This should be YOUR CHOICE. You are their father and the only one who is protecting their interests right now. Unless the OM is removed, I would yank them out of there. And make sure the board understands why you had to do it.

Thank you guys for the support and the advice.

Oh one more thing I don't think that she would talk to me
about this or anything else, she always uses the silent treatment when she want to punish me.

so I'm not worried about saying anything to her.
oh one more thing OMW told me that this is OM 2nd time
she saw him kissing one of the teachers a few years back, at midnight in a parking lot and this put a stop to that affair, she said it was not physical yet, and she found out on time.
I told my wife that she is the 2nd one, she said I don't belive you, call his wife I said.
was that an LB?
and the teacher is her best friend should I give her the Identity of that person?

Absolutely not! That is good that you said that. Just be REAL CAREFUL about what you say about the OM, though. It is ok to state a fact like you did, but don't trash him. If you trash him [and believe me, he deserves to be trashed] she will come to his defense. You don't want that.

So, if she gives you the silent treatment, let her be. Don't let her manipulate you. Just be cool, calm and content. Go about your life as if nothing has happened. You are Mr. Cool. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

YES!! Tell her now.

Post deleted by 213601

Have you read about lovebusters? Go read this article about lovebusters, especially about disrespectful judgements.

Right now it will be REAL IMPORTANT to not lovebust her. Once contact is ended with the OM, she is going to go into withdrawal. You need to be seen as an attractive alternative. That means no lovebusters.

Does she like it when you make sure she has cash? That might be a good opportunity to fill her lovebank. If so, then you should continue to do it.

Lovebusters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

withdrawal: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

213,

You are doing a great job exposing this sleazy affiar. Do not be intimidated by your WW. I was in a similar postion to you when I exposed my WW's affair and she tried many of the same tactics (i.e silent treatment and treats). Don't back down and don't appologize for doing the right thing.

Families usually side with the WS and they will try to justify the affair as well. Don't worry about that.

Your WW will try to manipulate you now so it's important that you stand your ground. Don't let the threats and tactics scare you into backing down. The A is WRONG and you did the RIGHT thing by speaking the TRUTH by EXPOSING. It took a tremendous amount of courage to do what you did. I'm sure you feel confused and scared right now, however you have regained control and in the months to come you will realize you did the right thing.

Expect plenty of babble over the next few days so you may want to read up on Orchid's signature threads on reverse babble. It's the most effective way of dealing with fog babble.

You did good and I can't stress enough that you shouldn't feel bad about what you did. You stood up for your family and the sleaziness of adultery. Well done my frined!

Yes, since this is part of Plan A, however do not enable her A by doing things like watching the kids while she goes out with OM.

You sonund much like me last year when I was worried about everything being a LB'er. Don't worry so much and stand up for what is right.


This is not bad and is the type of reverse babble that you need engage your WW in. Again, don't worry so much about LB'ing since I get the feeling you are trying very hard to be NICE to your WW.

Remember your emotions are controllable you have control over them they don't have control over you.... You have to think seriously of your WW as being a your wifes body and a trout head blabbing away with piss and vinegar.... its not real its meant to sting you, your heart your soul...

she knows the only way to get you to back down to back off of her fantasy is either appease or torment you. What happens is like a child caught in a lie, they will spin 180 degrees if they feel they are not getting what they want... first they will say your a mean mean person.. if you sit there and smile and reverse babble and don't get triggered, they will flip and say things like I love you but not in love with you and how am i suppose to feel... blah blah blah...

I am going through this right now

Stay strong Stay confident and stay on target... remember this is a multi-month multi-year operation its not going to change overnight.

I was feeling really good after I read all these replies thank you guys.

Then I got home watched a movie with the kids put them in bed,
Told WW I was going out for a while and I will stop by the store
To get an item we needed.
Why so late are you going to tell more people about this? She said
No I just need some fresh air.
She said you promised you wouldn’t tell OMW why did you do that?
I said you promised you weren’t going to sleep with him anymore and he is just
A friend and you broke your promise first; I never said that she said.
I know I should have stopped talking.
But I couldn’t stop myself; I told her I was tired of being a doormat
And I did what I thought is right and I don’t feel bad about it.
She said I hate you, I don’t want to see you’re face anymore.

And I only treat the kid’s bad when you are around me; I’m fine when you’re not
Around, I told her don’t blame me for you’re own relation with the kids,
She said I’m not blaming you I’m telling you how I feel.

And you’re the one that was not affectionate all these years,
She is right you know I know this is the truth it’s not the fog,

Then it hit me.

It’s over I lost all the hope right then,
And I asked myself why would she want to come back to me?
She thinks I’m a jerk I never gave her affection, I know I’ve changed
But how am I going to prove it to her especially when she doesn’t want anything
To do with me?
I think I’ve been in denial all this time, I know I took her love for granted
Now I’m paying for it, it’s my entire fault, and I ‘m suffering for it.

I should tell her that she is absolutely right and I have no right to ask her to work on
Our marriage since I was the one that caused the problem, and I do love her
With all my heart but I should let her go, at least one of us will be happy.

I feel hopeless and scared I don’t know what to do.

HELLLLLLP.

213, let's not lose perspective here. Sure, there were marital problems before the affair, but you are only 50% responsible for them. Lets not allow her to turn this around and make you the bad guy, ok?

So, your marriage was not great beforehand. That does not mean it can't be great in the future. That is the entire goal of Plan A. Its goal is to demonstrate that you CAN have a good marriage in the future.

So, emphasize to her that you agree your marriage was not good in the past, but that that marriage is DEAD. You want to have a GREAT marriage and you know you can if you both work hard at it.

Now, she will not accept that now because she does not WANT to accept that. She wants to shift the blame TO YOU. But, this means that you don't try to convince her with WORDS, but you convince her with ACTIONS. And after awhile she will catch on.

What you must do in the meantime is set the stage PROPERLY so that recovery can take place. That means you bust up this affair and strive for her to END ALL CONTACT. She must end all contact with this man, even if it means removing your children. If there is still contact, she won't withdraw from the OM.

So, work on that right now and work on doing your best to fill her needs. That latter will be next to impossible until contact ends, though.

This is far, far from hopeless, my friend, so do not despair. We will tell you when it is time to throw in the towel, and you ain't even CLOSE yet.

You do not HAVE to fight for this marriage

but even if you choose O U T

you still should consider learning better marital skills right now

might as well practice on this wife, right?

whatever you are incapable of doing in this marriage ... you carry that lack of skill into your future relationships

you still owe it to yourself to gain experience at better communication

Pep

Man, do you always talk in circles??? Would you believe the same line of crap from a drug addict that is high??? An alcoholic who is drunk???

Yes, you did contribute to the state of your marriage pre A, so did your WW, but your WW made the choice, the conscious decision to have an A instead of talking to you and getting counseling or a D. So, make no mistake the A is her doing not yours, she is 100% responsible for the A, NOT YOU!

Now if a drug addict or an alcoholic was asking you why you flushed their drugs or poured their alcohol down the toilet what would you say??? Would you beat yourself up as you have done here??? I think not! The same holds true for your exposure. You have done the right thing here, DO NOT LET HER MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR EXPOSURE.

Do not ever forget this! It is never wrong to fight for your marriage and your family! It is definitely wrong to destroy or enable someone who is destroying your family and marriage!

Think about it!

That was a BAD PROMISE. Tell her you made a bad promise. And the only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise.

I just wanted to pipe in and say, don't put yourself down. If she says something to you about your problems, and you feel she is correct, acknowledge them and your willingness to work on them. But everyone has faults, you are responible for yours, she is responsible for hers. Each of you needs to own that part and be willing to work on your share. It sounds to me she has her share to work on so don't be so willing to give up. Fight for your marriage if you feel it's worth fighting for. The investment you have put over the years isn't trivial to consider throwing away.

thanks guys I don't fel bad for exposing the A,
I don't feel responsible for her A but I'm responsible for the pre A problem.
this woman loved me like nobody else did and I took it for granted.
we talked about her ending contact with OM at this point
for her it's out of the question.


School will be out soon it doesn't matter if she wants to see him she will, I'm counting on OM wife to try on her side, she already succeded in having him confes to his pastor and seek counceling, so my best bet for NC is going to be the OM side, I will still try to do my part, but she is refusing right now, that's why I'm so down ans hopless.

I don't know nothing anymore.
should I back of for a while?

Response: Yes and when we got married, you promises in front of God and others to forsake all others till death do us part...what happened to your promise?

guy - let me add my voice to those who have already told you that you did the right thing.

Stand tall and proud.

Do not cower to her.

Do not argue with her about what has taken place the last few days. Do not lower yourself into her cess pool by trying to defend your actions to her. No defense is needed.

....for now.

This is a 100% predictable position for her - for the time being.

Do not react to it because it is temporary.

Think long range. Do not react to every current in her river.

Think
long
range.

OK?

Like WAT and Melody have said. Be proud of what you've done and apologize for no part of it. Regret only that you did not do it earlier and to more people.

21, all wayward spouses "rewrite history" in order to justify the incredibly selfish and cruel betrayals they have done. It's how they trick their core of basic honesty most of us have inside us to guide us through life. If they don’t subvert that essential bit of integrity, they couldn’t do the things they do to their marriage, their spouses and children, their extended family and ultimately, to themselves.

Unfortunately, looking back, many betrayed spouses see things they could have done better in their marriages. Fed by their wayward spouse's constant barrage of rewritten history, some betrayed ones come to believe they are primarily at fault for most/all problems in the marriage. That feeling is as false as the rewritten wayward version of the marital history.

I suggest you lay aside the feelings that you’ve been wrong all along. First, they aren't true and second, this is not the time to deal with those problems. The right time will come when your wayward wife agrees to NC, goes through withdrawal, and sees everything in a better light. Until she does, she will not be ABLE to negotiate with you in couples counseling to resolve the old issues. That’s why you see admonitions from various posters here on MB that MC is worthless while the adultery is still ongoing.

For now, 21, just deal with her terribly cruel choice to indulge herself with an adultery. It's enough to have an adultery on anyone's plate without fatally complicating the solution to this issue, and all other problems, by dealing with everything at once. Take care of this first; then make the marriage stronger later.

Thanks a lot Guys,
I feel better when I read this.

thank you for your concern