Jilly, thanks for sharing that somg with me. Last night, I was driving home alone from a family dinner, just didn't work out to drive there together, and I was flipping around the radio looking for a song that I'd like to get good at to sing to H. And I heard that song, but didn't hear enough to figure out what it was about. About seeking out the presence of our loved ones, while we can. Thanks.

Funny, I'm writing on a site about building marriages, and then I hear gunshots from the TV. H was watching some shoot-em-up, DD6 cringing and hiding her head in DD11's lap. So I go in there, calmly turn off the TV, and tell H calmly that I'm deeply dissappointed, because I had been working really hard to trust his judgement. He slinks off to put the empty beer bottles in the recycling. It took me what, 1 minute to lose that internal focus I've been working on for some time now. But I feel my focus to look at what I need to do returning already, and I know I'll get there.

(((Ears)))

Have I told you today how much I respect your choice to keep trying.

The song... I had no idea prior to looking up his biography online after watching that DVD was about his time in a mental hospital.

You wanna know what I thought the lyrics were before. The opening line that starts with Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you.

I thought it was the Siouxs and the Plains they made put an end to you. Had always thought that song was about the treatment of Native Americans... the fire and rain seemed to fit into my misconception about the song. After researching and then looking at the lyrics I know now that Suzanne was someone he met in the mental hospital... someone whose life ended. Song takes on a whole new meaning for me now. I think I might like the song even more now that I really know what it is written about and I didn't think it was possible for me to like that song anymore that I already did. That's the thing about learning and getting more clarity... like the make sense article... now I have more information.

Thank you so much for sharing that with me right now. It really encouraged me to know that I am not alone in losing my focus... can happen quickly and that we CAN choose to regain our focus just as quickly. Up to us. I know you will get there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jilly

Oh yes, I know the feeling, it seems as soon as I turn away I lose everything that seemed so clear a moment before. It seems I need constant reminders.

I love that song too, thanks for reminding me of it. Just as an example of how we hear different things... I thought it was about some design for an airplane that he called Suzanne! I have no idea where that came from.

Jayney,

I think this is where MB helps me a lot... to practice those skills and also to be reminded that I am not alone and that others are on the road too... reaching for clarity and making adjustments.

LOL... and thanks for sharing that you thought it was about a plane. I agree about how we all hear different things... I think probably that has a lot to do with our own experiences.

Jilly

Thanks, Jilly. My choice to be present in my marriage is something that I don't question anymore, even on the bad days. But I remember when I did keep questioning that choice. I felt so powerless to create a life I wanted. Looking back, I think because I'm an optimist and a hard worker in a lot of things, I didn't catch how deeply depressed I was. I understand the signs a lot better now. The lack of enjoyment in things I used to like to do. The overwhelming feeling of being a failure. The feeling of being powerless in my life; that others were in control of my options.

Ears,

I so understand this. I had no clue that I was handing over my own power and then I was upset about it... and blamed others for my own choice. Sheesh... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Wow Ears, I had not thought about it like that before... because I think I am also an optimist and a hard worker... so I didn't attribute depression. Seems like kinda an oxymoron that a person can be both an optimist and also depressed but now that I think about that more... it makes "MY" sense.

In the past I believed that what I was maybe going through was situational depression, but when you feel like that for say longer than six months or so... then I don't think you can call that situational any longer.

Thanks for sharing that with me. I am always grateful for what you share because I find your post lead me to think about things... widen my persective. It is very helpful.

Okay I am going to start the new Villagers thread here on the EN board. I believe I am ready to do this exercise again.

Jilly

What my therapist told me when asking me to get on ADs was that, since I had lived with a repressive situation for so many years, over 20 years, my optimistic, hard-working body/mind just went into hibernation and protected itself with depression. If I had been a weaker, less-hard-working person or had started out with pessimism, I would have given up much earlier - had a breakdown or something. But because I wouldn't give up, I took all the suffering upon myself. That's how the depression comes about; your body stops producing the normal amount of chemicals that 'happy' people get, out of self-protection and just not getting any happy stimuli.

Sorry if this is not proper, but will you guys go over to KLD's thread in QGII? She just got some bad news.

Cat, thanks for the explanation, that makes a lot of sense. The part that I don't understand is how I fell into that "learned helplessness" when I "knew better." The folks here and in Alanon believing in me, helped me believe in myself and get the consistency that I'd been working for for years. In combination with taking the ADs for 18 months. Why did I need this external reinforcement instead of being able to give that to myself or getting it from the books I read? Why did it take that extra step?

I can tell you that the next time I see those signs, I will right away get back on the ADs and spending time with happy folks again. Maybe that is why an MB Weekend with follow-up is so effective compared to books alone when motivation is flagging.

Cat, would you be willing be a mentor to me off the board? A lot of time I'd like to post for brainstorming help but it's not marriage related. I have an Alanon sponsor, but I have a lot of questions that are not alcoholism-related, either. You have a way of writing that really helps me see things from a different perspective. If you are interested, please send me an email at If you are not enthusiastic, or too busy, I promise not to be offended.

Ears,

Would it be alright for me to email you?

Jilly

Sure, jilly, anytime. I'm going to delete my email out of my post once I hear back from cat, but feel free to get it now.

We have a off-the board weight loss support, and we have the most amazing people sign up. I can't name names, but some people you already know and like. But it's so quiet over there! Maybe we just don't have much to talk about weight-loss wise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I really like the expression "hanging with the winners," and I really like having you guys as part of my life. But alot of stuff I do post on the board just isn't marriage-related enough, KWIM? I am having difficulty with a few issues, and then a thought came to me, that it'd be really cool to have a mentor like cat.

But imagine a small group of us, how cool that would be, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, my H sees the MB banner on the screen, and thinks I'm obsessing about him, even when I'm not talking about him. And he's complained that spending so much time reading about people's M problems, that I may be hyperfocusing on his actions, compared to if I had friends that we talked about whatever we wanted, not just marriages. He's asked me to cut down my time here, many times, and that's been hard for me to do. Very hypocritical, huh? So I thought by connecting by email, not talking about M stuff, that I would be enthusiastic about.

Do you see any truth to that? I asked my IC about goals, and he said that we worked on the ones that he had for me, which was to tackle the anxiety, and now it is my turn. I'm at a loss. Maybe things are okay, I do have a plan, and I don't need IC?

Ears,

Thank you so much. I would also like to be a part of a small group... to discuss other stuff. I do email with a couple of people from here. I will send you a quick email now... just reply back that you got it so that I can be sure you are added to my email contact list.

Thanks for including me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jilly

EO~ Not sure if you remember, but a while ago, I said something like the above about myself. I came here and read how good people handled situations or how good or bad their marriage was and I was constantly comparing myself to them, then feeling awful because I wasn't where they were. I would also read what people's husbands did and look for my husband to do the same thing, etc.

Ears,

I had a problem because of the period after com. in your post. So it wouldn't send... after I took the . out after com it went... Let me know if ya got it.

Jilly

Thanks, bte, I do remember that now. I don't consciously feel like I'm comparing. If i did compare, I think I'd feel pretty good, because with most of my IRL friends have divorced or have marriages that I couldn't live a week in. Like that woman in that movie The Hours who moves to Canada and her family never sees her again.

Jilly, I got your mail!

Ears,

I like that expression to... hanging with the winners. There was something that Tony Robbins said about that that I liked too.

Very <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I get this too... and I do think that there are some aspects of MB that may be triggers for me...I am not really sure how to explain it exactly.

But my DH has also said similar things before so I hear you on that as well.

I am still working on tackling the anxiety but I am not currently seeing an IC right now. Not that I don't have her on speed dial just in case, but that I maybe don't need a weekly session right now. How often do you see your IC?

Jilly

Hi ears, I just got back from piano lesson (across town), and D17 driving home, so I'm trying to calm my nerves, lol. I sent you an email, but I probably won't check for a few hours, want to get a lot of work done today.

Every two weeks. I was just so ready to feel better and normal again. Now I do feel like myself again, and my house feels like home again. I do feel whole, complete, and lovable. But I felt relatively okay back when things were so crappy, too, so I wonder if it's okay that I am choosing to sit down and enjoy the rest, or if I should be busy sharpening my sword and arming myself for the next battle.

Ears,

LOL on the sword sharpening... what if you just considered doing maintenance IC? Maybe go down to once a month and see how that goes, and then you can either increase it or decrease depending on your needs at the time?

I trust your awareness to know when you need to ask for help.

Jilly