"How do I not make this worse?"

By being completely honest in your answers to his questions. You can do this!

Congratulations 2C! You did a very honorable thing! As a BS I know what he is feeling. His mind is reeling with thoughts and he doesn't even know what to ask first. He might just blurt out one question, that will lead to another, and yet, another, and the 2 of you could be up talking till 4:00am! Yup, that happened to us.

I had to bite my tongue and be be very patient so that he felt comfortable answering. If I started to sound angry or upset he would back off.

It's very hard for US to hold in our emotions when we hear the truth. And after hearing the truth, we always wonder if we really ever hear truths again, or are they 1/2 truths or even outright lies. Trust flies out the window. It's very hard and you will have to endure watching his pain.

You should see if he would be willing to read SAA. It helped my tremendously!

Hand in there 2C!!!!! Each day filled with honesty will make you feel better!

2crazy,

i understand.

i had 2 major d-days in my scenerio. it took me 7 months from d-day 1 to d-day 2. and the missing info in my case was HUGE. we are talking about...

d-day 1 - had an PA with someone i met from internet

to

d-day 2 - had an PA while engaged with fellow college student, after about 5 yrs of marraige with co-worker and the more recent stuff was not just 1 person from the internet but several and then also with a good friend of his.

my story is really really nasty.

but we are recovering.

and YOU BEING HONEST is the thing that can help you recover too.

you really have to believe in that and take pride in the fact.

i know it seems unfair to feel anything positive considering how much he is hurting but allow yourself to feel proud of yourself. OK?

i am always humbled by the amount of BSs that post support to us FWS...

The double edged-sword of truth:

Feeling like S*** because of what I have done, and the damage I have caused, and of what could yet come...

Feeling proud of what I have accomplished thus far, being able to speak the truth, even when knowing it would cut him deep. Staying the distance and keeping the NC "intact"...

How can I begin to ask him to understand, that I too am in pain...yet rejoicing?

I will follow his lead, and answer his questions honestly. Although the answers may be painful for him to hear, I will trust that it is the best way.

Thank you..thank you..to all who help guide, and become the "voice of reasoning" for those of us in the depths of the fog....

I am making my way up out of the fog....think it is stuck around my ankles!!!

hang in there 2crazy. my prayers are with you and your DH.

i'm here if there is anything i can do.

2crazy,

Here's the deal, from a BH. I'm almost 3 years into recovery.... and yet, I still don't feel my fww has ever sympathized with MY pain. I know you feel a ton of pain over losing your OM. I know you feel a great amount of sacrifice in 'giving him up'. I know you feel shame over betraying your husband. I know you feel sad over hurting your husband. BUT, what would have meant the most to me, back then, and still today, is my wife talking to me about my pain. Acknowledging that it must have been very hard, to swallow down the pride, and stick it out in the face of adversity. I really haven't ever gotten much of a thank you, aside from bday cards and anniversary cards, for being here.

I'm not looking for groveling. I'm looking for acknowledgement that to stick out the pain, it was hella hard, and that it was appreciated. It's no stinkin picnic for a BS to stick out the absolute CRAP time emotions of a FWS going through withdrawl. It might suck as much as being in the actual affair times. You sit there and think about your FWS sitting beside you, looking ill, gaunt faced, ashen, dull eyes...and she is sitting there thinking about how much she misses the OM while you are there, grinding out the work...the kids...the mortgage.

Finally, advice for your husband. When you have a question that comes to mind, slow down with it. Write it down. Come back to it tomorrow. If it is still a big deal tomorrow, evaluate that question for possible answers. What is it gonna do for you, what will it satisfy in the department of need to know. I would look at those questions, and put them in my wallet, or my journal, and revisit them in 3 months or 6 months, depending upon the damage the question could do to myself and my recovery. If I found them still important after that decent amount of time, I asked the question.

Guess what, I didn't ask any questions. In the end, all I really needed to know was that she had sex. Of course it was good. Of course it was fun. Of course it was exciting. Those things are no brainers. To lie about it would be to insult the person that asked the questions. The where's, the when's, the how often's? Those are the ones you might not be able to get away from. You may find that some places you used to love to visit, are now forever banned by him. Something as simple as a restaurant that you may have loved, even before the affair, it might trigger him, and so, he says no, never again will I give that place a penny of mine or my families.

Let him know you messed up. Let him know that you said things that you wish you could change, but can't. All you can do is try to show him you meant better for him than you gave him this past 1.5 years. Let him know you want to be a better wife to him. Then SHOW him that. Finally, find a way to admire him. If you don't, he will leave. Eventually, you will lose him, because he will need to feel his wife admiring him at some point.

And, I am extremely proud of you. It was a scary scary scary thing to admit the truth. But, you can not deny, it does set you free. No longer are you prey to any threats from the OM of telling your husband. No longer are you prey to Satans lies about your being honest with your husband. You have that now. You have given him the power to demonstrate his love for you, to show you what a deep love he has. I guess, now, pray for him. Pray for strength for your husband to fight past the pain, and to soften his heart to you. I'm quite sure, it is quite like a rock right now.

-hang in there

2C,

I am sure you feel that great weight lifted from your shoulders, now that all the secrets are out in the open.

When he says "any more surprises?" You can honestly say NO THAT'S IT!

Again, let me recommend you both sitting down with a pro-marriage marriage counseler quickly!!

There are also different ways to deal with your H's questions...like he can only ask 2 questions a day; or he writes the questions down and puts them all in a box. You take one out at a time and answer it, or put it back in if you don't want to answer it at that time and pick another, and answer that one.

He must ask these questions...and you must realize, in order to heal and recover, you must answer them. He may decide real quick that he does not want to get too detailed. Or he may realize he doesn't need to ask any more. But you must stand up straight and tall and answer them honestly.

As he asks these questions, he MUST remain calm and collected. No love busters or screaming, yelling, or foaming at the mouth. That is totally part of the deal. If he starts going off, you simply stop the discussion and advise him, that you will continue at a later date when he is recovered.

Look at it as part of your penance. Also as you honestly tell him all the secrets, the total A will become more tainted and shameful to you...which in turn will make NC that much more easier.

It is a painful thing for both parties, but you both can come through this stronger and actually closer.

As has been said here before, though, concentrate on HIS pain for now.

See, you have had these 15 months to adjust yourself to your (if you will) new life. You have become accostomed to your situation and done your rationalizing and defensive thinking to help you live with what you have done.

It is all brand new to him, and honey, you have no idea what he is feeling. It is the worst thing you can imagine. So TRY to empathize with him and hold him and continue to tell him how sorry you are. You prolly can't say that too many times. You can tell him how painful this is for you too, but, to tell you the truth, there is no comparison between the two.

I am not saying that to load the guilt onto you, we know you have enough of that, just trying to bring reality to the front.

You ripped the band-aid off. That was the hardest thing to do. Now the healing and recovery can begin.

You did fine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

krk

Thanks Rook & Krusht...your words






will keep playing in my mind, as we sit in silence,not knowing what to say... as I close my eyes, and bite my tongue, through the "ugly" words...

I have told him, that I am "thankful" that he loves me. thankful that he is man enough to be "strong" and endure the hurt, and patient enough to stay with me through this ordeal. I tell him that all I can offer is my honesty, and reassure him that I will become the wife he needs, one who is commited to only him...that if I could take the pain away I would. we hug, and hold on to each other alot right now...it feels wonderful to be enveloped inside the arms of someone who loves you unconditionally.

I would have never guessed..that he would or could love me this much. It is a gift and one I am greatful to receive.

I had let the "fear" of the truth, paralyze my judgement. I let the fantasy of the OM cloud my vision. After all that happened so easily, so "naturally"..was so easy to slip away into the fantasy world.

To others who may be in the same "boat"...throw the oars into the water...be brave, be strong, stand up for yourself...and for your marriage...be truthful, no matter what the cost. Who knows you too may receive a "special gift"...in the very least you will be able to stand..unparalyzed by fear...

We are beginning our "REAL" recovery now..the work is yet to begin...I know it will be a long hard journey...but at least we going together....

FLT2H

I will certainly need your prayers, as you know this will be tough, I am sure there will be days, that i will want to run..I am sure if my H decides to contact the OM again or his W..then I will "hear" from him...that will be difficult..but I will have my H with me this time..for strength..no secrets, no hiding....

I am hanging in there..if only by a thread...but so far it has been strong enough!

Have you changed your email and cell number so OM cannot contact you?

LA

2,

I am thinking that things can only get better from here. It is like you are going to begin to climb up the 1st part of the roller coaster. Things are going to be rough and imperfect.

But then, so is life. But remember, once around the track, so to speak, and the roller coaster ends, then you ride the rocket ship which only goes UP!

2C,

""it feels wonderful to be enveloped inside the arms of someone who loves you unconditionally.
I would have never guessed..that he would or could love me this much. It is a gift and one I am greatful to receive.""

Sounds like you've got a very good man there. Knowing how hard he loves you will make you both grow closer.

Don't fudge it up!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

krk

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> KEWL ... another affair bites the dust!

Pep

LA...

changing my e-mail would be a pain..I use it for school..work..and other volunteer activities...I did however BLOCK his e-mail address..so I won't get anything from him...

As for my cell ..he would never call...my H would be able to track that particular item...and the last thing the OM would want is my H at his door!...and since "D-Day" ...I agreed to tell my H "if" OM tries to contact me, in any way...

working our recovery...every minute...every day....

don't forget to

~breathe~

and

~exercise~

and

~have some fun~

Pep

I'm looking for your protection here...no bash.

You can block his numbers on the cell, too, can't you?

I'm really happy you're being transparent, committed...and that you took that huge step to earn your F in FWW...I promise you, it's worth everything...to you.

And your marriage.

Follow Pep's advice, too...reward yourself for each hour of no contact...be it with a bit of self-praise, chocolate or a huge, joyous sigh...

LA

((((((((((2CRAZY))))))))))

this is all I'm going to say.

I wish you where my wife.
Tony

Tony,

My guess is...the battle has just begun.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Besides...you said your WW was here reading..that is a start..I came here looking for guidance too. If she is here looking, she is aware that something needs to change...hopefully she will find courage, and strength while reading among the trials and errs of others here.
Hopefully, she will begin posting (it is therapuetic)..once you begin to type it..say it..read it...you begin to believe it...and know it..nd change it....

Dude,

""((((((((((2CRAZY))))))))))

this is all I'm going to say.

I wish you where my wife.""



Bordering on..."reading this and feeling uncomfortable".

Ya know?