I'm glad to hear it. You really sounded uncomfortable in your last post, and I was concerned that the changes being prescribed were "pushed" on you instead of coming from within. Losing weight isn't easy, and it helps to get professional advice b/c it is so hard to break our habits, especially ones of convenience (still looking for a nutritionist that has a clue about allergies... but that is neither here nor there). Funny, I was wondering what would replace the night of fast-food... It is nice to see your H step up to help you reach this mutual goal, as well as hearing his efforts to complement you.

Hi EO,

Just thought I'd jump in and say I think it is totally reasonable to ask what he is going to change, if he's putting down all these house rules. Packing a lunch can be both healthier and less expensive. If he is saying no fast food for the rest of the family, ever, then it seems totally reasonable to ask him to not eat out for lunch.

Good for you letting him know you weren't enthusiastic with the proposed solution, and asking for help coming up with suggestions! I'm glad he's willing to step up with the cooking. Would the two of you enjoy cooking together? That's something H and I do, as sort of a together time when we get home from work.

So... why on earth was the counselor more interested in addressing healthy eating than in addressing a refusal to cut back on drinking?

chobbs, thanks for your input. I agree, I think it would be dihonest to agree to changes that I can't get behind. We don't have fast food at night, but on the weekend. I like to consider those my days off, after working all week, so I do cook, just not every meal. H did used to cook, too, just food has become so charged this year, there's nothing fun about it.

Jayne, thanks, I think it's reasonable to make changes we all can get something positive from, too. I used to pack him a lunch, and he used to pack his own, we just got out of the habit. That restaurant food is pretty tasty LOL.

"So... why on earth was the counselor more interested in addressing healthy eating than in addressing a refusal to cut back on drinking? "

Jayne, this always has always been an issue for me, with every counselor we've ever been to. H usually says that he drinks 3 to 4 drinks 3 to 4 times a week. Recently, he says it's two drinks every night of the week. I disagree. Regardless of the volume, I have a problem with his dirnking because he's drank until he was sick several times since we've been together, the last time a year and a hlaf ago. He says this is normal, and that his other friends just laugh it off when it happens to them. I also have a problem with the drinking and driving, and how he's buzzed and noncommunicative with me almost every night. This is a cyclical thing. He goes through normal periods as well, after his check-up shows high liver counts, and he cuts it out until his re-test comes back normal.

The other counselors said that it's not worth trying to change what someone's not willing to. I understand that, but I still need to address it. I've learned in my time here and in Alanon that I am not stuck with this as part of my daily life. That I have choices, too. I am trying to get through my twelve steps, so I can get the clarity I need to make the decisions I need to make.

My H drinks regularly, as in every day he gets a small drink of wine or sake, often when he comes home from work, and another glass of wine at dinner. (I'm giving specifics because I think it's important to understand when it might be too much.) Then he makes himself two tiny cups of espresso after dinner. Then he logs on and usually works a little while on reports for his work, so he can't really be drunk.

For me, that would be drinking too much. But for him it seems to be ok, I can't tell if it affects our relationship because he doesn't much like to talk before or after drinking. But if your H is drinking to the point of getting sick, and he's no longer a college kid, IMHO that's too much.

I find the popular list of alcoholic symptoms confusing, since they often say a big symptom is denial. But then that would make everyone an alcoholic. But, if your H is telling the counselor something that is measurably and quantifiably inaccurate, then that sounds like denial to me.

Maybe it wouldn't be DJing but would in fact be a reasonable, non-enabling thing to do to actually keep track yourself for a week or two, and let your/his counselr know exactly how much he is drinking? If he's minimizing the amount, I think the C needs to know.

The Alanon folks obviously know much more than I do about how to handle these things.

Hey I just read this from you on another thread. You are talking to someone about SF. This is just too funny to let pass by unnoticed, but I didn't want to TJ. I hope it's ok that I cut-and-paste here if I omit identifying stuff from the other thread.

Priceless gem from EO, re. SF:
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

EO,

I've been thinking about your MC post...and I don't understand the MC's approach.

What I see are various power struggles...which means, they are from fear, not from love. This may be how to work backwards...from the mechanics to the theory.

My perception is that you've been starved for theory...what brought you here...and how much Harley's stuff has helped feed your life.

I'm wondering what your secret expectation/desire was for the MC to say or feel towards you...seems like there's a backfired disappointment in your post.

I totally perceived you doing the fast-food once a week because of the "fast" in it, not the "food" as much. LOL. I got it because that was me, too. Wanting a break from the conceiving, creating and doing the cooking (it's more involved, to me, in times of stress, than when there isn't stress in my marriage).

You're in SoCal, right? The fast part of fast food can be Sweet Tomatoes...any salad bar restaurant (has fun goodies for DDs, too)...nowhere near fast food...very fast.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Did you hear MC saying, "You fix this first, then we'll fix your H's stuff"? Because his drinking ties directly into health...and you know that. Separate from addiction, tuning you out, using it as an intimacy buffer...a self-manipulation device you fear. You know that.

And you nailed it with making the food the focus, instead of what's behind the food, the belief and the focus not on his stuff, rather on you and the girls...well, your concerns are reasonable. They aren't wrong or unfair.

They tie-in.

The thing with making food the focus is that it stays the focus for your children and yourself until you choose to break it. You know that, too. Where your thoughts dwell, there is your treasure.

If you see your H treasuring body images, then you'll feel abandoned, rejected, discounted and not allow many love deposits to get in...or get in erractically. Your H can have an EN for AS from you...he CANNOT from his children, right?

Their bodies are theirs. Scary stuff. Their choices and consequences are what you're held responsible for...teaching them their power and limits...not their bodies, their hair color, their skin.

And if you feel rejected, discounted...you may well perceive your daughters do, as well.

That's the core issue to come to...not the mechanics of food. And I'm appalled at the MC's support of "Do as I say, not as I do."

And how your H lumps you into "the girls"...understandable, not reasonable...so he alternates between putting all the responsibility on you for them...overmuch...with treating you like a child...parenting, not partnering.

Again...if the children come first in the marriage, then parenting is all you got. Marriage comes first...partnering.

Easy to do it the other way...the way we were raised...what we were told to value above all else...how to earn our value...earn love and punishment.

What I don't hear are those honest "I" statements in your post. "After MC, I felt angry, nearly rageful...then guilty, self-doubting, fearful...then frustrated. I feel put aside because. I heard I was wrong, at fault, the cause."

Whatever it was...share boldly with us, EO. Then we won't be thinking, uncomfortable or guessing, either. We'll know. We'll know you.

Right now.

Still thinking about your post...percolating, not ignoring. Praying, too.

((((EO))))

LA

Our last counselor suggested a breathalyzer, as a way to quantify it. It backfired, because it kept me focused on his drinking, when really, I need to distance myself from it. And the few times we tried it, H's number was low, and so it reinforced his idea that I'm overreactive. At the time it made me feel better about him driving, so that was a small benefit.

I don't think it would help matters if I count his drinks, because he puts no stock in what I say about that, anyhow. And it would again keep me focused on his behavior.

Also, like I said, this is kind of cyclical, and right now he's not drinking as much as he has at other times. Obviously when he goes out and comes back vomiting, he had quite a volume, and he has no business on the road. Which is really where I have a problem. If I had H's confidence that he it stays at a certain amount, maybe I could come to peace with it. But that's not how I see it. I see it as this monster ready to strike without warning. I have boundaries to use in that case, and will solidify those. But my chances of reaching him would be more limited at that point, when the addiction would have a firmer grip on him than our family does.

Which is why I think it makes sense to address it now.

I'm glad you liked my SF post. I was unsure whether to post that at all, but I'm glad I did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA, the MC asked me that, too, how do I feel about what H is saying? First about what H said about my weight, then after about how I feed the kids. I was a lizard at that point, not in touch with what I was feeling; I wanted it to stop. I said, I'm ready to dmake changes. I retreated because I heard, this is your problem; this is why I distance myself from you.

When I tink I am making progress. My clothes are already looser, which I said. H said, I've heard that our whole marriage, you lose 5 or 10 pounds, but you've been over 180 for years now. When are you going to get back to 130? I felt like Seabird described the other day, darned (stitched in every direction, but still weak and prone to becomimg undone, I think that is a pretty good analogy, actually) if I do and darned if I don't. What about some recognition for the meals I do cook home? For the exercise I do? For the patterns I've broken? All I can do today is maintain consistency, not give up like I had in the past.

Yes, I did want more theory, and that is why I really connect to MB.

'I'm wondering what your secret expectation/desire was for the MC to say or feel towards you...seems like there's a backfired disappointment in your post."
I wanted her to say, you have what it takes to turn this around. I've met your daughters, and they look very healthy and full of energy to me.

I feel like we've been here before. Last time, it was all the DS I didn't do. My car was a mess. How I left the clean clothes unfolded in baskets. How I didn't cook very often. And didn't make the bed. I do all that stuff now. I didn't think I was giving to get, but I thought that meeting these specific needs, thses ones that stopped coming naturally to me, would have some impact. But I'm still at the same spot, being measured by my actions, and found that I came up short.

I wanted her to validate that not everyone considers the stuff I do so bad. That different houses have different house rules, and that's okay. Which she may have thought, but did not express. That we could take some time and come up with some house rules we were both happy about.

I wanted her to say, health? Let's talk about health. And what steps do we all want to take to get healthier, as a family? Why is H focused on my habits, at the exclusion of his own?

And you're right, there are places one can go here to get a quick, healthy meal, like Sweet Tomatoes.

And you're right, that it would give me perspective to see drinking as it relates to H's health as a different issue than how it affects behavior.

"If you see your H treasuring body images, then you'll feel abandoned, rejected, discounted and not allow many love deposits to get in...or get in erractically."
See, I'm not sure what to do with this. The MC said, it's more accurate to say that there are things that H does find attractive about me, just not this one. He said is more accurate. So I'm trying to work from that.

I just got an email saying I'm being let go from working at home, so I'm going to go process. An email <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'll be back.

EO,

I hereby give you permission to permit yourself to answer any questions with abject, immediate honesty...

To MC's question (even though it had "feel" in it)...

"I feel like retreating because I heard, this is your problem; this is why I distance myself from you."

Listen and repeat...even with MC...share your perception with your filter. Drops reactivity levels way down. You know this...give yourself permission to share this way, everywhere, with everyone.

How we learn about ourselves...and share.

Helps us to not get directed to fixing problems without even knowing if they are problems...cuts down on tangents, red-herrings and enmeshment.

Same for your weight...what's YOUR real truth? "I don't feel like my weight is a drawback...I'm energetic, productive, feel healthy. I don't have a lot of motivation inside me to lose weight."

And/or "I've been an emotional eater for all my life. Food was my family's focus growing up...saw it as a tool to distract, to fulfill...has rebellion, autonomy, succor, destruction and weakness all wrapped up in food. I fear making food our daughters' focus. Their measure. The one big thing...which was my experience. Approval-based love...rather than connective, respectful, whole-picture family."

And/or "I loved how you loved me all these years, as I am. I want to lose weight for me. Has a lot of fear in it for me."

Whatever you have inside, EO...share. Permit yourself to share...get back on track here...makes sense we get distracted, digress, when we are using a lot of things in our life to distract from.

Focus on food can distract from fear, pain, anger, abuse (like ridicule, opinions stated as fact), from sexual, connective issues...maybe it's a signal when we digress...a highlight to ourselves we aren't focusing where we truly live...only on what we do...to make up who we are?

Did you share with H your need for recognition, awareness, appreciation for what you have changed, how far you've come, what you are doing now...and desire for understanding your long-term goals?

Do you do the same for him? Do you recognize his desires, awareness, appreciate what he has changed, how far he's come, what he's doing right now (not the past) and understand his long-term goals?

I feel a tightness in you--my perception. If you feel this, is it from fear? Of doing something wrong and being abandoned...not loved or accepted? Like there is one terrible choice you could make which would end your marriage in a single moment?

What blocked me from loving myself was this very fear. This tightness...it was what drove my sacrifices, my resentment...who wouldn't resent reacting from this fear which betrays, abandons and rejects our self so deeply?

And I wonder if this fear is tied to how you perceive what's being said and asked in MC...focus on actions...what you're doing and not doing...rather than on who you really are...your stuff. H's stuff. Which isn't measured...just known.

Speaking in MC, "I don't want our expensive time to be focused on actions right now. It's where I believe I've been caught before...this negotiating actions from H and me. The last time in MC, hearing, doing, changing didn't get me to where I feel loved for myself, valued for my presence, recognized for my choice to love H or my acts of love. I believe if we work on the theory, our mutual and separate beliefs, what we live from, that would see actions very differently. It would change the face of marriage for me."

Permission to speak, EO...to share...straight from who you are, holding the fear, speaking anyway. Practicing, if necessary, as you have practiced with your DD...because it's important to you...as her lines were important to her, too. Not an audition...as expression. Big payoff. Real payoff...you acting from your authentic self.

Speaking from you.

Living from you.

You have come so far...there's authority in MC...that may be another line in yourself to follow...an automatic rebellion or compliance...a compulsion to please or gain approval...and/or fear of disapproval, being seen as the bad guy. I share this because all of that was in me in MC. Worth working through...helped my marriage.

I spent a lot of our marriage giving my DH a lot of authority over me, and a lot of time tearing down his authority...continuing the imbalance, the rollercoaster.

I'm so sorry on your email about work. That it hits now, right after MC. Timing, not events. Opportunity flashes, storms, knocks, pounds and whispers. I trust God with all my heart that he's looking out for you in every way. He longs for you in a stunning way. This is you progressing to an intimate relationship with him. Where you will know without doubt that you are wholly lovable, made precisely with masterful hands, a complete and significant soul on this earth...a soul of love.

Listen to your MC say you are slicing up what H says about his attraction to you...focusing on body image by choice...and hear he IS, has been and will be attracted to you for a thousand other reasons, as well. For who you are, EO.

You're still not alone, girlie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What you are experiencing resonates with me. I appreciate your posts, your time, care and honesty. Your fearing and posting anyway.

Breathe. And relax...because you can now see why you hear "I must change" so much...from your focus on H changing, to match. You remember. Not about him changing or you, really...just making different choices from chosen intent.

LA

LA, thanks so much for being here. I don't know if you know how much you enrich my life. I am so glad that you still come back here, because I know there's other folks who are in more difficult situations with less support than I have.

H said I should start looking for work, here and back home, before this happened, because I it likely wouldn't last, the telecommuting. He reminded me again today, to get on the stick. I was O&H, that i understnad that I need to get on the stick, and I don't know why I haven't yet. Could we get started together, on my job search, tonight? To make it less scary than doing it alone. I was afraid he'd be mad, and ashamed that I wasn't more proactive about this. He said of course he'd help. He wasn't mad. I see where I'm reacting to H, predicting his actions, as if he's someone else.

I have used a focus on food, and I still do, as self-care. When H was gone traveling, which feels like abandonment, even though to him it IS care, I'd take us out to eat to feel special. Like, today is worth celebrating, too. It's not empty and insignificant just because it's just us. I needed something to look forward to. I dreaded going home to an empty house, for the kids to make a mess in, when I didn't feel confident I'd have it all put away when H got back. Cooking just had more mess associated with it.

So now, you're really challenging me, because I replaced it with a focus on healthy food, healthy habits. And feeling guilty about not exercising when I don't make it, LOL.

"Do you do the same for him? Do you recognize his desires, awareness, appreciate what he has changed, how far he's come, what he's doing right now (not the past) and understand his long-term goals?"
I see where enmeshment still trips me up there. I see OUR progress instead of HIS progress. But yes, I do appreciate that he has taken many bold moves, made many bold changes. Made decision-making a joint thing, for the most part. Being willing to go back to MC. Addressing my concerns about the move. This is the first time ever that he's worked hourly without a focus on overtime. He was willing to take a few days off with us a few weeks ago.

"just making different choices from chosen intent."
Yes!


I love the idea of listen and repeat at MC. I have an individual appointment with her next week, which will be easier to start with.

I went to the IC, and had a great session. She expressed concern that I was very quiet and didn't offer specifics and didn't express my feelings unless she specifically asked me. She said the session was about how we can identify and work through issues (the theory) more than brainstorming solutions yet. I wasn't the only one who was failing to listen and repeat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I was so relieved that she and I are pretty much on the same page.

One thing we spoke about was how upset I was about the last escalation with H when my sister was here and traced that back to how I felt as a kid experiencing these issues. Why it is important to get really clear with predetermined boundaries and why it is important to think through enforcing them ahead of time. To think about the messages that thse boundaries send to myself, to the kids, and to H.

H asked me to talk about making a decision of SoFla or SoCal. She suggested thinking the consequences through for the options we are considering. I called H after, because he'd called during the session to update me on what he found out about the program D11 would be in in SoFla. He said it would make him feel better for one of us to talk with D11's manager about whetehr the door would be open if we went home now and came back another time. I asked him if he was going to be the death of me? That we could decide to go back and then decide to come back out again? I told him that we've already made where to live decisions in 1998, 1999, 2003, 2004, and 2006 through now and I'm at a frustration level with this uncertainty.

He was calmer than I was and said to remember that there's nothing wrong with him for feeling that way. I hear what he's saying but I am so frustrated that it sounds like even going through all this isn't enough for us to settle down and stay settled. I am so frustrated that even with the kids in school for years now that we're still talking about moving and moving. I thought that agreeing to come out here would satisfy whatever it is eating at H. I told H that I am really angry at him and I need to get off the phone.

I guess there are no right and wrong answers, that this is yet again another preference, and we can find a win-win here. I don't see it though. I wonder if this is what I get for requesting that he cut out the business travel.

EO,

I've been thinking about your last post...couple of things.

Turn off your cell phone in IC session. Something I learned.

Next, he asked you to talk about his issue in your individual counseling session with MC, correct?

When I put it this way, what do you think now?

Your issues (from my perception) were going to be about your stuff, and you and MC got right to that, seems to me. Those are your issues.

Consider not calling H back after the session (or in the future, after you get his voicemail) to discuss anything...just to confirm you got his message and you would be open to talking about it at a certain date and time--lessens your reactivity.

Gives you time to really scope out all your feelings on the subject, separate out that H said he would call DD's manager for information (not action)...and see if there was a strong feeling of being gone around, back-ended, by H...because he was gathering information on what an outside authority believed, not what his partner, you, his wife, desired.

So calling the manager about any program outside of SoCal may be moot.

Moving is a key issue in your life...also goes back to long before H. Isn't unreasonable to be a huge trigger...is it?

May even feel like "death" of you...symbolically.

You're not crazy, overreactive or wrong, EO.

Give yourself permission to be still, EO. Breathe, relax your body, stop the images in your mind...and be still. So you can hear your breath, your heart, and God's guidance. Still enough for clarity, to see where he is bringing you something from love...not to act on...to know.

Can you hear in your post where you told your H facts he already knew? Is there a belief in you that says, "If only he'd realize this, then everything would be better"?

Check your frustration and see how many parts are fear and how many are resentment, and if there's a part that's pure pain in the mix.

See if the anger is in that frustration coming from disappointment...and the belief if you did just this one last move (to SoCal), then you would have certainty, security, and so would your H, and he would be happy.

Even if you weren't...the safety would make you happy.

You didn't make him sway in his feelings...his beliefs do.

You can only ask for him to cut out or down his business travel...and only he can choose to do so or not.

Reminders...not telling you anything you don't already know.

I know you know.

How much anger do you have at yourself for holding those beliefs which seem to imperil your life?

Would you consider what is outside your control as possibilities for your H's feelings? You both began MC...that can trigger the fear of intimacy and knock it into orbit (move-run-get away); his stuff triggered from long before you met him, just like you've encountered this summer; what we cannot know until we're shared with.

You aren't ridiculous, EO. I think you're scared. And I think you're most scared of not being true to yourself...of continuing to betray in tiny ways...and that's triggered when H (or others) back-end you.

Whaddayathink?

LA

LA, I wrote a long response this morning, but lost it! So I thought I'd let your words sink in a while and see if I'd have new stuff to cover <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It actually did help to let it simmer away some more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"Next, he asked you to talk about his issue in your individual counseling session with MC, correct?"
Um, enmeshment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I thought that how I deal with his indecision about this IS a pressing issue for me right now. So I think her suggestion was more to approach it as a family. Yesterday, I did have a lot more fear in it, lack of confidence. You really got me thinking about looking at the belief that making the wrong decision would have bad consequences. I do feel more okay today, more secure, that we'll be okay either place.

It really comes into boundaries, walk lines. How much is too much? How do I know when I'm standing up for the marriage by refusing to make decisions that lead to resentment? I'm trying to be open to see the win-win, to slow down, listen for guidance. Live in today, especially.

Thanks for walking with me, LA! D11 casted for a commercial yesterday that would shoot for 3 days in Colorado. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

:::crossing my fingers as well!!::::

How marvelous that would be!

How do you know when you're standing up for the marriage when you choose not to do that which you resent?

You stand up for yourself, and your half of the marriage when you choose to NOT do that which you are not enthusiastic. Doesn't mean you control the marriage...means you are honest and intimate with your beliefs.

You believe moving so often is harmful to your marriage, your children and yourself. Reasonable belief, in my experience. Moving not often enough would be the same, wouldn't it? You're at an extreme...too much change...and H may view your belief with fear...no moving, no change is the way to go.

You're going to meet in the middle on this. Not a compromise...a goal...

Good times...I promise.

You can ask your H..."Do you want me to do that which I will hold against you...will blame and resent you for making me or do you want me to do what I enthusiastically agree with, am excited about, and do not hold you responsible for making me?"

Something like that. I have to leave work now, so I'm rushing.

Just wanted you to know that an act of love can be the choice to not do that which you will resent...a loving and respectful act.

No guilting or blame. Remind yourself of partnering as equals...you do not want him to do that which he will resent, do you? See the tiny ways he may be making that very choice...

And you don't want to act from your feelings...rather directly from your beliefs, correct? So getting there, first, is where your decisions begin. To KNOW his indecision, not to act from it. To know yours...and not act from it. Sharing to know...with each other. See where he shares...

Emeshment...whadda country.

LOL

((((EO))))

LA

((((LA)))) Thanks for the hug.

I hadn't considered that, to look at how I react not only to my own feelings, but his, too.

Enjoy your weekend!

Just got a call from H. He told D11's manager that we've decided to go home. Before he told me that he's decided this. I'm really having a hard time keeping this in perspective. I keep telling myself that this is just as much my decision, too, no matter what H says to who when. And that our life is so much bigger than this decsiona and the details about it. In the past, I would create resentment about all the details of how things go. What I was told and when. Instead of working to make those details irrelevant. Making my own contributions to our decisions.

I am scared to think about going back home together instead of moving here. H has said more than once that he wants to split up when we go back. That he wouldn't break up with me out here, because it would make him feel guilty that he brought me out here away from my support. Do I want him to stay where he's unhappy out of a feeling of guilt? I think the MB plan, the falling in love again, is a much more powerful and honest motivator than guilt, and I can work my plan whether he's trying to listen or not. And that thought lessens my fear about us going back home this month.

My pastor back home sends us a weekly email, and this one, that I just read befoe I got the call.

"The Psalmist’s directive to “cast your cares on the Lord”, is truly one of the byproducts of “listening at Jesus feet” rather that being “worried and upset about many things”. I am often reminded that my priorities tend to look more like Martha’s rather than Mary’s. How about you? A [congregation name] leader recently observed that the issues our congregation’s members are often “worried and upset about” also tend to be Martha issues rather than Mary issues."

I'm thinking about how my H needs my support right now, and I am more feeling wounded, disrespected, and retreating than I am supporting him. Hopefully I'll be in a more peaceful frame of mind, that loving detachment, by the time he gets home.

You know something strage, I do feel better, typing this out, before I even get to the "continue" button. I feel like Hold, "I CAN handle this" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This move or don't move thing is really wearing on us. H the day before yesterday said he is willing to go home, as he sees that's what the three of us want. It took a day for me to see that as maybe coming real, and I started getting happy, and H started getting sad. Then D11 says that she doesn't want to go back home, that she wants to move here. I'm sad in that I thought we had this resolved. Neither H nor I can really say that one option is "better" than the other, only that they each would be great places for us as a family. We don't have work lined up at either place, although H can start consulting again at any time at either place, and I am sending out resumes to both places, as my permanent job gave me notice when they replaced me after two months of working remotely. They had warned me ahead of time that they would be looking for an on-site person.

H says he still wants to move here, but he doesn't have the feeling that now is the time. He is waiting for the signs to become more clear. Like one of us to get a great job offer, or D11 becoming successful with the acting here. But I am ready to just have all this indecision over and done with.

H said that he's looking to me to be the decision-maker, which I am willing to do, but I don't know if that road leads to resentment. Anyone have any suggestions on how to proceed?

It is fish or cut bait time, as the kids would be starting back in school in Florida in two weeks, and we don't want to pull them out of school to home-school them just so that we can drag this on further.

Also complicating matters is that DD6 and DD11's manager says that this is the time to make this move for them, as kids grow in and out of size and both the girls are in a good spot right now. This isn't a decising factor for me, but it is for H and DD11. DD6 could take it or leave it. The main thing she likes about the acting is that she sees the busy kids get to homeschool instead of going to traditional school. I don't see that as happeneing for her anyhow.

EO,

Practical questions...

Do have to give 30-days notice at your apartment to fulfill the lease requirements (assuming you're on a month-to-month lease)?

Is California still the laggard in school starting? Was day after Labor Day when I was growing up in SoCal.

Would you consider basing your decision on owning that making this decision is past a reasonable deadline?

LA

POJA. If I were you, I would REFUSE to accept the job of decision maker on this one. Either it's a joint decision that we are both on board with, or it's no decision at all.

LA

Our lease already expired, and we paid $100 a night this week to stay in our apartment. Talk about a painful consequence! You can imagine, our landlord would be happy if we decided to stay another week.

CA still doesn't start until after labor day, but in Florida they start August 20th. We've arrived the weekend before school started before, when we came back from Minnesota, and it made it harder for them to go through jet lag and waking up early for school all at once.

Not to mention that it was hard to find uniforms (mandatory at their schools) and school supplies left the weekend before school starts. Although we could buy it here and put it in the luggage.

And yes, we are past a reasonable deadline. I do own that.

curious

I'd say having any decision at this point is something that we'd both be on board with!