HI LA
My MIL got mad when I tried to tell her what’s going on she told me not to call her anymore, I know she is pushing towards a divorce, she told me “ why don’t you leave.
I’m thinking of sending her an e-mail apologizing for trying to get her involved.
She is a very good person but I think my WW had told her some lies.
I don’t want her to hate me.
I need your input even a rewrite is ok you always have ways with words
Thanks.



I’m sorry Grandma

I never intended to offend you I respect you and love you with all my heart.

I love my WW more then anything in the world; she is the best thing that ever happened to me.
All I’m trying to do is keep my family together. My family is all I ‘vet got.
I know she is your daughter and you love her, I love her to.
I never intended for you guys to take sides, all I wanted is convince my WW to get some counseling.

If I don’t try everything I can before call it quits I could never live with myself.
I don’t want to look back at this and say what if.

I didn’t know that you didn’t want to get involved I guess it’s the difference in cultures.

I respect your choice and I still love you I will not talk about the subject again.
And like I said a while back what ever happens between my wife and me you will
Still be my family.

Please don’t hate me.
I would like to apologies in person could you please give me this opportunity.

LOVE

Don’t send it. Your MIL is a good person as long as her DD is “happy”. She does not deserve an apology from you. In fact she should be apologizing to you for letting her feelings for her DD get in the way of her moral judgments.

On a practical level, this letter would only show that you are weak and would not advance your cause much. I personally think it is a waste of time.

Lastly, you only beg in extreme circumstances, and this is not one of them.

Oh, Joe...

Some of the hard pain comes from loving the family of WS and being rejected by them. I remember.

What would you write if you believed WW hadn't told them lies but the truth and they still advised her to divorce?

You are looking for leverage...and I understand wanting someone to stand up for you, believe as you do, and work for what you want when you want it...

And I found this Plan A a solo journey, except for MB.

You know how you feared your WW's anger from exposure? You fear Grandma's anger from exposure, also...

I do not apologize for telling truth. I was a "I'm sorry" person, at least four times a day...until I figured out I was saying sorry so much because it was what I wanted to hear the most.

Apologies and amends are important...not to be used lightly. You did nothing to offend...Grandma's anger is her own...respect that. What she feels and believes and thinks are hers...

You know this. You want someone to say they are sorry for your pain, your severe rejection, trauma and I think, maybe, to say, "Joe, you can be angry, fearful, frustrated." Well, Joe? You can. They are yours.

There's nothing embarrassing or wrong for wanting MIL & FIL to love and support you the way you want them to...what would be wrong is thinking you caused them anything. Their daughter did. You exposed her actions to them.

LA

THANKS guys.

One more advice

This weekend is going to be rough

She is giving me the silent treatment

She told me already that she feels better when I’m not around
She even treats the kids better when I’m not around.

Should I try to talk to her?

Take the kids somewhere? (She will be mad if I did that, but I do need to spend time with the kids)

Or just go out by myself spend some time with my friends?

Her choice to treat the children less than well when you're around is her CHOICE. You cannot make her.

You know that already...I'm just reminding.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do not choose your actions from her reactions...

Things you can do with the kids at home...play cards or a board game outside, bbq, play music and dance...I dunno. You know what your kids like. You know what you like. You can do it at home which has the invitation for her to join in...

Did you know the "silent treatment" is abusive?

You might want to stick with your O&H statements...include what you feel about MIL...simple statements. Stay present...notice how much you want to react to her instead of act...use today to be aware and contemplative about yourself.

You are in the hard area right now...not in contact and not in recovery...I remember that desolate tundra...and you will get across it. Stay centered and focused.

You can do this.

LA

Thanks.
and no I didn't know that the silent treatment is abusive.

I will keep trying
thank god for MB.

You aren't trying, Joe, you are doing. There is no try. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Read up on relationships, Joe...Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend; The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Evans; Healing the Shame that Binds Us by Bradshaw.

Seeing things new is part of healing...inside yourself.

You can do this...maybe a trip to the bookstore today, eh?

LA

21, the "silent treatment" is abusive and it's a manipulative tool wayward ones love to use. Don't fall for it. Go about your business of Plan A'ing yourself into the best man a woman could dream of, and the finest father your children could ever want. In the military, we call it "leading by example." Be what you know you should be, instead of reacting to what she wants you to think you are.

Stay strong, pardner.

I already read boundaries in marriage last weekend.

I’m dyslectic you know it’s hard for me to read but I think I’ve been cured
I read boundaries in marriage in 2 days.

Thanks LH that helps a lot.

I called WW to see if I needed to baby sit my son because I knew she had to take
My DD to a party, she said no he is invited to, I asked where is the party,
“ At the park, please don’t show up I don’t want to see you” she said.

I replied thank you for you’re honesty.

To tell you the truth it did hurt, not as much as it should though, I don’t know maybe I’m getting the hang of it.

I just received a call from OM’s friend it seems that my WW
Tried to contact OM it was intercepted by OMW

The good news is OM admitted to everything they are going to counseling, looks like he is committed to save his marriage.

My question is should I tell my silent wife what happened,
And that she should consider leaving OM alone so he can recover his marriage?
Or say nothing at all?

I'm still hanging in.

My perspective was to state what I knew...not ask.

"You chose to contact OM today."

It is not verifying or confirming...it is open and honest (O&H) statement.

I did not advise my WH on his choices...what he should do or not. I acknowledged his choices.

Part of my intent to stay in truth.

And you did well with your "I appreciate your honesty" earlier...it takes the bite of pain down a notch or two to mean it...know this isn't about you, even now...

God's with you every step, Joe...you are honoring him as you honor yourself and your marriage.

LA

Just tell her that OMW has notified you of recent contact and that the OM is committed to working on his marriage. Don't say anything more. No lectures, no recriminations. Don't make her defensive.

The OMW's friend is an angel! Tell the OMW that she did the exactly the right thing and that if yall continue to keep each other in the loop like this, you can probably kill the affair.

Ask the OMW to ask her H to send your wife a nc letter. Tell her that is what Dr Harley recommends.

Thanks guys

The friend made it sound like he would be the middleman; I gave him all my phone numbers.

I offered a package I printed from MB for OMW he said they are going to counseling

Now but he will relate the info. To OMW if she is interested.

I will keep you posted.

213601 - First things first..... (((((Joseph)))))


I have now read through your entire thread, and all your past threads.

I hear a common "thread" in them, but no direct statement from you, so I am going to ask you a direct question about it and not try to "guess."

Your children attend a private Christian school, the OM works there, the Pastor is "investigating," etc. etc. etc.

What I want to know, because it will have a direct bearing on any potential help, discussion, or advice I might be led to offer is this;

Are you and your wife, both or individually, "born again?"

Having been "beaten up" many times for "injecting religion" where it might not be wanted, I will say no more until you choose to answer, or choose not to answer, that question.

Until then, let me simply say that you have been getting some very good practical advice.

Let me also recommend that you get a good firm understanding of what Boundaries are and what Standards are. You seem to be confusing them right now, and that is understandable as you are reeling from the shock of nuclear betrayal.

One more thing, Joe

You ARE the "bad guy," didn't you know?

Just like rape victims are the "bad girl" because someone chose to inflict pain and anguish upon them without even asking their for their consent to be raped.

(((((Joseph)))))

Been there. Heard it all. Don't believe ONE word that proceeds out of the mouth of your "alien abductee" wife's mouth while the affair is going on and whenever she might be going through Withdrawal (yet to come, but it will happen).

Thanks for your honesty FH

No we are not born again,
I am catholic, both kids are baptized catholic
My wife believes in god and the bible she is Mormon but never practiced
So she goes with the flow.

Now OM and OMW are born again Christian and very religious, and very active.

Hope this info will help.

Feel free to advice any way you like I do believe in god and the scripture.
I pray every day for strength, but to be honest with you I’m losing my faith.

How are you doing today, Joe? Don't forget those statements for feelings and thoughts...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

As for losing your faith...I felt the same way...until I figured out I had made my DH my god, slowly but surely over the course of our marriage, my focus entirely on him...and his A actually broke me of that...giving me a wake up back to my faith...in God. And I realized, I had turned to my DH without consciously doing so, because I believed God was losing his faith in me.

Stuff to ponder...believe in yourself, thank God for the strength you already have and know you will have enough...be aware of your growth and all you're learning, right now...

You're not alone.

LA

Saturday evening
I relayed to her that OM friend called stating that OMW intercepted an n e-mail message
To OM the message was:“ I need to talk to you”.

I wasn’t planning on a talk or an argument.

But like lemonman said “I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability”.

She really blew up on me I never heard such hurtful words from her or anybody
Vented on me.

I stayed calm but I had to answer.

WW:
I can’t believe you did this you promised me you wouldn’t tell his wife
Me: my promise was conditional on you not sleeping with OM anymore
And you broke you’re promise.
WW:
I never promised that.
Me:
Yes you did but I’m not going to argue with you about this.
WW:
I hate you more than anybody in the world, and don’t want to see your
Ugly f**** face anymore and more of that kind of stuff.

I hope you’re happy you hurt his children’s, his wife is such a B****,
She made him tell his children’s and now they are hurting.

Me:
I acknowledge and respect your feelings, I’m sorry you feel this way, but I
Did not hurt his children’s it was his W’s choice to do what she did
And it’s the adultery that hurt his children’s
And I do not regret what I did; I know it was the right thing to do
And now they are going to counseling and they might save their marriage.One marriage saved out of 2 is still a blessing.

WW:
They have tried before and their marriage is gone, I know he told me
He is staying for the kids.

Me:
This is his choice.

WW:
Well I hope you’re happy now it’s over between us

Me:
You mean to tell me that it wasn’t before? you where willing to work on it?
Because If I recall I’ve been trying to get us into counseling way before OM
Was in the picture, you always refused.
This marriage is been over for a while now, I’m not trying to save it,
We did a lot of wrong things, what I’m trying to do is start fresh,
New understanding new beginning.

We learned a lot from this in the last few months, I have learned a lot,
We can take the knowledge from this split up and apply it on a new relationship,
Or we can apply it on this one and keep our family together.

Sometimes it doesn’t get better till it gets worse, it’s like a car that is making noise,
Some people don’t fix it until it breaks, and this is what happened to us,
It’s broken, we have the choice to fix it or throw it away.

No body said it would be easy, no body said it will be quick, all we need is commitment
I made that commitment; it’s up to you now.

WW:
(Covering her eyes so I don’t see her cry)
It will never be the same.

Me:
I promised myself that I wouldn’t preach, and look at me.
I’m going to go have a cup of coffee and grab something to eat,
Do you want a cup of tea or something?

WW:
NO.



Did I screw up?
I did brush her words of at the time, but later on they came back and god they hurt.
They hurt not because of the content; they hurt because of the intent to hurt.
It never stops.
I thought of telling her how hurtful some of her words are but I didn’t
Should I?