Tony,

I hope, that through my rambling, and often times, insane babbling, that you and other BS’s can catch a glimpse of what goes on inside the WS’s mind; that the feelings of confusion, pain, and conflict, are as real to us as what BS’s go through.

Let me clear something:
The A was a little over 15 months (not 3 years)…

You asked why or what made me stop???

Even before my husband began suspecting, and uncovering untruths and details…I would battle in my head with “Right & Wrong”…however, the pull and the desire to be with the OM was stronger, than the desire to work on my marriage. When my H began “proving” he knew I was having an A, the struggle to end it became more clear. Scared & nervous, I was still talking with and seeing the OM, of course we became more cautious, but it also became clearer that we were both beginning to think about the consequences. We would often say that ending it now would hurt the two of us, continuing would hurt many more...

The 3rd discovery day....hit me the hardest ..it was simply the look of pain, and disappointment on my H face.
He had thought the A was over, again, and it was at that moment that I knew I had to make a choice, that he could not take anymore of the roller coaster ride…

It is not easy, it is a constant struggle. When I am feeling like all I want to do is run, e-mail, or call the OM. I remember that look on my H face. I think about all of the positive steps we are making. I read here, and listen to the pain of other BS’s and WS's and I try to picture the OMW. She does have a name and a face.

It is also knowing that my H loves me enough, and is committed to this marriage enough, to endure this sometimes painful, and sometimes wonderful battle. I look at my children, family & friends, and know that this is where I should be. So I fight everyday to stay here with him, and rebuild this marriage.

I am sure for every WS it is a different “light” that goes on. The important part is to get that light to turn on and stay on….

I hope that if Rain is reading this, it will help in some way for her to see that her BH loves her deeply, and loves her enough to endure his pain as well as hers.

Thanks… this helped me today as well, I was feeling as though I was once again on the edge…ready to cross over and make that contact….now I am reminded why I won’t!!!
23 days of NC!!!!!!

You wrote"When he first found out about the A he asked about sex with the OM....Of course I said "no"..""

I think he nows, i mean nobody hangs out the way you two did in secrecy with out sex, You are playing with fire girl..The truth always comes out

You wrote"It is also knowing that my H loves me enough, and is committed to this marriage enough, to endure this sometimes painful, and sometimes wonderful battle""

Whats so womderful battle for your husband do you think it is for him??? Quite crul statement if you ask me..You got the best of both worlds ,and am sure you enjoying this wooing from your husband.. BUT YOU NOW WHAT; YOUR STILL CHEATING!! yeas you are by not telling him the truth ,and you are also robbing him of his right to choose to reconcile or not..You also wrote you are not a shame of anyt´hing you did with OM , So why not come clean then...Selfish as always.

You wrote"Am I afraid that my husband will see me differently"" Poor little you.. Shame on you

Marcus,

I suggest you read a little more…as I do everyday…I have been posting my thoughts and emotions day to day.

I know that you see me as “selfish”…however, I care very much about my husband and how he feels, and what this is doing to him. If I didn’t, it would have been easier to walk away!

My statements may seem selfish to you, and since I am still making my way out of the fog, I may not always be of “sound judgement.” I would offer to you the opportunity to read a very active and engaging post started by KiwiJ..titled

“What Harley KNOWS and KiwiJ’s comments”

what I am trying to convey to you and others, is that although I know "total honesty" is needed, so that he can have entire understanding, the way I do, to me…to make my H endure more pain is just not necessary.

Wait.....

Let me put my helmet on...It is about to rain holy curses from BS's everywhere!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

2C,

No curses, holy or otherwise here...just a question...

When you read Jen's statement...and related to it...did you see where she was talking about the reason for not disclosing all...her motivation...and her action was to disclose, in spite of?

Because you are hurting your BH more with each day that passes and he doesn't know...from your mouth. Marcus is telling you he does...and BH struggles with the deep pain of doubting himself, knowing and not knowing, and not trusting you (which is painful) to not tell him...he's in added pain from your own withholding.

I respect your time, your way, your choice. Your life and marriage. Know that your foggy reasoning is foggy...you cannot know how terrible his pain is already, to judge him in more from knowing the truth.

LA

Let me say again...I know that I NEED/SHOULD tell all to my H. And as many suggested here, I should have when he first asked about it, however at the time, I was still in the A. I was pacifing my H by telling him it was over, when infact it wasn't. I was protecting the OM instead of my M.

Of course, my H eventually discovered this...by finding
e-mails, and uncovering recent phone calls. I sent the NC letter on the 14th..

I know that I have to tell him, I know there will not be an "approprate time"...but I need to find away to do so without inflicting more pain....

And let me say again that you have no control over not inflicting more pain on your BH.

You don't. You don't seem to hear everyone telling you this. No SHOULD/WOULD/COULD stuff. Unyielding fact. This is me pointing out to you a rationalization, much like the ones you had before. You are fighting foggy thinking...we're supporting you in your fight...I'm not attacking you...this idea that you control your BH's pain is disrespectful and harmful to your marriage. Respect him his own pain and KNOW you don't know it's depth through your continuing deception.

You may be alleviating a lot of his pain by coming clean.

You don't know.

We don't know.

This is a huge step toward going from a WW to a FWW...taking our consequences, making our intent pure for truth, and injecting respect. No shortcuts...

I know what it is to take the punch, the stab, over and over again, 2crazy...finding out about the EA...then discovering a motel receipt..asking...him not answering...saying he wouldn't answer that (he was living out of town and in my BS fog, I reasoned he got it from working late one night)...not knowing for three months until he answered all the questions...

It's like PTSD over and over again. Stringing it out hurts, inhibits and postpones recovery...if not, in some cases, stops it altogether. I'd rather had all the punches in a row...that's kindness, respectful and honest...what you haven't been for a 15 months...until you are, you won't begin recoverying...yourself or your marriage.

When you do tell your BH...he will look you straight in the eye and say, "You must think me weak, putrid and sniveling to protect me from the truth? Are you my mother or my partner?"

Okay, so he won't say that...I hope...but I pray this will convey to you how you are actively, consciously disrespecting, thinking less of him, looking down on him...when he's taken huge pain and chose to stay.

He can handle it. Until he has all the information, he cannot make an informed choice about continuing the marriage or not, can he?

LA

My 2 Cents. It is condescending. I am a BS in the fog and these posts help me see the pain and suffering everyone is feeling.

Question:

Did your H stick by you and decide to work on your M? Even though his friends and family: said to send you packing, called you every name in the book (all meaning the same thing), tell him he is a fool for allowing you to "use" him, get a divorce, that you're not worthy of him, that he could get someone who WILL love him, that you are just waiting for the "next best thing," that you're selfish, that you don't care about anyone?

Understand that just the pressure of trying to TRUST YOU and deal with all that is being said ABOUT you by his friends and family, is a HUGE burden.

I know these things, because I hear them DAILY about my WS.
Your M should have total respect. Read again, SAA, if you haven't. ESPECIALLY "Sue's" statements at the end. It should clarify. But you have to be HONEST with him. What is marriage without, respect and honesty.

Right now, your respect for him is low, but not as low as it was once. Keep building your respect for him by admiring the things he does for both of you, even if it seems simple. Heck, admire him for having the strength to stick it out this long, despite a 15 month A.

Read SAA though. I'm hoping it is going to save my M.

Good luck, and count today as the 1st day of the rest of your lives together.

Hi 2 crazy

I don’t know where I got the 3 years from, sorry I am in the fog too.

Thanks for the reply and listen to Loving anyway (LA).
She is the reason I am able to fight for my M and endure the pain, I hope my WW reads
This I don’t know what will be the trigger for her, but I sure hope it’s going to be soon.

I’m glad I could help at least this time to keep you from contacting the OM.

Think about it this way you are doing this for every BS here on this board,
We are watching, reading, keeping an eye on your progress, you are our inspiration our hope, keep posting, keep reading, keep learning.

Good luck.

Tony.

2 crazy

I was harsh to you for a pupose,My EX wife did the same as you are doing now. The story is quit similar,with the difrence it only lasted 5 months.She also said that it wasent any sex invalved. ANd i came to find out a 1 year laiter that is was sex to,Twice a week..And that hurted more than you now,hence we are divorced now.In case you wonder a frendley soul told me and she came clean..And begging for another chance..Thats not gonna happen in my case. Her laying was the worst,and no mather the excuses she had couldent solv our fals recovery for a year...

So please if you are serius about your Marriage, please come clean ASAP..The truth as an ugly way tom come forward dippending how you se it .I might ad that i really hate my EX now..

She still pleads 6months laiter after DD 2 for another chance..Not gonna happen bydayway

Morning to all....

I have listened to the many stories,and the one thing I hear repeadily from everyone, BS & WS alike, is HONESTY..HONESTY...HONESTY...well I am here to tell you that Honesty sucks!....

I told my H everything last night, he had been reading some of the material from the website..SAA...and was talking about honesty...I guess my silence was the "in" the converstaion needed. It was there in the silence, that I found the courage to tell him. All the details..the length of time...that it became a PA....and that there has been NC for 24 days....Inside I am ashamed, crushed, and numb, as I tell him these words, and see the look on his face. I am trying to celebrate the fact that I have accomplished NC for this long, and at the same time I have ruined the man I love...

I don't know where this will take us. Telling him the truth, was horrible, I am sure it was even more devastaing for him to hear, especially since he was under the illusion that it had ended months ago....

"the truth shall set you free?" ****** the truth sucks!

All I can hope for now, is that he will come home at the end of the day, and we can begin real recovery. If that is what he still wants....

Hanging on by a thread....but at least still hanging on!

Oh, 2C...congratulations!! 24 full days and total honesty...you're being brave and true for your marriage...and yes, whatever happens, you are changing yourself.

You.

What inspiring and uplifting news...doing something extremely difficult, seeing his face...fully aware and doing it anyway. Thank you for sharing (with us and your BH).

Stay in NC today as you wait...don't reach for that drug...

In your corner,

LA

Im proud of you girl:)
Im glad you dident go down the same path my EXWW choose
You two will be fine ,with time.

I really could use some advice from the "wise-sages" of the boards...

How much info is too much info? How do I help or shield him from the pain of my answers..??? What do I say..or do? I am afraid to do nothing...afraid that I will become distant again..the wall will go up...and i will reach for that fix..

Godspeed to you 2crazy on this part of your journey....

what you can do is let your husand lead in you in what he feels he 'needs to know'...

ARK^^

Hi 2crazy,

ok, what you have just done was really really hard and i know what you mean by it "sucks" but...

answer me this,...

do you feel about the fact that you were honest?

focus on this specific question. I know you are having lots of various feelins right now but focus in on the question and tell me how you feel about that. ok?

i'll be back after seeing your answer.

Please excuse me... I'm not a wise-sage... but I think you may consider letting your husband decide how much he wants to know? Don't be distant- keep talking to him- just answer all his questions with the whole truth. Ask him what you can do to help him get through this. Does that makes sense?

I'm sure the wise ones will help you too. Good luck. I'm glad you told him.

Hi (((((2crazy))))).

This was the bravest thing you have ever made, know that you did the right thing,
No matter what the outcome is going to be, you are doing this for yourself.

I’m soooooooooo proud of you.

Keep posting please.

AND BE PROUD OF YOURSELF.

TONY.

FLT2H

I feel awful, that I have kicked him again. He would often ask me if there were anymore surprise coming..well surprise! Here comes the truth!...

I feel horrible that I have hurt him yet again) scared ,(that I have hurt him so deeply he will leave) and yet releived that he knows the full truth.

It is out there on the table. I guess I can only hope & pray that the next move will be to recovery and not out the door....

He is going to ask for a lot of details...it is the way he is...he will ask...how and when..who is better...yadda yadda...yadda...

How do I not make this worse?