I look around, at my family, and then think somethin positive about my husband that has happened int he last 24 - 48 hours, and I get through...

This is great...

this is in fact part of the anatomy of an affair....

what we believe are thoughts beyond our control...

when people in an active affair...say..

"but I think about him/her all the time....." Is a large part because we feed and energize those thoughts...we give them great power....
AND
in doing so we take away such energy and power from others...ie spouse...family ...etc...

we are not so much victims to our thoughts and feelings as we we sometimes want to believe...but gardeners and tenders.....

nurturing and feeding these ones...

pushing others away...

again blessings to you 2crazy....you are doing well...and people here know it's hard...

stay strong...

post often.
you are very much a inspiration to others here..

(lucky you huh...? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ARK

Hi 2crazy.

May I suggest you put a tape over the first letter of his email account, just a reminder
Not to continue, or better yet tape a sharp pin this way you can avoid the letter altogether. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

just a thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Have a nice day.

Tony.

Having a tough day...it is amazing, how emotions can go up & down and all over from day to day...One minute "clear as a bell" the next..thinking...wondering...need to get passed the area of NC being "upsetting" to me.

trying to describe what you are feeling is like being on a merry-go-round---spinning from one thought to the next, from one question to the next.

I can hear myself thinking & fighting ..the conversation of "can't beleive he hasn't written or called...did I really mean that little"...and at the same time hearing yourself answer "DAH! YES!!!"...and what do you care...

"He isn't mine to think about"...."He belongs to her" (insert her name of course)

Hate these days..hate these days..hate these days...and don't even ask me to think good things about my family or my husband right now..because it is better to just keep beating myself up with us....

PHEW!!! either I am going crazy...or the "fog" has grippers that don't want to let go...

Sorry for rambling..thanks for listening...
Hope everyone else is having a "Good Day" because bad days are really crappy!

Good morning 2crazy.

Welcome to the world of betrayal, I’m having an awful day today, my heart is pounding
I’m not thinking straight, my thoughts are everywhere to I keep fighting,
I’m in it for the long run, or until I lose my love for my WW.

I know exactly how you feel heck you’ve been with OM for 3 years, feeling rejected
Is not a good feeling?

Quote:
“I can't believe he hasn't written or called...did I really mean that little”

Keep that thought it will make you hate him.

I feel the same way the only difference is the person I miss is right here with me,
But she is not.
At least you don’t see OM everyday; you will be ok, just another day,
Your feelings are valid you are entitled to be sad angry mad, I know you miss OM
But like you said who cares” HE IS NOT YOURS TO THINK ABOUT”.

Stop beating yourself up over him.

Keep your head up high.
Have a nice day.

don't be sorry keep venting here we are listening
thank you for posting.
Tony.

Tony,

Unfortunately I know what that looks like..
I have seen it on my husband's face..
I have heard it in his voice...

and knowing that I am the one who has caused that to be there..or caused him to act or think this way...really leaves me feeling guilty.

As you say..."keep your head up high"

THE DAY WILL GET BETTER...

2crazy,

Have you admitted to your H about the full extent of your affair? It sounds as if you are trying to do this on your 'own'. I may be wrong here...but, I think it is still a secret on your part. If you have admitted...then the rest of this is pretty much junk.

That secret is going to be what causes you to fail. You have this great little 'out', because right now, you don't have any consequences other than being right where you were 'in the affair'. If you really want significant help on no contact, do two things. 1. Tell you husband the entire truth (at least let him make the choice if he wants to be married to an adultress) 2. Write a NC to the OM and address it to his wife (likewise letting her choose if she wants to be married to an adulterer). Both of these steps will help you make tremendous leaps towards true NC, and thus healing.

Until then, I think you are setting yourself up for failure.

2crazy
Rook is right, take his advice.

One more thing I want to add you need to stop beating yourself up, and start forgiving yourself, if you want others to forgive you, you made a huge mistake and it seems to me
That you are remorseful, so get this of your shoulders and tell your BH, I’m pretty sure
He knows already, but it will be better coming out of you.
And who knows maybe you will have a better marriage; no body here said it’s easy,
But persistency is the key here, and like you said you are a strong woman, but you can’t
Do it on your own.

((((((2crazy)))))).

Tony.

Good morning.

How are you doing today?

Tony.

Morning..

I am hanging in there...somehow weekends are always easier to get through, it is getting through the very very long week that is more difficult.

My answer to Rook, is NO..I haven't admitted the full extent of the A to my H. I still don't understand the neccessity for all the details...more hurt...more pain...I have admitted to the EA, and he knows that I met OM on the Internet, he knows that I was very close to leaving our marriage, I believe he assumes a PA, as he read a few of the e-mails that were sent.

As for consequences??? The consequences were if I did not end this A I would damage my M beyond repair..my H would certainly have called the OMW...and gone to the OM house...

The consequences are also that he knows!!! That he knows how I destroyed him...I have to look into his face and see the hurt, mis-trust, and questions....those ARE the consequences that I live with everyday...

I have sent a NC to letter to the OM...it has been 14 days and counting!...I don't think it is necessary to tell OMW, that is his responsibility. He needs to begin working at home, just as I do...to fix the problems with why we left our marriages in the first place.

Maybe that is not the MB way...or your way....however, it is how I choose to handle this...when my husband asks questions of me... I answer them.

All that matters right now is that I am staying in this marriage and working at making this right and stronger than ever. That is all he is asking of me, to stay, to work with him, and all I am asking of him is his forgivness.

We all work the steps in our own time...in our own way...all that should be important is that we are working toward each other and not away from each other.

Well....at least that is where I am now...this is all I can give right now...It is all I can ask of my H right now...we both have to wade through the muck!

The weekend is here...we have been making time on the weekend for ourselves...no kids...no talk about the kids...just us...we talk..we laugh..we fight..we cry...
thing is WE do this TOGETHER....

It is a start..it is a step...I am trying to stay on the path!...

You still should contact OMW or he should. Don't protect other man from his lies.

Also, having been a BS, I can tell you that as a man you can obsess over the sexual details of what you did and where. If he wants to know, warn him that it will hurt for him to know, but if he insists, tell him and be fully truthfull. He has no idea what you did. In his mind, it was like the filthiest, nastiest porn sex and will not think otherwise until he knows the real details.

It is a hard thing to overcome and will take months. Yes, it will hurt him to know the details of the A, but once he does, it will start the healing. Trust me, if he feels he doesn't know everything, it will constantly come up with questions. If you spill the beans, get it ALL out, then he will have less to ask about and will be able to put it behind him sooner. Otherwise, expect to be constantly questioned about what you did.

hmmmm.....Lets assume this affair was only about sex and had no emotion, would you had even confess to your husband about the affair?

When it comes to an affair and what needs to be known imho is whether or no the affair was physical in that there were sex acts performed and whether or not it was also an emotional affair. Those two things imho have to be known when it comes to recovery. What details that have to be voluntary are where and what time it happend, in some cases how much money was spent, how many times you had sex, etc.

I get what you are saying in that when revealing more details about an affair you run the risk of causing more pain. How ever though in order for wounds to be healed they have to be known.

What I get from that one paragraph is that you would rather confess to an emotional affair over a purely physical affair any day of the week/year. I think you don't want to confess to the physical affair because of the shame that would come with it, not so much guilt but the shame.

For example sometimes the reason why women, who are having sexual affairs, will do sexual techniques with their om's but not with their husbands is because they don't care what the om thinks of them when doing those acts yet they care about what their husbands think of them when doing those acts.

What I'm getting at is that I think you are deathly afraid of the shame of a physical affair, your afraid that he would look at you with complete disgust as if you are the most "dirty" woman in the world. That he would not want to make love to you because he finds you "dirty".

I get the feeling that you don't want to confess to the physical part of it because it relieves the shame and guilt that comes with it if you don't, or it atleast hides the shame or comforts you as long as you don't confess to that part of the affair. Which is also why you want him to assume that he knows about the sex so that you don't have to confess to it.

So what do I see in that paragraph, I see a woman that is running from shame.

Am I wrong?

And I would agree, I see a woman running. The truth and it's consequences are scary things.

I have often wondered about this...for the people that are sooo secretive about the affairs, that even upon trying to recover are trying to keep it secret, how they 'handle' it themselves. The fog, you know, just doesn't seem to be so thick. At least for the people that are openly doing it, they can 'live' the fog, for those that are keeping it a secret, and then try to hold on to the secret even when the affair is dead... it says to me, I never intended to leave... and things weren't as bad as I tried to make myself believe. I was just selfish, and I know it.

2Crazy, I'm sorry you find yourself in this spot. I think for those that know me, I'm not the softest worded person in the boards. I know some find me downright offensive. However, it doesn't change the fact that I've been here for almost 3 years now, and have a 'recovered' marriage. My wife was the wayward one. Your husband is yours, I can't claim to know him or understand how he will react to different things... but you go on and keep lying to yourself and to him, YES OMITTING THE TRUTH IS DECEPTION AND LYING. I don't see why this is so hard for people. You keep telling yourself your not telling him to protect him. You keep telling yourself your not telling the OM's wife to protect her. Go ahead, those same lies will be what ends your marriage.

You see, with a pair of people committed to being honest and helping each other, they can recover their marriage. However, when you have someone that wants to keep on lying, and decieving, to protect themselves and their OP, that is what does the marriage in.

I was so impressed by some of the things you said on the first page of this thread, and now, I sit here and say wow. But, such is withdrawl, and such is the fear that we let it control us so much. You know why you don't want to tell your husband the truth, it's the reason none of the WS want to admit it. It gives your spouse biblical grounds to leave you. Your afraid he just might do it (which supports my belief on the issue about many of the WS never intend to actually leave)...

-hang in there

2Crazy,

My FWW met her OM on the internet..in a chat room. Emailed each other, then started calling each other and then finally met. He lives in Phoenix, we live in SoCal.

He would fly into town, maybe once a month, get a room at the Best Western and she would meet him for that "normal" stuff you speak of. She did say on one visit they didn't even HAVE sex!

She would then run home to be there when I came home from work. (she didn't work)

THIS WENT ON FOR TWO (2) YEARS!!!
I HAD NO CLUE!!

Until I found some emails...one from him bragging about finding her G spot.

He was her soul mate!! He knew her better than she knew herself! (Dday was 05/2004)

SHE NOW GETS PHYSICALLY ILL WHEN SHE THINKS ABOUT HIM AND THEIR "SEXUAL HOLIDAYS". She hates the guy, hates thinking about the guy, and CANNOT BELIEVE THAT WAS HER back then.

Anyway, maybe think about this post when you are feeling that pull of the addiction. Hope it will help.

The internet chat rooms are the devil's playground.

So what excuse does your OM have for cruising the internet?

What excuse do YOU have?

We are still together, by the way. Happy and recovering.

krk

For Noliving & Rook

Not "confessing" about the sex, had nothing to do with shame...I am not ashamed of anything I did with the OM, however, I am sorry that my selfish actions, hurt those around me, and the OMW as well. I don't know her personally, only know of her. Through his eyes of course.

Am I afraid that my husband will see me differently? absolutely! until now he had been the only man I had been intimate with. We met when I was in high school...he was in college...(we met at church - had known each other for a few years prior to "dating")

When he first found out about the A he asked about sex with the OM....Of course I said "no"..(you know that denial thing)Maybe what I am most afraid of..is going BACK to step 1 AGAIN!....I have put him on that step a few times through this process...and I don't think he could go there again...

We both are trying to work from here to make our marraige strong..and not let anyone else in again....we have good days, and "tough" days...For him, I know it is thinking about me leaving...he always asks me to stay....I always thank him for staying....I am sure he has a tough time trusting without suffocating..I re-assure often.

Today is one of those tough days...the "yo-yo" feeling...this is the longest I have gone in a year and 1/2 without talking to.. or seeing.. the OM, 17 days of NC..and it is not getting easier..it is getting tougher...
but, I am fighting to stay the course...and posting here...and reading here...seems to be the voice of reasoning, that I follow....

Thanks all..and have a good day!

Oh..P.S. to krusht....
Thank you...and I have days where I hate the OM as well...so I try to keep that feeling so it becomes the ONLY emotion I have when thinking of him....I am glad to know that you are "recovered & happy"...it is good to know that marriages can be saved..... Thanks!

This may sound weird....but I think your husband deserves the right to think about leaving YOU instead of living in fear that you'll maybe leave HIM. You get a choice....because you know the whole truth. He believes you've only flirted/become emotionally attached to someone....it's your way of retaining more power and having less accountability. Come clean crazy2....until you do....your marriage will be "dirty" with dishonesty and you won't reach a real recovery.

Well, unfortunately you are not even at STEP 1 yet if you are still lying to him, 2crazy. You cannot recover your marriage based on deceit. This is pertinent information that he has a RIGHT TO KNOW. Every day that you don't tell him is another day you LIE to him. When he finds out he will look back and remember it that way. So don't compound the crime by adding more lies that accumlate daily, tell him NOW.

Not only that, but he has to get STD testing and so does the OMW. They both have a right to know the FULL TRUTH, 2crazy. Anything less is a fraud perpetuated on them both.

If you want to make this easier in the long run for yourself, your H and your marriage, I would suggest sitting your H down NOW and getting it ALL OUT in one fell swoop and getting it over with. He can recover from one HUGE blow better than he can recover from a drib and drab of blows as he drags the truth out bit by bit over the months and years. Every new little tidbit he drags out will put you BOTH back to day 1. And be assured he will get it out one way or the other. It will be much better for your marriage if you just do the honest thing and tell him.

2crazy...

Another thing that you are doing when you refuse to tell your husband the entire truth, is that you are also robbing yourself of the true intimacy that a marriage is suppose to have...It is an amazing feeling to have someone love you warts and all, and you will not have the chance to have that until you are honest...Turn it around here, put yourself in your husband's shoes...You would want to know wouldn't you? You say that you regret hurting him...when you continue to lie by omission you are continuing to hurt him...It's like a bandaid 2crazy, when you pull it off slowly it hurts even more...The way to begin regaining your integrity is to stop hurting him by telling him this information that he has every right to know...he won't heal without it and that is cruel! Will you do this 2crazy?

Mrs. W

Did you really post this?


I sit here, read that, and say, GRRRR. Please now, take that attitude to your husband, and convey that to him. Let him know how you aren't ashamed of your actions of having sex with another man. I sure hope you feel a bit differently about this very soon.

WOW, I must have glossed over that. That is a very scary statement that your H needs to KNOW, 2crazy, as much as he needs to know that you slept with this married man.

2crazy..

YOU are doing very well...

17 days of NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am extremely proud of you..........
extremely....

I know it is hard ...very very hard...

think about the damage that contact now would cause....

the turmoil of emotions
the re-escalation of hanging way too much on words....

back down in to the pit.....

17 days......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
make it 18...
make it 19
make it 20


you need time to mourn....
time to adjust to re-aligning your thought processes...

I believe that each day even though you feel weak..you are really growing stronger...
AND
that you will come to realize the value and INTIMACY you desire to share with your husband...
can and will come through this process...

this is MARRIAGE BUILDERS....

long term goal is for you and your husband to establish that bond in which NO ONE else ever comes first...
where each lives to ease the burdon of the other..
FREELY and in ALL contexts....

you are on the path.....
you are doing great....

hold steadfast....

I know I sound like some foo-foo cheer-leader...
but 17 plus days of no contact....
is an awesome thing.......
and it is a start...

keep building
minute by minute...

you will not be the same person next month you are today...

ARK