Wow...a 24-person bday party? In my darn dreams....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You're loved, sweetie. You really are...and it sounds like you're beginning this new year loving yourself...

Btw, I do believe the very best way to handle suicide talk is to advise SIL to call 911 and report what he said...so he knows he's being taken seriously, he can possibly get the help he needs (your family isn't full of professionals, is it?) and if he is using it for a manipulative purpose in their separation, then he'll know his words are heard and respected, taken to heart.

I really believe in this. I believe this is respectful and necessary. Scary, but respectful.

Empower SIL...she's part of the reaction chain...why would she call, btw, and not check on BIL herself? Does she live far away?

How did you dupe H into checking on BIL? You're pretty powerful...so use 911 as it was intended...to take people at their word, demonstrate respect and not be the one in the reaction chain to pass on anything, 'k?

Gorgeous hopper, btw...love the bow, too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

I just got off of the phone with SiL, I didn't want to give her advice, because she's much closer to BiL than I am, but I talked to her about what happened yesterday, and expressed my concern that it didn't seem to be a very workable plan, to call someone who goes over hours later, and then BiL was okay the whole time. I asked her what she thought, and she agreed, but as she lives in the Midwest, she wasn't sure what else to do. I asked her what she thought about calling 911 if she truly does think that BiL is in danger, and she said that she will think about how they want to handle it next time, and that she understands that when she calls H, that he's not likely to drive over on a moment's notice. Their father had comitted suicide, which makes this all the more something to think through. She has talked to BiL about calling if he needs help.

So, I feel like I was O&H about my concerns, without meddling or stepping on H's toes. He doesn't feel that I duped him, but rather that I bought was I was told, and pressured him to go relieve my own anxiety about it. This was where listen and repeat really helped, because I thought that I was not pressuring, but even though I wasn't pressuring with words, my moment of anxiety created pressure on him. I told him about how I am working on separate and equal, and how my anxiety was about my fears, not about H's choices. Because like you said, I did have options, and I had considered calling 911, but then didn't because I didn't know with enough certainty to make that call. Which was why I had concluded to leave BiL to the care of his Higher Power, rather than my interfering. In the end, BiL picks his choices, and I don't know if H going to check to see if he was okay really improves the situation measurably, anyhow.

I talked to my sponsor, and she said in her study, she's found that people who admit that they are thinking of committing suicide are lucid enough to not follow through. That it's the people who are profoundly depressed, and then seem like they found peace, that may be planning to carry it out. I really don't know, but I am praying for guidance for this to become clearer to me.

Someone last week shared an interesting idea, to create mantras to help me visualize what I want to achieve, and to block negativity.

I've been working on it, and I have one that I've been trying, I feel like it's helping.

"Dear Lord, please surround me and my family with a blanket of protection to block negativity, criticism, and judgement.

Please touch our hearts with love and respect for ourselves and one another, that will overflow into our thoughts and our actions. Amen."

Last night, we had a friend's birthday to go to, and H got on me about the house, how we can't leave until it's straight. I'd spent an hour just tidying up, and I thought it looked good. He walked in and spent another half an hour on things I hadn't seen. Not putzing, really picking up things that were physically there. I had just been in each room, and each had looked done to me. Finally, we left, and in the car, he was telling me how the house was a disgrace. I listened and repeated, but added that it is not a workable plan for me to be in charge of the place looking spotless when he gets home. He kept saying how awful it was, and I kept saying that I am not assigning myself that task anymore, that I am willing to discuss an alternate plan.

Phoenix's post really hit me, how it touched on what we talked about last week, that I had still been assigning motives to H's behavior, when in fact I don't know them. Good reinforcement for me!

EO,

How are you feeling? Seems to me like you're thriving--what does it feel like to you?

I love your mantra...but it's long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> You're an ambitious cookie, aren't ya?

Sounds like your H really fears a lot from how you describe his insecurity with the house. I'm sorry he got to you with repetition, even as you were listening and repeating. Did you repeat his repetition in the car? My, that sounds odd typing that.

Repetition is usually a sign the other person doesn't feel heard...it's about them, not you, when you're listening and repeating. Goes to getting what they want rather than stating what is theirs...was that your perception, as he continued saying how awful it was to him? That he wanted your agreement to fix his problem?

As for SiL...sounds like you really saw how your H reacts to your feelings...how do you feel about that? Your anxiety put pressure on him....

Good morning to your Tuesday, EO...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Thriving, hmmm, I am feeling a little raw, to be honest, but I am comforted that I am totally not alone. And amazed that I can feel a little worn and still have an evening and morning that I enjoyed.


Exactly. And in MC, last time, I stated this. That I feel like there is only one solution that we're trying, it isn't working, and I need to renegotiate. I'm NOT enthusiastic, and I'm one of the partners here.

I was doing better with the I messages. "I am frustrated that you only believe that there is one solution to this problem. I believe that there is another solution, and I am willing to discuss what that would be. I understand that this is a real problem." It helped me stay respectful, to remind myself that H is simply a man with a differnt viewpoint than I have. And H, to his credit, didn't call ME a disgrace, he said the House was a disgrace. And I shared that thought aloud, too.

I shared with him that Separate and equal helps me with that, taking on others' feelings as being about me. That I did have other options, like calling 911, and why I chose not to do that, because I chose to trust H's judgement on that one. But it helped me to be aware that I had other choioces, and wasn't trapped into taking any one, and in fact I didn't have the information to know which choice would be best.

Last night, I passed H in the hall, and he asked me if I was done being mean. I was shocked as I heard this come out of my mouth "Go f*** yourself." I haven't said anything like that in months. He said, nice, and walked away. I went in the bedroom, forgave myself, and came out, told him that I was so sorry for saying that, it is not who I am, and I am working on that. I said to him, "I am not going to let the sun set on my anger. I am not angry with you. I love you and respect you."

Next time, I'll ask him what does he mean by being mean, does he mean that I'm not willing to take ownership of what he feels when he walks in the door.

The dryer's broke, I ordered the part, and it will get here Tuesday, it was a good thing I'm caught up on laundry!

Trigger points, EO...we all have them...think back and recall from when you were small what those were...if another playmate called you mean.

Next time, don't ask him what he means...say, "You're defining me and that's abusive. Stop."

Well, you kinda said that in a AO way...lol...

Do you see how you allowed yourself to DJ just a tiny bit by coming up with an idea for what he meant? Clear those decks, EO. Clear them off completely.

I love your sense of humor...about the dryer and so many other things.

And your amends was right on, too.

Can you hear the little boy inside your H? Would you consider he desperately wants the dance to be the same because he fears the unknown? And just as desperately does not want the old dance, either?

Caught in between is a scary place to be...and it sounds like your H hates his perpetual state of fear and hates not living in it, as well. Not your stuff.

Feeling raw...what exactly does that mean to you?

LA

Thanks, LA, labelling as mean is defining. I think there was some of this in the car, too, that I didn't enforce past the first one, and there, too was that trigger for me, that I'd was acting like being on time for my friend's party was more important than holding my boundaries. I hated when my brother said I was mean, because it meant he wasn't going to play with me anymore. I guess boundary enforcement was innate to him, LOL. I wouldn't have drawn that connection if you hadn't asked though, but when you did, I went right back to that, that you had to play what the other person wanted to play, or they'd go away.

The same way as I'd told myself that I HAD to act a certain way for H, or he wouldn't keep playing, he'd go away. Which fueled my resentment and AOs, kind of backwards, huh?

I do see that in H, that he doesn't like where we're at, and doesn't want to do something else, either. And I can't judge him for that, because I was there, too. If I don't earn love, then my effort all this time was for what? That was hard to accept. It was easier to think if the other person just woke up and remembered all that I did for them, they'd love me forever, because I know I've earned it. This perspective, that someone was with me not because I'd earned it, but of their own will, was scary, because I have no control of the outcome. Which I never had before, though, either.

Feeling raw, like when you have a mosquito bite that won't stop itching, so you rub it against the carpet until the heat numbs it. So now you have an arm that feels raw, but at least you're not itching, so it is a relief. So kind of like it wasn't pleasant, but you did what you had to do.

It's been quiet this week. But I thank you all for being here last week when I needed you! The mantra/prayer has been really helping me. I am a visual person, and the visual of the Holy Spirit (I'm no theologian, so I don't know who actually does the touching, but this visual is helping me) touching H's heart with respect and love, I can almost see colored light. Maybe I'm going off the deep end, but at least I'm doing it with the serenity that I'm not alone.

Last night, H made fun of the steak salad I made, he said the beef was cheap and cooking it on the Goeorge Formean grill made it more rubbery. He said that I used to cook nice meals, why don't I ever do that anymore. Can I cook some soup tomorrow night? At least that comes out good. I didn't know what to say, is that abusive? It felt that way to me, but I didn't know, I just felt pain.

I meant to pray silently, but it came out loud, "Dear Lord, please touch H's heart to let him stop hurting me." He stopped mid-sentence. That has never happened before. He usually responds, "I had to say that/do that because look at how you..." He may have stopped because he thinks that's a nutty thing for me to say, I don't know. At that same moment, I felt healing in my own heart, that wound healed over soundly. I didn't feel wounded, no need to strike back to supress, I felt okay, like myself.

LA, I know that there are a lot of awesome tools that you've given me, like the hopper, to protect myself with, too. I have struggled with feeling that I am not consistent enough with these tools to protect myself, and protect my kids from learning by example that this is okay. My biggest obstable is myself, yes. I rarely say, "Stop, that's abusive," because I don't want to say that when the kids are present unless I know without a doubt that it is. I have struggled with this from the beginning. You gave me one hard and fast rule, if he is defining my person. Does that extend to my thoughts? My actions? Like making a steak salad?

"Ouch" has been highly ineffective for me. I understand that I don't know, but I suspect that he wishes that I feel pain. I suspect that because he justifies it by saying, "If only I didn't start it"

He apologized this morning. I know that he is starting to absorb some of all this. Meanwhile, I am thankful for these tools, and to feel that I can ask for spiritual assistance.

Also, I encourage you to check out Elaine's thread on GQII, a ton of great sharing over there that isn't labelled Separate and Equal, but gets right to the heart of it!

Crud...I just lost my post to you, EO.

Dang it! I've gotten consistent with copying before I refresh to post...and somehow, I didn't hit ctrl-c this time...guess it's going to be ctrl-x from now on...

It was just repetitive anyway...about not respecting your H's stuff separate from his actions or words...you already know...and that tracing your pain is your job...not his...and you got an apology...learned a lot from these two instances...

Junk like that.

And I don't see you being O&H...and I'm wondering about that...I believe not being O&H aloud does cause us pain, may enable our focus to shift to others from that pain, a core hurt, even...

How about back to practicing here...stating what you're feeling, thinking, believing, choosing for your perception and perspective...and when you gonna get that DJs in your mind do generate your emotions, too...and give up on any assumptions, suppositions, or thinking anything about your H's stuff, not his actions or words?

I did the listen and repeat on the steak salad conversation...wanna do it for me here?

LA

LA, I really think that I did halve the withdrawal by understanding separate and equal, that his not liking dinner doesn't mean I'm a bad cook, bad person. That and the idea of not good, or bad, just is.

I do listen and repeat, a lot, day in and day out. It's constant dissatisfaction about what I did and did not do that I hear from him. I understand that I had magnified it by using tshat reflection as a mirror, but I really feel like I've put it down. I understand that none of that defines who I am, that's it's not about me.

So my listen and repeat is, "I hear that you didn't like the steak that I bought for dinner. That you don't like how it came out. That you think a lot of what I cook doesn't come out like it used to. Good to know."

Last night, I had the opportunity to do it over. I made matzoh ball soup, his favorite, and what he'd asked for. He had to work late, and didn't call, but when I called, he said he was running late, and it was okay to feed the kids without him. I left it warm on the stove when he came in. He said it was good, but if I'd used fresh chicken instead of canned, it would've been better. I listened and repeated it to him, that the soup was good, but that it would have been better with fresh chicken.

Then I told him that I'd freshly sauteed the onions, garlic, carrots, and celery, and I thought it was good. That I've made it with fresh chicken in the past, but it's hard to get the chicken cooked through without it getting too overdone when I cook it in the soup, that's why I use the canned chicken or leftover when we have it. So, he repeated again that it would have been great with fresh chicken.

I said, I knew you were going to say something about how I should have made the soup. So, LA, I see where you're right, where I set myself up ahead of time to get let down. That its time to let go of the outcome.

I'm going to enjoy today, anyhow, go back to self care, apply to some jobs that sound exciting, and for lunch, enjoy some homemade soup.

Edited to add:

Too, I do feel that in some way that there must be something wrong with me. My H does say negative things, but really, like you said, he's a hard worker, does a lot with the kids. He has been going to MC with me and coming on Date Nights with me. He still drinks, but he hasn't been vomiting, drinking and driving with the kids, or had a bad stay-home-all-day hangover for months now. We had some really good spells, where we were really working together on parenting and other things. There's a lot of positive, yet I'm still very sad about our M. I feel like I should be feeling more grateful, and I feel inadequate that I don't.

I can understand where some of that comes from, by seeing H's opinions as my mirror I have halved the deposits and doubled the withdrawls. Is there something that you could point to and say, "see, ears, how much better this is than it was?" I think that's where I need to focus, on finding deposits, things to be grateful about.

What if...

Your H points out negatives more because he feels inferior to you? What would you feel with that thought in your head?

He did say your soup was good...I heard that. Which do you want to emphasize in your head? Good soup or fresh chicken would have made it better? How about not emphasizing either?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What about O&H? "I hear you saying that though the soup was good, it wasn't up to your liking because you believe it could have been better. I feel an ouch. I feel inadequate and a bit angry right now."

What about listen and repeat with filter? This isn't you attacking...more like, truly saying what you heard, how it came in...which is like teamwork...not him fixing (not stating his opinion) and not you fixing...examining what is, together?

Can you see where your own choice to listen and repeat is a step...and there's another one? Not because it doesn't work...doesn't get everything fixed...because it is going towards highest honesty and more intimacy...you move up!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Can aid you more in seeing others as mirrors...because it's so complicated sneaky, that ferreting out all of it takes time, consistency and patience...WITH YOURSELF!!

I don't see you needing to coach yourself...another kind of measuring, maybe? Proving your progress? What about you...and how very differently you believe, behave and feel than last year at this time? Or do you?

You know, resentment was a way of life for me...I really had withdrawals when I stopped creating resentment...felt unnatural, which gave me that up-ended feeling, too...which went away as I stuck to what I believed...living from my chosen beliefs was really foreign to me, too.

Like acclimating to ourselves?

Why would you choose to believe there is anything wrong with you? Are you having difficulty separating your essence from your actions (or reactions)?

Gosh, you are stunningly human, EO...a blessing to everyone who reads, knows, sees and hears your truth...whether you choose to believe that or not...you are...

I should know.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

ok, maybe this is where I still need a lot of help, but the first thing I thought of when I read the steak salad is, if he doesn't like it, he is more than welcome to cook for himself. When he complained the next night, that really stood out to me. Let him cook his own food. Might be an LB. I know some families that kinda work out if someone complains then they cook the next meal. Is that something that could work for you?(((EO))))

More empathetic, but at the same time, I don't think it's likely that I'm going to be able to dig that deep with listen and repeat. I need something deeper to pick his brain with. Time to negotiate for those communication exercises, I think.

Listen and repeat with filter, I think I'm ready for that.

"What about you...and how very differently you believe, behave and feel than last year at this time? Or do you?"

Absolutely, I do feel better about a lot of things. I went from no hobbies and pasttimes to a few that I really enjoy - bible study, Alanon, piano, singing. I've gotten closer to some friends, and parenting has gotten easier and even more fun. I found a small group home-based bible study twice a month that I go to for the first time tonight. Please know I don't want to push spirituality on anyone else, but it's been a real source of strength and connection.

MOS opened my eyes today that I've got a ways to go with POJA, and and by following Elaine's posts back to the PA thread, I realized that I was expressing some PA. I am working through that. Now I can allow myself to do something that was SD'd if it was something that I'd already wanted to do, instead of not doing it even if I wanted to.

I think I can forgive myself for feeling less than grateful, like you said, take some time to acclimate. And thank you for the kind words, you're an inspiration to me, too!

BTE, that's a great point. It would take a lot of relaxing of control for me to suggest that whoever doesn't like dinner to go make their own. When my teenage sister came to stay with us the summer before last, she used to do that and I totally took that as my failure to think of something evveryone liked. Then I talked to my mom, who is an awesome cook, and she said that my sister did that at her house too, and I got that it was not about my cooking LOL. But I tihnk I can do that.

In MC, one of the things H asked was for me to cook more often, and it made me think of the expression, "You can tell someone what you want done, or how to do it, but not both." I think we'll have a family meeting tomorrow and talk about it; I think your solution is a good suggestion. I'd been wanting to discuss that anyhow, because my D10 wants to start cooking sometimes, too, I just keep forgetting to give her a day, so when she asks, what I have thawed is not what she wants to learn how to cook.

I went down to the school board today. Now to volunteer at the school, you need to have fingerprints done, and while I was there I picked up the job listing. Three schools in my county need computer teachers! I think that would be great to look into!

Hi EO!

You know, I'm with BTE -- I think I would have suggested that my H do the cooking himself (or I might have even told him to go f*** himself!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, though, I am working on getting to a place where I don't take things like that personally -- if H says he doesn't like something, I want to be able to find a way to work with him to find a solution we're both happy with (rather than getting offended that he didn't like it, which has been my habit in the past!).

For example, I made him a sandwich the other day for his lunch (first time I'd done that for him since .. well, I think since we've been married!). And he liked the sandwich, but when I was making his lunch for the next day, he asked me to use a different kind of mustard. Not too long ago, I would have been embarrassed for having used the "wrong" mustard -- and taken it out on him by acting offended that he didn't like my sandwich. This time, I just used the other mustard.

Sounds like such a small thing, doesn't it? But it was really huge for me. Now, if I'd gone to all the trouble to cook an entire meal, and he said something snarky about it, well, I think I would have been pretty mad. LOL. I'm not that far along yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have you checked into the computer teacher jobs? Sounds like a great fit for you!

Hope all is well with you,
HTBH

Well, I wasn't able to POJA the teaching positions, H says that we put too much into the Software Engineering already, moving to Minnesota for 3 years before we came back. That's okay for now, I found that the school board is looking for programmers, too, so I'm applying for that, and I've been working with a recruiter on another position, too. I also got involved with the local unemployed services, and have applied for some positions I found listed there, too. I am feeling hopeful on the job front, and there are 3 job fairs in the area the first week of November, too.

I have been really grateful that I've been able to stay so connected spiritually and making more connections in the community, like volunteering at the girls' school, and getting more involved in church, without taking away from our time in the evenings.

The PA thread really opened my eyes to my own PA that came out as depression. So the last two weeks, I've been really successful in tackling a lot of things that I've neglected on the to do list, like getting repairs that we've needed for some time (since Hurrican Wilma a year ago). It's given H a lot more things to find fault with, unfortunately, but it is a good opportunity for me to stay focused with I messages. Part of me feels like we're headed for a real tumble here, or maybe I just am more capable of noticing it instead of staying stuck in denial of how bad it is. But I do feel ready for whatever's next.

I have to say that I respect H a huge way lot more, even though I had thought I was already respecting him plenty all along. I finally understand what pieta's been saying all along about respecting your spouse like a normal person who will respond to normal requests, praise, respect.

I do understand that it's not about me, and I understand that when things are not what you expected, it's hard to adjust. I think because I'm more capable, his expectations went way up, more than what I've been able to keep up with. That's okay, separate and equal, I'm very happy with what I've been able to get done!

Sounds like you have some good things working on the job front!

What PA thread is it that you're reading? I'm feeling sort of out of the loop, I haven't been able to keep up with MB as much the last week or so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

The PA thread is in Infidelity->In Recovery. It's a long long thread, so pace yourself, and much of the meat is repeated around page 51. I think I said that wrong, I don't think that I'm PA, but I think that my depresssion would have the look and feel of it to H.

Tonight was so hard, I just keep "losing it." Just crying, crying, I don't feel peaceful or joyous. I have a hurting heart. I just want to feel loved, to be held close, to be touched with a tender touch by my H. There is nothing on earth that would inspire him to look at me this way tonight. I tried to think of pieta, how she held her husband when he was angry. My H loathes my hugs, my touch. It isn't about me, I know.

I left the house after dinner, my progressive boundary enforcement, and waited for an Alanon meeting at 8:30. I am very lucky to live where I do, there are multiple meetings every day and night within a 30 minute drive. I talked on the phone to my sponsor and a good friend before, and again to another good friend and my sponsor again after. In my meeting, I just listened and cried. Some others thanked me for what I shared, that I'm working on getting my focus back on me, and leave everyone lse to their Higher Power. My sponsor says that I need to allow myself to fall apart more, if that is my truth.

H is angry that he feels we got cheated yesterday when I called the electrician. It was a total of $600 to replace the bathroom ventillation fan and the switch that went to it. He took the old fan to Home Depot, and it costs $25 there, and the sales guy told H we were robbed. He told me to call the state attorney's office, the Better Business Bureau, and the police to report that we were robbed. I'm not willing, and he resents me, because I'm "home all day," and he is busy at work, and I am "forcing him" to do this. He says he is no longer willing to go to the MC, since I am not willing to do this that he wants. I feel totally battered, that again I am stuck without his love. I am repeating all this that I learned in my head, separate and equal, that God's grace is sufficient, that I am complete and whole. I pray that I will be able to fall asleep tonight, and wake up feeling full of gratitude for my blessings, my kids, my health. But tonight, my heart hurts.

(((((((((((((EO)))))))))))))

P/A is a behavior, not a person.

Your H's criticism is wearing you down...do you have an expectation of pleasing him, which is adding to your pain? Are you stating your truth? "I hear that as criticism."

When your focus slips away from you, you will experience great longing, depression, pain...

When you bring it back, on you, it is an act of love and you will feel loved, cared for, embraced.

I know you want it from the outside...I remember...I know how badly it hurts...this isn't the cure all...nor are you the cause...this is you getting closer to you, I promise.

And look at your self-care...going where others embrace themselves and each other, too...and love from choice, before they even know you...before you come through the door...remarkable and wonderful act of self care, EO.

You're doing that. You're choosing that.

Your H pulled a P/A behavior on you about the fan. State your truth...one does not equate the other. Call him on his behavior...you are being passive aggressive...you are saying you won't work on our marriage because I do not believe in calling the electrician we agreed to hire. I am accepting the consequences of our agreement. Not what I expected or desired. I am not going to fight them for you. I know you can do that yourself. I know you get what you want and don't let anything stop you. If you choose to end MC, that is your choice. I know I can't make you choose anything you do not want to do.

That's your truth, EO...worth stating, knowing. "I feel battered again and powerless right now."

I feel your heart hurt...I do. That's yours and it's real. Enforce your boundaries. Your choice is not destructive or wrong. Respect YOURSELF, EO. You're worth it.

Trace your hurt...a healthy diversion.

In your corner, relentlessly...

LA

Thanks, LA. I finally have been able to stop crying, for a half an hour now, that's good! Actually, I got called from a recruiter about a great job, is that weird that I could be so despondent and then feel close to normal again? I guess not good or bad, just is, right? Another poster told me last week about positive energy, maybe it's something like that, that this guy's huge enthusiasm about my credentials, the positive energy he sent, is helping me.

I went to the MC, and he feels that we were robbed, and that it's a reasonable expectation that I follow up, since I have the time. I explained how I am not ready for all that confrontation, that I am happy with what I have set out for me today. So he said he understood, that to me this is the heavy lifting, something that needs to wait for H to get home about.

He said further that it's not reasonable for me to think it abusive that H gets so mad and stays so mad, that it is reasonable for him to get mad.

I taked to H, asked him to follow up as he sees fit, and used the analogy of lifting a 100 pound weight. He said that he would follow up. I told him that I am so empty, that could he please help me with that? He said that he doesn't see it the same way I do, and that if I'm this unhappy, maybe we should split up. I told him, I don't want to split up, I just want to feel loved, to be held. And my heart hurt because I know that I don't have the power to make that happen.

I do feel more capable to put that away now. To focus on self-care and connection in other areas.

Thanks for being in my corner!

EO,

Lemme get this right...

"He said further that it's not reasonable for me to think it abusive that H gets so mad and stays so mad, that it is reasonable for him to get mad."

Your MC said it is reasonable for your H to ACT OUT his anger? Or to feel anger? See, what he does with that anger is the abusive part, not having it. You know that. Did you slap your MC?

Because if this is what he's saying, then you can! How lovely.

Review AO's...raising of voice, violent body language, pointing finger, severe facial contortions while looking directly into your eyes...NOT saying, "I feel very angry right now."

That's acting out...like children...before we had language. We have language.

What did MC say about his negative comments?

You are not so empty, EO. You can feel empty and be abundantly full. That's yours. Stating, "I want affection in our marriage...I want it in words and touch." If he doesn't see it that way..."That's not what I want."

"I understand that. I am asking for a compromise, something which we will both enjoy. Where we can both feel loved."

My DH and I agreed to a kiss hello, a kiss goodbye and a kiss goodnight every day. At first, he felt it controlling, did it anyway. Then he got to like it...as routines are won't to do...be open for change, EO. It does happen.

Let's talk about being held...what this represents to you, which ENs...because he is holding you through FS...he is holding you through his presence...let's take a look at all the ways you are being held...where you are not alone...

God holds you in his hands...you've invited many new people into your life to bring you love...MB, Al-Anon...a new work environment coming up...if you aren't looking at the ways you truly are being loved, appreciated and accepted, then you will not feel loved in your lifetime. Your choice.

I know I was focused, nay, obsessed with wanting love in a certain way, at a certain time, with certain words...or I didn't feel it. The love exampled to me was like this growing up...very narrow...the road to ****** and damage was wide...to feel loved, very, very narrow.

This isn't you replacing your ENs, taking them away from H...this is you getting to the nitty gritty of your ENs, really seeing them for what they are...and I was stunned that the ENs I put as my lowest needs were the very best met...and envisioned them not being met, saw them pop to the top of the chart like a rocket...especially FS. Huge fear for me.

In review, back in 1999, my DH was fired from a company he'd worked for 15 years...and was devastated. God's hands, EO, I'm telling you...so happened I had the best job of my life, only six months into it when this happened, and I held my fear and acted my love with empathy, no pressure, reassurance...piece of cake. To this day my DH recalls that as a huge love deposit...he feared me imploding with anger, pain, disappointment, and degrading him. Didn't happen.

What we don't do when someone expects can count as much as when we do when they don't.

In reviewing your stuff...don't compare to others..."Well, at least he isn't a crack addict" kinda thing. Compare what he does with what you need...after looking at all the ENs you are not craving first. And then look at just who he really is...

The split if you dont' like is a natural P/A behavior...if your MC isn't getting your marital communication skills advanced, find another one. Hearing what your H is really saying, him communicating what he's feeling...reacting to...is crucial to your feeling empty of filled. You can only do half.

I really feel you're very close to where I was three years ago...but you have obtained so much information I didn't...you've asked and received what you need, I just know it...to not make those same choices I did.

And if you have an "if only" made-up man in your head, ditch him. This is the image you had since girlhood, and like a ghost...he gets more solid with each, "If only H would do this or say this"...dangerous to ourselves...false self-comfort.

I may be so far off, EO...hope you know that my heart is with you...and as for despondent to feeling much better in 0-60 seconds, well, that's what meeting our ENs does...you got a big dose of validation, interest, attention and took it as admiration because the recruiter called about a great job that he/she believes you'd be great for. Your belief in YOURSELF went way up...so your emotions changed. And yes, they change that fast...they are information...emotional superhighway...data transfer speeds up to instanteous nanoseconds...

And that's not bad or good or anything. That is how we work and you're paying GREAT attention to what you feel, which is more marvelous self-care...self-awareness.

You go, girl!!

LA