I'm sorry for your hurt, Mortarman. I am in tears too.

God Bless and keep you.
Jo

1 Samuel 17:45-47

[color:"#444444"]45[/color] David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. [color:"#444444"]46[/color]This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel.[color:"#444444"]47[/color]All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands."

Best of luck MM,

God Bless,

JL

MM,

God Bless you mate. I'm praying for you buddy. "Though the enemey come in like a flood, the Lord will raise up a standard against it"

Ex 23:22 If you listen carefully to what he says and do all that I say, I will be an enemy to your enemies and will oppose those who oppose you.

DT 33:27 The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms.
He will drive out your enemy before you,
saying, `Destroy him!'

MIL,

I am somewhat speechless at what happened the other day…but hardly surprised. From day one in our marriage, you have inserted yourself into Mrs. Mortarman's life. She and I could have worked out the moving stuff on our own. But again, you had to stick your nose into business that isn’t your business.

Those three kids have two parents. We make the decisions about them. No one else does.

In the beginning of our marriage, you railed on and on about losing your “babies.” Well, first off, Mrs. Mortarman was 22 years old…hardly a baby. So, to be upset with me for marrying your ADULT daughter and moving to Virginia is a tad on the side of having a unhealthy attachment to her.

And oldest son? Well, he was never your baby. He was Mrs. Mortarman's baby…and then our baby. You are his grandmother. I never understood why you didn’t get that.

Almost everyone of our arguments (there weren’t many) early on in our marriage concerned you. Mrs. Mortarman would come in and say that “maybe my Mom is right. Why did I move here…” blah, blah, blah. Instead of trying to encourage and support this family, you undermined it.

And then I went to Bosnia. And your daughter began her copying of you, by getting into adultery with the bar bouncer. And what did you do? You enabled it by accepting the kids and saying nothing about how wrong she was. If I had done this same thing when my dad was alive, he would have kicked my [censored]! Shoot, if he was still alive, the Troll wouldn’t have been around too long because my Dad would have kicked Mrs. Mortarman's a$$ and made sure that the Troll got away from my family.

You see, enabling aint love! Remaining silent when you should have said something aint love! Getting into our business when you should have remained silent aint love!

No, your actions show something more akin to selfishness…which is exactly what your daughter has taken up the last 4 years. And you not only condone it…you reward it! You believe she was “due” something. You believe that her adultery was really nothing. You helped cause your daughter’s failures.

Right from the start. The abortion at 16. The running around in Juarez all hours of the night when she was 16 and 17. One destructive action after another and you did what? Nothing. You let her do it!

She needed a mom that would stand up for what was right, even when Mrs. Mortarman tried to do the things you did wrong. She needed a mom that supported her in her marriage, her move to Virginia, her having her children, etc. she needed a Mom to tell her when she was screwing up and to help guide her back to where she should be in her family, in her marriage and with her kids.

You did none of this! You did next to nothing, enabling and minimizing her actions.

And then, all the while, playing up mine. Somehow I am the evil guy and your daughter is sinless. Even after constant lies from her. Even after her pushing you away. Even after my continued trying to get her to do the right thing and work on the marriage…somehow, I am the bad guy.

I am the bad guy for taking away oldest son from you, in your eyes. But he never was yours…and you should be happy that he has such a great Dad that has molded him into such a great young man.

I am the bad guy in your eyes for taking away your adult daughter. I am still perplexed by this one. I understand she was your youngest, and all of the emotions that go with that. I will probably have similar feelings when my three leave. But I also want the best for them and don’t want to undermine their decisions. Why didn’t you want the best for Mrs. Mortarman, and why didn’t you support her in her marriage?

I am the bad guy in your eyes because the judge gave me primary physical custody a year ago. But wasn’t it your daughter who had left them three times in order to commit illegal and immoral acts with the Troll? You act like I was the one that cheated on her. Or how about the fact that she has spent precious little time with them over the last 4 years…nothing even close to what she spent with them the first nine years. How is that my fault? Because she has to work? Puullleease! She has other options with me…she has just chosen not to pursue them because that would mean she would have to actually start being a wife again. Which she hasn’t done in over 4 years.

Why was it so bad to love your daughter, to want to marry her, to want to raise children with her? Why did that make me the bad guy? Why could you never accept me?

I have made mistakes. Everyone does. I am sorry for my mistakes, and have made efforts to correct them over our marriage. I am a better man and a better husband because of the things I have learned.

Of course, you will soon deal with a “man” that had no problem with helping turn your daughter into who she is today. And make no mistake…he will hurt her in the end. And you will be wishing for the days of Mortarman, instead of this loser.

You want to go on and on like Mrs. Mortarman with the “complaint du jour” that she issues. She complains about something, says it is the reason she cant work on the marriage…and you parrot it. The latest is that I dont support the family financially. While that isn’t true (and will come out in court), I will ask you…what happened in 2005? I gave her enough money every month to take care of over 75% of the household bills. So, why didn’t she work on the marriage then?

I was always prepared to assume 100% of the financial burden if need be. I did so for 8 years for my wife. She always had nice stuff, she had her gym, the lights were on and the kids fed. I did this for 8 years…and I would do it again. But only for my WIFE.

I asked her over and over the past year to step up, go to counseling, help me come up with a plan for us in our relationship and in our finances. And you know what happened? Nothing. And now here we are.

In January I was forced to make some decisions about our finances, since she wouldn’t sit down with me, that had to be taken care of. This all could have been different, if she had just stepped up to the plate.

But you believe I have given her nothing…that the current financial situation is the reason this is ending. And you absolve your daughter of any responsibility.

And I can see how the future will go. You two will undermine the boys’ baseball commitments, if you can. I already see that at the end of this month with youngest son's District all-star team. Since he might not be at Districts, he will probably have to be dropped from the team this week. The best player on the team. Think youngest son wants to miss this? Think he doesn’t know that john-Austin got his chance to play at that level, but now Mom and Nana are putting things in the way that keep him from getting his chance?

Sure, I know about the event and how important family reunions are! But in this case…what is the point of doing this when he will always look back and be unhappy because he missed his chance to do what he has worked so hard to do?

And MIL? This is just one example of what I know will be Mrs. Mortarman's (and yours) position with regards to the kids. Mrs. Mortarman already told me youngest son and oldest son may miss baseball events during her “time.” How selfish and unfair!

But, not surprising. What was surprising to many that have known and loved both boys over the last few years (during this mess) is that Mrs. Mortarman showed up to one or two games. I know she doesn’t like baseball…but, those are her sons for God’s sake. And baseball is important to them!

Same goes for my girl. DD needs her mother’s involvement at this stage in her life. But her mother has been pursuing a career and the Troll for most of the last 4 years. I am not the swim expert…Mrs. Mortarman is! I will and have supported DD in her swimming. I have been there when there weren’t baseball events and such.

And the excuse that Mrs. Mortarman has to work is worn out. Just as you two saying that you have been helping to pay the bills these last few months and she has been working extra hours. All crap!! You know why? Because she was offered a different life and refused to take it. This is all about “winning” for her, about her pride…about hurting Mortarman.

And on that point…

She told me recently that she has been all about hurting me. Why? What did I do to deserve being hurt on purpose? Sure, I may have done some things in the past out of ignorance. And maybe not met all of her emotional needs at the time. But that means I deserve to be hurt? To be treated this way? That means our kids have to suffer thru the consequences of her actions?

Why? Shoot, I have a better case for hurting her…and I have NOT tried to do so. Oh, you might say by me getting custody that I was trying to hurt her. But I proved that wasn’t the case because I have let her come back three times now. I wasn’t trying to hurt her…I was trying to protect those kids and her family for when she finally came out of this mess she has gotten herself in.

I have forgiven her. But everyday, she gives me something new to have to forgive. Another new contact with the Troll. Another day where she doesn’t do any of the things expected out of a wife and best friend. Another day where she continues to do so much less as a mother than she did before and that our kids deserve!

I wrote this because, yes…I am angry. I cannot believe that you have raised and continue to foster these attributes in your daughter. While we are all not perfect, I do know that your continued support of her behavior is about only one thing…you.

You would love for her to divorce. You would love for her to get custody and go to work everyday, leaving you to sit at home and have your “babies” with you. And I can think of nothing worse for the kids. Not that being with you is necessarily bad. I am saying that being without their parents is bad!

They need their father. They need their mother. Everyday! Together and modeling what a loving marriage is all about. They NEED this! This is why I let Mrs. Mortarman come back. Because I wanted them to have this. Mrs. Mortarman used to want that too. I found the last few days several letters from Mrs. Mortarman from the few years right before she changed in 2001. She went on and on how perfect I was for her, how we had a great marriage (even with the problems) and a great future. And then almost two years later, she throws all of that away. And now? She cant remember anything good about our marriage. She cant remember what she used to know about us. She has revised history. But I remember and I miss that Mrs. Mortarman! So do our kids.

Anyway, you can count on no more letters from me. Soon, you will be nothing but my kids’ grandmother. And one of the people who are culpable in the destruction of our marriage…and really, the destruction of Mrs. Mortarman.

One day, you may see this. I know our kids see it all. They aren’t stupid. They know the score here. And they know their old man gave everything to try to save their family and save their mother. They know I have been there for them thru all of this…everyday! The one person on this planet they have been able to count on no matter what.

I am sad that you will probably never see the truth of all of this. I am sad that Mrs. Mortarman will probably follow in your path. I am sad that our kids will watch her enter into a relationship with an obvious loser and immoral man…and wonder why.

I will be okay. The Lord has and will look out for me and will bring a God-fearing woman alongside me to help me raise these kids and to support each other the rest of our lives. I thought Mrs. Mortarman was that woman. And she was, as was evidenced in just a small way in those letters. But somewhere along the line, while I was away at war…she got lost. And I cannot find her.

I will pray for Mrs. Mortarman…and for you. And hope that one day, you both will seek Him and what He wants for your life.

I wish things had been different between us MIL. I never lied to you and always tried to bridge the gap. But you would never accept me…even though I was trying to accept you.

Mortarman

Anyway, you can count on no more letters from me. Soon, you will be nothing but my kids’ grandmother. And one of the people who are culpable in the destruction of our marriage…and really, the destruction of Mrs. Mortarman.

"I have learned nothing in 20 years that would suggest that evil people can be rapidly influenced by any means other than raw power. They do not respond, at least in the short run, to either gentle kindness or any form of spiritual persuasion with which I am familiar."

Peck goes on to say:

"It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people, rather it is the subtlety and persistence and consistency of their sins. This is because the central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it."

Oh yeah...I have a question. Any advice on my wedding ring? I have worn it for 13 years.

After I see what she has done this time, I want it off. But, I also have this feeling that as long as I am still married, then the ring belongs on.

Thoughts?

Hi FH .... are we OK?