Bob, that is what I am saying. I have never said otherwise. I have never said the OM disgusts me. I have said I am indifferent to the OM.

Yes, you have put huge expectations on me. So as everyone, as I can see from the reaction to all this.

If I had not met the OM in the grocery store I would never have contacted him again.

His wife wants to talk with me. She wants to talk with me very much. I know her. She is quite a special woman. That is what OM really wants. It's what he keeps angling for. I know why she wants to talk with me and I would like to talk to her. She knows the history, she knows why it was me. Sometimes reality is stranger than what people want or expect.

BTW Traic, you and your Snap Tools would be VERY useful around here.

Bob, I know what marriage is like. I don't want to live with the OM. We have nothing in common. I know him very, very well. We were joined at the hip for 5 years remember. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Bob, I WANT to do silly stuff together, Rob doesn't.

Why would OMW want to talk to you Jen ? I assume its not to poke you in the eye. Polyamory ? Surely not !

I don't know Bob. I truly don't know.

He went to great pains to tell me how much he loves his W at our "drinks date" as per Pep. When we first met again 4 years ago our first thought was to meet for dinner, both families, but something twisted and that never happened.

He said he wants some sort of contact but not sexual contact. He said why can't the 4 of us be friends. I snorted and said cos Rob wants to punch you in the nose and then rip your guts out.

For me, accepting and enjoying boredom is what makes marriage possible. If I wanted excitement all the time, I never would have gotten married and I certainly couldn't stay married. I think of celebrity marriages. Movie stars who travel all the time, go from one party to the next, lives full of excitement, money no concern - and they can't stay married. Why? Because there is nothing underneath the excitement. Things get a little boring and they walk.

I used to have great jobs. Exciting jobs. Getting shot at and cool stuff. Now my job is mind-numbing boring. But I have a great place for my kids to grow up and they can have so many opportunities. I can have really great vacations every year. The people here live from repat to repat. Everything in between is just passing time.

I have great times with gemela - but not all the time. We have a lot of "boredom" too. Last night we spent several hours cleaning up, bathing DD2 repeatedly, changing clothes and sheets because she kept throwing up on herself. I can't say I enjoyed that activity in and of itself but I did enjoy it because it is part of what being a family is. I had a great time cleaning up vomit. And all the while I am thinking WW probably wishes she was off at some night club dancing the night away with OM. Oh well. To each his own. I have no point to this BTW. Just talking out loud.

No, Traic, that is not what she was thinking. She was probably thinking the same as you. I know you're talking out loud. I'm thrilled to be talking at all to anyone without being villified. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL we have a course on International Relations at the university. We call it the "bombs and guns" course. You'd like that.

I remember DS throwing up on me all the way home in the car one night. H and I just kept looking at each other and rolling our eyes.

By the time I got home I was down to my underslip and we just dealt with it.

We've been married 32 years, we've brought up teenagers. Ha! talk to me when you've done that both of you.

You think a land mine is scarey. You haven't dealt with a 15 year old.

What are you going to do Jenny ? Now I mean. You went from declaiming love and mush in your 'affair world' post six weeks ago to, well, THIS.

Now either you were lying THEN, or you're rationalising NOW as to why you couldn't leave OM alone IMO.

What you going to do next Jen ?

Oh Bob, I just saw why does OM W want to talk, not OM.

Good grief, not polyamory she is a devout Christian.

It's hard to explain. I just know it would be good to talk with her. For both of us (her and me).

Same way you 'just knew' meeting OM for a drink would be a good idea ?

if EVER you needed POJA its now Jenny.

I made u cry? Awwh geeze Jen, if you really see how short I am, you won't bat an eyelash. LOL!!!

Ok, y r u frightened of me?

Actually I have a lot of respect 4 u. Now this episode was a downer but not enough to diminish your value.

Btw, I haven't written you off. I could have but see no value in doing so. Guess I'm bit selfish but I think you have been a great contributor here. Keeping us balanced when the BS in us wants to do a 180 swan dive but end up headed for a belly flop, ya know?!??!

Ok, back to da' real question....y r u frightened of me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Tell Rob you want to go zorbing or sledging - or BOTH! They each look exciting and not very expensive. Has anyone ever tried zorbing without the water? That is what I want. Could be painful though. Possible chaffing issues.

no "excitement in the marriage"....kids leaving home and being independant.....sounds like a mid-life to me. there were things you alluded to without going into explainations that had me wondering about this recently......

have you told him yet????? if you arent happy with YOUR life.......then you knew what to do...this wasnt it and you know that also.

Yes, Jen have you told him yet?

The longer you hold off the more you dishonor him, yourself and the marriage.

Remember, love is a choice, a command...and not something we do when it feels right to do so. You say you are scared to tell him, well that is too bad...we honor someone even when it is scary to do so.

You should be talking to Rob about this, he is the one you go to first, your husband.

You know all this stuff Jen. Let this be something which brings you closer together and not something which destroys you both...like JustJ said, scary things grow in the dark.

Why not "because that is NOT good for my MARRIAGE and my family. It is harmful!!!"

It is NOT Rob's fault that he wants to punch and rip him.

TRUST ME. IT WON'T!!! I have been there and done that.

It just reopens the old wound that should have already been closed and healing.

Jen said:



This is the deal Jen. If I knew Myrta felt that way I would call OM immediately and give Myrta to him. I don’t want to be married to a woman that thinks the way you do. Your H needs to know what you really think. I would love to hear the voice of Jen that is not pre-programmed for the MB audience.




This is the dilemma that was mentioned above. The concept of staying married to keep the family and everything else (the boring status quo) versus the concept of riding into the sunset with OM.

I suspect that if OM was single and available you would have decided to ride into the sunset with OM. As you said----OM is not viable so you must stay married.


BP said:


As Freud said------this is nothing but a mechanism of defense.

"I wouldn't have had another A, of that you can be sure. I would have told Rob and I would have divorced him. Do you really think I'm so stupid that I can't see all this? This has blindsided me. I've always admitted the OM has a huge pull on me. Duh. I've always admitted that I'm completely vulnerable when it comes to him. That is why NC was so important to me."


[color:"red"] So.....I didn't think it would hurt to talk with him. So I did. Same thing, just as though I was speaking with any old friend I may have bumped into.

OMG, do you know HOW CLOSE I CAME TO BEING INVOLVED WITH THIS MAN AGAIN.
[/color]

WHY???

Why did you even stop and talk with him when you clearly claim the vulnerability...and to go on dates with him too!!!!

WOW...that's a contradiction of monstrous proportions.

You have gone on 2 dates with him now...you are now a WW...

When are you going to come clean with your H so that he can make his choice of what he needs to do?

committed

So you are saying that KiwiJ went from being FWW to WW? or, in other words, she got the F outta there. And now you are suggesting that maybe BH should be given the same option? I see...

I would so much like to present a defense on your behalf. Of course, not because you need someone the likes of me to do so but more for myself as your situation has the appearance of an alien landscape and I have a deep fear that my failure to understand it could conceivably place me in it.

It appears on the surface that yours is a simple case of “cake eating”. It seems that you chase a desire to stoke a yearning at the expense of others. You do so with the full knowledge of the potential harm you will cause. It appears that you want your husband and you want something more, perhaps it is the OM but I might suggest that that the OM might only be a symbol for an itch that you cannot seem to scratch.

You said of your husband:

Expect to the person you love. That statement chills me to the bone. If that were the extent of what my wife had to say about me then I would know that my pursuit of a deep and loving relationship had failed. I will suggest that you need to think about this without rationalizing it. It is not just the single quote that I have outlined but your entire tone of your most recent posts that suggest that your love for your husband is not what it should be. He should be more, much more, then just the father of your children and your friend. You of course, know this.



I think it is because those people that you have valued these recent years feel a bit lost and betrayed by your recent actions. Marriage Builders is the home of “true confessions” and it appear that you have kept a secret yearning hidden while doling out constructive advice to others that is the complete antithesis to your recent actions.





Your inability to settle for “normal” is troubling. JL had suggested that you may be a person who requires drama in their life and perhaps that is what your comment suggests. Also troubling is that you are apparently just now discovering that “normal” is not where you want to be. Is it a coincidence that you make this discovery after your “OM-Fix”? As far as the travel providing an adequate level of excitement I might suggest that you could have accomplished it had you communicated the importance of it to your husband. But I must ask you, had he agreed to go to Europe would that action removed the OM as a threat?

The trick is, I think, to find adventure TOGETHER within your marriage. Do stupid stuff TOGETHER.

No doubt that is a major and important “key” at least for my wife and me. At the same time I highly value the wonderful pleasures that I get from the simple things in life. Your actions make me question that value and I must now reexamine it to insure that my wife thinks as I do on this and is not just giving me lip service.



The expectations are not huge at all. The fact that you see them as such says volumes regarding where you are at in your life and your marriage.



The correct answer would have been “Because I don’t want you in my life”. I can’t help but wonder why you did not take the great opportunity to set him straight right then.



Please try to invent a result that would benefit you. In your wildest dreams I cannot envision a conversation that would improve your marriage. I can however envision much that would keep the drama alive and the OM a part of your life.

In summary I think that after two thousand posts and all of the education you have traveled full circle and you are a bit lost. I can’t help but wonder how the next chapter will play out. I hope your husband is prepared for the disappointment he is about to endure. You say your eyes are swollen from tears yet your calculating meetings with the OM tell a completely different story. It is a story that you are the sole author of, so the tears make little sense. At 50 years old your life on this planet draws to the evening.

Mr. G

I'm just a bystander to this thread, but I think you *should* travel a bit. Travel is enlightening. Not to Europe or the Greek Islands, though. (how exciting that would be! Sun and fun!)

No, why don't you go to Africa and watch a few women your daughter's age die in childbirth? Maybe hold a few dying AIDS babies? Go to Moscow and talk to the women your age standing outside the subways trying to sell their pots and pans because that is their only source of income now that their husbands are dead and their society and social safety nets have crumbled? Maybe come to my neck of the woods and watch immigrant women your age take two buses to get to a job where they scrub toilets all day?

And then you can come home to your little garden and your bathroom that needs some work and your bright healthy children and your boring husband, and contemplate hurting everyone who loves you because you lack some indefinable excitement.

I'm sorry. I will probably regret having posted this. I was sympathetic to a point. But whiny, priviledged baby boomer midlife crisis angst drives me over the edge. Lady, you don't know what problems ARE. There are people who would give their eyeballs for your "normal" boring life. I wish you appreciated it more.