Big congrats on the self-care and the three pounds...

{{{EO!}}}

Tell me your steps to seeking to understand...it's parts.

And big kudos on the office party conversation...realizing I used others to process, exclusively, what was mine was BIG for me...rather than to share what I'd decided...at the end.

Again...extremes are the signal...to go from processing entirely outside yourself to solely within...there's the middle ground. Choosing our partner as our external source for sharing strengthens our partnership. Great example of that in the car.

Thinking of you,

LA

What a whirlwind week. We had the memorial service Tuesday, and I gave the eulogy. It was a very small, family and close friends service, but every single person we invited, 18 people, came, and no one was dry-eyed. And I could truly feel her presence.

We are going up to Orlando next week, and as always, I asked H if we could stop on the way and see my Grandpa on the way up, who's health has deteriorated. This time, he said yes, for the first time. It feels awful that H missed out on seeing his mom more, and my family benefits from the wake-up call. Better late than never, but I still need to think about it more so I can accept what is.

Seeking to understand, it sounds like there's something that I didn't get before that you're ready to share with me? To me, seek to understand is that once I have really heard, then there is no DJ, I can see how someone came to their conclusion. And it wasn't for the worst reason in the bunch. It's very reassuring to see that pattern, again and again, that once I understand why, it makes sense.

And you're totally right, that as we are more safe to share with each other, we will strengthen out connection further. Even with no physical affection for a few weeks now, because H has been very ill, I feel very intimate and connected with him.

Finally things settled down to where I took the time to fill out H's LB questionnaire. It was all stuff that I already had identified, but still, I think it was agood exercise. THne, I explained to H that I filled it out for him, because Dr. Harley had asked me to, to see if I was on target. He said he'll take a look at it.

I haven't been writing as much because I am not feeling as confused as I did. There are good days, and bad days, but I am getting consistent on a lot of fronts, listening and repeating instead of getting entangled in disagreements, accepting that H thinks and feels differently that I do, instead of judging him. Having tools to regain serenity on the bad days.

The new job has been going really well, too. I have gotten into a groove with my exercise plan and eating better, too. I have also been working with the girls to enable them to find their own voices, their I messages, and protecting them where needed.

I know that there are still areas where I need to focus on, I'm trying to build small, get consistent, and add on from there. I look forward especially to having UA time again, that would be fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> In the meantime, I am enjoying the blessings of what is, here today.

Great to hear from you, EO...

I love your posts about you and those to others here whom you help.

I think you're really understanding this is a process...love your self-care and awareness.

I especially appreciate hearing you say that the reason you haven't been posting on your thread as much is because you are more clear, getting that clarity...so when I don't see you post, I won't DJ you into thinking you're hiding.

You're shining!

Didn't even know I was thinking that until you shared your truth.

See how you ripple all over?

Make the UA time...whether he participates or not...you can always give it to yourself, UA, if he doesn't.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You're worth it. I love seeing you KNOW you're worth it.

Thank you for being who you are and sharing yourself. I know I benefit and believe so many others do as well.

LA

Wow, LA, thanks for the compliment! And I love the suggestion about the UA time. That's really what I've done. Like another poster described. I make my own UA time, and that's fun, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really thrive being with others, so alone time didn't come naturally to me. But being back at work and keeping up with meetings and family and friends, I don't need to turn to H to fill that when he's not ready or feeling safe to.

Feeling more empowered, I've had an easier time with my AOs than ever. Even on the hard days. This is very encouraging to me. H, too, is making strides acknowledging his LBs and saying that he is someone wo is not going to do that. That was key for me, and I think it will help him, too.

We do still have some issues to work through, but more and more I believe we can. The lesson I've really gotten lately is that while I can choose to walk away from the negotiating table today, we still need to find agreements that we are both enthusiastic about. So if I choose to settle for status quo, I need to check my motive, whether I really am happy with status quo, or need to keep searching for a solution.

Another hard, hard day. My good friend's father passed away the day after Christmas, and the funeral was last night. I'm doing a mental gratitude list, thinking of the Serenity Prayer, and self-care, trying to stay in the present. It's hard, I feel like my thoughts are scattered everywhere.

LA, I think you suggested to another poster recently how she was processing another's pain as if it was her own to process. That is what I'm having trouble with. I wasn't close to my friend's dad, I didn't know that he'd moved down to my area 3 years ago, that he'd had a double bypass after Thanksgiving. Had I known, I would have gone to visit, and brought my friend, who has no car and didn't visit him. What do you do when you recognize that you are absorbing another's pain? It would be loving detachment, right? I don't know why this is so hard for me.

My struggle is wounding my H. He asked me to stop talking about it. The details are almost all way way too similar to his mom's passing. I keep forgetting that, and bringing it up. FInally, today, I got an outbound hopper going, and didn't injure him any further.

I thought of Tama, today. H is working out of town this week, and he called to talk to me, and didn't ask to talk to the girls. D10, not hearing that he'd called, left him a voice mail, and he called back to talk to them. I wonder if that would work for Tama's girls, if they would want to call him to let him know they're thinking about them?

I wish Happy was here, I'd love a hug!

((((((((EO))))))))

I'm not Happy but how's that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Could you be grieveing something else...perhaps an underlying issue...something that you did not get a chance to grieve or felt like you could not grieve and this is giving you the outlet that you need to do so...

Just a reminder, but you know that we can feel like something and know that it's not so...

I can feel like the world is on my shoulders and know that it's not...I say this in response to your comment about your scared thoughts...you sound very centered to me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Do you really feel that you are absorbing another's pain? I think that should you find the answers to this questions, you may have a better understanding of yourself...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just my hopper thinking today! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How about another hug... ((((AO))))

I've missed you BTW...I know we haven't talked much but you have wonderful insight...I agree with LA!

(((Rinder))) Thanks for the hugs! Absorbing my friend's pain, that is what it felt like. But I think you are right, that really I was connecting to my own core hurt. My MIL passed away a few weeks ago, and there were just so many similarities there, how it all played out, how my friend didn't get to say goodbye before he passed. She shared how she felt like a victim of her stepmother, who denied her information, and I immediately stabbed myself with that, for not taking more initiative to own my choices with my MIL. But for the most part, I was really good at staying present, it made me really thankful for my program.

To make amends to myself, I took the kids for a long walk tonight. Everyone's Christmas lights are still out, it was great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I took the girls to visit my grandpa this weekend, who is under hospice care, and that helped, knowing that he enjoyed our visit.

I did feel better after posting. I felt like cleansed, if that makes sense.

Good to see from your tag line that you're in recovery, Rin. You are a great example to me, being who you are no matter what is going on around you.

Did I hear that someone around here needs a hug?!?!

((((EO))))

I've missed you! I've still been lurking, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I was so glad to read you are feeling more clear about things, and then sad to log in tonight and see that yesterday was a hard day. And then glad again that you are feeling better after walking with the girls and going to visit your grandpa.

(((EO)))

And here's one for Rin, too! (((Rin)))

Aw, shucks, let's make it a GROUP HUG!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You guys are the GREATEST!

Hugs,
Happy

Happy, great to see you! Don't worry, I'm not stepping back on the merry-go-round or roller coaster again, just maybe a little impatient with myself absorbing some blows. Ready to get back to that feeling of serenity LOL. I identified my payoff, too. If I hold the belief that I can know what I don't know, I can protect myself from it. Reality, though, is that I only have part of the story. I can aspire to more connection with loved ones, though. I had isolated a bit this past year, withdrawing from situations that I wasn't sure I knew how to be safe in, but I don't have to judge myself for that. I am glad that I can protect myself. Just passing that pole again on my way up the staircase.

And I do feel more confidence to negotiate win-win solutions to be with family members when I feel I need to. And ESPECIALLY accept that I have the choice not to, as well. That doesn't make me ANY less whole or complete or wonderfully made <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> A human being, not a human doing. Separate and equal.

I am powerless over other people, places, and things. When I first heard that, I didn't get the places and things part. But now I can include heart conditions as one of the things that I have no control about. I do have control over my presence. And even though H asked me not to physically travel to see MiL, I chose not to call MiL on my own, just speaking to her when H was already on the phone with her. He called her daily, but I spoke to her less than once a week. And before she moved to Indiana, I did get to see her every week. Entirely withing my control, my hoop. No victims here. I can own that, make amends, do better, instead of focusing on where I had no control. I really do believe that she forgives me, too.

(((GROUP HUG))) I agree, you guys truly are the greatest! And I'm really happy, too, to think that we are able to share this part of ourselves with our spouses, too, to be a soft place for them to fall, without secretly on the inside judging them.

((((((GROUP HUG)))))))

WOW, that felt good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Glad to hear that you are doing better...

My Grandpa passed a week before D-day...I was close to him and I didn't get a chance to deal with his death before having to deal with FWH's A.

I'm still coming to terms with that now...remembering the good things...the morals that he taught me...trying to incorporate the things I loved best about his personality into my own life...he was my lighthouse...

He was very thankful and knew that he was blessed...attended church...

When I was little he would read the bible to me at night... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ...we would pray together...

So, since my lifestyle change...LOL...I've incorporated family pray...sometimes it's just me and the boys...but sometimes FWH will get in there with us...

In essence, I think that his passing was the right time in my life...LOL...You know God and his plan...

LOL...perfect to teach me what I needed with my program, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love you guys...wonderful creatures that you are!

Rinder, I'm sorry to hear about your Grandpa. My Grandma was like a lighthouse, too. It is amazing to me how God is able to take so many sad things and use them for good, anyhow. A supreme lighthouse who we can see making lemonade from all th lemons.

Thought I would stop by and add hugs of my own
((((group hug))))

BTE, good to see you! Thanks for the hugs! Right back at you! ((((BTE))))

La, I followed your suggestion, and scheduled UA time for myself alone last week. It was actually really easy, because I spend over 2 hours in the car a day, and have music and CDs that I like to listen to for RC. One of them is the CD my voice teacher gave me, and I can hear a big difference in my singing already, I am getting good with vibrato and my range is widening. My piano practice was also really relaxing. And even on the weekend, no one complained when I took some time by myself.

I was sick last week, but better this week, so exercise is some fun RC that I'm looking forward to getting back into this week.

This UA mindset also helped me recognize that H and I were spending more of it together than I'd realized. He was working of town last week, but back for the weekend, and I'm glad that we were able to enjoy our time together.

Oh, man, anyone around? I'm just reeling. I came home to a message from MiL's neice, that MiL's sister just passed away at 88, of congestive heart failure, which is the same thing my MiL died of. I never spoke to her on the phone until just after MiL died, we were planning on meeting her for the first time when we went up to their hometown next weekend for the funeral.

I spoke to H for just a minute before his cell died. He's out of town on business this week. I am so sad for him, so sorry he has to face this alone like this. He was looking forward to seeing his aunt again.

I was cross with the kids tonight. They were giggling about a joke they were sharing, and I said, guys, could you all just stop giggling tonight? Just stop, no more laughing tonight. They didn't really know what to do. This was someone they never met, and not like them to just be serious. D10 hugged me, and started telling me what she's grateful for to cheer me up.

I thought of what LA said about how our parents burdened us with their pain, their grown up issues, and I saw clearly how I have done that and did that tonight with D10. So I left them alone to resume their giggling.

This, too shall pass, right? I'm doing a mental gratitude list, and feeling a little better. I still feel disconnected from H, though, so sorry he has to face this alone.

{{{{{EO}}}}}}

Wow, when it rains, it pours, huh? I don't know if God is highlighting our need to be great at grieving or what...

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL's sister. I just returned from 10 days with my father...in my mother's house...and it helped tremendously with my grieving...and my dad doing much better. My best friend, however, passed away on 1/2...so there's more for me, too.

I'm right there with you, honey. Did you catch how great you were tonight? You recognized what you were doing and why...and you changed your actions. I've been in your shoes and understand...and did what you did. Only I didn't catch back then...I burdened. I somehow was trying to have them protect me from something...my somber heart had to be theirs...and because you shared, I know to review that with my sons soon...to own and apologize...years after the fact.

Twice you said your H is facing this alone...because he's out of town...not in your presence. Your presence isn't just physical, EO...your voice, written words...all connections contain presence. Support. Spirit. He's not facing anything alone...might be his perception--doesn't have to be the one you choose.

What a great DD10 you have...sharing her gratitude with you...helped your catch and added to you. As you add to her growth. You got some awesome mutuality going on with your kids, EO. Fantastic, loving choices. Acts of love...and they go in both directions, don't they?

So now I'm happy that I couldn't sleep, so I could read your post and respond. I want to share that I enjoyed my stay with my dad...all those fears I had evaporated...gone...not realized at all. And I got to see his heart.

Uhm, literally. I was present for his echo-cardiogram...which is ultrasound, high definition...though he doesn't get the results until next week from the doc...I got to see my father's heart. I think that's really special. And I saw her measure the inside of my father's heart. LOL.

Now I'm back home and my DH met me at the airport...waited an hour and a half for my delayed flight...I couldn't stop kissing him...and he laughed and laughed...such joy. Look forward to your DH's homecoming, EO...reconnecting is terrific, too. Not alone. You are married...he is married...you are in everything together...and you can choose to believe that all works together for good...has benefit...and we'll see it when we can, if our hearts and minds are open to it.

LA

Hi EO,

So sorry I missed you last night!

First things first: here's a huge hug for you!! (((((EO)))))

And also for Rin and BTE and LA -- another (((GROUP HUG)))

EO, I hardly even know what to say, except I'm so glad you are sharing, and I find you such an incredible inspiration. Really truly really.

How are you doing today, my dear?

LA, it's good to see you too! I've been thinking about you and your dad. So glad to hear he's doing better! About seeing his heart.. I did that with my H this fall. We went to the ER a few months back because his heart was racing, and they hooked him up to the EKG machine and I was able to watch it (for HOURS. We were there a long time). It was pretty strange to be watching the little graph and know it was his heart beating! Fortunately, my anatomy class had just covered EKGs, so I could read it well enough to know it was basically normal. And he's fine now, everything checked out OK, but it sure made me feel better to see the graph and know there wasn't anything too strange about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hugs all around,
Happy

LA, Happy, I thank you both so much for your presence here. And you are so right LA, presence is not just physical, I did feel comforted by you all even before I read that you'd responded.

The same way, H has a higher power , and is capable of seeking support when and how he chooses. I realize now that it was a DJ of me to think that if I cannot reach him, that results in him being alone and unsupported. He had many options. I talked to him in the morning, and was reassured that he was just fine. It was a powerful reminder to me that he is capable and responsible of managing his own thoughts and actions, I had taken that burden off already. I am picturing lifting that burden off of my shoulders again and putting it back at his feet, to pick up or not as he chooses. I look forward to sharing that with him, I find that stuff fascinating, how easy it is to want to shoulder someone's burdens, even when we respect them enough to know they can shoulder them.

That is so cool to hear about how you both are finding joy connecting with your Dads. I look forward to getting there, too.

I'd typed up a long post, only to lose it, even after I'd copied it to the clipboard. Maybe I'd gone into too much detail <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyhow, tonight H threw D10 again. They all acted fine within an hour, unlike last time, but I think the time for the family therapy, like LA suggested, is sooner rather than later. I am so sick of this stuff, especially the drinking, and the "isms" that go with it, like denial, all around.

I think making amends to D10 on my part this time goes beyond just blank assurances that I will protect her.