I'm not happy that she's sad and in pain. I am thrilled that we've hit this milstone. Much further to go but these are the words and the affirmation I've been waiting for 8 weeks to hear!

Please someonone tell me if I can append "F" to WW.

Also what is the best way to support her through this??

Call me cynical, but time to be alone usually means time to spend with the affair partner. Like Melody says, if she wants time alone, she can go into the bathroom and lock the door.

Sounds like she sees the consequences of her actions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Good luck as your recovery continues!

edited to add:
Ooops! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I guess I don't know your sitch too well. I'll defer to those that do.

Ditto what believer said. Time alone and "space" to find herself is usually code for "I sure am glad of the opportunity to keep on working on the adultery without your interference." I hope I'm wrong, but only a couple of days ago you were concerned she was still getting and replying to emails from OM. Beyond words, what has changed of any significance? Words are cheap. I'd look for some action before I got optimistic.

She's still working with him, right? She's on a leave of absence but she'll go back to her old office where the EA started, developed into a PA, and flourished for a long time, unless I've misinterpreted things in your other thread. That means the adultery is still on, and just one tiny step away from flaring back up into full-blown sexual activity.

It's nice she's saying she's "sorry she hurt you," but no *F*WS wants to take off and go away and "think".

As the others said, "I need space to think" virtually always means "I need space to continue my affair without you interfering."

A true *F*WS can't get their butt home fast enough in order to start taking care of things THERE.

Let us know when she wants to be with YOU instead of ditching you and ignoring you again to go "think".
Mulan

Believer - thanks for the skepticisim. I need reality checks. FYI - she's out of state & with her mother. And need time alone to calm the storm is no joke. She's been a mess for 8 mos.

ChaCha - thank you for the well wishes. This is a HUGE deal for my W to own up to this. All I got from the first A was a reluctant apology AFTER I insisted on it in a shouting match.

Cautiously optimistic.

am I the only person that caught this?


THAT does not sound like someone trying to get away from you. I completely understand the desire to NOT want to deal with people when this is going on, but for recovery to begin you have to participate with your spouse. I don't see in her remarks where sha said she also wanted to be away from you. I see the opposite in fact. She wants to be away from everyone except you.

That is what I read. Does it earn her an F? no. one email does not earn you an F. A history of actions earns you an F. And as we have seen, an F can be lost by a single action. Just like trust. Easy to lose, hard to build.

Shes not a FWW yet. Perhaps she's headed that way... not sure.

This whole 'I need to think things out' and 'I need to calm the storm' stuff lets you know she's still not quite there. It's all related to her affair.

Two affairs in only five years of marriage is a problem. Why do you think she keeps doing this?

My ws went away for a week too.. I also know for a fact that he did not go to continue the affair. He was at mutual friends the entire time in another state. He too has been depressed for months even before the A began. So I do beleive you are seeing good things from her. However, don't expect miracles when she comes back. I think they go away to try to convince themselves of why they did it etc... However, when she gets back do not let her justify her actions. FACE THE AFFAIR!! She will want to focus on all that led to it, and the I am sorry buts.... Believe me, my dh just got back Sunday and this has been our battle. He wants to work on things but not face the reality of being sorry for the A. It is like it would be a slap in the face to the OW. It is a strange ride. Be prepared!!

It could also mean that she's not comfortable yet facing the damage that she caused.

OK. So I'm convinced the "F" has not yet been earned. Still a wayward, but a step in the right direction.

Tell me about withdrawal. Is this not what withdrawal looks like?

Longhorn - beyond words, nothing has changed. I was skeptical that she was in contact with OM based on my gut. Could not decide if she was withdrawn or in contacct. I had not evidence either way. You're right, words are not evidence. Good point. Actions are evidence.

So if she's trying to throw me off the trail, it's working. Admitting to any kind of wrong, especially one this big is WAY out character. Which is why I guess I'm putting so much stock into these words.

With respect to her job - she was holding on to it for health insurance reasons. Friday we decided she should quit and I'd get COBRA coverage. She emailed her VP who has asked to speak with her on the phone. They've been unable to connect.

Sundog - if she's thinking stuff out related to the affair then that's a good thing, right?? A week and a half ago when I brought up the A to ask about whether she was was OM when I was out of town I got the same, fogged out WW talk that I got while I KNEW she was in in affair. No remorse. No talk of betrayal. Only justification and attacking. Even though they are only words, is the change in vocabulary meaningless?

As to two affairs in 5 years, I've got a lot to say about why I think she keeps doing this that would easily eat up an hour. My take is this = difficulty coping with life stress in a healthy and mature way. Both As grew out difficult times.

Thanks everyone for level setting me. That's what I wanted to hear. Don't want to get too carried away with a single email. Even though they words are marvelous to hear.

Not if it's a permanent change accompanied by a change of behaviour. However, vaccilation is a common behaviour in WS's, so I'm hesistant to see how she behaves over time.

Also I should say that I encouraged my W to go away to her mother's. I agressively moved up the timeline. The A was still active and I wanted her remove himself from the work environment and get around her mother and family who draw her 'real' self out. I went out with her the first week and it wasn't 2 days before I started seeing glimpses of the W and mother I thought I married.

It is a strange ride.

Thanks wounded. I know that we have not yet begun. And there are rocky times ahead. Definitely good advice to face the A when she gets back. We scheduled some phone time tomorrow evening - my idea - for her to talk and me to listen. Without judgement. I'm taking this in small steps. Definintely not ready to declare victory with an email. Like I said, it's significant that she is empathizing and taking responsibility. It's just not something she does.

MiM I definintely think she's not yet comfortable facing the damage. I think it might be hard for her.

We're at the VERY beginning of this I know. Thanks for everyone's posts.

So cautious optimism, right? I mean there has to be optimisim doesn't there? Hope??

That worries me, MDC. When a man or woman chooses, repeat, chooses to address a difficulty (or perceived difficulty) by committing adultery, it is often an indication of a character flaw. Difficult times call for more integrity, not less. I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

I think you feel you two did not address the first adultery properly and you're attempting to address this latest adultery as (more or less) an extension of the first "difficulties." If you do, though, it makes following SAA precepts crucial, right down to the letter, instead of applying bits and pieces of Dr. Harley's programs.

I wish you the best of luck in this. There are some hopeful signs. If she will actually quit that job even when the VP gets through to her, I’ll be more optimistic. She’s nowhere near a FWW though. Sorry.

That's OK. I'm no where near done working on this!


It worries me too Longhorn. Believe me. There is a LOT to get through here. 2 As, my own crap and hers as well. We both need ICs and MCs. Geez. Add 2 kids, work on top of that and I ask myself HOW can it happen? What's going to give me or her the energy to get through it?? What if we don't make it??

I ask myself those questions every day. I answer myself by reminding to have faith in me, her and us. Faith that we CAN get through to the other side. It's a mess. No doubt.



Can you elaborate? What is not being followed? I totally messed up the exposure part. I didn't understand enough about Plan A or why to expose to do it. I was also not at strong enough place within myself. Weak. Terrified that she would leave. That's just where I was at the time. I've been moving away from the center of WW and I - our M -to my own center. If I was anywhere near my own center at the time, I would have exposed. I wasn't.

Thanks for your support, Longhorn. And your vigilance on my behalf. VERY much appreciated.

I was thinking more of the exposure issue than anything else, MDC...along with a little suggestion SAA needs to be studied, not just read. I agree the exposure is a moot issue now IF she leaves that job and you can nail down the inconsistency about the emails.

MDC

It is at the very minimum a step in the right direction.

But sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back.

Admitting there is a problem is the first step though.

I agree that words sometimes are meaningless. She needs to now show you she meant what she said. Make sure she knows your EN's and see how committed she is to filling those. That will tell you a lot. You need to fill hers to by the way. If she starts taking your EN's to heart you will start to know where you stand.

Regarding the emails why can't you find them? Use keystroke software on your home computer. It logs everything. My FWW changed her password and I installed it. I got her password the next day. It will tell you every web address she visited and the passwords. She probably does not send them from her work email address she probably sends them from a yahoo type account. Install it one day and then leave for a few hours when she is home. Give her the opportunity to go on line without fear of you coming home.

But the good news for you is it seems like on the surface she is turning in the right direction.

Good Luck

I can't believe this - I wrong a page-long response to LH and YoH as well as an update. Hit the wrong key and it all got wipped out. Grrr. I need a keylogger on MY computer for such goofs.

Anyway thanks LH and YoH for caring enough to post. I'll recharge and re-writte here in a bit.

MDC, (assuming you were typing in the Quick Reply text box) when that happens, right click back in the text box and select "undo." It should bring most/all your text right back to you.