Hi,

I'd like to give a recap and update of my situation and see if any folks here are willing to offer me any support and/or advice. [I tend to be too wordy, so I'll try to make it quick.]

My WW moved out 7 months ago and immediately moved in with the married (but soon-to-be divorced) OM. The A had been going on for about 3 months before WW moved out. There were many signs of an affair over those 3 months, but I trusted WW completely and had no clue what was going on.

I have exposed to my in-laws, OMW, and WW's pastor (the pastor who married us). My in-laws have been very kind to me, but they seem to want to pretend like this isn't really happening.

I've consulted with SH and have been following his advice to the best of my ability. Not much has changed over the past 5 months or so. I've "Plan A'd" as best as I could via e-mail, but really, I've had very little contact with WW since she moved out.

In January, WW agreed to talk to SH, but never followed through on it. About 2 weeks ago, she came by my apartment to pick up some of her stuff. She then approached me with information on how we could get an "easy, lawyer-free" divorce. She also told me how she was planning to move to Oregon (we live in Illinois) with OM. In short, I let her know that until we've explored all of the options available for us to have a great marriage, I'm not willing to discuss divorce with her.

Today, I received this e-mail from her:
I'm not sure how to respond to this. I don't know the reasons for her comment about not having a great history of cooperation. The only point about which I'm being stubborn is divorce.


Anyway, sorry, this is much longer than I intended. I've posted my story here in the past, but I haven't posted in 4 or 5 months -- although I've still been reading the board in that time. The past few months, the board has been quite busy, and I'm somewhat shy about this sort of thing. Any support or advice on my situation would be welcome.

If you don't want a divorce, don't agree to one. You will probably have to let her move to Oregon, and find out for herself that she is making a big mistake.

You are so young and no children..I would give myself a time limit of say 6 months. Don't agree to the D and for goodness sake especially not the EASY one. Work on you in the meantime. Build a good life for you and if she comes back you can decide then what you want. MB hugs to you.

Yeah, I definitely won't agree to divorce.

Additionally, in our state, you can file for a "no-fault" divorce after you've been separated for 6 months (we've lived apart for 7); but only if both parties agree. Otherwise, the waiting period gets pushed back to 2 years.

Anyway, she doesn't have grounds for divorce, but taking into account her current state-of-mind, I could imagine her inventing something.

[color:"#01BB1E"]ncn[/color]

Then if you think she wants the D and you don't, then don't. You get the D when u r ready. That's how I handled it. When I was ready, of course the WS wasn't.

So here's my warped foggy plan. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Tell the WS you aren't ready t/d the D....yet. Don't tell her details. When your mind and heart gets in sync and you are ready to move forward, you call her up and tell her out of the blue....'hurry up....go get the D'.

It may blow her mind...see that could actually ruin a weekend or something....that w/b great. She will wonder why r u in a rush and well..... the A doesn't stand a chance when it's pitted again 'curiousity'. Remember what that did to the cat. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

Thanks. I don't think I would have been able make it so long without being able to laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

It will still be a while before I'm ready to follow through with your plan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The last time I spoke to WW in person, though, she told me that she was "angry" and "mystified" at my reaction to her requests for an "easy" divorce. I was pretty pleased with myself for achieving the "mystified" part. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"#01BB1E"]ncn[/color]

Good job. A goal for the BS is to keep the WS 'off balalnced'. Why? Because better the WS waste their time trying to get balanced, it lessens the pain and crap the Ws throw the BS and family's way.

L.

Cute name

Let her move to Oregon, it will only be a short time before she'll call and ask if you will come to pick her up.

Ncn,

You are getting great advice. One thing you can do is just not reply to that email. Another response is just to politely repeat your mantra from SH, maybe something like this?

WW,
There is nothing easy, pain-free or non-anguishing about any divorce. Until we've explored all of the options available for us to have a great marriage, I'm not willing to discuss divorce with you. [then add a light note or something a little Plan A if you can]
NCN

Just want to say that I read your posts because I was also in a new/young M w/o children (but have a dog <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Wish I could give more help & advice. All I can say is that the things I said over & over again (MB stuff - different "mantras" about believing M could be fixed, etc) did actually make their way through the fog. It also helped me to plan ahead what I would say in certain situations. Obviously, if you are working with SH then you are getting the best advice.

You seem to be very strong and you are dealing with this extremely well - much better than I did. Hope things work out for you.

nev,

First, hmm, dealing with this well? Well, keep in mind that I'm 7+ months into this ordeal, and I certainly haven't always dealt with things how I am now.

I do think that I certainly have a much better attitude about things now and am a much stronger person that I was before/during my marriage.

I'm going to reply to the e-mail. Seriously, the draft that I'd prepared lined up with what you wrote almost word-for-word. I've only very recently become much better in dealing with my WW and her waywardness.

Early on, I was trying to debate with and "educate" my WW. She's (well, she isn't right now...) quite an intelligent, logical, responsible person, and I thought that it would be best to try to reason with her. Yeah, I realize what a mistake that was.

Yes, I find the guidance from SH to be invaluable. I have a great deal of respect for the long-range plan that we discuss, but I have difficulty dealing with the day-to-day interactions with WW. My instincts and intuition tell me to do exactly the wrong thing most of the time, so I have to be very aware of sticking to things that will help accomplish my long-range goals.

[color:"#01BB1E"]ncn[/color]

I responded to her e-mail. I expect her to be angry. Fine. OM can deal with her being angry.