Hi ears, it sounds like your sister is lucky to have you for a big sister. Even if you can't completely rescue her, just the fact that you care enough to struggle with her to try to help her, means a lot. I'm thinking of what Scott Peck says in The Road Less Traveled, that loving parents can make mistakes, but just the fact that they care enough to TRY to do the right thing goes a long way. Being willing to sit with them in the struggle goes against the "quick fix" mentality, an demonstrates that you love them enough to suffer with them, to be uncomfortable.

I think counseling and Alateen are excellent ideas. And of course keeping the lines of communication open.

I guess DD6 is feeling better now, right? Boy, you seem to be a very capable and loving mother. Lucky kids, lucky sis.

I'll second what Jayne had to say! Your sister is blessed to have you in her life! What are her plans once she moves out at 18?

Thanks, Jayne, and Wonderin! I had my two-year anniversary at Alanon last night, so it has been a good time to reflect on the last two years. The first year, I think that the main thing that I learned is that I can find happiness even on the sad days. And then this past year, I found that my life is not full of sad days, when I live in the present.

This is really healing to me, to see where the listen and repeat can help break my contribution to this pattern with my FOO. No one can make me come to conclusions. If my stepdad tries to set me up again, I can listen and repeat. I have been judgmental with her in the past. This last summer was an opportunity to redo it in the present. Here is my opportunity to make amends to my sister, that she knows that I won't make assumptions about her behavior anymore.

Her plans are to go stay with a friend when she turn 18. I am glad that she has an exit plan. She has always been very determined when it comes to something that's important to her, and I do trust that she will be okay.

DD6 is doing a lot better, thanks!

My daughter (high school junior) has a friend who told his parents last winter he was gay; they kicked him out, and he rotated living with friends until his dad let him come back. He'll be turning 18 in January, and his dad says he has to leave then, even though he's still a junior. So he's been taking extra classes and online stuff, so he can graduate a year early, but he'll still have to float around among all our houses for the rest of the school year. I'm hoping that it will make him a more capable adult. A sad one, of course, but capable. I'm proud of him.

Please send up a prayer or cross your fingers for us.

My company, remember, the one that's just 5 minutes from my house, and lets people go home evenings AND weekends <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> recently posted a job listing that my H chose to respond to. Even though it is here, not in SoCal. I was thrilled just at that, that he chose to take action to get established permanently here. I think I mentioned it at the time. But they said he was asking for too much money. Okay, I can handle that.

HR just called me to tell me that "circumstances have changed" and they were having trouble reaching him. I gave her his cell. I am so excited!

I think if H had a great career opportunity here, that he would be really happy that we came back here, especially since everything with the kids, and my work, have fallen into place so well.

Oh, such great news, EO. I will be praying that this will work out because this solution would really benefit your family.

How fabulous that this company doesn't require 24/7 commitment!!!

That's awesome! I'll say a prayer for you guys!

Oh ears!

You and your family are in my prayers, too! I hope it works out!!!!!

Thanks so much for the warm wishes. It looks like it isn't going to go through. They wanted to hire him on a consultant basis, starting today. H was doing redundant work on his current consulting project (reviewing someone else's work, with little value-add, to keep billing the client) so the owner of the consulting group was willing to let him go work for my company right away, but she wanted her cut, even though H found this on his own, and even though this could be a good way for her to get in the door at my company, and hire out other consultants later. That raises the hourly rate for H by another 25%, so my company opted to keep looking instead of bringing him on board yet. H thinks another company would hire someone out for less to get in the door.

I am really disappointed at how this lady fumbled this for us. I am really uncomfortable with how H left himself at this woman's mercy, when he is a better negotiator. But I understand why he wanted to defer to her judgement, that he didn't want to just up and leave with no notice, because this may not be a permanent thing here. Things are no different than they were the day before yesterday. And I can handle it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Sorry I didn't see his in time to send up my prayers too. You have an amazing attitude though. I'm glad you can say things are no different than they were the day before yesterday.

And yes you most certainly can handle it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi eo

Haven't been "by" in a few days. Been working on stockings for my girls and trying to establish a couple of cleaning "habits" in our household.

I'm sorry to hear that things won't work out for your H with your company. When I first read it might be a possibility, I was so excited for you and your family. But who knows? The door opened twice, maybe it will for the "charming" third time - stranger things have happened!

Your attitude about it is so great. I really have to commend you. I think I would have been more than just "disappointed". You amaze me. You take things so in stride and with such grace.

You are a wonder!

(((eo))))

Tama

Thanks, Tama, you're a doll. I put the condensed version up here. I am insecure about this consulting group owner and also a coworker on his current account being "interested" in him, so I saw this also as a way for to not have to live with the possibility for H to be called again to travel with these single women who have my hackles up. In the past, I have discussed my concerns with H, and he was deeply offended personally that this bothers me.

I am looking forward to when we can discuss this and he could see that though he does not think that way, that it is a natural way for someone (me) to feel. Last night, when my brothers came over for dinner, one asked him about the travelling, and H gave a sheepish grin and replied that they are asking him to travel at the end of this month again. After they went home, I shared my H&O that I felt hurt that H didn't say anything to me when he got the call, nor when I got home. He said that it was nothing, that he told her he was not going, because we already put in for vaction at the end of the month.

Anyhow, long story short, I thought that this would be an option that would, at least for a time, eliminate all of these ongoing complications, and the SoCal one, in one shot, and was deeply disappointed that it didn't work out.

I have been really just totally steeping myself in positive things, though, like my meetings, and this place, and exercise, and taking a lot of time with family and friends. H also has been really connected with the kids and I. It feels like we've had a lot more time together lately. He's been exercising on the treadmill daily, and cutting back on his drinking. And even when he's drinking, it's almost like I don't feel it, because he hasn't been distant or angry. So I do feel very confident that I can handle this.

Okay, that was a short lived peaceful cycle with H. Good thing I have skills and the support to handle the bad days, too. I'm going to be the thermostat, not the thermometer!

aw...... I was about to post some congratulations, things sounded so very good...

What happened? If you want to talk, I'm here. If you don't feel up to it, no pressure or expectations.

Is it still true that he turned down the company travel at the end of the month? If so, I think that's a good sign... I sincerely hope I can still say congratulations for that much...

{{{{{{{ears_open}}}}}}}

You are absolutely right - you DO have the skills and the support to handle the bad days too. And, for me at least, it's easier to handle the bad days if there are also good days, like it sounds like you were having.

I love that visual - thermostat not thermometer.

Jayne, thatnks for the offer, I learn the most from situations where I can see I went wrong. I don't think I went wrong here, and I don't want to just rant on H. I told him last night that I liked how he was drinking less and felt more connected. He said he took that to mean that I was givign him a green light to drink, and drank a lot last night, but was still friendly, so I was okay with that. But then tonight, I come home from my friend's birthday with DD6, and he's cooking dinner, and he's already resentful between when I told him I was coming home and got home. He asked me to make a salad, and but I didn't want to be around him when he's giving that vibe, enthusiastic about it, so I said no probably for the first time in several weeks.

He launched into an AO, and I listened and repeated, but I was agitated, not with a neutral tone of voice, and I added a lot of filter. "So I hear that I'm UNGRATEFUL because I don't want to chop tomatoes. You are the only one who even likes tomatoes. There's more than one way to have a salad." "So you don't think it's okay for me to say no to chopping tomatoes." My resentment wall was/is back up. I know it will go back down in time.

But I felt really crestfallen to remember that we can only be peaceful together when I say yes to his requests. That if I am not enthusiastic, the only peace I can have available is peace alone. Which is still peace, and it's a heck of a lot more than I had before I found this place.

And for today, he's still not travelling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that it seems you have to be the one to keep the peace by saying yes to his requests. I'm sorry it turned into an AO on his part.

I'm sorry that when you tried to give him positive feedback, he took it as permission for the negative behavior instead of reinforcing the positive behavior. Positive feedback isn't supposed to work like that!

Wow, I sure do admire your skills though! It sounds like you maintained calm... and you didn't have to leave! You stood your ground! That's good, right?

Just a question, you don't have to answer if you don't want, and I'm not suggesting anything, just trying to figure things out for myself - didn't you say that listen and repeat wasn't working with your H, that he was annoyed by that?

I still see a lot of positive things happening.

EO, so sorry things didn't continue down the path that you wanted with H. When we feel that we've handled difficult situations in thoughtful ways using tools we've developed and have things go south, anyway... ugh. I just hate that!

I agree that it's much easier to look at our own behavior or choices and learn. Probably because our own behavior is all we can control and we understand what's in our own head (most of the time) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />... But I think that we can also learn by stepping back and looking at other things. For example - in this case you didn't take the easy way. You used the tools you've gained and confronted his bad attitude (or whatever you choose to call it). That is progress from where you've been. So the result wasn't what you'd hoped, but you must be happy that you didn't try to smooth things over or ignore and you didn't engage in an AO yourself. Both are positives.

Every day is a new chance, though, for you and for H. I know it gets hard to keep covering what seems to be the same ground. I know you can do it in ways that will make you peaceful. You are making such progress and you're a huge inspration to me. Thank you for that.

"it seems you have to be the one to keep the peace by saying yes to his requests."

I get to keep peace in my home whether H wishes to be peaceful or not. I was very angry thinking that H wants a yes-man instead of a partner. This is my DJ. I plan to clear it up with him. It may well be me picking the worst belief in the bunch.

H did apologize this morning. It reminds me of that phrase "We can't change what we don't acknowledge. And he said that he feels like he has too much DS on his plate with the holidays, and I'm not holding up my end. He wanted the Christmas cards out this weekend, and I had committed to doing that and overscheduled myself and did not follow through. That is good to know, and I agree that I need to hold to my commitments to him. We both have trust issues that get better when we are consistent sticking to our word.

"I'm sorry that when you tried to give him positive feedback, he took it as permission for the negative behavior instead of reinforcing the positive behavior. Positive feedback isn't supposed to work like that!"

Cat is a good example for me with this, the giving the information and then let the person come to their own conclusions. I don't really know how and when exactly the drinking affects his mood. It would have been more honest to say that I am happy how we felt more connected. And let him clarify whether that goes along with the drinking or not.

H has said that "listen and repeat" doesn't work for him. And he has every right to feel that way. But IMO, my marriage can withstand that as an AH more than it can withstand the dishonesty that my silence represents to me. I believe that my H can hear someone else's unhappiness and chose not to stab himself with it. Even though for many years, that's what I did, took it as about me. My decision to own. But I am willing to hear what you have to say if you feel differently. I often learn a lot when I disagree with someone.

Thanks for the kind words! I did maintain my calm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And I chose not to leave in that moment, even though previously I would have after the third comment. I kind of needed to know that I wouldn't AO back. I was very concious of how I was feeling and was prepared to recognize if I did need to go out. It helped that we had plans to go to the church christmas pageant in a half an hour, so I was leaving very soon. H and DD11 chose to stay home.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with D17 last night. Her father is extremely overprotective, and we went to her C last week to get him to see that she needs to be able to do the things other 17 year olds do. So he agreed that she could go to a party at the mall Friday night, and she did. She was telling me last night what an absolute thrill it was, to be able to just walk around the mall with her friends, no parent in the vacinity or even in the mall. She's never been allowed to do that, so it was such a giddy time for her, even though her friends thought she was a little nuts.

So yesterday she got to go to the Galleria with church kids, another first. And she was telling me how hard it was to get her dad to agree, and how frustrating that is. So I said, "You now have two instances where you have done this, and both have turned out great, so you now have a start of a set of precedents upon which you can ask for more and more freedom. A week ago, you had none. So you are eons ahead."

IMO, every time we take a step in the right direction in our M, we're fixing that foundation upon which to expect even better responses in the future. Like that rocks in the river story someone posted. Every single day we do something right, we're eons ahead of the previous one.

Thanks, Cat, for the encouragement. Like I tell DD11, nothing suceeds like success <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm ashamed to admit this, and typed it up several times over the last few weeks, only to get as far as the "Preview Post" part.

I have not discussed this with my H at all for fear that he would repeat it to others, or threaten to. Because it's embarassing to me that something that is a simple greeting to most people affects me like this. My silence with H on this issue when I am vocal about others issues seems wrong to me, too.

This lack of physical touch and affection with H is really getting to me. Where I live, we are a touchy huggy kiss-on-the-cheek people, and usually it doesn't affect me. I just feel welcomed or greeted, as was the intent. But lately, it takes me concious effort not to just sink into one of these. Takes me effort to be the first to let go. The most obvious answer is to strengthen my boundaries by taking a hands-off policy until I don't feel like this any more. And to talk to my IC about how to speak up to H about this in a respectful way.

But I think posting this, I will feel more accountable to cut this out.