I saw the WW last night. We sat and watched some TV together and generally enjoyed ourselves. At one point, though, I tried to give her a kiss and she pushed me away while asking me to please stop acting like I was her boyfriend. She asked me to please just be her friend.

That crushed me, and pretty much ruined the rest of the night for me.

We talked some, but I held it in. This morning, at about 5:30, I woke up and realized I couldn't do this anymore. I hopped on MSN and told her goodbye, then logged off. I ignored when she called. Eventually, though, I did call her back. I didn't explain anything to her.. just was sorta silent.

She came over about 2 hours later. I decided to let her in because I figured she deserved an explanation. She stayed until around 1pm. She slept here; I held her, knowing that it was going to be the last time I'd see her for God knows how long.

She just wants to be my friend. She's apparently this affectionate with all of her friends; I'm not special. Sure, she wanted to be a friend with some benefits, but I think she's that way with too many people, and it scares me. Plus, it hurts that I can't mean more to her than her other friends, given that I'm her husband and the father of her child.

So I told her goodbye again. I told her that I can't be her friend because I'm not ready yet. I'm not over her. I love her too much. I have to stay away from her.

God, I hate this. I wish it never happened. I wish she never left. I wish things could be different. Why does this have to happen to me? Why does it have to happen to any of us?

Why does this have to be such a rollar coaster ride? Up, then down, then up, then down...

Is love really like an addiction? Am I going through withdrawl? Not having her makes my life feel incomplete. But on other days or just at other times, I feel perfectly fine without her. I just want this craziness to stop... but I know that 2 months is not nearly long enough for me to have healed.

How long? How much longer do I have to live with this? How do I make it go away?

Just as a 'heads up' for you...

Stand your ground on this. Make it CLEAR to your wife that her choice to give you up means exactly that. She's not only losing you as her husband, she's losing you as a friend as well.

My wife didn't start to waiver in her resolve to go live with OM until I made this undeniably clear to her. I outlined alot of the things that would never happen due to her choice. All of the family-type events that we WOULDN'T share in any way. How I would NEVER accept just a 'friendship' relationship with her. If she left me to go live with OM, we'd divorce, and that would ABSOLUTELY mean we'd never be together in any fashion again. And I meant it. I showed her exactly what would happen...how the kids would have to chose with one of us they'd want at what events, because if she showed up to something with OM, there was no way things would have remained civil.

And she knew me well enough to realize I wasn't bluffing, and that I wouldn't change my mind later.

Believe it or not, it was this that cracked the fantasy bubble. She'd had this fantasy of thinking I'd just forgive her, and that she'd run off and live with OM and all would be wonderful. She thought the kids would accept him as another 'dad', and that her and OM and I would all be best friends. Reality was something far different, and both the kids and I let her know that up front.

Realizing that she really was going to lose me completely, and possibly her kids as well was actually the beginning of her wake up call.

Don't let her hide from the consequences of her affair. Doing so only lets her get away with it. Make it clear to her how much you love her...but at the same time make it clear to her that you are NOT willing to go along with her charade.

Have you already filed or is that paperwork on hold? Did you file legal separation paperwork or divorce?

Have you changed the locks? Taken her off joint accounts? Taken other steps to protect yourself and your son, both physically and financially?

You cannot allow this to keep happening. I keep hearing that plan B is for the BS to preserve what love they have left for the WS. I really think you need to send her a plan B letter and then stop all contact with her except through a designated intermediary.

If you are really determined to work on the marriage, then you need to identify under what terms that will take place and put them in your plan B letter. There are lots of good examples on this site.

Well, I have both Legal Separation paperwork and Divorce paperwork. They're both on hold, though the LS papers are all filled out... just have to be signed and filed.

Locks are changed, we had no joint accounts. Working still toward removing her from utilities and some other bills, but otherwise things are separate.

As hard as it sounds, I suppose I have to go through with the Plan B path. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to say in it, though... I mean, is it even worth it? She doesn't seem interested in fixing the marriage. She says that she's made her choice. Is this just her own delusions speaking?

Please help me..

The classic question:

Can one spouse save a marriage by themself?

The answer is apparently yes. Well, in most cases, at least.

What about my case? My WS has already moved out. She says she has 'made her decision.' She doesn't want to go to MC because she says it's just a 'waste of my money.' She's been seeing other guys.

Yet she says she still loves me, that she's just not /in/ love with me anymore. She tells me she's not looking for a relationship with anyone... that she wants to be single for awhile. She is still very affectionate to me, even in ways that she hasn't been for more than a year and a half.

Do I have a chance? I mean, really? Should I even bother? I really don't know what to think or do. I love her more than anything, even with the pain she's caused me. I won't let her back into my life if I think that she might do that sort of thing again.. I won't be walked on by her again.. but I think we could be happy enough to where those sorts of things never crossed her mind again.

How do I find a way to get another chance?

Yes.


No.


No.


2x4 coming.

You could beg, plead, whine, cajole, give her an open marriage, gratefully accept the crumbs of affection she tosses your way sometimes, stay up all night wondering where she is and who she's with, be a doormat, and generally give your son an example of what a man is not.

Or you could MAN UP, sever all ties, file for divorce, and get on with your life. If that's enough to shock your WW back into reality, great. If not, then maybe nothing will.

Look, I'm not trying to minimize your pain. But it's apparent that your WW has already made her choice, and it's time for you to act accordingly.

we have exactly the same problem. WH has been "thrown out" by me after D-day (since i discovered it when he was due home from a biz trip that he extended to another trip).

right now his issue is that there is an OC coming so he can't meet me halfway in repairing the marriage. have a feeling he doesn't really love the OW just terribly guilty. they discussed abortion but im not sure if OW is willing although WH is really decided on an abortion. not like he needs another kid!

so now im still in limbo. i wanna hit him with a 2x4 and make him realize to act on the immediate problem coz it will not go away.

maybe just get an annulment. take the easy way out.

Joe Beam, founder of Family Dynamics, was married and they divorced. They later remarried. And built a strong marriage. He maintains no marriage is without hope until one party marries another person.

Well..

Okay then.

Seems pretty simple.

I sent this in email to my wife today. I would like opinions on it. I have removed names though, just for my own safety.

Subject: To the love of my life.

Dear (WW),

This is it. I can't go on like this any longer. Say what you will, but it's just not good for me. I just can't do it.

My love for you is like a mother's kiss on a bad scratch; innocent, pure, powerful, and ever-healing. Yet, at the same time, my love for you is dirty and sexual. Truely, madly, deeply, I am in love with every part of you: Your brains, your looks, your soul, your sex. You have woven your being into my very soul, and I don't want to let it go. Every beat of my heart calls out your name. Can't you hear it?

I love you. I'm in love with you. You are the blood that flows through my veins - lifegiving and necessary. I married you; I was, and still am, willing to give everything I am for you. I was, and still am, willing to give you my life until death and my soul for eternity.

Being with you has always had its ups and downs. However, the fact that we always came back to one another in the end with a stronger love for one another has only made my love for you more complete. We always worked through our problems, and even if it was rough, we always loved one another enough to give each other another chance. It was as if our love was immortal and that nothing could defeat it.

But I know now, that's not true.

I hurt, (WS). I hurt so very much. The events of the past several months have metaphorically torn my heart out and stomped it into the ground. I have tried to go on as normal. I have tried to be your friend, both because I truely do want to be your friend, and also because of hopes that doing so would allow us to heal and return to one another, as has been done every time in the past. But, this time seems different.

This time, that which could not be killed seems to have been killed. At least, in you. And I don't understand.

(WS), I love you. I love you like the flower loves the touch of a cool spring rain. I want you, like the child who wants his teddy bear. I need you, like the parched man who is begging for water. You are my other half; my better half. We always thought we were soulmates. Could this have changed so much?

What could possibly have happened that was so bad that it could kill your love for me? What could possibly have happened that would destroy any hope of its survival? I just don't understand. If you ever truely were in love with me as much as you have said... how could you not want to give us another shot?

If we can't try again, I can't go on. I can't be your friend. Not now. Maybe not ever. I love you far too much to simply be your friend. It hurts too much to be near you. It hurts too much to hear your voice or to feel your touch. I want it all, not just part. I want ALL of YOU, not just part. Especially if that part is the same part you give to others. That makes it hurt even more.

So this is it. For real this time. I've said it before and relented, but I can't let myself do that this time. If you ever truely loved me--if you ever were truely in love with me and ever truely wanted to be with me forever, like we promised to one another--you will come and see me and we will talk it out. We will find a path and we will make things work. We will realize that we really can still be in love with one another; that we really can be the immortal couple who last forever. Our love really is and really can be that strong.

Look into your heart. Listen to your heart. I'm calling for you. Come back to me.

Please don't make this letter be my goodbye to you.

I love you, (WS). I have always loved you, since the moment I first laid eyes on you, and will always love you until the day I die. I don't know that I can ever love anyone else as completely as I did you.

I miss you.

Love, always and forevermore,
(ME)

What do you all think? Was it too much? Did you think it will get across my intentions of either finding a way to work things out or cutting off all contact for good? I know, it's not quite a Plan B letter, but I haven't really been going by the 'rules,' so to speak.

Either way... with her making a real effort to fix things or with me on my own, I will find a way to be happy.

Ummmm.......the letter has some strong points, and alot of desperate sounding points......which will make a wayward run and hide. I think its a bit over the top. You should have been very brief and to the point.


JMHO

*sigh*

I guess I'm desperate, then. And that is a terrible flaw.

I was hoping that it would show that I love her. Not that I was desperate for her to come back.

Oh well. I failed.

Its not that you failed.......next time you email or talk to her.....just try and sound like you are doing OK. She knows you love her and want the marriage back, but you dont want a WW to think you cant live without them. It just makes them stronger and you seem weak. At least from my experience. My EX acted like I was weak and was nothing, until I worked on my self esteem and decided I was someone, and didnt NEED to put up with being treated like nothing.

Like I said......just MHO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, things happened this weekend and everything just got worse. I really, really hate this. I hate feeling used. I hate feeling like an idiot. I feel like I'm just so stupid.

She told me tonight (while she was apparently upset because, I'm assuming, somebody she really liked must have spurned her or something--when I asked if she was okay, she told me it wasn't my concern and was none of my business, etc) that she had just 'settled' when she married me. That she didn't 'reach,' and that she just took the 'safe and secure' route. Nothing else she has ever said to me has made me feel worse than those words.

I can't stand this. I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to go on. It hurts so much. I feel so worthless. I just want to sleep forever. In sleep I dream, in dreams I am happy and have everything I want. My whole family can be together and happy. I hate this.

I don't know what to do.

EDIT: Additional info:

She tells me that I am not what she wants. I stopped meeting her emotional needs, and apparently started ignoring her. I can see that it may have really happened. But she stopped meeting my needs, too. She started ignoring me, too. She won't admit that.

I try to tell her that I am willing to work on the needs issues, but she tells me that she shouldn't have to tell me what she wants. Because then I'd just try to change to meet her needs and be what she wants, and she doesn't want to be 'responsible' for me changing into someone that I am not, just because I want to be with her again. This is so aggravating! She doesn't understand... marriages are about communication! Emotional needs can change, but when they do, the spouse has no way of knowing unless you talk about it! She also told me that she doesn't think I could ever give her what she wants and needs.

That just hurts.

Dammit, what do I do?

Well, today is my birthday. I spent some time with WW today because she wanted to see me for my birthday. It was... quiet. We just went to dinner, but we didn't stay long because she wasn't feeling well. I tried to make sure that I didn't act needy or clingy.. in fact, I didn't make any affectionate moves toward her at all. When I took her home, we did sit together in a chair for a few minutes, but that was it.

Apparently she is going to be moving to California soon. She's not sure how soon, yet. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me is relieved because she won't be here for me to see, and so it will make it easier to get over her, but part of me doesn't want her to go because if she does, it destroys all chances of us ever working things out.

I know that I said I didn't want to, but those were words of suffering. She apologized to me for being so hurtful. She was in a very bad mood and said things she didn't really mean because we were arguing.

Anyway, I feel better when I'm around her, now. I don't feel so nervous or upset, and I can leave without being upset and missing her instantly.

But I do still miss her, deep down, and that's what I have to get over. I honestly don't know if this marriage is worth saving, or if it's even saveable in the first place.

But she's beautiful, and I know she has a good heart. I know she's just lost and confused. I really wish things could be different.

Uhm, Rogue?

She's moving to CA with your son? Do I hear that correctly?

LA

No.. my son is staying with me. That has already been decided and agreed upon.

Oh, good...whew.

Sorry for not knowing that. Happy B-Day, a day late and a card short.

LA

Heh, thanks for the birthday wishes.

As for my WW, I still have hopes. I probably shouldn't, but I do. I really want to believe that we can one day work things out. That one day she will figure things out and make herself better.

Maybe that hope will go away someday. Everyone tells me that I shouldn't take her back ever. I still love her so much though. It's so hard.

Does it ever get any easier?