213,

They are still communicating????

I think another call to OM's W might be in order!!!

And one to the pastor. This does not sound like the OM is working on his M to me!

Cut off your W's cell phone! She couldn't get any more pi$$y could she?

kirk

absolutely. You must tell her that the church knows and that the her OM has stated he wants to work on the marriage.

You should also contact the pastor, the principal and the OMW NOW and tell them that contact has continued and that they are still carrying on their affair. KEEP THE HEAT ON UNTIL CONTACT ENDS! If the OM is not removed and does not stop contacting your wife, you will have to expose this to the BOARD and the church at large.

Ask the pastor what he intends on doing about this? Ask him if he cannot keep his associate pastor from carrying on an affair with your W. The OM is not working on his marriage if he is still in contact with your wife. That is an =bvious lie. But you MUST notify the OMW, the OM's bosses, about every new contact.

"""should I state to her that the pastor called me and told me about the conversation with the principal?"""

What good would that do....? Not much, correct, then really doesn't need said.

"""that snooping thing is unbearable,
I know they're sending love messages but when I see some of the content, which is not R rated by the way, it hurts
how do you get over the hurt, or how do you shut it down,
I hate doing this with a passion."""

If they are still e-mailing.... Print out each e-mail and give a copy to the Pastor and one to OMW..... Don't say a word....

Then bust up this affair! You have them on the ropes, don't let them get back up. This might be the only chance you have to kill the affair. Let your wife know how widely exposed she is. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is watching!

213,

""Ask the pastor what he intends on doing about this? Ask him if he cannot keep his associate pastor from carrying on an affair with your W.""

THAT IS VERY AWESOME, MEL!!

I would like to see the pastor's face right after he hears this. (Do you have a picture phone?)

I was planing on contacting OMW to find out what's going on, I called yesterday and OM answered the phone,
I should have talked to him but I didn't at least he wasn't with my wife, right.

ahhhhhh, gotcha. Well, quit reading them! Just know that you are reading the messages of a falling down drunk expressing her "love" for booze. It is the equivalent, so don't take it too seriously. This guy is a sleazebag and she won't be too fond of him after the fog rolls out.

In the meantime, tell her about the conversation with the principal. The purpose of exposure is to EXPOSE, so make sure she knows he knows and what he said. It will cause her great disappointment to find out that OM wants to save his marriage. Go disappoint her!

OK ML
the principal already talked to her, she knows that the pastor knows, I will tell her that OM is working on his marriage.

Joe,

Sounds like you're asking how to stop the audio tapes in your head from the emails...reading their words...is that correct?

I know you won't believe it now, but they do fade...each time they begin, bless them and send them away immediately...not new information...only torment...you can control your thoughts...please believe this...and the more you practice doing this, the easier it gets.

Your brain isn't betraying you...where our mind dwells, there is our treasure...our brain believes you want to hear those words over and over again because that is where you're dwelling...train your brain differently. If you can rid yourself of the image or words before 10 seconds, you will not have the emotional punch to it...that's what I call blessing it and sending it past you...

If you dwell for longer, your brain happily retrieves the emotions which corresponded to reading those emails the first time...and you have to relive them over and over again.

Joe--be kind to yourself. Your brain doesn't know time...all of it is in the now...and it's a quick retrieval system...isn't being unkind...so bless and pass on the info...

You can do this...over time, brain knows, stops handing you this pain...when you pass on it. Each time you dwell, wrap your mind in circles around it, then brain thinks it's helping to give you what you want.

And for Mel's sake, this is the janitor, correct? Not the assistant pastor? You did re-expose on the 5/31 communications...that was just Monday, Joe. That's fresh pain...and it happens. We're all sorry and pulling for you. Take Mel's advice and be an advocate for truth...re-expose with every future contact...that's also boundary enforcement.

You're doing great. Be as kinder to yourself and you'll see more kindness in others and to others, I promise.

I remember the compulsion to snoop, re-read, decipher and decode...and since it's a fantasy, there is no logic, no deciphering...isn't encrypted...it's insane!

Did you tell OMW about MarriageBuilders? Will she come here for support and encouragement?

And is the pastor still allowing your WW to volunteer at the church/school? Or has that ended for now?

Protect yourself from OM and contact for yourself...when you do get through to OMW, and tell her about MB, then you will both be able to share info and get help without having to risk the pain of hearing WW or OM's voice.

We've been there...I used to have to call my WH's work and hear the OW answer and have to ASK for my husband...killed me. I swear. After our first MC, I sent flowers to work with a an unenveloped card that said, "Thank you for working on our marriage, Your Wife"....ROFL...took months for him to tell him how she urged him to throw them away, was terribly angry and took it out on coworkers...and he ended up giving them to another employee to take home...however, this was important...because what OW was saying, "Go back to your wife...I don't want to be a homewrecker...etc." wasn't really truth, was it?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Further down the road, Joe, there is reflection without pain...once you train your brain. I promise. You can get there.

LA

As usual, great advice, LA! So this is the janitor?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I don't have a problem talking to him LA I think he is remorsfull, we have a couple of mutual friends they tell me
he is a very nice helpful honest man.

so it might be good to talk to him I think I might be easier to convince him to NC than convincing my wife,
I was thinking maybe a meeting at the pastor's office
me him his wife and maybe my ww.

am I making sence or I'm in the fog to?

maybe it's me but I always tend to see the good in people, because I think their is good in every person.

I don't know some people think it's a blessing some think it's a curse.
sometimes I wonder myself.

Hey, Joe...I think a meeting with pastor and all four of you is great...and you knowing you're choosing does help, doesn't it?

About convincing...is that respectful? Wouldn't OM choosing NC and your wife choosing NC be as valuable as you making your choices? If you believe you convinced, you might not believe they made a choice...and others do...as do you.

Just a thought...I think truth shines, God guides and you are doing really well...I can't conceive of talking to OW or OM to this day...nada...nope.

LA

213601, I think that is a good idea to call him, but I would not be a part of any continued contact between the OM and your WW. Maybe a meeting with you and the pastor to speak to him? If that can't be arranged you could call him up and ask him what his intentions are with your wife. Ask him to try and be decent for a change and stop contacting her and stop accepting her communications.

I think that is a good idea, but you should not trust him, 213. He is not to be trusted and is NOT your friend or the friend of your wife. Just keep this in mind in all your dealings. While it is good to see GOOD in people, don't allow yourself to be BLIND to the BAD.

And more importantly, keep in mind that one of these two things is going to HAVE TO HAPPEN: a) you remove your children from this school or b) the OM leaves that school. Someone will have to leave in order for your marriage to EVER RECOVER. So perhaps you should have this discussion.

It's a fine line between convincing to chose and chosing,
I don't think they will chose NC on their on will, without help.
espacialy if they're still in the fog.
as I said earlier WW told me that he will be her friend for ever, I didn't respond to that but she belives this.

213601, have you told her that absolute no contact is your boundary? And that this boundary is NON-NEGOTIABLE? I would make sure she understands this. Your marriage cannot survive if any contact continues and she needs to know it.

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of ALL of you meeting in the pastors office. That would give the infidels a chance to see the FACES of the people they are victimizing.

Steve Harley once counseled a man here to go meet the OM face to face so the OM could put a FACE on the husband he is hurting. He believed this would be very effective. I know that Pepperband insisted on a group meeting with her H, the OW and the OWH to good effect.

ML the problem at this time is that WW doesn't want to work on M in her mind nothing will work.
and this woman can hold resentment for ever.
but I get your point.
I will not trust him I will watch his actions.
thanks

We hear this all the time. She will likely want to work on the marriage once contact has ended and she is through withdrawal. So, don't give up hope before you have even started.

It's a catch 22 isn't it

she is not talking to me.
she doesn't want to end contact, well so far I don't think they contacted yet.

and it won't get any better till they do end contact.

strange but true

She may not have a choice about ending contact. Just stick to your plan about disrupting the affair first and worry about recovery later. I think you have a good plan in place and I would set up a meeting with the pastor, like you suggested, and tell him that contact must end and either you are pulling your kids out or the OM leaves. One or the other.

Listen, you have this guy over a barrel and he knows it, 213. If he forces a family to leave because his janitor is screwing a parishioners wife, that would not look good! Other families would not be happy to hear this, would they? So, the pastor has a little predicament here, doesnt he?

You can also contact the OMW about any continued contact. I think you have a very good chance of killing this affair if you will just stick to it while you have them on the ropes. If you back off right now, though, it gives them a chance to get back up and regroup. So, don't back off until the affair is OVER, ok?

It matters little if she still intends to stay in contact with him if he refuses contact!

The problem is even though the school and the church are on the same property they are seperate from each other.
and we don't belong to the parish.
we are only parents of 2 kids that go to the school.

I will call the pastor see if he is willing to meet with all of us.
I will contact OMW tell her about MB.
maybe she will get some insight from here.