2crazy -

I think its good you are here trying to work on things. Hopefully some of my comments don't seem too harsh.


If your not ashamed of what you did, stand up and be counted. Go to your H, your friends, your family and say "I slept with OM, committed adultry, violated my M vows, etc, and here's why I did it, and I believe I was right". These two statements, (I'm not ashamed, but I'm going to keep it a secret) are a paradox. They can't both be true.


Statement 1, I'm not telling my H because I'm protecting my feelings. Statement 2, I'm not telling my H because I'm protecting his feelings.

Okay, so here's the logic, "I'm not ashamed of what I did" However, I'm not going to tell anyone about it because 1, they will look at me differently and 2 they won't be able to handle it. This just does not hang. If what you did is not shameful, why are you worried about how they look at you? Why are you worried if they can handle it?


Why do you think there is a yo-yo feeling? Do you think it is really about the OM? I think it has more to do with the paradox in your heart and mind. In the end, this paradox will destroy you. This paradox will catch up with you one way or another and you have to address it. Either you are ashamed and don't want to admit it, or you believe what you did is right and you should tell everyone.

The attraction to the OM is the appeal of procrastination. If your with him, you can avoid addressing these things. Too many stories on this board about how avoiding things just causes more problems

The biggest characteristic I've seen behind WS who become FWS and start to recover their M, is some shame. It hits some of them like a bolt of lightening, but once they accept it, NC seems to be a breeze and they start to recover. They finally get that they made a mistake, they are ashamed of it, and they lean on their S to get over that shame. Its at this point that intimacy can start.

Finally, I think another poster alluded to this. But one of the biggest injustices of an A is denying your S the freedom to chose. Do you really want a "recovered" M where your S is committed to your carefully crafted image or to the real you?

Hi 2crazy,

I have been gone since last wed. I'm very glad to see you still posting. I'm glad to see the variety of responses. I hope you are reading each and every one very carefully.

I think in time you will come to find the need to be 100% honest. It took me a very long time. I really hope you don't take as long as me, i lost 7 months of recovery time because of it.

you did not answer my question from last week....

did you block his email address yet?

2crazy
I’m following your story I can’t give you any insight but I’m glad you are here
And I wish you the best.

2C,

""I am not ashamed of anything I did with the OM,""

Not yet!!! You are still waayyy in the fog and going through your withdrawal. That is why it is so difficult not to speak to him or see him. Your endorphins and pheremones are screaming for a fix!!

Hold on to your NC...it will soon get better and easier.

You are not ashamed of anything you did with the OM but still..""he asked about sex with the OM....Of course I said "no"..""

Of course you did!

We hope that OM used a condom during these unshameful occasions.

I can't help but wonder how many other hotties this 50 something player has been with in the past. Ever thought of that? Ever thought about getting an exam for STDs?

Tell us how you met on the computer. In a chat room? This may help you start feeling a little shame about the things you did with OM, which then will make NC much easier for you.

krk

2C,

Hehe, you never knew your name was gonna get twisted did ya?! I just wanted to point out, as much as I'm frustrated with some of your statements, that is also the BH in me screaming out, (I would like to say that it is also the educated MB poster in me too!) ... but I am proud of your attempt at recovery. You are doing a good thing by turning your back to this guy.

I'm sure some of the FWW's here can give you some solid advice on breaking free. I can tell you this, if you liken it to smoking, really the only thing that did it for me was to finally choose being done with it. I did use a patch to start...maybe you should too? Maybe you should let your husband be your patch. Let him help you find your way through the tough time. You might be even more amazed about what an incredible man your husband really is...? (the flip side of that is that is also might make your [shame] even stronger when it does come <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )

Anyways, good job on NC. Keep it up.

-hang in there

2C,

I wanted to say that I forget to congratulate you on what you have achieved so far!! Good for you! I do hope eventually that you're able to make a clean break and re-establish true honesty in your marriage....but I'm very glad that you've stuck it out here. Don't you give up!!

Okay T2H

I block his e-mail address today!...I actually did it!...reading through responses again this morning, before I have to leave for the day....

Some hit ya like a ton of bricks...thanks Rook!

Others make me squirm because they make me consider thinkgs I haven't yet....but thanks for those thoughts as well...those are judt the uncomfortable ones....

One feeling at a time..one day at a time...

Oh!...

and thanks to all of you who continue to follow, post, and help...when I am feeling dazed and confused, or need a quick reminder...

I read here...helps me clear the way...and keep my H in the front of my mind!..

good job 2crazy, keep it up!!

2C,

""I block his e-mail address today!...I actually did it!""

THAT IS VERY, VERY AWESOME!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

HI 2CRAZY

how are you doing this morning?

Tony.

20 DAYS OF NC AND COUNTING!!!!

Still feel as though I am wading through the muck and fog...although not as heavy today...

Tough part is dealing with BH bad days...when I am having a good day...but trudging through just the same....

Hopefully we will get some quet time this weekend, and be able to talk about what is "hanging" in the air..what's not being said....

The road ahead is long...but it is one I am willing to take...I do love the man that stands before me...that has accepted me horrible behavior and all. I will spend the rest of my life making this right.

And to those who went "GRRR"...in one of my resent posts...I am ashamed of my actions, that is why it is soooo hard to speak the truth to my BH. I know he will see me differently, no man or women wants to think of their spouse intimately involved with someone else...but as others have mentioned, it needs to be his choice, to stay. Knowing all the details, he needs to choose as well.

And yet, with the light bulb going "on" ..I am still working through the feelings of angst, wondering why the OM never tried to contact me...did I really mean so litte? How could I have not seen this realtionship for what it was?.....

I hope that soon, all these thoughts will stop jumping through my brain at the same time...and leave me with some peace..or at least some "down time"....

Great day to all!!!

may God grant you a thousand light-bulb moments in the following months

Pep

2Crazy
I have not posted before, but I have followed this thread. Way to go!! Keep up the good work. We are all pulling for you and your M
M2L

Just try to remember, there is timing, and there is stalling. Don't wait too long, or you will worsen the damage.

-hang in there

2C,

""Hopefully we will get some quet time this weekend, and be able to talk about what is "hanging" in the air..what's not being said....""

Ya know, a great place to have these discussions is in front of a good marriage counseler, as in PRO-marriage counseler.

The MC can lead the discussions down the most productive paths and steer it away from any unhealthy dialogue.

krk

2Crazy,

I am a new poster here and I have to tell you that I wish you were my WH! I would so love to see him saying/doing what you are, but alas I doubt that he will ever come here. He's not 'into' computers.

That aside, congratulations on your personal day to day success. I have a tough time reading your story since I am the wife who was betrayed. WH first told me he had a ONS out of guilt and shame - to ease his soul? Perhaps. To justify his actions? Who knows why, but it sent me into a complete mental and emotional breakdown! I was almost hospitalized and was out of work on medical leave for 2 MONTHS! I never saw it coming! I am still in IC and on anti-anxeity and antidep meds.

I discovered the affair through my own investigation 8 months later and confronted him AND contacted her! I did this because I did not trust my WH to tell her that I knew! He was livid!!! How could I do that to HER. Yes.... he justified her over me! Slowly, due to my crying, screaming, anger, hurt, silence, whatever.... he revealed details. The more he told, the more I needed to hear. We discussed almost nothing except the details of his affair for close to 2 weeks! I had information overload! I was sick to my stomach. How could he do this to me... with HER??? To our family and kids.... with HER? What type of pond scum would get involved with a M man?????

I am NOT calling you pond scum. Please note that this name is solely reserved for 1 individual that has intruded upon MY LIFE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I've learned so much here by reading this forum and have become a better person by learning from the very wise people that have travelled these he!!ish roads before and continue to travel them daily with us! I so wish there was no need for a forum like this to even exist, but life is what it is.

What I'm trying to tell you is PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU to PLEASE be totally honest with your BH!!!! Neither of you will ever fully heal from this if there are any secrets. If he asks for details, give them honestly. If he doesn't want to know he will tell you. Some people really don't want to know. I needed waaaaaaaay to much info.

And please, for the sake of your FOM's wife's sanity, TELL HER! I am her and plead for her. She needs to know the life her H is leading. If she has no clue, she may crash like I did. If she has suspicions, then she will be able to make decisions based upon knowledge not on wondering, suspicion, lies and deception.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it comes deep from my heart.

just popping in to say hi. i'm glad to see you are sticking with NC!

Hey Scampi,

Thanks for sharing your story and your views. I hope that your husband will come around, I wasn't exactly ready to jump off the fence at first..or stop having my cake either...I would say most WS enjoy having the "best of both"...As "harsh" as it may seem to those who are the BS, those of us who were/are the wayward ones, are not always thinking clearly, and when we are with the OP we are not thinking of "home"..you can't...you don't...instead you build two lives...you justify your actions...and you keep trying to balance the two...it is not until we are confronted that choices have to be made.

Steering your way through the choices is difficult. I have clear days and foggy days. They come & go. My BH has days when all is well in the world, and days when he questions everything. In my case, my FBH DOES NOT WANT TO KNOW ANY DETAILS, all he wants to know is that it is OVER...and that I am fully committed to HIM and to our marriage, that there is NC..nothing...ever again.

One thing that has helped my FBH is information from this site. I believe it helps him realize that he is not alone in this struggle, that all the feelings he has are normal reactions. It has ben helpful, for him to know that HE is on the right track, and is working his plan. He does not get on the computer either..and so I print many posts and other informationfor him. I have also given him the website address..just in case..he cares to look...

As for being "pond scum"..no offense taken. I have acted like scum..but I am not a hurtful person by nature. I have done some very hurtful things, and acted in a hurtful way.
As for telling the OMW ...I can't do that...I am resloved to NC with him...with that part of my past life...what he chooses to do, or not do, is his choice. I have choosen to stay in my marriage, work hard every day at earning my FBH trust and respect back.

Take heart, fight for what you know you want, help him see his way through the fog, and encourage him to come back to you.

HI 2crazy.

I’m following your story thank you for sharing it, I’m glad you made a good choice,
I’m reading your post with tears in my eyes, strange from a man that could never cry

Little things make me cry these days, nothing fazed me before, this is by far the most devastating blow in my whole life, having the person that you trust the most betray you like that, and keep in mind, in this case of infidelity IMO The only person that could help you heal is the one that betrayed you, strange but true at least for me, getting my wife back is all what I need right now.

I need to ask you what made you decide to stop the A?
Is it something that your BH did or said, or it was just your decision?
I mean you where involved for 3 years, that’s a long time.

Now my wife found my posts and I know she is reading them so if you could say something to her directly in your reply it might help, actually if you can say something
To all WW’s it might help a lot’s of people, here.

Tony is my real name; let’s pretend my WW’s name is Rain. She likes that name.

Tony.