I thought of a funny one! My little brother was about 6, this adorable chubby little guy. Down here, boys run around with no shirts all summer, and so sometimes we called him "Little Buddha" and "made a wish" on his belly. It was all in fun, not mean-spirited at all. One day, my mom left the ironing board out for the iron to cool, and my brother walks by and it falls on his tummy. Ok, that's not the funny part, ouch! But the rest of the summer, he ran around with a huge iron mark on his belly, telling everybody who asked about it.

This morning went really well. We had a serious discussion without either of us getting offended or making judgements outloud. And I caught my internal judgements this time, and looked at them. The listen and repeat is so much easier after you clarified, LA! We didn't actually come to any resolution, but hey, I still think that's two steps forward <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anything you still feel fussy about?

That's a cute story! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> His poor tummy!

Wow, sounds like this morning was awesome! Yay for you!! That's huge.

No, I'm not really feeling fussy anymore. I was tired and cranky, and H was out of town, which I don't really like, and my stomach was hurting... you know, just one of those nights! I'm feeling much better now that I've had a little sleep and some coffee. Thanks for asking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Oh, man, it is hard when your H is out of town. Oh, something else really happy to share, my MiL decided to move back, SiL is at peace with that and will help her with the move, and H was looking for a place for her down here this morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The girls are thrilled, too!

My sister said that this situation was God sending me a message to be patient, that things will work out in His ay in His time. I don't know if that is the case at all, but I definitely got the message loud and clear!

That's great! I'm so glad to hear that situation is working out well.

Oh, I love the little buddha and battle scars story...and how it tied into HTBH's tummy episode...

And you, EO...do you think that some things don't need to be resolved, just understood?

Acknowledged?

I think your sister was right on...being open to what is, is more important than preparing for what might come...

Love to see you both posting...and I'm taking EO's story and HTBH's fussy reason to tell me to get to the darn gym today...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

LA, I think you're getting to the changing beliefs part, right? Yes, I am starting to understand that I can have happiness with a man that has different beliefs than I do. Because I see the possibility, the reality, that I can have opinions that differ from his and not be punished for it. I don't know if I could understand the second before I believed in the first.

I can see now why this is such a huge difficult shift for us. I don't consider myself a judgemental person, and my closest friends would tell me I am their favorite person to talk to about their problems because they know I don't judge them. But what I didn't even see was that I judged myself and H SO harshly all the time. So H is still judging me harshly, just as he judges himself, and it still stings, but I wans't able to see or change this overnight, and I cannot expect that from him, either. I can wait, just as he had to wait until I was ready to change.

The first huge monumental shift when we got here was to stop the yelling, now I'm working on the judgement, and challenging my beliefs, I don't know, there may be more, too. I am SO glad for MB and you all today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I love how you summarized that!

LA, have fun at the gym!

And I love how you pointed out maybe the order of change is realizing your beliefs are yours...and they can differ...and both be valid...before you set about radically changing all of yours...

I think that is really important...I'm all out of order, I think...so this really matters...thank you!

As you wait on your H, being aware of yourself, I think you'll find the sting drops away...because you will truly begin to hear his judgments as only his opinions...the stronger you know you can both be of different beliefs and respectful...

Guess I'm saying, you're smiling today...and it will keep getting better and better...and you know what is better? More YOU, EO...

Just being more and more you.

Let your joy pour out as freely as you do your gratitude, EO...no fear.

LA

*dodging* I can't be too happy this week, because tomorrow's my last day at work, and I didn't finish my project. Friday night after I've shipped my equipment back, then I will allow myself to be joyful again.

Thank goodness I can forgive myself my shortcomings!

Hi everyone -

Dropping a note to say I'm continuing to learn so much from you all. THANKS! I purchased "Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Dating" -- great reads!

Hi Deserving!!! Glad you're still here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Deserving, good to see you!

Hold and JM's talking about anniversaries got me thinking about my own 11th coming up. H has already booked his Vegas trip, and has offered to do something with me the weekend before or after. Trying to make the best of it, I agreed to the weekend before, but to be honest, I do resent that I have to move our anniversary around this trip that I'm not enthusiastiuc about if I want to celebrate with him. After reading Hold's post, I think I may be better off celebrating my anniversary on the right date instead with my kids. I checked my intent <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, and it's not to martyr myself at all but to create a celebration I can really be happy about.

Have you, EO, been saying how you feel about H's choice over yours...no POJA? Because this isn't old news...

"I am still feeling loss and anger from your decision to go to Vegas. I am consciously working on not resenting you for it...it's very difficult for me."

Your truth matters...this isn't stating over and over again something you felt...updating on how you feel matters, also.

Consider not doing something with him before or after, not out of spite...just a natural consequence of his choice. If you would rather be open to doing something and do not feel it would betray yourself, then do it...

Trying to the make the best of it...for you? For him? Staying conscious of what you're really feeling is important...

You're doing very well...I think celebrating your anniversary with your children is a must-do, either way, because they are because you two were married.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

I haven't really said that in so many words. I don't bring it up, but when he asked about celebrating it earlier or later, I said, "I'm trying but I haven't made peace with it yet. I do want to celebrate together, how about coming back early?" I like how specifically you put it, though. He said no, but he'll send flowers. I told him, I love flowers, but not this time, it would just remind me why. I read other people posts things like that and I never understood that until now. I see that that is a choice of perspective, but I'm finding too that as difficult but possible it is to choose behavior, it is still possible but even more difficult to choose a new perspective.

So I was thinking, what would make me enthusiastic about his trip? And I thought of us getting away for a weekend, I tried that thought on, and it didn't fit, but I thought, I'll sleep on it, and it might sound better in the morning. But I woke up still feeling yucky about it. Especially because I felt like I was pulling teeth arranging our last anniversary trip, the first we've been on. And then I logged on here, and read about Hold's advice to JM about not doing things that you are unenthusiastic about the get the result you want, and I thought, what is my intent here? And you are right, it was for him to not be mad at me for not celebrating our vacation. And I don't have to judge myself or feel petty to admit to him that I'm just not feeling it.

I do feel like we have a lot to celebrate, and I will have a lot of fun clebrating with the kids. I am hoping between now and then I will be ready to have a loving phone call with H on that day, a goal to work towards. Easy does it, though, if I'm not there yet then, that will be okay, too.

Yes, we tumble with our resentments, past and present...awareness is the key, doesn't make it the wand.

Your awareness is high...congratulate yourself. No self-betrayal here...I'm happy you're having your feelings...and that they are yours.

I wanted to talk to you about your post on BTE's thread...how you feel about her situation and choices...I found others I related to, their choices tended to affect my own...my old pattern...from fear.

How are you doing?

I'm holding you to "I do feel like we have a lot to celebrate," because I believe you.

Easy does it...one day at a time...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I celebrate you.

LA

Well, with BTE, I feel like whether she sees it or not, that she and her H have a lot of good there, and that it would be so sad to see them throw in the towel, when things have a better chance of getting better than they ever have. I see the obstacles BTE talks about, the phone calls to the friend, the lack of intimacy, but they do seem like obstacles that they in particular can overcome. But I know my experience is limited, so that's just my perspective.

I think I see where you're getting at, though, I remember when my best friend and her husband split, and it really rocked my faith in my own marriage. I know it was not easy on either of them, but a lot of problems just vanished overnight, like living with someone who believes you're mean and cruel and inept. Of course, there were other issues that were difficult for them immediately, like financial. But it seemed to me at the time that I'd much rather struggle to make ends meet, than to struggle to feel like a good person in my own home. I've struggled with bills before, that I could handle, but I had no idea how to cope with the idea that I would never be good enough for myself or for H, just like BTE describes.

Today I see that I am a good person whether H agrees or not. But back then, I didn't understand that, and so I did wish that I was that "lucky" to have that "option." I felt so trapped. I have struggled with depression for a long time and things fell apart somewhat for the kids and I when H was out of town, so if we were to split for good, to me that meant a depression with no end. His last stint out of town was much better, I had more reasonable standards, and we did fine, so that's not why I'm here now. I'm here out of choice. I really needed that. Thanks, LA, I celebrate you, too!

I felt the same way, EO...about there being so much good there, in their marriage...and the choice I referred to was hers not to be intimate...she has no desire to love and act loving to her H...only decent. She is not open to being open with her H...we block love bank deposits, and she knows this, and she is good with blocking her H's attempts.

What I heard her say, was, "What's the point of being intimate when you will be vulnerable?" I do think as humans, we have to want to be intimate more than being protected...and if we can't see the guarantee, why try? Well, I chose to try anyway...and can now see how this way, I get both...

That's the choice I meant between choosing to live from fear or love...we all have to make it...do make it...whether we recognize it or not.

She's very aware.

How valuable you are, EO...you see inside yourself, more and more...and tenderly share it...like a gift to everyone. You are.

Thank you for sharing.

LA

LA, I see her choice, and it's made from having had enough pain as she can take for now. That weight of constant judgement you describe. She will see it, in her own time, when she is ready, maybe when she gives herself permission. I tell you, I could be completely wrong on this, but if they split, for now, I think if they are meant to be together, then somehow her H won't go calling this friend, will show by his behavior that BTE is not replaceable, and that external cue may just be what it takes for BTE.

LA, I know that doesn't sound fair, but that is what it took for me, for you to tell me that I was worth the investment. I have heard this message many times over the years, but it took time for it to sink in, to really believe it and trust it enough to put the effort in.

BTE is honest that she doesn't understand it yet, but she's doing what she can, surrounding herself in real life at church and here and in her other group with those that can help her find her meaning. She will get there, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, EO.

LA

Hi everyone!

Just wanted to drop in and say that I missed you all over the weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

EO, Hope you're well today!