I recently discovered for sure that my husband had had an affair some years ago. I had suspected that was the case but had no proof except my instinct. he travels away from home alot so i could do little about it. recently, when he canme home i found evidence of extra marital activity!!

At first he denied it but i was calm and talked about needs etc and told him that i blamed us both for neglecting each other. he seemed contrite. he admitted having an affair for a number of years some time ago but that it was well over - he said that the decision to end was mutual but i feel that she dumped him - while he was travelling - he said it helped him, he needed 'comfort' while he was away from home but generally these things meant nothing. of course the long relationship that he walked away from meant that he finally decided that i was the one for him.

so why these other 'flings' that mean nothing?he says they are simply for comfort.What about my needs for comfort? what about the fact that i keep the home fires burning? what about all the things i do to keep our children on a steady path?My youngest sensed my unhappiness about a year ago and i said i was unhappy with daddy being away from us so much and he asked me not to leave daddy cos it would be awful. My oldest thinks i should leave daddy cos he hardly knows us or participates in our lives anyway.

I feel so alone , so hurt - i KNOW I would just leave him if it were not for the children. I dont see how we can rebuild any sense of trust for as long as he travels 70% of the time. He rarely texts or emails - in fact he only does so in response to my texts and emails. He SAYS he loves me and doesnt want to separate - of course not - he has unprotected sex with me when he s home. He says he 'mostly' protects himself while he's away but not always.

I felt that he was going back to someone special this last time but he was adamant that was not the case. he says he never meant to hurt me but why would a man who can have the best of both worlds give up such a life? he says he doesnt like all the travel that his job involves but that he feels responsible and must pay the bills - we are in our fifties and he only started travelling about 8 years ago - before that i always felt so close to him.

I think his taste for other women started when we were having a bad patch about 9 years ago and he had a fling - until then i would never have thought him capable - and indeed he only told me cos he had to - he had caught something nasty. Please help me sort out my feelings - he absolutely refuses to go to counselling - i know i've been a real dork in letting someone take such advantage of me but i feel i cant talk to friends about this - i think thats where he wins cos i'm so loyal to him. Please HELP!

I'm so sorry you are here and going through this.

You need to read Surviving an Affair to start.

I think you should call Steve Harley and let him help you with a plan.

If your WS is serious about a relationship with you, he better be writing his resume for a stateside job where you can live with him. Living like you are is not good for a relationship.

ps: pleas break your post into paragraphs- you will get more responses.

thank you for your response. It's good to feel there are people out there who can advise.

we talked about him changing his job but he seems to have lost all confidence in himself. he says if he had the courage he would look for other work - but he's one of these people who's defined by what he does - he couldnt take on a job with less status - i don't know - maybe we'll get there. in the meantime, how do i try to rebuild and cater to his needs when he's home? I feel the need to have only protected sex which will show i don't trust him and of course it will not please him!

i've read SO much around this topic but my situation seems utterly hopeless - unless he comes home for good there IS no hope! I really would just go if it weren't for the kids - i guess i've made my decision!

Please do not have unprotected sex with him. Make an appointment with your gyno to be tested for stds.

Can you call Steve Harley? I think he would be the best route for you right now.

Did he say he was not going to do this again? I mean, did he act repentant?

I was thinking maybe you could ask him to keep him informed on where he is, what he is doing, show you his calendar, you review his cell records, phone calls, hotel bills, etc as accountablity.

I wish I knew what else to tell you. Him being away is going to be difficult.

take care

ancast

Sorry to be so pessimistic but unless you can set some boundaries and he will stick with them you will never be safe with him. My recommendation? Kick his wayward [censored] to the kerb.

Ancast, the only way thing I can say to you is you MAY have some hope if you can get him to:

1. Go to IC
2. Be a complete open book to you
3. If he is a Christian go to the "Every Man's Battle" workshop
4. Find an accountability partner
5. Get a full STD panel
6. Apologize to you and your children
7. Quit traveling

i feel SO sick. I KNOW that he has to give up this travelling - there seems to be no other way out. He seems repentant but says there are no guarantees in this world and he cant promise not to be tempted again. he actually asked me what the big deal was!! of course i told him i was scared of getting stds and probably something much worse. I told him i just want to be dead cos what i'm feeling is so unbearable.
he said he felt empty and was sorry. I WANT to make it work but dont see how i can be nice to him and still make him see that i'm serious. I just feel as if there is no other way than to leave him - of course that creates problems for my kids - my youngest is 14 - and the finance problem is something that scares me! O help.

Ancast, every betrayed spouse is entitled to make the decision whether to stay and work on the marriage or not. Your husband has indulged himself with an unknown number of adulteries through the years and he is actually unrepentant. He asks you what the big deal is, right? That's not repentant. On top of that, he belittles your concern about them and the chance of giving you a sexually transmitted disease. Is that a fair summary of what you're going through?

If it is, I firmly believe chronic infidelities committed over a period of time probably point to a previously undetected character defect in the wayward spouse. The marriage went through a bad spell nine years ago and he chose to solve his problems by committing adultery. He’s found that to be a comfortable lifestyle and he won't quit until he has no option. That’s not something you can afford to put up with. Sooner or later, you and he will experience the h3ll of an STD.

Something you need to understand is you are not alone. Many of the regulars here on MB have gone through similar times in their lives and have come out whole and sane on the other side. We can be your support group through this.

Ancast, many marriages survive an infidelity. Often they recover because of the children. In your case though, I wonder if you should make your decision based on them. It seems they have an already established detachment from their father and would not suffer nearly as much as younger and more dependent children would.

I think you need to go to an attorney and find out what your legal options are. For instance, a legal separation may jolt your husband and get him to pay attention to his responsibilities. It might not. If you file a petition for divorce though, your husband will be required to meet his financial obligations to his family. You can survive and thrive, Ancast. Many others already have. You are stronger than you think you are.

Now, if you want to work on your relationship, you have a lot of work ahead of you. There is no guarantee you will recover your marriage but you've come to a place where you will learn techniques that will give you a fighting chance anyway. Dr. Harley has laid out a plan to recover marriages in his book Surviving An Affair. That book is available in the MB bookstore and you should order a copy of it immediately. In the meantime, begin by reading articles on this website. WAT’s thread on the “Just Found Out” forum is a great place to begin. Then look at the “Most Popular Links” on the top right of every MB page. Educate yourself on Dr. Harley’s program.

Part of that program is that you have to set limits (we call them boundaries) on conduct you will accept on the part of your spouse. One of the critical ones for you is for your husband to stop traveling on these trips. He got along without them before the hard times your marriage experienced. He can get along without them now.

You tell us, Ancast. You sit down and make a calm analysis of whether you want to work on this marriage or not. You decide what is best for you and your children and then tell us what you want to do. Either way, there will be folks here on MB to help you work through it. Hang in there, lady.

I have just come back to the forum because i felt that the people who responded to my last pleas thought the only answer was to get out of this marriage. I kindof think that but would like to be a bit hopeful - i'm in such a daze.

I'm trying to be unbiased here and calm -but i spent the time away from the forum sorting out my son who needed some help with his studies. It was hard to stay normal in front of him but i held my emotions in.

Things i didnt say before - we had a baby boy 16 years ago who died aged 52 days from a kidney disease. That was SO hard but my H and i were SO together and just there for each other - i couldnt believe how close we were and how much we helped each other and our little girl who was 4 at the time.

Immediately after his burial however, we just sort of dealt with our emotions by our selves - i wanted to talk but i thought i was strong and H decided he simply didnt want to discuss it - it was over, in the past, let's get on with our lives. well i reckon there was too much hurt built up inside both of us - i think thats where we started to lose our communication skills.

My feelings built up and i always seemed to be angry. We then had another boy who is our 14 year old - and he is just lovely. Even though i knew i should cherish my two lovely children and my lovely husband i always felt resentful and showed it. I'm trying not to make excuses for him, I'm trying to be honest. He was working hard, i was working part-time and i put alot into my job, now i've changed it and i know i used to put far too much energy into my job and my kids.

I guess I'm saying i resented my H for not talking to me about our first son. And i was trying to respect his different way of dealing with the pain.My H was orphaned when he was quite young and spent alot of his younger years being looked after by relatives who couldnt really afford to have him around - he's always spoken about his feelings of being alone - sometimes he'd say that was life, it was tough but you just have to do what you have to do and get on with it.Sometimes he'd say how alone he felt.

Even as i write this i cant believe how i, how we, could have let things get so bad between us.We'd been together for 17 years before our first son died and people always commented onhow 'in tune' we both were and how lucky we were to have each other.
I spose that's why i feel SO sad - so much to have gone through (there's other stuff like when he nearly died after a botched up hospital stay when our little girl was only four months old!!)

So that first A 9 years ago was a real shock. I thought that was our warning and we'd better get ourselves back on track. We talked alot and i thought we understood each other better - he agreed to go to counselling then but in the end i thought we could get by - i read loads of books and we talked and talked. it seemed ok - until his job changed - he didnt actually move companies, the place he workes decided it needed him to go out and about to all these distant countries to sort out problems that evidently couldnt be sorted from a distance. So he didnt choose to travel.

The company was changing hands quite a bit and lots of peole were losing their jobs - he has always had this great sense of responsibilty, in terms of keeping a homefor his family - that's important to him, keeping the family together.
When we talked about these latest problems he said that his two-year A happened because he kept going to the same city and it was comforting to have someone familiar 'show him around'. Now his travel is very much more broken up - on one trip he goes to lots of places for shorter visits each. So this is where the 'flings' come in - these are the things that i shouldn't 'make such a big deal about'.I have no idea how many there have been - maybe just one or two, maybe lots. I knew, but didnt actually 'know' about his 2 year A and i chose to keep quiet - so it ended. Fine - and now he has been honest to me about it - he must have thought he got lucky, not getting found out - but then to find that collar!

This last time he came back we were getting along fine, in fact really cosily and contented and i had high hopes of us moving ahead and making plans for our future with more time for each other now the kids are older. I knew that the 2-year A was over and was so glad but this latest thinghas really thrown me.

While he was here the last time we did talk and talk - and for such a long time that has simply not happened - not real feelings talk. I dont see how at his age he can easily change jobs and this is what he says - he wants to be home but doesnt see how. He says that the fact that he left the OW means that he is committed to me, he chose to stay - he says they decided to break up as a mutual decision cos she wanted more commitment from him that he wasnt prepared to give. But the fact tht he wont/cant guarantee to stay away from these meaningless temptations??? I talked about the fact that if we strengthened our bonds, if we really got back to a stronger unit then he surely wouldnt be tempted - he said he didnt think our bonds affected what happens when he's away - what on earth does THAT mean? does he just not think that we have any hope of getting strong feelings back? Has he forgotten how we used to feel@ did he NEVER really feel that way?Is he just confused?

I've gone onand on, i'm sorry but writing all this has cleared myhead a bit - there's more, much more to think about - i do love him so much but that got lost along the way - I'm talking like a teenager. One of the things i told him i didnt like was the way he hardly contacted me while he was away, he really only ever responded to my messages. This last time he was back i explained, clearly, how i felt about that and since he's been gone this last week he has emailed and texted every day asking how i am and telling me in which country he is and where he's off to next etc

My worry is that he's just going thro the motions cos he realises that a split would be heavy on his wallet. But then if he really was that hard he wouldnt be bothering would he? Oh, i'm going round in circles - maybe you can make some sense of this. Please? I've already ordered some books - they'll be here tomorrow i think so i can get down to some serious study. I need to know how to be next time he gets back - he tends to be away for three weeks and then home for one. Thank you so much for being out there - i really need this life-line. I have a friend in a worse position than me - we talk as much as we can but she has very little time to get away. Thank you thank you.

Ancast, if you are interested in trying to save your marriage I can recommend a couple of books for you.

1. Surviving An Affair by Harley
2. Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson
3. Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud

Be prepared to make and enforce your own boundaries with regard to your WH and your marriage. In the end the best you can do is protect yourself and your children.

I've got some books and am reading whenever i have the chance - i posted my last response some days ago - i said lots about our history - i feel as if i am so much to blame - i'm about to really study the Plan A to see if that is the way to go - boundaries i know must be set and i have to think thro what i want - I could do with some advice as to how to behave when my H returns from his latest trip next weekend. I feel as if i want some more answers but i dont know whether i should be just totally loving and tend to his needs. even if i re-explain my own needs while looking after his - doesnt that just give him the licence to carry on doing what suits him? i really dont think he is a bad person - i've always said that he was good but am i just kidding myself?I dont want to fight with him but i DO want to start clearing things up one way or another. Please advise.I just dont think it is realistic that he could find closer employment at this stage - but am i just making excuses?help - please. I've spent so much time reading other peoples' posts and am beginning to think that i'm just a whiner - i've read some real horror stories!

i want to try to save this relationship - posted details that i thought might shed some light on things but have had no replies and i'm feeling pretty lonely out here. i'm not sure i understand this forum system - should i be making new postings somewhere else?

anyway, i'll try again cos i need advice.

my H will be home soon after a 3 week trip away. i have read so much these last weeks i think i'm going crazy but i have tried to understand. he will return and want to have sex.I have talked to a couple of friends who advise extreme caution - they have gone thu divorce recently themselves and think i should try to save my marriage - they know him well and dont understand his actions - they think it all seems totally odd, so unlike him - i actually WANT to try to be nice - to try Plan A - but i dont feel happy to have sex without protection - we have never had sex without protection but i feel i have to insist on this - i'm scared that he will just say 'thats it, then' and that WILL be it, without a fight. I've got three days to sort this out - the books dont seem to have this scenario in mind - if h were here all the time i'd know what to do - please answer.

Ancast - your husband sounds like a long-term serial cheater. For him, infidelity is not an aberration of character - it's a lifestyle that he's comfortable with.

I'm sorry to tell you that there is little hope for changing somebody like this. If you want to say you tried, you can do the following:

Plan A for a short time - maybe a couple of weeks. And I personally agree totally with your decision not to have sex with a man who has admitted to sleeping with other women and doesn't consider this to be any big deal. The physical *and* emotional consequences for you are just too high.

During Plan A, read the books and ask your husband to complete the Emotional Needs questionnaire with you. If he refuses, fill it out for him and post it here (yours and his both.)

After Plan A, strongly consider going to Plan B. It usually takes an extreme wake-up call to get through to somebody like this.

You must set down some boundaries. The first one can be sex. Think about it - if he will threaten you with divorce for not giving him sex when he's cheating, do you really want him? No high school girl would fall for that!

There seem to be no boundaries in your relationhip, so he feels free to walk all over you, treat your marriage like a joke and then threaten to divorce you if you don't like it.

Please read all you can about boundaries in a healthy relationship. And if you want things to have a chance of changing, be prepared to stand up to him and to have him get angry and try to bully you into submission again.

Please keep posting and let us know how it's going.
Mulan

oh. This is going to be tough. Scary. Confusing. I just dont understand how we got to this place. This is so like a bad dream - I just wish I could wake up and find out it wasnt happening.

Thanks for the advice. Will keep you posted.

Ancast

Ancast; I don't profess to be an expert, I'm only 8wks out from dday myself. May I say how sorry I am that a person as thoughtful and kind as yourself is being treated this way.IMHO I would suggest IC for your husband.

I know the ideas of some here are to focus only on marriage issues but your H seems to have had a tough time of it when he was young... is it possible he uses these A's to keep you at a distance in his own mind? Perhaps he feels the leftover insecurity of not measuring up during childhood, he might be afraid that you're too good for him and at some point you will realize this and leave him. Sorry for the psychobabble but it's precisely what my Wh quoted me after about 6wks of IC and 3wks of MC. He needs to reassure himself he's "good enough" by using exterior stimuli, the A'S, instead of working on actually believing it himself.

My H is a prof athlete and also spends a great deal of time away from me and 3kids. He is trying to behave his way back into my life and home. I'm having a very difficult time with the SF and physical attraction/affection portion of the program. I have forced myself into it several times with disasterous results.

I continue to try and remain openminded and receptive to any and all things that may be helpful.

I hope you experience some relief from this pain and uncertainty.

Mmmmm, interesting. Very useful input - not psychobabble to my mind - i think I 've known these things all along - the bit about H's childhood lomeliness. I don't believe he's heartless. I DO beleve we both could have handled things more gently, more considerately along the way. I DO believe we have both been neglectful.

I'm still very worried about him coming home soon - I Just don't know how i'll be - or even how i want to be. I'm SO glad to have received contact from someone whose H's work also takes him away from home - it DOES have a different slant on things. Expecting them to change their work is not an easy option - that kind of change can bring a different set of problems anyway - I looked on the forum to see details of your story but i couldnt see the beginning - I'm not sure I know my way around yet.

Please keep in touch - I felt very comforted by your message - though I'm at a point where I really do not want to make excuses for either of us - i just want to get to the truth. he may come back next time, having thought about what was said last time and announce that actually he wants to go - who knows? I feel sure that we've only just begun REALLY talking and what more there is to know, maybe i dont want to know. I definitely realise now that I must decide on what I want and set boundaries - this, I know has been my failing in trying to please my H.

Thank you for your posting. I hope we can help eah other.
Ancast

Ancast, so sorry things are still tough. Yes the travelling does make a difference, and is not likely to change in my situation. My H left for 1and a half weeks 4days after dday.
He has been gone this time for 1 and a half week and still has another week out.

Sometimes it's good time for reflection, but there's also sometimes too much of a good thing. I'm a stay at home with 3 kids under 11yrs, youngest is 5. I am reading your anxiety and totally relating to it.

I agree wholeheartedly with several other posters- he will continue living "the best of both worlds" until you no longer allow him to. You are worthy of being respected as a woman, partner, mother of his children. This is not respect.
Do not allow him to endanger your health and thus put the life of your family at risk by continuing this behavior.

My H and I used to have the same priorities-his happiness and his wants and needs. Even I did not impose my own need for respect and consideration so certainly he did not. Do not follow my lead, take a stand- the world does not revolve around him.

I am still struggling with the whole physical/SF thing but am trying to put what I've been reading in books and at this site into practice. If it doesn't work out at this point I feel I've overturned every stone I can.

WE will not die without them, it will be difficult and different but not impossible. For the children the fact that he is physically absent often almost makes the physical portion of separation easier - if that becomes the only option.

Please don't read that I'm pro separation- I just don't want you to stay because you feel caged in.

Good luck this week, keep me posted (no pun intended).

so now I'm hopelessly confused! I'm going round in circles I've read so much and tried to take so much in.

He came home - all sunny and ok - he seemed concerned about me and tender but did not make any move to touch me - he probably thought i wouldn't want it. I have to admit i was a bit snappy even when he tried to give me a couple of presents - which I've had a quick look at secretly and they are rather nice - but I told him I wanted to talk when he was ready.

I think I've done it all wrong - but I can't implement Plan A until he's apologised can I? He STILL doesnt seem to get it. He said that we could just carry on as we are without sex if it bothers me!!! What the ****** does that mean? I suggested that he might prefer to stay away completely if he can't make a better effort at understanding me.

I'm going now to re-read some of the sections of my books to see if I missed something.

I wish somebody out there could advise me.

He WAS very upset and looked at me painfully and told me how difficult all this was for him. Of course I told him it wasn't exactly a picnic for me too. He applied for two jobs already to try to get working back in the country but was not successful. I KNOW this - he showed me details. So there are some odd contradictions here. Apologies don't come easy to him - our 21 year old took him on about that several times over the years.

Any advice would be welcome. I've no idea how today will end - I left the house without speaking this morning and walked to work, normally he drops me off on his way to his office - (I left him a letter trying to explain my needs and asked him to write to me if he felt better about that) - because I just could not get him to talk yesterday - I KNOW i started too harsh but it annoyed me that he seemed to think he could just come home from his trip and all would be forgotten and forgiven.

Ancast, have you re-read the whole Plan A-B thing? This might prove helpful.

I don't profess to be any kind of expert but perhaps the whole letter idea might be a more comfortable way for him to open up. This was the first successful mode of communication I received from my H, sometimes he just can't say what he means and he finds it easier to write than to speak.

Because he has difficulty with the on the spot communication he has taken to writing notes ahead of time so when we do have the discussion he is ready. Would your H find this helpful?

I empathize with the frustration about not being too harsh on him but if you want to open a dialogue...(I know, it bites!)

I'm glad there are some positives for you ie, he's actively looking for local work, stay in the game girl!

Hopefully someone with more experience than I can be more helpful with suggestions.

thank you - at least we're being civil, but cagey. I have just got a big load of work to deal with - I've got behind (surprise!) and just HAVE to deal with that - so my reading will need to stop for day or two. I'll be back!!

Incidentally - how are things with you? I haven't been able to spend as long as usual searching the forum but i'd like to hear of your progress.
ancast