NSYN,

I did, but I haven't brought up the date to her since the day after D-day when it probably didn't sink in. I've since left it vague with everyone I've talked to and called it "a matter of days" or "early to mid-July" since it really isn't a real guaranteed timeline. The Air Force is not really running a tight schedule here in Iraq. The kicker on this whole thing is that I had planned on suprising her in CO by flying her out to visit my family and then just showing up... that is before D-Day happened. If she only knew what a hopelessly pathetic romantic I was. Well she's finding out now...

I have no doubt that I will still be fighting this when I get home. I'm not going to have her pick me up at the airport, because I want some time to snoop around a bit before announcing my presence. I'm gonna have to be creative about my phone calls and e-mails during that time because I don't want to telegraph my presence. Plan on blaming it on some maintenance problems with A/C...

I called and exposed to a church friend on his father's day morning... What a pal I am, huh? It was good to get it off my chest to someone outside the relationship conflict. Freed me up to focus on staying positive when I talk to her. She'll be pissed I'm sure but I think she'll see it for what it is (or continue in the fog). Also telegraphed it to my brother and father without using the A word... again, what a guy on father's day! My dad was very upset and he was nearly in tears about it when I got off the phone. It is so unfair in everyone's mind, which is good to know. Especially after I told him we'd been attacked the other day by dud munitions that lawn-darted in our work areas... I think that may be sufficient pressure to put on her for now. I'm still holding OM's business partner, and WW's business partners, bride's maid, and neighbors in reserve for when the current strategy isn't working or when it suits me to get NC out of OM.

Sent flowers to sick wife, e-mailed a couple's devotional to her, bought her and I matching marriage enrichment books for later delivery, found a marriage seminar in CA that could be tacked onto or into the "spontaneous" LV, NV trip during leave, going back to the room to work on recording DVD bedtime stories for DD, changed all the online banking passwords, and I am not calling her today until after the dust settles and everything else has happened. Feeling grateful God has given me peace and that I found Plan A - the strategic war plan for saving my marriage.

1 Corinthians 13:8 - Love never fails.

sbmmal

I'll be praying for your marriage AND your troops.

Since she is a marriage and family therapist, I suggest you tell her about this site. You are not home, and maybe she would get some good ideas.

I am glad to know about your composure, at this point, you are far off better than me when I was in same stage you are in now. Find time to read God's word especially on peace and love. You need God's presence every hour (me, I found refuge in the song, "I Need Thee Every Hour"). I know you will win the war, keep on fighting for your marriage. Your on the right track. Keep on reading, ask anything if you are unsure of what would be the right actions to implement. Feel free to ask advice, we are here to help.

SB, I don't know if exposing to military authorities because the OM's business sells to on-base activities will be effective. I suspect it's too tenuous a connection to make any difference to the local commanders.

Your list did not include your pastor or priest back home. Don't just expose to church members; let the church leadership get involved too. You might also add your in-laws to the list. It's a crapshoot getting much support from in-laws. Sometimes you gain powerful allies in smashing the adultery, sometimes they take a hands-off approach, and sometimes they assume the attitude they must be there for the wayward one, no matter what he/she has done. It never hurts to try though.

Where does your wife work with any partners in her business--or co-workers? Did she meet this OM in the performance of her job? If so, consider exposing to her partners and/or co-workers. They can place enormous pressure on her.

Is she a member of any professional or social associations…anything from the Women’s Club and Junior League to the PTA? Any organization in which she values her membership and whose goals and guidelines include high moral standards is a valid target. The rule of thumb is to select people and activities that you can reasonably expect have the ability to put some pressure on the adultery, even if it’s by way of nothing more than a disapproving glance.

How old is your daughter, btw. My youngest was 4-years-old when my WW began her infidelity. My daughter remembers it clearly today. Unless your daughter is an infant, do NOT expect she’s missed what is going on.

Don’t make your selection of exposure targets based on your wife’s potential embarrassment or her desire to be able to hold her head high in these individual’s presence. She brought this upon her own head. If she suffers anything, it is because of the adultery, not the fact that it is no longer her nasty little secret. In short, do not shield your wayward wife from the consequences of her adultery. It’s not productive and it’s playing into the hands of these partners in adultery. If they can keep their secrets intact, the adultery can continue.

If you have the resources to hire a private investigator, you can find out enormous amounts of information in a short time. I don’t know where your wife lives, but costs for a PI vary wildly from one locality to another. Most of the PI’s are online though. You can easily find plenty of them in your wife’s area.

There’s another angle from which you can hit this problem, based on where your wife is. Some states have “alienation of affection” laws still on the books. In such places as North Carolina, it’s possible to file a lawsuit against the OM for such alienation. If it’s possible where your wife is, I suspect OM’s business partner might also be interested to learn about that. They don’t have those laws on the books here in Texas though. On the other hand, PI’s are cheaper here, particularly here in San Antone. Everything is a compromise, I suppose.

Anyway, consider a wider exposure, okay?

As far as coming home to surprise her…sir, you might be letting yourself in for a scene that can flare out of control faster than spilled gasoline will from a lit match. As much as I like the TV show “Cheaters” where wayward spouses are busted on nation-wide television, you coming home in the middle of an afternoon to see what’s going on in your home is too dangerous for you, your family, and your career. Please don’t do it. Resist the temptation. It’ll almost certainly create more problems than it solves. FYI, I’m a retired AF E-9 and an Army brat. I’ve been around military personnel my whole life and I’ve seen too much of what happens in this circumstance. Don’t put yourself in a position where a temper you thought you had under an iron grip can ignite, okay?

I do not favor telling your wife about this website at this time. For now, you need this place as a refuge. Later on, when she has committed to recovering the marriage and her relationship with you will be soon enough.

Hang in there, SB. This whole thing sucks but you can get through it with a marriage intact and better than it was before. You personally will come out the other side sane and whole, no matter what. I know this because everyone here at MB has done it. We’ve all experienced this and have recovered. So will you.

Even if he does not pop into the house unexpectedly to see what is going on, and just lets her know when he is there in town only a few minutes away, it is going to blow her poor WW mind, not having any mental preparation to get her ducks in a row.

And an off-balance WS a good thing, relatively speaking.

I fully understand, NSYN. Confusing the alien's mind is a good thing more often than not and I don't have a problem with a very short warning period. However, I don't think an exhausted man operating on a severe sleep deficit (it takes a LONG time to get back to the real world) and just out of a combat zone needs to be confronting a scene that will have lasting ramifications down the line.

If you even called her to say you were in town, but spending the night in a motel to clean up and sleep before meeting her, she would absolutely flip!

It really doesn't matter if she sees you right then: just knowing you're back in town and she had no warning is going to fry her circuitry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

A favorite song for you on Father's Day
if you have speakers on you computer you can even sing it to yourself!

http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/j/e/jesuswaf.htm

God is with you, I see you know that. He will reveal His plan in this mess; He is a God of restoration, healing, comfort, and love.

MSA

Longhorn, believer, NSYN & MSA,

Thanks for your support and for the advice you've been giving me. I called WW this morning after cancelling the credit cards (I'll talk about that in a moment) upon discovering another $200 gone overnight to Target. She had just come from church and I think she was pretty convicted by the message, which was about relationships plateauing and the only wat break to the logjam is to press in for a closer relationship with God. She said she felt like God might be telling her to "give it another chance..." She was feeling very ill still and said that she was exhausted. I told her that I wished that I could be there to help her out and take care of her and DD. This led into a discussion along the lines of how she didn't think she'd ever get help from "men" or know what she'd do if it were offered. Silence (frustration) on my part. I the told her that there are more people who wanted to help but probably didn't know or didn't want to intrude. I told her to be open to family, friends, and neighbors that offered assistance. Apparently the neighbors "hate" her and her dad isn't talking to her just now...

I got some new insight from that conversation. One - that "men" are not giving her the support she needs, which I took to mean that OM is letting her down in her time of need. YEEHA! Two - that a lot of this may be spurred on by the enormous weight she is carrying by herself raising DD without a father/husband, family, or friends to support her. All the more reason why I'll be glad to make some more exposure/accountability calls to church friends who could reach out to her and hold her up to her better self at the same time.

I also asked her about whether she'd talked to our worship pastor at church. She's been talking about the importance of getting some vocal coaching and being able to serve on the worship team again. She left her demo CDs and some of her unfinished tracks with him and will likely be contacting him in the near-term to get them back. He may be a really important exposure/accountability ally that I'd overlooked and you've reminded me to think about Longhorn...

I've mentioned this site to WW in an e-mail, but she doesn't read them now anyhow. I doubt she'd find the forum or my thread, but even if she does it'll be in God's timing... likely at the end of this process. I hope I'm not wasting my thoughts or time drafting e-mails she'll never read. I've also decided to read them to her on camera and send them on DVDs as a way to connect. Up to her I suppose. Either way keeps me engaged in the fight and thinking I can make a difference from the other side of the world. Best thing is that for whatever reason the mail is going about twice as fast as it used to back to the states.

A word on the finances - A little doubt creeping in here. I'm not sure that cancelling the credit cards was such a hot idea, despite it being a part of the plan to protect the family finances. I'm thinking that she'll take it badly when she finds out and claim I'm not supporting DD, even though I already told her that I'd continue to transfer funds to her account for DD and pay the bills for the house. I can't just let her blow hundreds on nothing without being able to trust that it's for legitimate reasons, right? Besides, she'll likely try and put the cell phone bill on the CC anyhow... Am I crazy here?

Mrs. STOWaway - Thanks for your encouragement this father's day. I spent one of my hardest sleepless nights after D-Day reading a printout of the entire thread between you and jaysmom. I listened to MercyMe's "Never Alone" and wept more than I have in years. It was the most valuable time I've spent thus far because God showed me how important it was to continue to pursue Him and to never lose focus on the blessings He has given us and wants us to enjoy. Thank you for your steadfast support and encouragement of the lost, dumbfounded, and betrayed on this site.

1 Corinthians 13:8 - Love never fails.

sbmmal

sbmmal -
I am blown away by God so often. That thread hanging out there being a help to you, what an encouragement...
thanks for making my day.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

MSA

Thank you for the prayers. God works in mysterious ways - I'm thankful that he works...

I'm trying to discern where things are right now. I feel like my WW might be telling me the truth that things are progressing to an end with OM, but I have no way of knowing. There are phone records from the other night that indicate she probably left a voicemail on OM's phone and then she called her friend from KS. I'm working on a project for her and I'll probably give her a call this morning when I get it done, as she was scheduled to take DD into the doctor's for an appointment.

Need encouragement and some motivation to continue the fight with the same fervor...

Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:8.

sbmmal

I heard that many times. "I'm just easing her away." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You cannot even hope to take it at face value, but it's not a bad sign, either. To me, she is saying, "I want to be a big old cake-eater, and have them both after me for as long as possible."

Upon first arriving here, I thought cake-eating was bad. It is, if you let it continue indefinitely (I know you won't). But the fact that she is doing anything at all to try and keep you on the string means that you still have her hooked, as well. When the time comes to cut off the cake-fest, she will miss you terribly.

That is why it is such good news; since she is not fully detatched, you're ahead of the game. You just have to keep her attached, which is easier than getting her attached.

Keep doing what you're doing, but save as much strength as possible for when you're home. Dealing with a WS 24/7 is very draining.

Does a deployment to Iraq constitute a permanent change of station (PCS) or is it just a temporary duty assignment (TDY)? (I'm using Air Force abbreviations, please adjust to Army lingo as appropriate. lol)

If it's a PCS, can you move wife home to where her/your family live for the support from others she seems to need?

Reference the credit cards: Is there a way you could have one reissued to her with a small limit on it. Better yet, if she were to apply for it on her own, it might give her some confidence.

Is your WW in individual counseling? She sounds like a prime candidate for some. Have you talked to the family support office back at your home station and asked them to reach out to your wife? I don't know where they are staffed in the Army, but in the Air Force, they're generally combined with the personnel office functions. The chaplain back at your home station could be someone to ask for assistance too.

Stay in the fight, SB. You're at least beginning to communicate with your WW. Don't worry about whether she reads your emails or pays attention to phone calls, etc. She may not be ready to admit it, but every communication makes an impression on some level and each one adds at least a tiny increment more to the total. If I were you, I'd assume she IS reading them and just keep sending them saying what YOU want to get across to her. Don't expect any reaction from her right now though. She's not ready to give it. Sooner or later, though, she'll acknowledge what you're trying to say.

Hang in there, pardner.

All,

So the credit card thing blew up this morning. She's pissed that I cut her and DD off - that's how she sees it. I held firm that I was trying to do the best thing for our marriage and our finances given the information I had and the commitment to a prescribed plan. I told her that I didn't have enough information to be sure that she was really out of the relationship to base my decision about our finances on. In a way I think she's afraid that I'm abandoning her and what we had, holding the A over her head, and punishing her. I reiterated that I was still committed to the responsibilities I have for DD and our family, but that money was tight right now, which it is.

I'm praying that this isn't the LB that it feels like it is. I want to trust what she's telling me is the truth. She told me it was over with OM. She didn't tell me until today that he made that call out of guilt from the voicemail that I left him, in which I implored him to do what is right and leave my family alone and intact. She got hot at me about that one and now I know why. I'm glad for whatever I said and for the burden God made him face. Now I have to get WW through withdrawal, which is where she is I'm almost certain.

I think that dispite some missteps today with the finances, I still made some points by having a buddy of mine come by the house and take care of the lawn while DD and WW were at the doctor's office. I reminded her that we have very good friends and that they want to see us be successful in our marriage. I'm thankful for good friends that are supportive of our family.

The deployment to Iraq is not a PCS, so moving DD and WW back to CO for more support is not an option on the Army dime. WW is not in individual counseling, but I am talking to her about going, because I am talking about going myself. I talked to my mom yesterday about DD and WW coming to live with them, but also mentioned that she is probably reluctant to move as she becomes depressed... She needs support as she begins withdrawal.

Thank God that the first phase is over and I pray that it remains that way... up to her.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for your continued support.

Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:8

I blew it. The finances thing was a huge mistake. I made her feel abandoned and I apologized profusely. She called a lawyer. It turns out that she and OM are not together in a PA anymore. Although I firmly believe that they are still in an EA. I found out that he is former military, hence the guilt about doing what he's doing to my family. I have discovered that I become a very controlling person out of fear and pride during a crisis. I need prayer and support to get over that. It's ugly and I don't think that I can save my marriage without God healing me of that tendency.

I need all the prayer you can muster as we are at a critical juncture and I need all the help I can get. Exposing to save my marriage and family with love and support from couples we know.

Okay...well, what's your plan to recover from this mistake? It can be done. Fix up a credit card with the bank for a limited amount or something, along with an abject apology for sending her the wrong signal by doing that.

Apples and oranges. Lawyers and whether they are involved physically or not. What do these have to do with each other, pardner? Also, an EA can be as difficult or more difficult to get over than a PA. I don't understand what you're getting at here.

Also, when a spouse is in the midst of an A, they seem to view EVERYTHING the BS does in the worst possible context. They can't see that you might be protecting yourself, it's all about THEM THEM THEM. Prepare yourself for lies from her about where she stands with OM, and what is the case one day can change the next. Her and OM's good intentions need to have some time behind them before you can trust them. Unfortunately, time is all that sorts a lot of this junk out. Affairs don't die as quickly or easily as we BS's think they do, or wish they did. When my WH called the OW "human crazy glue" I thought he was seeing the light. No way. Yes, I let him vent to me about her problems and issues. Yes, that was really hard. Yes, trying to be a friend to him instead of a defensive wife helped save our marriage...

Don't confuse exposure and steps you take to protect your finances vs. LoveBusters. A WS will make exposure and financial decisions seem like lovebusters because they will do anything to get you to back off and stop making them face reality.

Plan A the heck out of her, but it's okay to protect yourself, and it's essential to expose.

If she's interested in counseling at all, the Harleys are a great option for you guys with the distance issue once the A is over for sure.(phone coaching - when we counseled with Jennifer Harley Chalmers she lived in the Phillipines, I think she still does!) It's costly, but so is divorce. For under $1,000 we saved our marriage - heck that was the same as the retainer I paid my lawyer!

Praying for you -
MSA

IMO, as long as you didn't leave her without money for necessities, I don't see a problem with limiting her spending right now. Even if she is truly not with the OM - at this moment - you cannot trust her judgment. Too many BS's have found, to their sorrow, that their WS has racked up all kinds of debt while in the throes of their A. I am one of those, but am very thankful that almost all of it was in the form of cororate loans, and we had less than $2,000 to pay back (to the OW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />). Others have not been so fortunate, and have lost huge sums that will never be recovered.

Apologize if you think it will help, but deep down I hope you know that you did something difficult to try and protect your family, and did not act out of spite.

The suggestion of one card with a small limit (and to which you have full access of the bills) sounds like a good idea.

Longhorn, NSYN & MSA,

Okay, here's the deal: Today was crazy and I lost it some and panicked thinking I was going to come home to a divorce packet...

I explained my thinking behind the card shut-off and reassured her that I would still be covering her and DD. She cited our agreement to use the CC for all expenses, which I thought to myself as odd given the circumstances. I told her I was trying to protect our finances from the infidelity relationship. She cried trust fouls and got angry that I was following her spending and phone calls. Uncovering the truth IMHO. I told her that I had tried to consult her on the issues but had been unable to reach her, so I sent her an e-mail and covered the debits.

I found a number I didn't recognize on the mobile phone bill and called it. It was a lawfirm. She denies contacting a lawyer or taking steps toward a D. I made the decision right then and there to start calling everybody I knew would put pressure on the affair. I started with WW's BF in KS. I finally got her to agree to speak her mind about WW's behavior and I offered some accountability for her relationship with her H. I was then emboldened to contact OM and leave him a voicemail that pulled on his sense of duty, honor, country to execute NC with my wife. A bold step I think will help. I then called many of our friends and family, asking for support and exposing the A. I was discouraged by the response of one or two, but overall, it was a positive turning point I think.

WW sent me an e-mail since I couldn't get her via phone and told me she felt betrayed and angry... No shock. She also acknowledged that she understood my intention (to save the marriage), but that she was still mad. She'll get over it I'm sure. In the meantime, I'm considerign taking a wait and see approach to continued contact via phone. I'm starting to feel desperate. I'm sending DVD movies of my life here and it's taking a lot of time and effort to maintain this breakneck pace. After yesterday's fireworks, I think I could use the break for my own sanity. I appreciate the comments that what is needed is just time and time is what I have until July.

Thanks for the support of the financial decision. It is very difficult to trust her to have good intentions with anything right now. I'm hopeful that she really did arrange this Las Vegas trip for us and I'm considering merging that with a marriage seminar in CA... Anybody ever tried a Save My Marriage conference?

More to follow.

Great job with the exposure.

Don't exhaust yourself doing nice things. At least try to send her a short email each day (if you are able) letting her know you miss her, are thinking of her, etc., and send DVD's maybe once every week or two.

Small (mostly) but very consistently is your key, since you can't keep up a madman's pace forever. As in you can't send her flowers every day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're doing good.