If you see a D before like in your examples DS DD DH it stands for Darling Son Darling Daughter Darling Husband... the numbers you see is the age..

If you just see D-D that is Discovery Day

Just D is Divorce

You keep coming back as often as you need, and never worry about how long your post are..... get it out, heck I write books with my rants and raves!!! Find all the emotional support that you can find, the more the better! And you will find many great people on here with such good hearts.


Ohhhhhh I hear you on that!!! And they always seem to know that you are trying to have a quiet talk and they become all ears...... mention about cleaning their rooms and they go deaf lol


How do you know that? She said so? Or you get some legal papers? If she said that ignore it, now I maybe wrong and it might different from state to state, but I dont see how she can file for CS until after the baby is born.... hmmmm maybe somebody else will know about that.

Like I said ealier, your H needs to stand firm NO CONTACT with her, not even emails...... STOP ALL CONTACT. Your H can send the letter or have the lawyer, send the name of your lawyer and tell her that is the contact number but not to contact until after the baby is born..... is soooo important, this is your time!!!! If the baby is his then you will have alot to deal with, use this time to heal your marriage.... there is noooooo reason for her to have any contact until there is proof, yes there is a WS here who H got proved that he was the F, it does happen. To Bad to sad that she has to go thru the pregnacy alone, she should of thought of that before she slept with a married man!!

I did like that you listened on the other end, he agreed and that is GREAT.... another good sign. And something to remember in the future. If the OC is his and you two decide on contact, that is a rule alot use. After child is proven and vistation is set, a good rule is that all calls must come on the land line, no cell phone calls or work unless a true emergency....you must be presant in the room to listen to his side of the conversation. All calls must be OC only..... If she calls while you are gone, then he must tell you about the call and what was said the minute you return home. But that is for AFTER OC is born and DNA is positive.

You are right to get a lawyer, you can get so screwed if you dont, probably even with one but ..... it can be alot worse.... trust me I know. Dont send her a dime until the courts say so..... make sure everything is legal.


I have asked that myself hundreds of times.... only time will tell..... I see some little things, and you are picking them up too.... he could of realized what he has in front of him is the most important thing in the world to him, he can learn from it or forget about it and go back to his old way, that is his choice and his lost.... there is promises......is he showing remorse.... some ways and slowly I think he might be, is it for real or a act, you know him, only you can tell. Dont rush in any decsion, see if things keep continue to moving forward. Decide how much you are going to be able to tolerate and see what happens.


This is a way to comfort you, so you wont be wondering, good move on his part, cause we do have them awful thought constantly running thru our heads.... every minute they are away from our side in the beginning, heck every once in while it still bothers me.


For me it is a great sign, I notice that too in my hubby, I also noticed that if ran into a female friend he would put his hand on the small of my back or his arm around me, took me a while I also noticed that he never looked them in the eyes anymore. They dont want you to be getting upset about nothing, they know you dont trust them, and it is there way to say honey I am right here with you, it made me feel more secure. And my H admited too that he wanted me close cause he was afraid too, afraid that I would change my mind and leave him. Even after all this time he still stays very close.

Glad to hear that you will have his family to help you with your emotional means, have heard of some nasty stories it can be the other way around.

Keep them heart to heart talk going, they are biggest part of building a sound foundation for this rebuilding. Talk about everything!! The pain, the fear, your hopes, your dreams, the past, the future..... talk talk talk....

Little steps, one day at a time, cant expect anymore then that. Do alot of research on affairs, not to many out there that deals when there is a child born, but there is some, is there also other forums with great people... find as much support and take it slow.

You got a friend right here 24/7

Hugs

You are not scaring anyone away with long posts! You need them. Just put a few paragraph breaks in them. Easier to read!

Wow am I blessed to have found this site and such understanding people. Today was a bit better. H & I did everything together with the kids. He had a dentist appt. and my son and I had eye appts. Then just the usual stuff. I was actually getting nervous because at the eye Dr. it was taking awhile (my exams are difficult) and I know how he usually would rather be somewhere else...well he was fine and I could see it on his face. When I came out of the room my son was playing his game and my daughter was asleep on him. I had a feeling that I hadn't had in awhile. Is this a sign?

He had lots of heart to hearts today (his choice). Am I not going in the right direction if I resist his touch? For our family and our children I want so bad to find peace and believe it could work. If we have hope and it does work what happens in Feb. when OC is born. I don't know that I will be strong enough. Goodnight for now. He actually had the kids camping out in our room and they are waiting... they got to stay up alittle later. I know part of why he did this is so we could be together at night because I won't let him sleep with me. I know he feels that if the kids are in there it won't be like it is just us it will be family. My head is so fogged I probably make no sense. God bless all of my new friends!!!!

(((((devoted mom)))))

--that's a hug, by the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jenny

Hi DM,
I see I'm coming in to the discussion a little late - a couple things struck me about your posts --

First I would highly recommend MB counseling. It's $185 per session, but after 6-8 session Dr. Chalmers had us firmly on track in our recovery; wish we had known about it after the first D-Day instead of after the relapse.

Second, I don't think it sounds like you guys are in firm enough NC. NC is NO Contact - NONE. The OW in our sitch has repeatedly tried to engage us over the past 2 years - first she just needed "closure" with my H, those discussions turned into a full-blown relapse and my FWH did all the same things your H is doing, broken before me & God, went to MY parents and apologized crying etc promised our girls he would never never leave them again -- then a week before Christmas I found the relapse had been going on for weeks/months and she was pg. Which incidentally she (and many OW's) had lied about repeatedly, but this time it was true.

Don't believe anything OW says, don't even put yourself in a situation to KNOW what she says. If you don't talk to her, the lack of information about the pregnancy pales in comparison to the chaos of dealing with OWs. For 7 mos we didn't even know if OW was still pg. We never ever responded to any letter, email, or phone message she sent, and indeed did all we could to change numbers and email addresses. Her correspondence falling into a "black hole" was the only thing that kept her from engaging with us on a daily basis in a horribly chaotic way and gave us the space to heal our marriage. Do not let her suck you and your H into it.

As far as should you resist his touch. This is a hard one, and I thought that was okay, but Melody Lane was quick to correct and say hey, if it's an emotional need of his, you need to start meeting it. When I told Dr. Chalmers he wanted to "resume relations" she said "That would be wonderful!" So... that's my MB answer. Do it on your terms, but really try to make peace with it.

He CAN get thru this but it is not an easy road for him to truly be broken before God, not to relapse... it takes a lot of counseling and communicaton and reflection. He really needs to dig in deep -- the relief of having you know and having the Affair be over feels good to him now - but he needs to shore up the defenses for when that relief starts to pass. Should you stay with him and try to work things out? Probably yes, if his actions are maintained over time. MB counseling will really put you on the quick road to healing and is very positive and proactive. They do not ( in my experience) focus on everything that's gone wrong. It's marriage Coaching - they focus on fixing and preventing those awful feelings, and making your marriage strong by meeting each other's emotional needs and avoiding LoveBusters. It's hard to navigate this recovery, they can give you tools that really help. It cost us less than $1,000 to do it, that was less than the retainer I paid my divorce attorney! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It is a lot of money I realize, but your marriage and children are worth it. Do not try to do this on your own.

You are not alone, you have God, and you have us!

MSA

Here is something that you might want to consider on returning to intamcy...... when you do, the flashes of him with OW is probably going to pop into your head, your emotions will run high, you could be angry, you could cry..... what I did was talk to my H told him that no matter how hard I try those thought do pop into my head, talk to him about it, tell him that you are scared into get back to loving making, that tho you dont want to deal with the emotions that come, they will, and it is natural, to be patience with you. I dont know if they will ever go away, I still get it once in while, but with time it does get farther and farther apart. Let him know to go slow, romance you again, spend plenty of time on foreplay. If he feels you freeze up, slow down and caress you, whisper your name, that right there hearing your name lets you know that he IS thinking of you and not her. If you cry afterwards, to hold you if your angry to wait it out with you, and be ready for it, dont ever roll over and go to asleep, cause once it passes he will need to reach out and hold you.

One rule I do have with us, is that we never ever discuss the OW or A in our bed, that is our private place and I wont allow her to invade in my private area. It is already a battle with the just thoughts that pop in to invade in something so private.

DM - It's seems as though the ladies have set you on the right foot. You come here and talk as long as you need to...we're here to support you...we all have been there.

I don't know if you have written this already, but...

My OW was having prenatal when she was about 3 weeks pregnant...she too was doing things FAST...when we took the DNA it was proven not to be my H's. I'm not saying that your stitch will be like mine, but when these women try to be real fast with everything...watch out.

As most of you probably have been there yesterday and today have been like a roller coaster. My emotions are everywhere. H has not left my side which like I said before can either be good or bad. We ahve so much to do since he quit his job and we are moving so I know that is part of the reason. Although, the old selfish H would say he was busy could I take care of things. He has odne everything including going to my DS school to his transfer papers. He even helped get the house together for the realator without me telling him what to do.

thunderstorm..thanks for the advice about "being together"

I let him into our room and we were intimate. I would not let me "make love" to me. He hadn't kissed me like that since before we had kids. I am taking it slowly even though I wanted to resist. I guess this is my way of seeing if there really is any emotions left. I feel it but I can't bring myself to tell him "I love you". Is that normal? With last A's I never kept him away for very long. I felt that I was so along without him. I guess part of me wants him to know it is not going to go away anytime soon. I did tell him what I am trying to feel and I don't want to lead him on and think I am on my way to forgiving. I still am confused. The only time I am sure about staying and trying to work on this is when I look at my beautiful children. (Am I making any sense I am tired)

CH.. thanks for the info on the OW. Just like you the OC has filed for the DNA test already with the court to be done in FEb when born. Ok She is barely 2 months. She even sent us in the mail her "parenting plan" for the court and that we should revise it and give it back to her. That is going straight to our Atty. In her letter to us she kept saying how if we do these things now and on our own it will cut down on cost. I know my H was pretty dumb and vulnerable but does she think that I would sit by and let her take over. Oh I forgot to mention that in one her emails to my H she said that....he will go to all Dr. visits...he will see how she is.....he will start paying copays now. Ok before it is proven yeah right. We haven't heard from her since Monday (that's when the letter came). We met with our Atty on Monday and she was going to address the DNA petitions with the courts and send her a letter stating that she is representing us. I feel like this is the calm before the storm. The OW is representing herself.

I know my H is completely to blame and so is she. But I have this gut feeling she did this on purpose. What 38 yr old woman who by the way has 3 kids with 2 different fathers has this happen to her by accident. I am married and was taking precaution because this isn't the time to have another. all she has mention is money and cutting down court costs. I am NOT going to support her and take away from my children. If this child is my H's then fine we will do the right thing with NO CONTACT. But we are not tied to her until it is proven. Oh she also said she will go to the courts if we try to sell our house.

Thanks to all that are still concerned and trying. You are my only friends that I can confide in. God Bless!

I hope you have a good attorney! I hope your H doesn't cave in and go along with ANYTHING this woman is proposing, at this time.

How could she or the courts have any say in whether you sell your house or not? She is not married to your H. She has no claim to any of your property OR $$$ at this time. Don't give her a penny, until DNA is proved. She could have been "trolling" for a man for her plan and may have been with more than one. Be very careful and don't let her run the show. Sounds like she knows what she is doing.

But the house??? She has no say over that! Let your attorney handle her. But watch what the attorney is doing too. We (and others) have had bad experiences with family attorneys.

Good luck!!

LB...thanks for the advice. I think our attorney is pretty good. She flat out and said that if it is his then we will be responsible for just what the law requires. She also made a point to tell us that even if she isn't working now they will look at her work history for the past 3 years. Also, She said in AZ the court frowns apon you not trying to find any work if you are in this situation. Our Attorney said to sell the house and do what we please because she can't do anything until it is proven. The only thing that she did inform us is that if it is his he will have to back pay 50% of OB bills that weren't covered by her insurance. Such as copays. Fortunately she has insurance. I am pretty hopefull with this Attorney. The firm was referred by H's work Chaplain. She has seen others get into this situation.

We actually just put the house up tonight. Since she tried to threaten us about the house I am worried about her posing as someone interested. She told us she has a friend in the business and will inform her the second it goes up. This is still my house and I don't want her in it. I guess it is in God's hands.

She must have thought I was a weak fool and I was going to sit by and let this happen. My H may have been a weak fool but I am not!!!

Thanks for caring <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good grief! She is 6 weeks pregnant with a child she cannot prove yet to be your H's and she is threatening your house? What kind of golddigger is this anyway. All the OW I know that have OC would never do this sort of stuff. All they care about is what is best for their child, not stealing from the bank account of the MM. Sheesh!

LOL LOL LOL LOL

OK SORRY

LOL LOL LOL

I know this is not funny, but your OW sure has alot of balls to be saying that!! She is going to have a rude awakning!!! LOL

Ok now that I got that out of my system, I know I am going to sound like a broken record, sit down and talk to hubby, this is a very IMPORTANT STEP for him to show that he is dead serious about saving the marriage. Take all copies of things OW sent to you to your lawyer, have your H tell lawyer to send her a letter saying NC until time for DNA! Or have your H write the letter send it certified, and give your lawyer a copy!! A MUST!! BIG STEP!!! very important to saving the marriage is stopping all contact.


NO!!!! Do not pay her one dime until the baby is born and proven to be his!! First he told you that it was only a few times, so who to say that it is his OC? And another until it gets rubber stamped by the judge anything agreed before hand can be considered a gift! You owe this woman nothing until the DNA says so!!



He is going to need to wise up fast and be strong


Think you got yourself one that has been around the track, watch her, dont trust her, Like Belle said keep a eye on your lawyer, if you dont feel something is right then make calls and get a second opionion to make sure your lawyer isnt jumping to OW demands.


OW desperately needs to wake up!!! Bella is right she has nooooo claim on your guys house!!! She is NOT his wife!! For my state I know for a fact, that they will base it on H income. Alot of the legal forums that I have kept track of, people will post a thread saying that their ex has sold his house and they want to know if they can take him back to court to get some of that money or have their CS raised, they are usually told no, that CS is based on what they bring home. Ok that is for when CS is set up, we dont own our home, so I cant say for postive. I would say tho that when you sell the house, have hubby sign the check over to you and you put it into a bank account in your name only. But I just even phantom why she thinks she has the right to that, I am sure some one that owes a home will see that and tell you the info on that.


Are you saying here that if the baby is his then there will be no contact? If so you two might want to consider not making that decsion just yet. You have some months to work on the marriage, put that at top of the list. Marriage first. Once the marriage is improving then make the decsion. In the meantime read alot of threads, you will find many many stories on C or NC, all threads will shed light and help you with what you can handle.

Then talk to your H, the decsion is really his to make, my personal opionion, if wants to and you say no that could build resentment and stop the marriage from completely healing. There is threads that will show you that it is possiable. If he decides NC then great you will have support for that too. Yes there is some cases where the W has said NC or leave, and they have a great marriage, every story is different and you two will just have to find what will work for both of you. In my case we are NC by my H choice, for me in my story it is what works great for us, and we are happy.

But this is not something you two need to really worry about right now, right now it is fix the marriage time, get it healed before you make a another big decsion, cause you two will need to stand together, side by side, from here on out.

See??? My posts can turn into a chapter :-)

Hugs

Check with your realtor, here they ask you for your name and personal info before they show you the house. (basically so if you have bad credit your not wasting their time) if they do you can ask them not to show it to her, but if she comes with a friend not much more you can do then what I suggest.

But I do understand how you feel about having her come into your house, I shiver at the thought of OW standing in my bedroom!!

The OW in your case is seriously delusional. The only way she would have any rights to proceeds from the house sale is if she was his W, and she's NOT. Community property is applied to H and W, not the mistress. Oh, and demanding he be at doctors visits or else... Or else what???? That is truly laughable. You don't have to do jack until it is proven to be his child.

So sorry if she's mad, but you are not to blame for her lack of planning. She should have slept with a single man or her own H (I know she doesn't have one, speaking hypothetically) if she wanted someone to be by her side. Geesh...

Thunderstorm gave you some good advice! I am thinking that you could take the sale of the house one step further. After it is sold, put it in your account and then when the time comes to buy another (if that is your plan), have it be in YOUR name. A couple of reasons. If you and your H are staying together (a big assumption just yet), then your H would truly prove he was committed to you, your kids and your marriage by having this major asset in your name only. You can always bring him on title later.....it is easy. Big opportunity for him to build trust with you. Secondly, if there is any way that the family assets are in question regarding OW/OC, if the home is in your name, it won't be included. They won't include your income either.

You OW has an agenda and she has very distorted thinking on what she is entitle to from your H. The NC from your attorney would be great! Restraining order until DNA might be necessary (include friends and associates of hers, as well, from contacting you or realtor). She is not going to give up so easily.

I am glad your H is showing so much remorse and solidarity with you over these issues. We had similar things happen and it was easier for us to be together when there was so much to do and take care of. Prepare yourself for when all the turmoil calms down. That is when you will really see what you are left with and be able to deal with all of the hurt and betrayed feelings. They might be kept "at bay" right now, but they are lurking........waiting for their time to seize you. See how you H is acting then......when things are "normal".

It took me a LONG time to believe that the changes I was seeing in my H were real and permanent. He would say all the right things and tell me he loves me, etc., and I would smile and think, "Ya, right. When does the old you come back?" Cynical, I know. But I had (am still!) to protect myself. It takes a long time for behavior changes to become permanent. He is going in the right direction. Can he stay there?

I am glad you are happy with your attorney. OW can ask for whatever she wants, but that in no way means she is going to get it. Just what the state requires, unless you and H decide you want to do more.

Hang in there!

I think you are right on that, she sure is starting off pretty strong!! Why I think NC letter right away is best. She is going to keep intruding into these months that your marriage is going to desperately need to mend. And it time to put a stop to it and put her back in her place.


That is a nerve wracking part wondering if you have just wasted your time. But this is the time to start building a solid foundation. That way when it does then you are sitting on a nice piece of cement instead of sand. The trick is to keep it moving forward every day. Both you and your husband need to make yourself a promise to yourself, to wake up in the morning and ask yourself "what can I do to make my marriage better today?" And this promise needs to continue until death do you part.

I know nobody can tell me what to do it is just that I need some reassurance that working on this marriage is the right thing to do. I keep praying that when we got some "normalcy" in our lives he will still be working at our marriage. He told me today that he doesn't ever want to feel "comfortable" in our marriage. He is willing to always work at it to be stronger. He also knows that he needs to show me and give me good reason to " fall back in love". My main concern is our kids. I know this is the best thing for them right now. I know I sound confused because I am.

Psyco...sent a letter a few days ago about her propose "parent planning" oh and she even figured it out if it was twins. Our Atty. is going to get a kick our of it when we bring it tomorrow to her. She honestly didn't thing we were going to get an Atty. she kept saying it will cut down on court costs if they do this together without a problem. Rest assured that is NOT going to happen. All she has ever talked about is money and saving court costs and so on not once did she say anything about what is good for the baby. By the way with some long discussion as it stands now there will be NC and H is pretty firm on that. It was his decision. He said that we are his family we are what he wants and needs. Although, if proven in FEb. to be his he will proceed with CS through our Atty. Oh and our Atty. also advised her that any contact can be made through her. I am sure she loved that. H hasn't had contact in about 2 weeks. Actually since the day I found out.

Here I am rambling again. Thanks to all who listen. You are a blessing.

No you are not crazy for wanting to work on your M. Many of us are in those very shoes. Have you picked up any of the Harley books? If not get going! You CAN have a better marriage. It is a wonderful sign the way your H is talking.

NOOOOOO you are not crazy. It can turn around and turn into the marriage of your dreams, and if not then you will know within yourself that you gave it your best shot.

The decsion you are trying to make is like gambling, you are wondering if you should put all your chips on to red 48, all or nothing, or should you cash in now and come out ahead the best you can. Your H is the ball, it is up to him now to land on red 48 to make this all come out ahead