Re-expose...call OMW, school director...do it now and swiftly. Contact has consequences.

Joe...you talk too much to your WW.

Yep, I'm judging you. Now, in my marriage, I was like you...please do not think I'm attacking...I'm remembering.

Until I read "Facing Love Addiction," I had no idea that my H feared intimacy...felt engulfed, overwhelmed, SUFFOCATED from my love. What I would kill for--attention, conversation, awareness...which is what I was giving...they felt to my H like examination/judgment, lecturing and assessment...with an eye to his failure for everything...including his body language.

Now, was I doing this to him? Just my part. Was he feeling this way, absolutely. Did he feel this way all the time? No. Did it have to do with what I did or what he thought I was doing...well, the latter was true. His perception changed, back and forth, so there was no trail to follow for me to make him not feel engulfed, taken over...

I had to shut up, get inside myself, be present and listen, and lovingly detach. Why? Because I was addicted to a person!! He was my drug...my fear of abandonment was matched to his fear of intimacy...he felt engulfed and withdrew (preservation)...and I felt invisible unless seen...you couldn't get me overwhelmed or engulfed enough!

See about opposites attracting one another? Yeah...and you wanna know the flip side? Underneath my fear of abandonment is fear of intimacy...and underneath H's fear of intimacy? You got it--fear of abandonment.

So too much attention and he withdrew and I pursued. Not enough attention, I withdrew and he pursued...it is part of what is behind the 180 plan...and that's why I don't trust it without a commitment that your intent be one of self-care and pursuit, not withdrawal from your WW.

Would you consider no more Relationship (R) talks for one solid week? None. Not even O&H statements of your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...unless you can contain them to one sentence or less...and no more than one sentence for every one hour. Period.

Each time you want to speak as you did in your post, I want you to stop and find out WHY you want to say something to WW...find your true desire and intent...really know it well...and we get to know them well when we don't allow ourselves to act on the urge, rather examine the urge instead.

Acknowledge that she doesn't believe she's married. Period. As you did. Without what you know...which is not what you BELIEVE...it is what you KNOW..."I know we're married." Now, don't go there. Really listen and repeat...that's all you're gonna do for one week.

Stay quiet...be vocal and rambunctious with the kids...bask in all the attention they give...eat it up...find out how attention, consideration, appreciation, admiration, AGREEMENT makes you feel...and then give it to yourself instead of speaking.

Silent runnings...listen for these words in your thoughts "what if" or "if only" or "if only you would" When you hear them, say, "No." And think of something else. The present. What you can sense with your five senses...

If you want to try this for the experience, and if you give yourself permission to say anything you've already said, I want you to go outside to a notebook you put under a rock and make a mark for One...a hash mark...and then put the notebook away and re-enter the house...and each and every time you do this...make the trek and do the record...then you'll know how often you give yourself permission to betray what you want most...

LA

P.S. Your climbing out of the well metaphor was FABULOUS.

And here is where you were abusive:

"and no matter what happens between us no body will ever love you as much I do, and no body will ever take care of you like I do."

You cannot define people or their lives...this is a threat...manipulation...not truth. You love her. Period.

What if, Joe...she doesn't want to be loved this much (you do, I did); and what if being taken care of is what she most resents, what enabled her to have an affair was resenting you, because she feels like a child, instead of your partner? You love your WW. Says nothing about anyone else because that would be disrespectful and untrue. You love your wife. You want to save your marriage. Your love is real and true. No fantasy. To stay real, don't lie.

Thank you LA.

Your words are not judging they are the truth, truth is not judging, sometimes
I think I’m saying the right things but I guess I’m not.
I’m reading Facing love addiction it’s still in print it’s actually been revised,

It’s strange but it’s about us the only problem is she was the love addict, and I was the
Avoidant, now we traded places, but only in our R, she is still a love addict towards OM.

I guess what pushed her away from me was distancing myself, and now she withdrew,
And I’m pursuing, it even said that in the book, you could switch places sometimes.

It’s weird because a while back before OM was in the picture, I told her that we
Switched places, she never answered. But I knew it now this book is clarifying things
Thanks for the tip I owe you one.

Now the school about possible contact contacted me, and they are following up on it.
They said the pastor is out of town for a week but he will be back soon.

I agree a 100% with me talking too much.

I keep reminding myself listen and repeat, but if I don’t start the conversation she will stay silent.
And you
I was thinking this morning about a 180 and how to do it without disconnecting from my WW.

Because if I lose my love for her I don’t know what would happen, because my love
Is keeping me from seeing all these awful things she is doing to me, without the love I have for her, nothing will keep motivating me to recover, I really don’t trust her now,
She is being very secretive, and quiet.


I don’t even have a clue how to do a 180.
And can I still talk to her about logistical stuff?
Can I still ask her if she needs more money without sounding rude or unkind?
Can I still ask her if she wants to go out for dinner?

I’m glad you liked my metaphor LA sometimes I come up with weird stuff don’t I?

i will try to update later.

"I think I’m saying the right things but I guess I’m not."

This is how you know your intent...your intent is to be honest...your intent is pure. Would you consider that why you feel like you're saying the right things? You are doing the honest thing...you share yourself. I'm showing you where you go astray, with good intentions.

In the book, we can be both Avoidance Addicts and Love Addicts...depends on our FOO triggers (Family of Origin)...and circumstance. She is not a love addict of OM...she finds relief in fantasy...as in my case, I made my H my relief even as I made him up in my mind...my real love came from years of experience; my mind remained in fantasy until the last two, when I realized my addiction and accepted my real H...and knew I chose to love him...and I was free.

Yes, this is the dance we spoke of...switching places, back and forth...why do you think we grow up believing we cause, control and cure others? Because when we withdraw, someone else pursues and vice versa! Illusion, isn't it? Still choice...choice to react instead of consciously act, with awareness.

Thank God (literally) he made it so only one can change that dance...and amazingly, when you stand still.

Thank you for your post because that is what I'm asking you to do...to stand still...not pursue or withdraw...staying present...

I retract the 180 for now. Stay still. Present. Open to hear, not to share. Learn to listen to her silence and catch your DJ's in your mind about the silence.

Staying silent to hear your own thoughts more, your own urges...are you like me? Do you love the power of words? Are they magical to you, as they were to me? I believed if I could say the magic words, life changed...because it did, as a child. I could delight with words, later with stories, with poetry and cards...like I caused joy, controlled happiness and cured sadness.

I didn't.

That's why they say people find you funny...their sense of humor...not our jokes. And we find ourselves funny. We didn't know, that was enough, did we? See how we ripple around the world? By being, not by doing.

"Because if I lose my love for her I don’t know what would happen, because my love
Is keeping me from seeing all these awful things she is doing to me, without the love I have for her, nothing will keep motivating me to recover, I really don’t trust her now,"

Would you consider trusting yourself more? I know it took time for me to prove to myself my own changes...to learn to trust myself...to break that earning love belief and replace it fully with my choice to love...

If love isn't earned, then it isn't destroyed by actions. You see her terrible choices...you see her destruction isn't only outward...you feel it and so does she...as do your children and so many others...nothing is keeping you from seeing this...and if you'll consider the possibility that humans do damage and are loved, anyway, then you'll better choose, when the time comes.

You choose to love, Joe. You won't lose it. There may come a time when you choose not to...and you will know that as your choice. Valid. Until then, trust yourself more...your choice is your power and you can rely on that.

Love is separate from trust when you make it a choice. Trust is part of love, not its entirety. Acceptance, appreciation, honesty, patience, admiration...a long, long list are parts of loving and feeling loved. Think on this and why it is okay to choose to love when you do not trust. And it is okay not to trust.

The same way it is okay to not believe when someone lies, and decide to believe when they no longer lie...your choice.

"She is being very secretive, and quiet." How about...she isn't sharing herself. No DJ there.

"I’m afraid if I do a 180 and stop talking to her she would shut down and drift further away." Let's talk more of what you believe 180 is and what I believe it is...

"I don’t even have a clue how to do a 180.
And can I still talk to her about logistical stuff?
Can I still ask her if she needs more money without sounding rude or unkind?
Can I still ask her if she wants to go out for dinner?"

Great questions...would you be willing to address this in a day or so? I'd like your thoughts on what I wrote first.

"I’m glad you liked my metaphor LA sometimes I come up with weird stuff don’t I?" Weird is a judgment...I LOVED your metaphor and plan on stealing it whenever possible. Not weird...wonderful. To me.

LA

Thank you LA my WW somehow found my post she got upset.

I will update later.

No rush...listen and repeat...Hear why she's upset...not that you're doing it, 'k?

LA

Good morning LA.

It’s hard to stay still, it’s hard to stay present when you feel that your future is slipping away, it’s like asking me to count my blessings or be present while falling from a 100 stories building and getting half way through, saying to myself so far so good,
I mean I know what’s going to happen, I am definitely going to hit the ground because I’m looking down and there is no soft spot to land on, either I’m going so hit the pavement, or I’m going to learn how to fly in the next few seconds.
What I’m trying to say is sometimes the future is predictable.

Now about my wife finding the post was it pure luck or was it gods will I don’t know.
Like I said before I feel guilty when I keep secrets from her, so she knew I was
Posting and getting feedback from MB.
But I underestimated her intelligence.
You know the screen name is a number that only means something to me, and my name is not Joe, Joe is my best friend that I didn’t see for about 13 years he lives back home.
(Strange I got the first email from him last week I still didn’t answer back).

But since every other detail of my story is true an accurate she started reading and
She knew it was me.

She wasn’t upset about me posting, she was upset because she wanted me to believe
Her that she did not talk to OM on Monday and it was very important to her for me
To believe her. I asked her why do you care, yesterday you didn’t believe that you where
My wife, you didn’t believe in marriage, and I heard you telling me that you didn’t care
What I thing about you.

She said I guess I do care what you think about me, I told you I decided to stay together
Just for the sake of the kids.

I told her that it doesn’t matter if she did contact him yesterday or not it doesn’t matter if I believed her or not, what matters is my boundaries are NC from now on, but her actions
Is her choice, I told her that he is under a microscope
And any contact will jeopardize his life.

Then I mentioned the book I’m reading about love addiction, and affairs are addictive
She replied that he might not be addicted.

I told her that I had mentioned that to him during our meeting
He made it sound like he was trapped into it. Which he made his choice to be trapped?
But after that it will become an addiction.

I then said that we have hope we can work on our marriage after NC is been established
But we cannot do it on our own we are going to need help.

And we left it at that.

Now my heart tells me to believe her, my brain tells me not to.
I have a bad feeling about this, but I’m going to brace for the worst and hope
For the best.

(I did not hold back even though I know she might read this, I’m only telling the truth.)

Now back to your post LA.

I love it. I understand that we are both in this addictive turmoil the dance like you call it
I will try to stay silent or only state my own thoughts.

Quote:
“Are you like me? Do you love the power of words? Are they magical to you, as they were to me? I believed if I could say the magic words, life changed...because it did, as a child. I could delight with words, later with stories, with poetry and cards...like I caused joy, controlled happiness and cured sadness.

I didn't.”

Strange you asked that growing up I hated righting I hated words, poems meant nothing to me, I was more of a science guy, if doesn’t make sense if I can’t touch it or prove it it’s not worth my effort.

I found the urge to right later in life it was only when I had a heart crisis

This is the 2n’d time I right my feelings down, the first time was about
18 years ago I became friends with a volunteer ad the Red Cross and we hited of
I didn’t have anybody in my life back then, and I had no idea she was in a relationship with somebody for over 8 years and they where planning on getting married, but at the time we went out they where having problems, I found out
The hard way about a month into our R, it was never physical but we went out
Every night just talked had fun; I remember the fog I was in.
This was devastating to me, we stayed in contact, and it took me 6 months to get
Over her, and I did they got married I was at the wedding, we stayed friends
I was completely over her. I just had to except that she was never mine to begin with.
I wrote my feelings down it was a letter addressed to an anonymous person.
It was in French. I think I still have this letter.

I know I had it because my wife found the English translation version and she asked me how come I don’t right love letters for her. This was a while back.

Well now I am been righting for more then a year now, I wrote poems letters feelings, good and bad stuff I gave her some of it, but kept the rest.

Wow I wondered of big time here it felt good going back to these days though!!!! Sorry.

So my answer is yes I am like you I love the power of words they are magical, I do think that words can change life, I always made cards for her on different occasions,
Some made her cry, some made her laugh. I don’t think they changed her life though.

Quote:
“She is not a love addict of OM...she finds relief in fantasy”
I’m trying hard to believe that.

Quote:
“Would you consider trusting yourself more? I know it took time for me to prove to myself my own changes...to learn to trust myself...to break that earning love belief and replace it fully with my choice to love...”

Yes I do trust myself, at least for now, I know how deep my love for her is, and you are right about me seeing everything she is doing.

Quote:

“Love is separate from trust when you make it a choice. Trust is part of love, not its entirety. Acceptance, appreciation, honesty, patience, admiration...a long, long list are parts of loving and feeling loved. Think on this and why it is okay to choose to love when you do not trust. And it is okay not to trust.

The same way it is okay to not believe when someone lies, and decide to believe when they no longer lie...your choice.”

You nailed it here you this is the answer I’ve been looking for, I do love her
But I don’t trust her at this moment.

Actually I trust her with other things but not with OM, sometimes I don’t want to ask her so she doesn’t have to lie. This is a DJ isn’t it?
At least I’m finding my own dj’s now isn’t that cool.

Wow this is my longest post ever. I don’t know if you can follow my chain of thoughts.

Sorry.

((((LA))))

Good morning, Joe...

I know I am encouraging you to do what is contrary to everything in you...previously. You have new stuff...

"What I’m trying to say is sometimes the future is predictable."

It is the very thing which holds your fear that also contains your salvation...it IS unpredictable...if you choose to look down, see clouds...and yes, you might fly, instead...unpredictable. Present is all we have...truly. Within our human design.

Pick your most uplifting image and hold that...could be you're falling all those stories and you stop and begin to walk up the side of the building...empower yourself. Pick your images...they are yours. They can be anything at all.

When your WW asked you to believe her, you can honestly answer, "I am afraid to believe you." See how your truth isn't about her making you believe her or not? The core reality remains...what you feel...and yes, you can choose not to believe her for now...and be open to that changing as what you see becomes regular...

She slipped, didn't she? Like my WH, she is holding the line in her belief she is only there for the children. Do not believe this, either...your choice. Know why? Because it represents safety and separateness to WS's...and she slipped when she said she cared what you thought of her...

She cares what people think of her. That's what you know. No more or less. She wants to be believed.

Good to know.

Her reading here lifts my heart...something my DH has not done...though he comes to sit with me while I write, more and more...interested...afraid to post for his own reasons...his own self-doubt. We are brave souls, 213, because we had those same doubts and fears...and we face them, don't we, in each post?

Time and no contact...no LBs...loving anyway...you can do this...no free fall...more of a plod some days and flight on others...

Thank you for your story of words...of how you opened...what you learn...all of it...these are the O&H statements you're practicing here, for you and your marriage. That's what I believe.

Not asking is not asking...define your intent...if it is pure, no DJ...if it is fearful, most likely, DJ...assumptios or mindreading...we aren't given that power (and I believe, for great reason)...

If you feel the urge to speak to her from her...not disclosing to her BUT here...please fend off that choice...because direct is how you connect.

Gosh, I'm trendy.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now, write Joe back...he reached out...reach back.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LA

thank you LA I will right joe back now.

i will keep updating as things progress.

Hi again.

I e-mailed Joe he replied it was good to hear from him after all these years,
His wife is a very good friend of mine too, I asked him for phone numbers,
And stuff.
he wrote in french my french is so rusty even though I understand it it's hard for me to write in now.

I forgot one more detail my wife asked me yesterday to keep posting on MB
Since it makes me feel better, and that she wouldn’t read the posts anymore,
I told her I don’t know if I would or not but she is more then welcome to read
All my posts they are my truth and I put my heart in them, and actually I would like her
To read them.

I don’t know if she will or not. But I hope she does.

Your last post didn't answer my question...oh, wait, Alex Trebeck...I didn't phrase it as one...

"If you feel the urge to speak to her from her...not disclosing to her BUT here...please fend off that choice...because direct is how you connect."

Do you want her to read here to know you better? Would this mean your drive-by O&H statements are repeats or updates?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is from my experience...of wanting my WH to read here, or my emails...read anything...because I would write what I wouldn't say. Guess what? I had to learn to say it...

Irony? Now he likes to read what I write.

ROFL.

See why I say stay present? I couldn't have predicted this present...it's wonderfully surprising...living without the DJ's is pure freedom.

I digress.

Self-focus, 213...dang, I called you Joe in my last post at the beginning, full well knowing you weren't Joe...now I'm back to numbers.

::::

Heehee. You're the Los Angeles area code...did you know that?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

HI LA.
If you feel the urge to speak to her from her...not disclosing to her BUT here...please fend off that choice...because direct is how you connect."

I hear you LA and I agree with you, but I don’t mind her readings my posts. they are
Out of my heart, no lies no pretending, just my feelings and thoughts.

And you can call me Tony this is my real name.

Now that wife found this forum I don’t have to hide anymore,
And you know what, I feel better now that she knows, because like I told you before
I don’t like to keep secrets from her, even though she knew I was posting on MB, I never thought she will actually try to read or even could find my posts.

I don’t know what she read but she is acting way different since, in a good way.

I guess don’t even ask, stay present and today this second I feel good, I should take
This as a blessing.

Tony.

My brain just looped...

I called you Joe...my H's first name...

We call him Tony.

ROFLMAO!!! Whoa. This might sound like Phoebe from the tv show "Friends," but have you ever felt your brain somersault? Wow. It's kinda fun.

LOL!

Good to know this isn't about writing down and not stating to...yes, radical honesty says be who you really are, here and there...and you know that. That was me, living from my past...not you.

I caught you in a should...

LOL

I'm glad she found your posts and this forum...

She's welcome here...there are many of us, dorry, MrsWondering...who have been in her shoes...

Have you asked about doing communication exercises yet?

LA

This is strange the name, I mean now let me get this straight your H’s name is Joe and you call him Tony?
Wow this is weird.

What are communication exercises?

First name was his father's...middle name is shortened...to distinguish who his mother was calling for dinner...

Did you get the brain loop?

LOL

Awww...communication exercises. There are a few out there, in different books..."Fighting For Your Marriage" by Howard Markman, Susan Bloomberg and Scott Stanley has one...where you sit down for chat...and each of you has three cards; one marked with a plus sign, one with a zero and one with a negative sign.

Did you see Lord of the Flies? Where the speaker has the conch? You pick a small object...I forget, but they suggest a few ones, very cool...I think one was a magnet that could be on your refridgerator...anyway, it is the speaker object.

First, one of you takes the speaker object (man, that does sound much more sterile than conch, doesn't it?)...and you speak...when you are finished, you hand the speaker object to your the other person. If you have a question on what the other person is saying, you ask their intent for a certain sentence...and they hold up one of the cards...whether what they are saying has a postiive intent, a neutral one or a negative one.

No arguing...only clarifying. Surprising. Interesting. Tones the listener skills and shows us our own filters...how we hear things, take things...

The one my DH and me have done for over a year is where twice a week, we sit down and one of us speaks for 20 minutes straight...and the listener cannot speak...only listen. At the end of the time, the listener summarizes what the speaker said for five minutes...and in the last five minutes of the half-hour, the speaker confirms or clarifies the listener's summary.

Then neither of you can talk about whatever it was spoken for 24 hours.

I loved that part. And hated it.

LOL

If you want to address something, after 24 hours, you can ask. Then you repeat the exercise no sooner than 24 hours after that, and no less than 72 hours. We worked it out for Sundays and Thursdays...and keeping with it made all the difference, I believe.

I was surprised how it stilled the noise in my head, listening to remember and repeat for 20 minutes...same for my DH...it is like the hopper on your head by default...remembering words and what you're hearing for that long aces out a lot of reactions...because you'll miss stuff.

Felt like taking achievement tests in schools, honest.

Safe communication...obiding by the rules...showing respect for them...translated to each other.

There are others...but I'm blank, from remembering...you know why I really emphasize knowing first what yours is yours and hers is hers? Because to do these exercises and not react, respond, break the rules--and not stuff or dwell...I really needed to see that his thoughts, feelings and beliefs were truly his...

LA

20 min talk what do you talk about?

well now i have more then enough to talk about because
we havn't been talking for a long time but after
the dust settels, and after we talk everything down.
what else to talk about for that long?
maybe it's me.

Talking for 20 minutes...you share your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...

Comes out what you've been thinking about, something you saw, realized, noted...what you enjoyed that day or week; what you feel right then...about work, family, the house, your life...lots of stuff...

Like opening your mind and letting them fall out of your mouth...you about you...no judgments, just information...shared.

Oh, and you listen to your own self, without judgment, because after the summary, you have to add what points where missed...heehee...or not, if they weren't...you'll find it difficult to remember those 20 minutes when you hear them summarized.

The no judgment part? Really difficult...gets easier and easier...

I think it isn't you...it's human.

Sitting quietly during the pauses helps to build trust...you can't prompt, so you wait...or are waited on...opening your mind is far more difficult...no preaching, teaching...have to say what you want, need, desire, yearn for...what you spend time thinking about...and your mind goes blank...very present during those minutes...gets better the more often you do it.

Harder to listen, IMO...raises our focus and attention...

Well worth the effort, I promise.

LA

Thanks LA.

I get it now. I don’t know if she is willing to talk or communicate anything at this time
She is still in the fog, I don’t know about the NC yet.
No more calls from school though.

I know they make it hard for them to communicate, but hard is not impossible,
If they want to contact they will, now they will get caught.
And the consequences will be bad.

It’s their choice; all I can do is ask for NC from her, which I already did,
And I told her that I cannot make her do anything this will be her choice.


Tony

Agreeing to do communication exercises isn't necessarily being intimate...it is practicing...could be recalling childhood memories...favorite things...disliked things...a getting to know each other again place...

Safety demonstrated.

However, if she doesn't...withdrawal sucks...especially when it starts over and over again (I know...I remember)...staying the course, sometimes, takes two hands and a good wind...

Keep reading and knowing...how did you feel reading Facing Love Addition? What were your emotions?

LA

I’m still reading it confusing stuff, seems like they are talking about us,
The few argument we had during our marriage; when things don’t seem to
Go her way she leaves the room.
I learned not to argue with her, I wish I had that book then,
But you know how it goes if it isn’t broken don’t fix it.

I might need to read this book more then once, but really good stuff.

It looks,like I said earlier she was/is the love addict and I was/am the love avoidant

When she withdrew I am pursuing now.

So does that make us switch roles?
Am I the love addict now?
Is she the love avoidant, towards me only?

I found out that I started getting more in touch with my emotions after the kids
Blessed our life…
Nothing moved me before. Maybe because all the horrors I’ve seen in my lifetime, I don’t know.

But I got my emotions back now. Thanks god for that.
sometimes i wonder are emotions a blessing or a curse.

It breaks my heart to see her cry, she is down and very calm now,
She told me yesterday that she has very little friends at school, and she feels
Uncomfortable around the people their, and the teacher she consider a good friend
Was supposed to meet her at school yesterday and she didn’t, what a good friend.

Latter after the kids went to bed I sat next to her and told her that I will always be her
Friend no matter what, and if she needed to vent anything I will listen with my mouth shut.
She said ok I kissed her hand and wished her a good night.

I’m trying to find the silver lining in all of this, like I always like to do.
I’m trying to count my blessings by looking at other people’s agony
I read about the man that his wife left him and left the kids to live
With OM, I read about the man that his wife kicked him out the house
And even invited the OM to their sons birthday.
I read about the man that his WW took the kids away to live with OM.

And I think to myself, I’m still in shallower waters, my wife is still home
She is taking a good care of our kids; she even talks to me now.

I want to thank my wife for this humbling experience, I want to thank her
For what she did.
Because after the A, and the last few month, I read more books then I did
In my whole life.
I know more about myself then I ever did before, I know more about my wife then I ever did before, I know more about raising and communicating with my kids more then ever before.
I know that I love my wife more then ever before, I know that I like loving my wife
Even though she is not lovable at this time.

I am a changed man and I like who I am.
I like being calm when the storm is raging around me, I like being loving when
Love is been betrayed.
I’m standing up strong and wiling to stay the course, because my wife is worth my effort
To get her back to port.

When I was in college and later on in life I had this poem by Rudyard Kipling framed on top of my desk I used to read it when things got tough I just thought about it was entitled IF. I’m going to frame it again and read it more often.
I think this is what everybody is doing here, it does apply.
And here it goes. It might help somebody else over here.


[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!


--Rudyard Kipling