterday when speaking to her father. I did try to leave the room, because i couldn't cope with hearing his voice, but she was following me.

Do you really think I SHOULD let the kids ring him first? They dont ask to ring him, they just say they miss him. I think he will be too gutless to ring again for a while, cause it 'cut him so, to hear DD cry' oh - poor him. Not poor 7 year old he is destroying.

Now cause he wasn't stumbling home until 9.30 in the morning he will sleep all day and not have to think of what we are doing without him.

Don't forget the 3 little helmets. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just keep ignoring him like I know you did. La la la, you're not listening!

Maybe have the kids call him every other day, or sometimes every 2 days. That way it's not all the time, but they still get to keep in touch with him. What I like about having them call is you can mentally prepare for it, as opposed to you being in the middle of doing happy things and the phone rings so you tense because you're not sure if it is him and then ohno-ohno-ohno it is so you've got to grab a kid really quick and put them on and then run away and hide so you don't have to listen, and and and.....

Just try and circumvent the whole thing as much as possible.

I would not want to be in the Chocolate Woman's shoes right now, for reasons besides just them being sticky.

i found it amazing that even in that mothers day message he wrote more about himself than anything else... just goes to show that it is all about him. And maybe when he stops drinking like crazy and starts to think instead, he might actually stumble across his problem and tries to deal with it instead of drowning it out. But it will keep coming back every time he sobers up, one day even a fogged out WH might realize that.

Happy mothers day Zuj, enjoy the day with your children as much as you can.

And keep sticking to no contact, that will force him to confront his problem over and over, and no Guiness is gonna solve it for him, he'll get it.. no worries. Be strong

just spoke to my other friend, that he msged the other night (the one that didnt know I'd done plan b).

Sure enough, he msged her last night at 2am, in his drunken state.

She didnt respond. She thought 'nup, Im not gonna msg him everytime he's p!ssed and depressed'. He said in his msg 'sorry to msg you, just so depressed, Im down at a pub trying to watch the FA cup but had to walk out I feel so bad and could you please tell j happy mothers day for sunday'.

Gawd.......

She did say she fully intended on msging him today and telling him that she didnt like to hear from him only when he's drinking, and that if he's feeling that depressed she hopes he's still on his ADs and that if that is the case, he shouldn't be drinking. Also, she says she's gonna tell him that she wasn't going to spoil the mothers day I was having by passing on his msg to me!

EOTR - I know - it is ALL ABOUT HIM!! I too thought that when i read the msg!

And yes, Neak, I see what you mean about the kids ringing. It will be hard to do though, cause, as I said, they really dont want to talk to him when it comes to the crunch.

Im going out for dinner now with my mum, dad and nanna. It's a bit chilly here tonight - gotta get the kids rugged up.

Happy Mothers Day to all your NOrthern Hemisphere people!!

Zuj,I think he is piling on the 'depression' thing. Doesn't want you to think he could possibly be enjoying any element of this. Which is a load of crap, because if he didn't get some kind of high from all of this, he'd already be home (IMO).

Also, the drink. That amount of guinness would render most people drunk and disorderly, yet he can still send a coherrent text message. He's either trying to blame a lot of his behaviour on the drink (because a stone cold sobre man would not behave like this) or he is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is an expensive and dangerous habit. If he can really put away vast quantities of booze, a condition of returning home should be to get help. All that booze and AD's is a bad combo.

I think you really need to get your finances in order. The car business, the bike and all this drinking will start to drain your bank account (plus the little trip he needs to sort out his head). The very last thing you need right now is more worry about money on top of everything else.

Yea - LIVERPOOOOOOOL! (Not that I saw it, I was in casualty with my daughter for stitches in her finger).

I also think he's got a cheek texting a friend at that time of the morning. She'll get p'ed off being the go between if he does that too often (although she could turn off her phone!) I don't know - maybe she doesn't mind but it's a bit naughty.

I agree TT that it's partially an act. Hoping it may be H's head sticking out of the fog for a few hours last night?

Maybe??? He told my friend in the msg that he'd downed 12 guiness at that point - but could send a coherent text. Lucky my friend doesn't mind the 2am texts - but she is not impressed she always gets pissed ones! LOL!

Also - bank account today tells me he withdrew $60, well, that's not that much for a 'bender'

And re the alcholicism - well he certainly wasnt 6 weeks ago - we were both only social drinkers. I dont know if you can become one that quickly?

OMG about your daughter - is she ok?

OH - also - just noticed a text on my phone.

Remember his friend, H? The one who is also in MC with his wife (he is also my DD7 Godfather)

I think that WH has 'asked' H to 'check up' on me for today..

Anyway - I get a text from him just now. Before I write it, let me just say that H is disgusted with WH behaviour, but H is also the sort of person who doesn't really 'express' his feelings. Ive heard from him only when Ive written to him first throughout this ordeal. He is someone who WH saw as a rolemodel and has been WHs friend since highschool. But, WH is alienating all of his friends atm, whether he realises it or not....

This is the text....

"howdy. Happy mothers day to ya. Did the kids spoil you? Just checking up on ya to see how you're doing. Take care."

As Ive said - as much as I LIKE H, and trust him as a good friend, I just can't believe he would, at 8.30pm, send this message WITHOUT having received something from M today.

What do my oh so clever friends out there in MB land think?

Should I a) answer him tomorrow with a 'im fine, lovely day?' (even though it's BS)

or

'Weird MDay with no M at home, hopefully next year back to normal'

or

"did M ask u to check up on me?'

Or

should I send my sister up to his desk at work tomorrow (as they work in the same office) and get her to explain to him that I am 'dark' atm, but that I appreciate his text and thoughts??


Or
Should I just ignore it all together, which is a little rude, especially if I am just being paranoid (which I dont think I am btw!)

Ok - am off to bed now. Soooo please HELP!!! LOL