you my dear sir are the HERO of the week!!! and a hero for life to you very lucky children! god bless!

MM,

I hate to say congratulations given that you really did love your W and wanted to maintain your marriage. But, given all that has transpired you have done very very well. You will never have to worry about "did I give this every chance".

I note that you could have gotten full custody again, but choose not to, and I suspect I know why you have chosen to not have a quick divorce. I hope that works out well for you.

Must go, but it is good that this has turned out as it has given your W's lack of interest in the marriage.

God Bless,

JL

MM,

Wow....wow...wow.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I could feel the tension and cheered at how well you and your attorney handled yourselves. Her attorney and the WS were their own worst enemy in that court. You just had to present your facts and let the judge take it from there.

Judges are not stupid. Funny how the WS thinks everyone will believe their stories. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I kept wanting to see the financial part settle more in your favor. How dare she under report her income.

As for the children, there are no winners but their dad will make sure the children are winners..... in life this is a hard lesson learned but you stil have each other.

Glad your mother was there. How is MIL in all of this?

All the best to you and your children.

Take care,
L.

Yeah. And this thing aint over yet. The final divorce stuff has to be done. Added to that, I still have some things that my wife values right now that she wont be able to have in her life under the current order. Like the OM...and some other things that I must sit on for awhile and not make public...lest I give away my position. I am in no hurry. I dont need to get married in a month. So, this is no skin off my back. But it is for her!


Thank you.

Standing in His Presence

Thanks FH. The Lord is good. I also hope that the Lord will find a way to lead my wife back to Him. It is the only way her life will ever be made right. It is doubtful that she will ever be led back to me...but I dont doubt the power of God and what He can do. So, who knows?

But I proceed forward without her. And see where He takes me next.

Standing in His Presence

Thanks Nikko! It isnt hard being a hero if you just follow the Lord.

In reality, the only thing I have really made sure of in all of this is that my kids will always be able to look into my eyes with the look they have had the last few years. Dad has always come thru. It has allowed me to show them where this truly comes from...and that is Him. They have begun to understand that.

Standing in His Presence

JL, thanks! I understand what you mean. While there is a loss here...there is also freedom now from the mess. And in that, I am thankful. Unlike Hosea, I dont want this to last 10 years! Five has been enough! Hosea was a better man than me, I have to say.

On the divorce issue, I did mention above a little why I am in no hurry. You can probably guess some of the reasons. But I cannot put them out there right now, jsut in case my wife decides to look on here. Suffice it to say, it is in my best interest to hold right now...and as an aside, it thwarts my wife from doign some of the things she wants/needs to do.

Thanks again, JL.

Standing in His Presence

It is funny! Kinda weird. I dont blame her attorney...he did an awesome job, with the lame case he was handed. This guy does work for Larry King...he is expensive and well known. So, he did a great job considering. But when you start with crap...there isnt much you can do to make crap edible. And judges really are hardly ever fooled.


Which is one of the reasons I have things on hold. I wont say anymore right now.


Yeah. it is weird how WWs act. This week, our dog that we have had for 12 years went to the vet. He has a hip problem that is gettign worse. The vet said that he might not make it thru the summer, and we may have to think about putting him down. The kids and I were there. That dog has been there since a few months before my daughter was born, so he has always been a part of their lives. Sad that their mom is doing this at the same time that they will probably lose the dog.

I decided not to do it right away, as this has been a very tough week on the kids. Let a week or two go by, and then do it. The dog is doing okay right now, just cant walk stairs too well. But it is degradign fast and we will have to make a decision in the next few weeks.

The main reason I brought this up was that my wife calls my mother to ask what is up with the dog. My wife says "That is sad. The kids are losing so much lately." Huh? I agree...but the reason they are losing so much is that she is doing this to them. Sure, the dog isnt her fault. But everything else is. I wonder sometimes if my wife has a brain in her head! (Oopppssss...I am sure that is probably a Disrespectful Judgement <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />).

She asked if she could come when we put the dog down. I said "no." She never really like the dog, was upset that we even got him. The kids know she doesnt like him. So, I told her we will do this ourselves. She was a little put off by that. But heh...when you leave the family...you dont get to participate in family events.


My MIL is probably the single biggest outside reason that my wife is who she is and the reason this hasnt worked out. My MIL is a piece of work. She wants my wife to get the kids for possession purposes. But when the kids are there, my MIL spends very little time with the kids. She does take them to swimming or baseball or whatever, when my wife cant be there. But if there is someone taking them, my MIL doesnt come unless my wife drags her along. My mom, though...comes to everything. She loves watching the kids. she loves coming to their events.

Seems to me, that both my wife and I followed our parents. It is too bad that hers were so messed up. I thank God I had the ones I did.


Thanks Orchid!

Standing in His Presence

MM,

You said
MM, I don't need to guess and say no more. I believe I understand fully.

God Bless,

JL

MM,

""She then mentions somethign about her winning and getting most of the time with them. She states she gets 183 days and I get 182.""

TOO FUNNY!! This says mucho about Mrs MM. And MOST of the time?? It's all a competition with her?

I know that you say nobody won, and you are correct. But I think you came out smellin' like a rose. Specially when you obtain your own place and have to change the child support #s.

I KNOW your kids won...having you on the weekends! Hope your son can do the baseball dealio!

krk

I see strains for both of you in the current schedule, MM. Eventually there will come a time (it will take a long while) when you long for a whole Saturday to do whatever YOU want to do. Just like your wife will long (much sooner, I suspect) for time to spend with your kids to do what they would like to do on a Saturday.

I'm glad that this part of the journey is over for you, MM. I think things went as well as this kind of tragedy can.

I would like to know, though, what you are going to do for the next few months to further your own growth and healing. You've been planning for this and the other events along the path to divorce for a long time. But have you planned out how you will heal and the things you will do to learn and grow? Would you be able to share some of that with the ever-eager crowd? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My interpretation of Mrs. MM's comments .... she was worried MM might get FULL custody & she would get "visitation".

I think that's what she has indicated here. THAT is her "victory".

meanwhile, the children come from a broken home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .... some dumb-[censored] victory her adultery has brought (DJ .... opps)

Pep

ABSOLUTELY!! It is about winning. About getting all she can, at whatever cost.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


He can now! I have 90% of the weekends!

Standing in His Presence

Pep, she was worried. She was worried she would be branded yet again as a mother that lost her kids. But in this case, she actually thought she won...that she got money from me AND she would have the kids more than me. Which wasnt the case. And when the money sitch changes and she might possibly start paying me? Well, then her "we won" will be completely hollow.

Yeah. Look what her stupid behavior has wrought on everyone. (Okay, I knwo that was another DJ!)

Standing in His Presence

Maybe. I havent spent more than two weekends in the last 4 years apart from the kids. So, not sure how much I will want to be away. But it is possible. Especially in the future, if there is someone in my life. But that is what grandma is for, right? So Dad can have a few hours!

What my wife longs for is no longer my responsibility nor my concern. My concern is my kids and my family. My wife is no longer a part of that family. She made her choices. These are the consequences of those choices. It is what she sought. she wanted divorce. She wanted this to go to court. She rolled the dice. This is what she got.

At least for the near future, I doubt this will cause her any angst. This will allow her to do whatever she wants on the weekend. To act liek a teenager in heat. Of course, if she wants to come to the children's baseball, swimming, etc...she can. And she might for some of it. But the woman she has become...I figure this is perfect for what she seeks. Sadly!


They did.


I can. And will as we go along, as some of it is just flushing out. I may be enterign a partnership for a new business. We are in discussions right now. I also continue to be active in baseball, coaching on two teams. Of course, my time is occupied mostly with the kids. And I also am trying to get active in the church with marriages/divorce, etc. Plus getting a new home.

A VERY full plate right now! The last four years, I have been stuck fighting this battle. I now can look forward and plan for the future. And it is looking pretty good. And it looks like that it wont take long for it to get real good.

Of course, that will burn my wife's panties to see me get everything we were building for...everything we wanted. I wont feel sorry for her, though. She made her choice.

Standing in His Presence

I applaud your strong faith mortor.. as things in my sitch have turned completely upside down and sideways I have learned (and maybe this was the plan all along) to give EVERYTHING over to God. I don't worry about anything anymore, I know He will take care of it all. My ex still wayward (the one you helped me with with the military stuff, remember?) has actually filed for full custody of our children! Like he would ever get it. I spoke with his attorney who called me (I am representing myself at the moment on this issue as I feel it will get way solved out of court) and I don't think my ex realizes this man is a Christian! And saw MY side on many things. And disagreed with my ex on many more. So, God works in strange ways. I lay everything at His feet every single day because so much is out of my control now.

You are proof mortor, that standing by God He will take care of His own... He will! mlhb

I'm glad you're looking forward, MM.

And I know it feels good to be able to do things that you wanted to do, and that your wife wanted to do, too.

I understand why you would say it will make your wife unhappy to see it. I look forward to the day when you've healed enough to forgive. It takes a long time. You'll know when you actually care how she feels again.

It took me, oh, two years to really get there. It was an ugly time, let me tell you. I never did anything awful, but there were times when I allowed my lack of compassion to lead me to do things that are unnecessarily upsetting for my ex. I'm glad I don't feel the need to do that very often anymore. Not so much for her sake, but more because I feel better about myself now.

Hello Mortarman:

I was just directed to your post by _AD_, because he said that you and I seem to be in a very similar situation re custody. I have a potentially very adversial custody case coming up. I've only had the oppportunity to read the last couple of pages of your post, but I understand that you have just gone through a very tough custody case yourself.

As I was reading about your struggles, one of the things that struck me was your statement somewhere that you are at peace with yourself because in your heart you know you did what you had to do to try to preserve your marriage and do what is right for your children. This struck me because I've basically promised myself and my family the same thing: I will do anything humanly possible to try to save my marriage. If it can't be done, I will do anything I can to protect my children and do what's best for them.

Anyway, if at all possible, I would like to invite you to come and have a look at my post "I feel crushed" in the GQ II section. Maybe there's some information you're willing to share. If not, no hard feelings.

I wish you peace...

V

MLHB,

Sorry I didnt see your post before.


I absolutely agree. Sometimes, even though it is happening to us...it really is about us. Sometimes, the Lord has to use extreme measures to get us where we needed to be. If all of this had not happened, if I hadnt trusted Him thru this...would I be in the relationship with Him that I am today? Doubtful. While I didnt want this and would love for it to be different, I also know that I would not change the relationship I now have with the Lord for my marriage. I guess what I am saying is that I value the relationship I have with Jesus now...more than I value being able to go back and do this whole thing differently.


Good luck. Ha! He is delusional.


Stay there...right beside Him. Do not take your eyes off Him.


That He will. He will take care of you, if you let Him.

Standing in His Presence

Just J, I know what you are getting at here. But I do have to say that I have forgiven her. If I had not, I would have never tried to reconcile. I also would not have the relationship with Jesus that I have. He says that if I do not forgive, He will not forgive me. So my forgiveness has nothing really to do with my wife and everything to do with me not hindering my relationship with Christ. On whether I care how my wife feels...I of course care. The issue is not caring, it is whether I have sympathy for her.

It is like if she was hammering a nail and slammed it into her thumb. I would care that she hurt her thumb. I also would have sympathy for her pain...I would try to help her feel better.

But, if she stood there knowing the truth...and still decided to hit her thumb on purpose with the hammer...how would I feel? I would still care, as she would have a damaged thumb and a lot of pain. but I would have no sympathy for her. None. she did it on purpose. She knew the consequences. And my responsibility to help heal her of the self-inflicted pain...well, I have no responsibility for that.

I hope that better explains my position on that.


That is good. And as I said, since her consequences and wounds will all be self-inflicted, it really has allowed me to move on. To not be responsible. To not feel that I need to help. To not feel that I need to show sympathy for her.

Because I do not. There is not one ounce of sympathy for her for what she has done and the consequences she will reap. she chose this route. she was shown mercy and forgiveness by me and God. And she turned her back on both of us. She was given more than enough chances to stop her destructive behavior...to stop rebelling against God. And she still chooses even to this day to raise the hammer and defy everyone that she will hit her thumb on purpose and there will be no pain.

I have no sympathy for that. I have little compassion for that either. I actually feel that if I were to act that way, that I would be an idiot! And I look at those that do so, also are mentally challenged.

As I have outlined before, sinning is different than rebelling. It really is. All of us sin...we make mistakes. I have sympathy and compassion for those that suffer consequences of their sins...as I do also.

In rebellion, I have no sympathy. And neither does God. God actually outlines in Hebrews 10 that the Christian that is in rebellion no longer is covered by the blood of Christ for their rebellion. They are to face their consequences head on. No mercy. No forgiveness. As it goes on to say for Christians..."it is a terrible thign to fall into the hands of the Living God."

I have no sympathy nor compassion for those that reap the consequences of rebellion. I tried to save my wife and my family those consequences. I protected her for years from those consequences, hoping she would turn back from her rebellion. Sadly, my protecting her may have enabled her.

But the Lord told me earlier this year to "let the unbeliever go." The Lord has had enough. He is freeing me and the kids from this he!! that she has put all of us thru. He is also preparing to bring those consequences of her rebellion down squarely on her head. And she has no one else to blame but herself.

So, I do care for my wife and the fact that she is where she is. I tried so hard to help her back from the edge of the cliff. But she put herself there. And now, the Lord has asked me...no, commanded me...to get out of the way so He may deal with her. And I am glad that it is no longer my problem...that He has now taken up my cause. She cannot run from the Father. As mothers all over the Earth used to say..."wait until your father gets home." Well, guess what? Daddy is home and he is not pleased!

I hope that explains where I am coming from.

Standing in His presence