In a few weeks it’s our 13-year anniversary,
I always take her out for a nice dinner, should I plan on it, or don’t even ask?
Or maybe just a nice card?

Since it is weeks away....

keep the date open and wait and see which way the wind is blowing at that time

I always vote "YES" for good food prepared by experts and brought directly to me by pleasant smiling humans... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Hi 21,

I exposed my WW's A to anyone who could influence an end to the A. My WW was absolutely livid! She said I had no idea what betrayal feels like. Of course, I assured her that I do.

For weeks,she denied her A and blamed everything on my imagination. Finally, she turned the corner and no longer denies it. It is too early to know what the outcome will be. It took me a while to expose and the only regret I have is not exposing sooner.

Just give it time. Nobody can predict what will happen but at least you refused to sit back and not do anything positive to help your WW or your M. Of that you should be proud.

Joe,

Please do not fear your WW's anger...you are trained to fear it, maybe even believe it means the opposite of love...it does not.

Here's where you get a firm grip on respect...knowing what is yours and what is NOT yours...

She has her own feelings, thoughts and beliefs...they are hers. Remember? Do not fear them...you did not cause them, cannot cure them or control them...what you can do is respect them. Acknowledge them...they are valid. They are hers.

You have your own...when you feel fear, you may quickly experience anger or frustration right after that fear feeling...know this is you...not her doing it to you...stay separate and equal. Acknowledge your own fear to yourself...it's valid...your feelings, thoughts and beliefs are yours...

Hug yourself...do not doubt yourself...your self is whole and complete and as marvelously made as any of us here...know this, Joe. This is honest soothing...reassurance of truth for your truth...breathe, walk, stretch...and listen and repeat to your WW...do not argue, attempt to persuade...repeat her words back to her with choice...

"I hate you!"

"I hear you feel like you hate me right now."

"This won't stop anything!"

"I hear you're choosing to destroy two families through infidelity."

Soft, calm, earnestness...because you are hearing and handing back...hear and hand back. Not yours...hers.

You can do this. You ARE doing this. Did you do the RC questionnaire? Do you know a lot of RC stuff your wife liked? Can you plan for that stuff once a week...yes, I'm asking you to date your WW...I did my WH...and yes, it was important...

Like Pep quoted BobPure...you've gone to Knight status...it doesn't get easier after exposure; you just get to live in a swath of truth instead of in the dark...maybe where you didn't know her shame ended and yours began.

LA

***I exposed my WW's A to anyone who could influence an end to the A. My WW was absolutely livid! She said I had no idea what betrayal feels like.***

Omigod - if that doesn't belong in the WS Hall Of Shame, I don't know what does.

Todd, how did you keep from laughing out loud when she said that?

21, does this help you to see what you are dealing with here - as in, the complete and total lack of logic that every WS is afflicted with?

Hang in there and do NOT let her scare you! Remember this post. Your WW is quite likely to say the same sort of thing!
Mulan

It’s weird LA I forgot to mention in my post this morning

Somehow this is exactly what I told her,

Thank you for your honesty

You always tried to say less so you don’t hurt me with your truth.
I respect you more now because you shared your true feelings with me

And I respect that, this is the first time you told me that you hated me,
This is the first time you told me that I wasn’t affectionate enough with you
And I acknowledge that.
Than you for being honest with me.

Wow, Joe...how did you feel saying that? Talk about heroic...and true.

Would you feel attacked by me if I fine-tuned something...it's important, I promise:

"You always tried to say less so you don’t hurt me with your truth."

"I believe you have tried to say less so you don't hurt me with your truth."

(again...fine tuning...but you're the leader, so it matters)

"And I respect that, this is the first time you told me that you hated me,
This is the first time you told me that I wasn’t affectionate enough with you
And I acknowledge that."

"And I respect that. This is the first time I heard you tell me you hated me. And the first time I heard you say I wasn't affectionate enough with you. I acknowledge that."

Again...your essence is there...upping the ownership...negates argument, see? Nothing to argue against. You really got a WOW out of me, Joe. Believe in your truth...know your power...and it is you respecting what isn't yours (and wasn't) which is enabling you to respect yourself more, for what is.

Big kudos...now, how do you feel?

LOL

Ain't I a pain?

LA

Oh I tell you it felt realy good when I said that.

and please feel free to correct me anytime you want LA.

Hey, not correcting...fine tuning. Yeah, that's it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Can you see the difference in the wording? These are for phrasing in your mind, as well. You get to self-coach...you have to keep your sticky fingers off of what is hers even in your mind. And yes, the reward is feeling great...no longer sagging under the irresponsibility of what is hers on your shoulders.

There's more where that came from, too...of great feelings. In Plan A, you learn more about yourself, instead of seeing you through her eyes...and doing that, making that choice, changes everything.

Know how they say a good Plan A will either give you your marriage or a you who can stand on your own? Well, standing on your own, owning what you stand for, is what makes you a great marriage partner...fully aware of your own power, your own part...Plan A is like bootcamp...builds self-respect, love and gratitude.

Be grateful for yourself...you're doing Plan A!

LA

Thank you LA

I was going to ask her if she is feeling better today.

Should I even if she is not talking to me?

Nope...I wouldn't. See, you're in a pattern you have to break...knowing how she's feeling instead of stating how you are feeling, what you are thinking...respect is knowing humans share...digging is disrespectful right now...what looked like concern pre-A, TLC, might have been each of you depending on the other's feelings to tell you how you're doing.

I was so much like this, I wanted to get a bumper sticker made that said, "1-800-How'sMyLiving?"

Break this pattern...ask yourself for your truth...why do you want to know if she is feeling better today?

LA

I guess I always found joy in taking care of her.

I believe you're right, she is responsible for her own feelings.

I'm always worried that I would say the wrong thing.

See, you see the difference...

between taking care of...

and be responsible for...

One is honoring, filling ENs...from your choice to love...

the other is disabling, denigrating and disrespectful...

You are responsible for half your marriage...think of it like a third circle...you got your circle, which over laps the marriage...she has hers, which overlaps the marriage...and then the third circle IS the marriage.

Right now, you are honoring the marriage, even when you cannot truly honor your wife...because she's WW...that's how you stay loyal and faithful...to the marriage and your part.

Your fear of saying the wrong thing comes from being responsible for her reaction. The fear lessens the more you do what you did today...own only your part...not hers, too.

You're doing this. You really are.

LA

She never ceases to astonish me.

I got home last night she was doing laundry
I got the load out of the drier, to notice that she took my cloth out of the pile
Put them on the flour and only washed her cloth and the kids.

Wow I didn’t say anything yet but I’m sure it will come up sometime soon
I feel so used it’s like she is committing adultery and I’m still doing all my husbandly duty
I break a bad promise and tell OMW and she is punishing me for it. Another WOW.
How should I deal respond or maybe ask her about this?

Or should I ignore it?

She's trying to bait you into an argument.

She's trying to hurt you because of your exposure of her affair.

Quite childish behavior, huh?

Does she remind you of an adolescent?

Very, very typical WS behavior.

A good sign, actually.

Ignore most of this behavior. Don't take the bait.

She will likely escalate her taunts and you'll have to draw a line in the sand eventually. But laundry on the floor is not the cue.

When the right cue comes, react calmly and confidently. Stand up for yourself and "command" respect by your presence and fortitude. We cannot describe exactly when and how to do this. You have to.

DO NOT retaliate in a tit for tat way. You are not childish.

WAT

Thanks WAT I kind knew that, I guess I will do a load
on the weekend with all the cloth in it.
But wouldn't that show a weakness,like I'm giving in? she already thinks that I'm weak, and she doesn't have respect for me anymore.

no sweat.
it does hurt Though.
espacialy with everything I still do for her.
Oh well.

I'm not wat, but --
If you continue to act like a mature husband, as you have done lately, you won't do the spiteful little things your wife is doing but you will continue to do the right thing as though you had not noticed what she did or didn't do.

She wants a fight. Pick your battles. Don't let it be over the laundry. You are the grownup. She's a tantruming toddler. You took her dangerous toy away. She's in withdrawal.

You're doing great.

WAT and Bellevue are spot on, Joe...

You're breaking the pattern...the dance...and she is doing what she has always done...retaliate...

"Wow I didn’t say anything yet but I’m sure it will come up sometime soon"

Here is where I would acknowledge..."I see you are not including my clothes."

Simple...and yes, you do them yourself, if necessary. Acknowledge...not argue. You are stating reality--it's your job; somebody's gotta do it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"I feel so used it’s like she is committing adultery and I’m still doing all my husbandly duty"

Here is where you're kicking your own butt, Joe. Beware. You are not being used...you have the expectation ingrained in you to give to get...and you're breaking that cycle...it's a tough one to discontinue. When you feel used, talk to yourself and acknowledge the give to get expectation and give yourself a mental hug. You're choosing to love...not giving to get.

"I break a bad promise and tell OMW and she is punishing me for it. Another WOW." You haven't seen all the ways you both punished each other over the years? If you didn't do, she didn't reward? Went silent? Withdrew? Or you? React to reaction? I think you're being stunned now by how far that mindset can go...how twisted and manipulative it really is...quite a WOW...breathe deeply and know you're no longer living that way.

Just like Bellevue said...you're being a mature husband now...give this time, your effort and attention...and know your own signals inside...they are yours.

LA

I don't think she is in withdrawl yet I believe she is still in contact with OM no SF but phone and email, now
the pastor called me last night and according to him
OM is working on marriage with his BW.

and that the principl had talked to my WW and offered My WW a whole range of counceling help, and my WW agreed to
use them.
she didn't tell me that.
all she told me is that the principal was nice and told her that we all make Mistakes.

and she told me that she hated me and that OM will always be her friend for ever.

I did not say a word.

should I state to her that the pastor called me and told me about the conversation with the principal?
or should I call the principal and ask for the help available? maybe I could use it.

that snooping thing is unbearable,
how do you get over the hurt, or how do you shut it down,
I hate doing this with a passion.