Got new floors...sounds like you have new ground to stand on!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow...you got to where you knew you feared a lot...which is a fearful discovery.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And you saw where a lot of your pain was coming from giving away your power...and you spoke of it! Ohmygosh, EO...way to go.

Humungous kudos, dear friend.

Sounds like beneath all of those other fears was the fear of abandonment...even from coworkers, friends, others...which is why we choose to give our power away...

To make them want to stay.

Instead of realizing, as you did, they choose to stay, anyway.

One way, we're scrambling to stay chosen...so we miss, we are...for who we are...not in our control...and the other way we KNOW we are all in this family together...by choice. Sharing a lot of fear, and coming from love.

Great insight at the reunion, too. Your H's involvement with you and the kids...everything...can be seen in a new light...and going back to your grandparents, too, you may see patterns of fear-based choices...and know you have broken the cycle.

How often do you say, when your H shares with you, "I feel flooded right now. I feel defensive and I want to really hear what you're saying. I'll be back in ten minutes"?

And you go in your room and take deep breaths, hug yourself, and find where your habit (that's all it really is) to hear what others are feeling is your fault, you're the cause, is kicking your own tushie? When you feel his anxiety as yours...it still isn't. Highest honesty is sharing when you are taking what isn't yours...and not bashing yourself for taking it in...acknowledging. Be free enough to share to this level.

And I know you feel much freer now with listen and repeat. Next step is listen and repeat with filter...exposing your own filter...with the safeguard that you can disengage for a few moments after stating your filter.

And all this increases intimacy...doesn't rock the boat, harm others or fail anyone.

And it will lessen your fears.

Which is why you still take on as cause and cure.

Unlooping yourself.

Are you feeling loved more?

LA

LA, thanks for putting words to how I've been feeling, realizing that these folks will be here, anyway. That I don't need to bend my code to keep them here.

"How often do you say, when your H shares with you, "I feel flooded right now. I feel defensive and I want to really hear what you're saying. I'll be back in ten minutes"?"
I ahve been saying something like this more. Usually, I am gettng on my shoes to head out the door when I say this, to make sure I can get a few minutes to recenter before I come back. I know I'll get to the point where I can do this in another room in the house, but right now, walking fast really helps me with that flooded feeling.

That's a good question, am I feeling loved more. I am, but not really from H right now. There is still a distance there. It does feel less and less about me, but it doesn't feel like more closeness right now, either. For a number of reasons, including the work we were doing on the house, we haven't slept all night together or been physically intimate in a couple of weeks. But I don't feel an empty hole where I usually do when that happens. I feel securre that things will settle back down again.

I did talk to him, this mornng, that I do feel loved and happy, but that I'm missing the physical intimacy between us, and some kind words would go a long way for me to feel connected again. He said okay, so I added the kinds of things I love to hear, like "you are so special to me." He said, yep, you are! brightly as if that's what I was asking for, which wasn't what I was asking for. So I took it a step further, and asked him if he would add eye contact to that, and then, in that moment, I felt some connection again.

I messed up tonight. I feel like the right thing to do is apologize, so I did, but it feels dishonest to me. I guess I just need to give it time to sink in.

D5 has been locking her door, like when she's supposed to pick up somehting or brush her teeth before bed. Not often, but like once every few weeks. Usually, I tell her I'm counting to 3 and then I'm taking her doorknob off for a week, but she unlocks the door before I get to 3. I'm not angry, I see why she does it, but it just seems like a logical consequence to me.

Tonight, she spit on the floor in the dining room. She said she spit on the floor because she's seen her sister do that outside. I told her to get a paper towel and clean it, and she ran to her room to lock it. I told her she can go to her room AFTER she cleans it up. I count to 3, and she didn't unlock it, so I went downstairs to get a screwdriver.

H gets really upset, this is a big trigger for him. He says we are not like my FOO who ruin their house like this by having doors with no doorknobs. I tell have no intent to leave the door like that, that it will just be for one week, and I'll put it back. He doesn't think I know how to do this, put the doorknob back on. I reminded him that I'm the one who replaced the doorknob downstairs when it needed that, but it doesn't sound like H remembers that. I tell him he can stand there as long as he wants, I can go do it later.

He reminds me that I've said that I've said we're not going to do something that the other one has said no to. I said that he doesn't live by that standard, and that I'm done dealing with the locked doorknob. He doesn't have another solution. That when he does, I'll put the doorknob back on, and either way, tomorrow I'll stop on my way home from work to get a doorknob that doesn't lock.

I do feel sorry that I caused him discomfort. But I don't feel sorry that I didn't listen to him. And I think that I kind of should.

EO,

This was a POJA moment...and what I didn't hear you doing was listening and repeating, "I hear this is a FOO trigger for you. I hear you fear the way our home looks to others, that it represents a lot of the stuff you experienced as a child, am I getting this correct?"

This is an act of intimacy in conflict...and you're ready for it, EO. You really are.

Because what was beneath his non-enthusiasm was important...

Also, to discern, as you assumed, his objection came from his jumping into the future, making it seem permanent, instead of temporary.

You could have POJA'd the length of time to leave the doorknob off. And also, why not just have changed it to non-locking the first time she did this?

Just me...We don't have locking doors...heck, I don't even lock our main doors.

Anyway...POJAing length of time can help...acknowledging it's a trigger (things in his childhood which were supposed to be temporary, "just for now" became permanent...which is betrayal to him...

"I hear you agreeing to me removing the doorknob and your concern is if I will know how to do it, harm the woodwork? I'm unclear on what you're feeling. I agree, there is a possibility I might...I'll make sure to put on the new doorknob when I'm not tense or stressed."

About the beginning incident...when you asked DD5 why she chose to do that and she said she saw her sister do it, get to the next thing behind the thing..."When you saw your sister do this outside, why do you think she did it?"

Difficult stuff for a five-year-old...however, in retrospect, I wish I had not discounted asking my kids these questions at any age...

Again, the chance to know what's being felt, thought, believed...is priceless. You may get an answer...and validate she can feel angry, ignored, invisible, in control...out of control...and she can state it, not demonstrate it.

Remember being kids...getting into a mindset so far from what was happening right then ('cuz it was boring to you) that you do stuff and you can't believe you just did it?

Running to her room to lock the door is a symbol...could be mortification of what she did, anger from hearing she's bad (doesn't mean you're saying it)...wishful child in us wants a do-over, not to clean it up (makes it real, and really ours).

I understand the boundary enforcements...I believe they are loving...what I want to hear is DD5 being heard, does that make sense?

Would you consider getting doorknobs for all children's rooms, closets, etc. that don't lock? Only lock in the house goes on parents' bedroom door. See, then there's a broader consequence, set to principle, not blame on DD5...her being the cause, etc. (Not you doing this...her feeling this, possibly.)

Talking about privacy issues with your H...finding out because you really listen...what he thinks, if it's changed, where it comes from...and sharing your own...if you've changed your boundary on private space, age-appropriate space...whatever is now in your head.

Bonds maritally, parentally...I promise. Good stuff in conflict...and huge kudos on our solutions, not-reacting...and honor his discomfort by acknowledging and understanding...not acting from to solve...deeply appreciative to KNOW.

Listen more, react less.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Btw, there's commercial for Home Depot (I think) that a couple is asking for new floors but not the glue kind, because their labradoole is sensitive to adherents...and I think of you...each time.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Would this make you glued to the place?

Stuck in place?

Gosh, I haven't punned in awhile and I think I'm losing my edge at ridiculously pressing my point.

Great to see you...great to know you, EO.

LA

I dont know the whole history of why you put locking door knobs on the interior of your home but I must tell you it is not safe.

In a fire, etc, or if the person locks a baby in the locked room by mistake it can be a disaster. I am a landlady and our state prohibits "locked interior doorknobs" for rentals for liability and safety reasons.

I suggest you buy nice non-locking doorknobs and install them in your home so that people can "knock before entering a room that is occupied" and LEARN to be polite instead of using "locked knobs" as power issues. YOU are the parent, YOU can replace her knob with a much safer, "non locking" one in 14 or 15 minutes.

I see the other poster also suggested non locking knobs. Believe me you will have much less door damage with the non locking knobs. I have had issues with my tenants putting locking doorknobs in the home and then locking babies in there or losing the key and calling me in the middle of the night like I can do anything about it! I ahve drilled many a locked knob off there.

Putting locking knobs on interior doors is trashy and causes much door damage and many power issues with all concerned. Get them off of there for safety if nothing else!

Stella, you are so right about replacing all the doorknobs. This is how the house came. But it wouldn't be a big investment to set that straight.

H has recovered, he said it's fine to leave it off until Friday. But I really like the idea of coming together and making a choice instead of just leaving it how it was.

LA, I think it's so cool that you can see in that conflict a way to build intimacy, even at that moment. And listening and repeating with my kids, too. I see that I have hid behind a locked door when the kids are yelling for me, not because I needed privacy, but because it was easier to lock the door than follow through with explaining that I need to rest for a few minutes. Not often at all, but enough that D5 sees that as easier to get away that way, too.

Thank you both so much for being here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok, we worked it out, we're going to switch the doorknobs.

I regret breaking POJA over something like this, where no one was at risk of harm or anything. H's offer was that I get the doorknob first before I took this one off. I felt so unwilling to do that. I felt resentful that I'm not even trusted to do the most simple thing in the house without ruining it. So I think I identified my false payoff, to show H that I can do something. But I could have done that by following his suggestion as well, just would have been delayed a bit while I went to the hardware store.

Over the years I contributed to how low our M was over small stuff like this. I see how this time was different, that I went back and found a solution we all liked (with some help form my friends <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Hi EO

I just wanted to check in with you.

You have come so far in your personal growth, KUDOS! And it sounds like, even though you and your H are not, yet, as close as you would like, that your M is improving.

I think the fact that you feel secure that H won't leave you is HUGE, in both your personal growth (acknowledging and facing your fears) and in the growth of your M (you felt safe enough to share your fears with your H and he acknowledged them and offered reassurement).

***DD11 is home sick and threw up a few minutes ago. After taking care of her and cleaning up cause the poor thing only managed to make it as far as leaning over the edge of her bed(I'm grateful it turned out to be a team effort, cause R got the day off due to rainy weather). I've completely lost my train of thought. But I mostly wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing and give you a KUDOS for how far you've come.

HUGS
Tama

Tama, thanks so much for your warm words! I am grateful to be learning some really good strategies to learn from all this baggage I have carried so that I can put it back into perspective. I am also grateful to have these amazing role models both here and on the weight loss site. I am constantly inspired watching these folks really creating the lives they want. Especially folks who are good at talking themselves out of stuff, because I have that little voice, too. It's so cool to see them fly, anyway.

This week, I decided to really focus on my tone. Like my tone in speaking.I am a very transparent person, so if I'm agitated, it's been easier for me to catch it with being aware of my tone, being open to the signals. Processing them, making amends where needed and moving forward. I saw how LA was doing that, and I thought, you know, I can do this, too.

I asked my girls to be on my team and help me catch myself, too. They gave me a sticker every night this week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

EO


Tone was a major problem for me, too. It was one of the few areas I emulated my mother. I just didn't realize it, until I'd taken the girls to IC and in one of the sessions DD12 (then 10) told me how much it hurt her when I spoke loudly or used that tone. As every thing else, its been a work in progress, but I'm getting better all the time.

You can do this, you already are!



That's so cool!

HUGS
Tama

I really feel like that onion, when I get rid of one layer of resentment, I find more and more underneath it. What an excavation project LOL. It's actually OK

1) it gives me good practice, keeps me on my toes
2) it helps me show myself that I CAN be consistent

I've been doing really well with observing my tone, it's been helping me find all this unresolved stuff when I'm thinking that I'm just fine.

Fortunately, H has been really cooperative (or is that just my perspective <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) listening to some extent when I share most of the time. And letting me know when he's not feeling it, instead of tuning me out without warning. Good to know! Because I've been doing drive-bys for so long; I know it's okay when he's not interested in what I am sharing. And whether he's listening or not, I can feel how his presence matters.

Things are pretty dumpy with my mom. I reacted to something my mom did, and complained to my sister. I made amends immediately to my sister, because it's not appropriate to vent to her, but my mom got wind that I complained about it. It's taken me some time to grieve that she chooses to distance herself from me, distance herself from my kids, right now. I've been patient with myself, though. D6's birthday party is this Saturday, and I don't think she is coming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know enough not to say, "her loss."

I tried to reinforce our relationship with my Dad, thinking, if the kids don't have a grandma active in their life, at least they have a grandpa. But he's already overscheduled. Again, I was a little down, but I can accept that.

EO,

I hear your

"1) it gives me good practice, keeps me on my toes
2) it helps me show myself that I CAN be consistent"

and raise you...for your consideration...

- each layer you see, trace and own...is an act of love, acceptance, understanding...teaching your brain you want to be aware, not judge; so it can hand you what you really want...
- builds your self-esteem, self-respect. Even when you are inconsistent...your intent remains...you are changing...and knowing more...
- shows you have an expectation to eradicate all resentment, down to the heart of the onion...which may not be reasonable...we don't know 'til we get close, do we?

Check your expectation for eradication...'cuz I'm finding even when I go into past thoughts...tell my memories, like stories to myself, I go into past resentment, as well. We're clearing the decks today...doesn't mean when we repeat patterns, the resentment won't tag along...thinking it was invited, as usual, though we've revoked the invitation.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It's that annoying distant relative who self-invites, knowing you want them there.

LOL

Are you in love with your own tone? Have you gotten to a new timbre in your voice, your rhythm in speaking, which thrills you, about you, yet?

Now with our dear, dear, dear FOOey mothers...LOL. Would you say you learned that being brave and stating directly to your mother is the way to not repeat this through-others, roundabout way of communicating TO Mom?

I ask because she's worth hearing your truth...your dismay, your own failed expectation, and where you rejected whatever she thought, perceived, believed, felt or viewed...a great place to unravel the FOO stuff aloud...what amends did you do for yourself?

What if God is working in your lives right this moment...and for your DDs's own good, Grandma is distant. Isn't for always...or never...just right now...could you give this failed expectation and desire up to God? Trust that he will bring to you whatever you desire...and afterwards, you may not desire it at all?

LOL

See, I've been grieving that distance a long time in my life with my parents...and was deeply embarrassed (my face twisted and turned red) when I was asked at the funeral why I withheld my kids from my mother...and I had to own part of that. The other part was that she withheld herself. Not in my control. She was precious, significant and mattered greatly to me...and in hindsight, I realize, she may have been toxic to my kids...they already had had a toxic me...a mini-replica of my mother's traits...best and worse, I believe...the soothing, healing grandmother role we long for...may be an altogether different reality.

However, your relationship with her is essential...find all the ways she's present with your kids through you...share that with your mother...sister...'cuz Sis is there, also...

Doesn't make a better relationship...doesn't make others choose differently...will make your experience very different, won't it?

Btw, I LOVE the "pretty dumpy"...what a great way to convey those mixed feelings succinctly!

I'm a new grandparent and I think we're over-rated. Unless we really take to the role (and I really want to)...make it my priority...then I won't be a present grandparent...why? Because as much as you, an adult woman, mother, wife, trigger to FOO stuff...so do I. And walking back into those shoes, holding a baby which is mine and not mine...triggers all over the place.

LOL

No kidding. Not you doing. Not your kids not doing...triggers. Great way to teach your children who they are is not what grandparents are choosing to know or not...it's about the grandparents.

And you know what? They may not want grandparents, except for money and cards. My kids didn't. They didn't long like I did...and they only vaguely connect now, as they are far older...because of all the other stuff they have going on (people to connect to)...and now, I believe, my father really does want to connect. He's lucky if they call him once a year.

Not my doing. I only make sure I call, own and amend...I wrote a story on Helium and then two weeks later, sent my father the link (a shared memory)...that was HUGE for me. I was fearful. Here is the man who would show me other people's work and say, "Now that's good writing. You should read that and learn." "I don't really get what you write."

These sound like ouches...and they were at the time. From the first one, though, I learned he liked direct and simple...the beauty within lean and honest. And the honesty of owning what he doesn't get...which is half and half. I learn more, love more and honor more. Be brave and share anyway.

We don't reinforce relationships...we do our half...own our limits...know our power...and know our wishful child and it's power...our children do find grandparents in others, when they want...mothers, fathers, siblings, even, in this life...you aren't failing anyone. Nor are your parents...they are humans...disconnecting and reconnecting. Their choice.

Trust God's bringing...and be ready to receive...not in your way...in the way it comes...so you can see your prayers answered. Then see if you like them.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Great to see you again...and I love reading your other posts on other threads, as well. I admire and appreciate you very much, EO.

LA

LA, thank you for giving me so much to chew on!


“each layer you see, trace and own...is an act of love, acceptance, understanding...teaching your brain you want to be aware, not judge; so it can hand you what you really want...”

Yes, this is exactly how I feel, that my brain responds differently to the same things that go on. My experience is different, even in the same set of things that happen.

For example, D6’s birthday was Wednesday, and I was going to bring cupcakes to her class after lunch. Most people where I live do this, and I’ve never forgotten. H called me to remind me, which he’s never done before. Because last year I was depressed and did not always follow through on what I wanted to do. So when he called, I felt a stab of condemnation, even though I had not even asked him what his intent was.

But before I said anything, just a fraction of a second, I understood that I didn’t know his intent. And I’d realized that I’d picked the worst in the bunch again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So I thanked him for calling, and felt happy that he was thinking of us instead of DJing that he was “judging me again”. To be honest, I laughed with myself about it, about how much of a difference of perspective a few centimeters turning the head can make <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


“ builds your self-esteem, self-respect. Even when you are inconsistent...your intent remains...you are changing...and knowing more...”

I’ve been stuck on my fourth step for some time. I’m making an appointment with myself thi morning to spend some time on it. You are so right, though, my fear of sitting down to do this hasn’t stopped my awareness from growning, that’s going to happen, anyway.


“It's that annoying distant relative who self-invites, knowing you want them there.”

Never eradicating resentment, I’d never even considered that, but I think I can live with that. - shows you have an expectation to eradicate all resentment, down to the heart of the onion...which may not be reasonable...we don't know 'til we get close, do we?


“Are you in love with your own tone?”

I am so happy that I really picked something to work on that came really easily to me (or is that just my perspective?) The kids have really picked up on this the most. But for me, it feels so empowering. It’s becoming my default, you know?

Funny thing, though, expectations. I thought the kids would start minding me better, because I was being so respectful with them. D6, though, still doesn’t do what I ask her, until I tell her why it’s important.


“She's worth hearing your truth...your dismay, your own failed expectation, and where you rejected whatever she thought, perceived, believed, felt or viewed...a great place to unravel the FOO stuff aloud”

I chose not to share because I feared her reaction. The hollering, the judgement. And because I feared how I would react to her reaction. I usually apologize and compliment her on the very things I dislike the most to just try to get to a truce again. I can see where my fears don’t match reality. When I first started calling her, leaving messages, I did that from my friend’s house, so if I felt triggered, I could end the call and not be left alone to my thoughts in the silence.

“what amends did you do for yourself?
I’m at a loss. I’ll go back and read what you’ve shared about amends before.

“What if God is working in your lives right this moment...and for your DDs's own good, Grandma is distant. Isn't for always...or never...just right now...could you give this failed expectation and desire up to God? Trust that he will bring to you whatever you desire...and afterwards, you may not desire it at all?”

How scary, this giving it up to God. It is really sad for me to look at what is, today. Last year at this time, the girls had two Grandmas that they saw every week, that they were very close with. D11, especially, was very close to her. My mom has an awful life, and I like to think that I can bring the girls to be a bright spot.

Typing that out, I know that’s more a picture in my head than what really is. As much as I wish she would make drastic changes in her life, she does seem content with it, so it’s really a huge DJ for me to think that I know what she needs to brighten it up. And that what she needs to brighten it up, of all things, is more of me in it. LOL Goes back to what you were saying that as kids we take on the role of fixer.

“See, I've been grieving that distance a long time in my life with my parents...and was deeply embarrassed (my face twisted and turned red) when I was asked at the funeral why I withheld my kids from my mother...and I had to own part of that.”

I totally understand that. I do believe my mom does not give herself permission to treat my girls the way she did me. She has not AOed where they can hear. Like someone who AOs at home but not at work, she does have control there.

“The other part was that she withheld herself. Not in my control. She was precious, significant and mattered greatly to me...and in hindsight, I realize, she may have been toxic to my kids...they already had had a toxic me...a mini-replica of my mother's traits...best and worse, I believe...the soothing, healing grandmother role we long for...may be an altogether different reality.”

This is where I grieve. Because she is loving with them. She “gets” D6 in a way that most people don’t. She lets D6 have a relationship with her on D6’s terms, not getting offended or judging because D6 doesn’t like to give or get kisses.

I get warm reminders of what my childhood was like with my brother before my mom married my stepfather and all the goodness was wrung out of that house. That’s part of my false payoff in thinking I have the power to fix this.

“However, your relationship with her is essential...find all the ways she's present with your kids through you...share that with your mother...sister...'cuz Sis is there, also...

Doesn't make a better relationship...doesn't make others choose differently...will make your experience very different, won't it?”

This would be a powerful way to make amends, right?

“Btw, I LOVE the "pretty dumpy"...what a great way to convey those mixed feelings succinctly! “
Yep, kind of like FOOey LOL

Thank you for showing me how I am mourning for something I don’t know that my kids are feeling empty about. It’d be good to have a discussion about it. That I don’t know if my parents are missing out on. My dad has a 10 year old SS, so it didn’t occur to me before that he may not need grandkids right now.

LA, how brave to share with your Dad your story. How did he respond?

“We don't reinforce relationships...we do our half...own our limits...know our power...and know our wishful child and it's power...our children do find grandparents in others, when they want...mothers, fathers, siblings, even, in this life...you aren't failing anyone. Nor are your parents...they are humans...disconnecting and reconnecting. Their choice.

Trust God's bringing...and be ready to receive...not in your way...in the way it comes...so you can see your prayers answered. Then see if you like them. ”

Yes, I think I’m finally where I can accept that.

It’s beautiful to see you again, too. YOu know I admire you and appreciate you, too! It’s been great reading your dialogue with DiamondsJ. Great reinforcement of ideas. But even better, it is great to see someone finding the peace they were looking for. I’m reading and thinking, yes!

We're going to my brother's wedding in New Mexico 4th of July weekend, flying into Colorado and driving down from there. Are you in Colorado? It would be great to meet you!

Unexpectedly, my Mom came to D6's birthday party Saturday. I thought that I would be warm and happy, but instead, I felt cold, polite but distant. I asked her if I could visit her the following day, today, and she was okay with that. We had a great visit, but I still did not bring up my honesty about how I'd felt angry before, a month ago.

I had asked my 18 year old brother to babysit with the kids for President's Day, and he said yes, he'd like to. My H went to pick him up the night before, but then, when they were halfway back, my mom called H on the cell and told him to bring my brother home, because he was to mow the lawn the following morning. Which no one had told my brother when he said he was leaving. Because we hadn't asked them permission for my brother to come over.

To me, it felt petty, like she or rather my stepfather was happy to have an opportunity to twist the knife yet again. Reminding me that I can only see my siblings on our parents' term. And it seemed to me so ungrateful, for all the times I watched my siblings when they'd had to work. So I had a lot of my resentment and false assumptions there to dig through. A lot of picking the worst belief in the bunch.

I think it would be good for me and my process to share all this with my mom, especially how I realize that they were assumptions, but didn't know if my timing was good. Maybe better to drive-by a little at a time.

I sat there, talking, and wondered if I even deserved a good relationship with my mom, what with all the resentment and anger I keep finding I carry against her. It was really helpful to see my behavior separate from who I am.

EO,

Great catch on the DJ to H's reminder call...I felt the same way with my DH...and found out, after all the crud, that he wanted to feel more a part, no condemnation or bashing. He wanted in...and here I was, full of resentment and judgment for HIM not being more active and interested.

Aiyayaiyayaiya...and yes, I'm smacking my forehead sharply.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What we are most prepared for, we tend to experience...whether they are really happening or not. LOL. Powerful stuff this human being gig. Sincerely, GREAT CATCH...that's like snarfing a home run which was outta the park, off the fence. Strut, EO. Strut.

Might help with FOO stuff...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There's no deserving in FOO...which is where all our entitlement comes from...where our wishful inner child was created...what there is (and you know this is coming)...

Humans doing and not doing.

Stop lying by omission, 'k? Either say, "I hear you, Mom. We aren't bringing him back tonight. We're going to return him at 4am so he can get the lawn mowed. That way, we're supporting your boundaries and you aren't crossing ours. Thanks!"

And off you go.

Or "I hear you want to punish us for not asking your permission for brother to babysit. Am I hearing you correctly?"

Straight out, EO...you won't kill a relationship..withholding will do that. You don't know why they asked...doesn't mean you have to do...do you? I don't think that would have occurred to you...to not take him back. I KNOW it wouldn't have occurred to me.

And don't discount brother may well have known about the lawn and conveniently "forgot" as well as lying by omission about your folks dogging him for a lot of things...you just don't know...

You know what he shares...and you don't know what he doesn't.

This is my outsider omniscience workin', huh?

This isn't true about your parents being able for you to only see your siblings through them. Your brother chooses...he's 18...respect his choices, as well. They aren't in control of everything, EO...you may well be experiencing life as if they are...you KNOW where you got your thirst for control...you came by it innocently...so did they...it's passed down, and down and down...and you broke that cycle.

Wow.

Keep it broken. Let yourself grow it upward...respectful, choosing, non-reactive and with honestly. You're amazing to know, a privilege to love and might be, in this combination, intimidating as all get out.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And yes, I'll be thrilled to meet you whatever day you're flying in at the end of June or early July. There is no 4th of July Weekend...uh, technically, 'cuz it's on a Wednesday...however...I'll make whatever arrangements to be wherever you need...be my blessed honor.

My Dad responded to my story with, "Great story, bad memory." LOL. Hey...that beats the HECK out of, "I don't understand your stories. They're weird."

(That was over 20 years ago and am I still packin' that one around? I think I'll let that one go, 'k?)

All that anger and resentment you're carrying...you're worth letting it go through honesty...which is sharing...and making your choices, not based on their response...on your code...

Poor DH taking brother all the way back. Did you listen and repeat how he felt, what he thought, what he wanted to do?

Sorry you missed some FOO time and one on one with DH (I hoped that was in the babysitting plans)...

LA

LA, reading your posts, I don't quite know why, such a breath of frsh air! Like a glimpse of what life is free. I did think of that this morning, that my relationship with my mom is indeed a gift, nothing she nor I have earned, could earn, yet we can share it. Pretty cool!

There is a lot of truth that it is my choice and my siblings' choice to follow my parents' rule of seeing them only after checking with them. My 20 year old, then 19 year old brother, actually lived with us for a few motnhs last year, against our parents' wishes, and I'm choosing not to rekindle that pain. It's all what you've said before about priority. When I thought it was more important to respect my brother's wishes to stay with us, I was willing to ignore my parents' request.

Or "I hear you want to punish us for not asking your permission for brother to babysit. Am I hearing you correctly?"

I wish I'd said this. My mom was so much herself, again, that I almost brought it up, actually.

LA, my biggest problem with my mom, is that I dislike my stepfather. If it weren't for my mom, I doubt I would ever see him again. I feel like it is false to go and say, "how are you? good to see you" But I do, because I don't want to feel like I'm so selfish that I can't even be polite to him. I have a hard time separating him from his behavior. In my head, I think of the Villager exercise, and know that he is a child of God, perfectly made. That he's a human being, not a himan doing. But my heart doesn't feel it. I'm so far into withdrawl with him. Amongst all the abuse and violence, he also did nice things for us, and I have never expressed nor felt gratitude for any of it. Because whatever his intent at the time, the things he did that made us trust him at first ultimately were what got us into such an awful mess. If he never had done anything nice, my mom wouldn't have married him, right? So I feel ambivalent even about the many good memories.

Ahh, EO...

How 'bout this belief..."he never had done anything nice, my mom wouldn't have married him, right?"

Your mother wasn't attracted to him just for what he did nice...it was the same FOO stuff as with your father...find those similarities...in the stuff you liked and don't like...work it through...find the parallels...see the mutuality...and what was passed on...not so you can be noble and forgiving...so you can gain clarity and a place to stand within your own lines.

Do not lie and say, "Good to see you." You can say hello...and be real. Don't cross your own lines and believe he's doing it to you now. What you didn't address, you can find a way...you're building your confidence in O&H drivebys...don't cut out of your future that which you may want to include.

As for gratitude...thanking someone for not killing you isn't true gratitude...can sure feel like it is...are you comparing him to something you wished for? I did this with Danny Kaye and my own father. We always fail fantasy...and parcelling out the abuse and the kindness isn't weighing if he's worthy...he is...and that's really tough...if you think "if only he'd" or "what if he'd" then you're not in reality. Know what you wanted and didn't want...the sort out is worth the journey...see how much aligns with reality and how much fails to fantasy.

You'll get there. You can't know his intent...even if you ask...you can know not to make it either way...and I sense that the most abusive, PTSD you react to is...

not knowing.

Which is you, somewhere in you, desperate to know what you could not know...to control.

Reasonable to me. May feel like survival and safety--it wasn't. Can't be. You know what he did...his actions. You know truth. You know how you felt and your signals were valid...they are. Listen to them...know each one and what belief they are coming from...

If not for him, I would be <blank>.

If not for him, we would be <blank>.

Insert "feel" instead of the "be"
Insert "think" instead of the "be"
Insert "believe" instead of the "be"

Are you in an awful mess right now? Are you living in abuse and are being attacked right now? What you are experiencing right now...is it from right now?

Okay to feel unsure, ambivalent...we mostly feel about the past as we FELT in the past...and that stays. Our choice to bring that past into our present...and we may...to address, redress...only we can do it in the present, not the past.

When is your mother not herself? (Interesting way you put that, btw)

You know you're not alone...I'm right here with you...listening to what I'm posting to you...pulling it through and working it over...and sorrowing and

rejoicing

I get to do it with you.

Highest honesty...such beauty, EO.

LA

LA, thanks so much for your response. I've been stuck on my fourth step for some time now, but I see where it all comes together - resentment timeline, the Villager's exercise, and the moral inventory. I really feel like I'm okay with my understanding today, ready to keep going. I can always come back to this again when I need to. I hear some folks redo their fourth step every year. What has your experience been?

I think I am ready to get into IC. I have been making myself "too busy" by prioritizing other things above it. My last experience was great, but a time consuming one, with lots of things to put into practice. A lot of fear of not being consistent enough to make permanent change. There was a lot of progress I had made, but other areas, like my weight, where I felt blocked. I think I can take this head-on now.

"Your mother wasn't attracted to him just for what he did nice"
This was a real eye-opener for me. I thought about how Hendrix explained about how we look for a mate with our lizard. It takes away the payoff for me to continue to see my stepfather as a one-sided character.

"are you comparing him to something you wished for?"
No, I wanted my Dad back. Having a new stepfather, all those years ago, felt like having my Dad back, someone choosing to be with our family. You know how it is with a new relationship. It felt very validating that he was so happy to join our family. That he liked to do the things that we liked to do, like going fishing and to the park. Because it looked like my Dad had been feeling trapped to be stuck with us. That's how it felt to me as a kid trying to make sense of it.

I'll respond more later.

Hugs!

My mom isn't herself when she's just "trying to keep the peace." Like me, she can distract herself with non problems to take the focus off of what none of us feel up to looking at. LA, I am so thankful that you make this stuff so much less scary. Less scary enough so that I can really look at it.

Happy, are you still around? BTE?