Please bare with me I am extrememly confused and upset. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. 7 of those years he has lied and has had 4 affairs (1 woman twice). Now this last one happend to be a fling suppossedly happend gee only 3 times. Well now she is pregnant. She has ordered a paternity test for when the baby is born. I can't wait that long. I also don't know if I could go on anymore and do this. He says he hit rock bottom and is a changed person. He also claims to have found his faith again. He says that it was his selfishness that got him there and the fact that he felt good to have someone flirt with him. He swears he has "seen the light". Is there anyone out there that can honeslty say that have survived something like this? We have 2 beautiful children 7 & 2. How can a break there hearts anymore then there Daddy has. There is so much more to the story that it would take days. We have been talking about moving back to our home town and now he says we should to start new. Please someone help I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole. Do I stay for my kids??? I am so confused!!!!!

DM, breathe. keep breathing. it will be ok.

dont make any big decisions right now. you have plenty of time for that. just take things one step at a time, one day at a time.

yes, there are people who have gotten through this and lived happily ever after. some ended up divorcing and some managed to rebuild with their spouses. but they all survived. you will too.

how far along is the OW?

devotedmom---welcome to marriagebuilders!

I'm sorry for your pain.

I advise you to do 3 things: 1)read the articles on this website (policies, Plan A and B etc). 2)get "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring and BOTH of you read esp. the part about CONCRETE steps to rebuilding trust (that might include moving away). 3)get counseling if there is ANY way you can afford it. I've heard great things about the MB counseling by phone.

I'm suspicious of your husband's turn-around after 7 years and 4 OW. He might be genuine, but to PROVE it, there are concrete things he can do to earn back trust. That's where guidance from books, articles, and counselors can help. If he is not willing to read them or go to counseling, then he's NOT for real! A person who truly reaches bottom and feels repentent IS willing to do whatever it takes to save his marriage.

Do not make a permanent decision right now!
Be very very kind to yourself while you sort this out--be your own best friend.
Confide in someone you can trust not to spread it around and don't tell many others.

Hang on, DM (nice name <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) You are not alone.
J
married 19y
3 COM
7yo OC, visitation

Welcome and sorry that you had to find us, but there is great many compassionate people here that can try and help you find the way.

I know things look bleak right now and you are very unsure of what to do but take it slow, keep posting and you will find the answers.

There are some on here that H has had more then one affair and I am sure they will be able to give you some good advice.

Hang in there and keep in my mind that you are now amongst friends.

Thank you for answering me back and giving me advice. As far as the OW she is about 6 weeks. We are going to an ATTy. tomorrow to figure things out. We talked to the Chaplain at my H's work. She feels that as a devoted Christian I need to look to forgiveness and learn to love again. How is that possible? My H has been going to school to finish his degreee he has only 4 classes left. We are trying to move back to our home town. This is where we stand since he found out she is pregnant. He lost it at work and resigned. He with drew from classes for this last summer sememster and now wants to put the house up and move and finish school then look for another job. He feels and so do so many others that it is best to start anew elsewhere. Although, once it is proven to be his child we will financially be tied for the rest of our lives. How do I do this????? He has no feelings for her he barely even knows her. He met her in class. He wants nothing to do with OC except what he has to. The Chaplain and afew others that know what is going on claims that my old H is dead and now he is new and born again. How do I believe it. All I do is pray and ask for guidance. I feel so alone and empty. I am in need of a friend who understands! I apologize if this is all jumbled. I can't think straight.

"How do I believe it. All I do is pray and ask for guidance. I feel so alone and empty. I am in need of a friend who understands! I apologize if this is all jumbled. I can't think straight."

you believe it by his actions. It has not been enough time to really figure it out yet. If she is only 6weeks then this is really a very recent event.

What has he done? that is verifiable. He can give you lip service all he wants but what has been DONE???? Is he still speaking to the woman? Has he told her in writing or otherwise not to contact him again?

Has he taken the initiative to contact the attorney and make all the other arrangements to move or gain your trust? Have you been the one he has relied on to contact attorney or make decisions? You need him to step up and protect your and your children, not follow your lead.

Make him accountable to you for his actions.

ok I will stop and allow you to answer.

He may "want" to be new and reborn, but I don't think it can happen this quickly with his long history of cheating. It CAN happen, but it takes a long time and it requires a lot of work........from both of you.

Look for consistent action of change, remorse and consideration of YOUR feelings above those of OW. Not just talk, but action.

Chaplains and friends can be a big help. But don't let them talk/push you into something that doesn't feel right to you. Forgiveness is good, but don't worry about getting there right away. That will take time. You are still trying to decide if you want to stay in the M at all. Go very slow.......and decide what is best for you, what you want and what you can live with. You have some time. Don't let H dictate the plan that you must follow.

And a very important idea. You are allowed to change your mind. You are in an emotional hurricane and the outcome is unknown. It is uncharted territory........no road map of where to go and what to do. You need time to sort it out. And you just don't know what you want yet.

We have all been there. I felt pressured that I must know what to do and make my choice early. It was the simple advice that "I could always get divorced" that allowed me to try and work on my M for as long as I could knowing that I wasn't stuck with that decision if it couldn't be repaired to my satisfaction and happiness. At almost 2-1/2 years after d-day, I can say for sure that I am staying. It has taken me a long time to get there. But having the feeling that I wasn't trapped by that original decision has helped me move forward and try.

I am so sorry that you are in such a miserable situation. You can survive.

love is not the problem

you love him

[color:"red"] T R U S T [/color] is the problem

the good chaplin missed the target by a mile ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

you can forgive him when you are ready (after he consistently shows he has repented ~and~ has permanently changed his ways

you can (and do) love him

and you can both forgive him and love him and decide it is not a safe marriage where you can remain

they are S E P A R A T E issues....

the TRUST is the key

prayerfully

Pep

[color:"red"] T R U S T [/color] is not "won" .... it's not like the lottery

T R U S T is most like a [color:"blue"] paycheck [/color] that one [color:"purple"]earns [/color] with [color:"green"] hard effort [/color] and [color:"red"] reliability [/color] when it comes to [color:"blue"] ~getting the job done~[/color] !!!!!!!

not just talking about the job .... no one gets paid for ~that~

ACTIONS speak ... words mumble

Pep

DM, welcome to MB. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My H had 3 A's in the last 5.5 years. One of them lasted 2.5 years and resulted in an OC. We are slowly getting on the path to recovery. It is not an easy road to walk but only YOU can decide if you want/can do this. If you are a Christian, my suggestion is to pray, pray, pray for God's guidance and peace. I also recommend that your H get into IC to deal with his issues, get the book "Every Man's Battle" and the workbook that goes with it for him to read and work through. As for moving, that is the best idea. Often Dr. Harley recommends this as a means to ensure NC (no contact) between the infidels. Since the OW is only 6 weeks along you have plenty of time to see if your M is going to be able to recovery AND get your legal ducks in a row. We are here and we are all walking a similar path. {{DM}} those are hugs for you.

Ok I am sitting here crying both because I am devesated and because I have found people that I have never met that care and understand. We just got back from seeing an Atty. Which he was the one that initiated it. She told us our options which isn't much. Now we sit and wait until a DNA test is done when the baby it born. OW just sent another riculous letter saying that she is doing a "parenting guide". What a joke. She is acting like this child is here. As to everyones concerns and questions (thank you for responding) I have seen changes that I wanted to see the first 3 times. But I still don't know if they are real. One thing I have to say is that he gave up his job and the gym and those our 2 of his most precious passions. He also has stopped all contact with her. Although, he says it just happend 3 times it doens't matter it only took 1. Besides that he has had 3 others. He keeps wanting to pray with me which he never did before. He even broke down in front of the attorney. He has taken all of the first steps for us moving. He initated the conversation with our childern about us moving. The oldest was upset (7) my daughter is only 2. There are some things that I wnder if are just works and others are actions. He finally admitted to sleeping with the first one which was about 6 years ago. He said it was a short lived (about 3 months)relationship with everything but intercourse. How dumb did he think I was. Anyway, all of these years he stuck to that even with counseling. Now last night I looked him in the eye and said finally admit the truth and he did. I know this is probably jumbled by I am typing as I am thinking. I don't know if this means anything but he is having the Atty. draw up a paper stating that they can also talk to me about everything. I guess now I wait and it is in Gods hands. I just wish I had a sign to tell me that staying with him right now is the right thing to do. I know moving is the best thing we have wanted to go back to our home town for some time now. He just needs to finish 5 classes for his BA. I have suppported him through a tough job and school for 2 years now. When is it my turn. Now when we move we will have to live with family until we find some place and should that be together or apart. I have to think of my chldren and there life financially and he will have to finish school. I never thought it would be like this. He was supposed to finish school, find a new job then resign and we would find a bigger home. Now I have no idea what we are going to do. Even when he gets a job a chunk of that will go to OW and away from my kids. I am NOT saying money is everything but I wanted a decent house and things for my children just like any parent. I feel so lost. does it just come to you when you feel they are truly remorsful and sorrowful. I am sorry this is so long. I am so alone. My only best friend that I poured everything to was my H and now that is gone. I have no one to hold me and say it will be ok and mean it. I can't even have him touch my hand or except a glass of water from him. HELP!

DM, give it time. What his actions will tell you over time should be your sign. Trust your instincts too.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you and your kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


I hope this woman has some health insurance to cover the cost of the medical treatments for her pregnancy and delivery etc..


Has your WH asked the OW (if the child ends up his) if she would considered giving the baby up for adoption? Better for this child to have a clean start void of all of this mess and being so unwanted.

Has your H given you any idea as to why he had 4 affairs in 7 years? What is his justification/excuse for this horrible behavior? What was he looking for when he had a "fling" with a classmate that he barely knew? It may make a difference to you as to whether he can stop doing it or not. He definately needs some counseling.

I understand your financial concerns as far as CS goes. It stinks. If you are not sure you can stay with your H, you may consider filing for legal separation and setting up CS for your own kids. Even if it is temporary. However, if he has quit his job, then there is nothing to be had at this point. Pay attention though. If OW files for CS before you (if it comes to that!), your kids may get CS based on what $$ is left after OW/OC are paid each month. You might want to look into this. It varies state to state.

I remember how devastating this is. Still is, when I remember the early days. Take strength where ever you can find it. Here, on MB or with friends. Do you have any friends or family members you can talk to about it? You will need someone.........it is a long tough road. I am not saying it wasn't worth it. Just long and hard. Whether you divorce or stay. There are no easy, pain free options now. Thank your H for that. He created this mess and your pain and your distrust and insecurity. He needs to step up and try to put this back together, if he can. You may be passed fixing up the M. After 4 affairs, you are certainly allowed to say "no more".

We are here to help. We have been there, too. I didn't find this board until I had been in the mess 6 months and OC had been born. How I wish I had these ladies experience earlier. But I was grateful when I found them. People who knew what it felt like and could understand the special circumstances and pain an OC adds to a A. What a blessing!

Here is something that you might want to consider, weather you decide to work it out or not file for CS right away. File before the OC is born. The first one that files get the most money. You will still have to pay but if you file first then you will get the most and she will get the lower amount. If she files first she will get a bigger chunch of the money.


It is very very important that all contact from OW is stopped until OC is born and dna test is proven to be his. this will give you some months to really concentrate on repairing the marriage. Until the OC is proven to be your H there is no need for any type of communication!! Have your H send her a certified letter stating that he is requesting that she in no way contact him or you by any means Physically, letter, email, text, etc..... until the OC is born and then she can contact your lawyer, giving her the lawyer name, phone number and address for which then the lawyer will set up a time for a DNA test. If it is proven to be yours then the lawyer will set up a court date for CS and visitation if you guys decide on contact. If your H is really serious then he will have no prob with sending the letter to give you guys time to heal.

I do not want to get your hopes up but I do see some positive actions from him, with giving up his two passions to avoid contact with OW, those are good signs.

Him giving permission to talk to you (my h did this too with lawyer, CSO, courts, insurance) is showing that he is not wanting to hide nothing from you, that he wants you to have a choice in the matter

Admitting after all these years that he did lie about what you already knew..... He has hit rock bottom, wants it all out in the open so that all issues can be addressed and you can start with a whole clean slate, plus it shows that maybe he knows, no more lies, even little white lies at this time of trust issue is not a good thing.

Those are positive steps, but they are ONLY ONE OF MANY, and you will just have to wait and see if they continue, to see if he really means it this time.

Get the lines of communication open and do alot of heart to heart talk, it will be hard to believe in anything he says but it is a important step, work every day to keep that line open.

Keep us posted hun!

They will look at his last year income tax returns and base it on that, they will say that you was cabable of making that so your CS payments will be this, get a job to get it paid, or find yourself in heap of trouble, (besides the back payment growing, jail, driver license suspended, credit ruined, and income taxes with held)

I am glad this can be done! I guess they would if it was OW filing.......so it should be true for the W and COM! I didn't get this far in my divorce filing, so I wasn't sure how it was done.

Thanks, Thunderstorm.

I know I am back again. I find that right now this site and communicating with you wonderful people is all I have right now. Ok this is where I am at at this point. H and I have been having heart to hearts all day well as much as we can w/o the kids hearing us. OW actually, filed the other day but we obviously don't have to do anything until it is proven. Although, we have retain an atty. and she is handling everything from this point on. H has only had contact via email about a week after he found out. The last email he sent it was to ask if she really thought he was going to leave his family. Well that fueled her fire. then he came out to where I was (we were visiting family he came out a week earlier then planned) he told me allof this. Then about a day after he told me she texted him. I don't him if he was serious that there were no feelings then he should call her and tell her not to contact him except via email and to order a DNA test. Then I said I would listen and for him to NOT let her know. Well, he did all of that. From that point on he has made no contact and I for once in my life know that that is true. He came back 4 days before us and when he was here alone any move he made he had his mother with. And since I have been back he hasn't left my side. I don't know if these things are good or bad right or wrong good signs or nothing at all. OW hasn't been able to make contact with him anyway being that he was forced to resign. They cut his email and cell off immediatly. She started trouble at his work. Anywasy that is why she sent this certified letter today. In her note she said that she has to know way to contact him and would like a number (like that is going to happend). She also said that she wants to do this without the messy legal costs and time. It doesn't matter because our Atty. will be sending her a letter stating that she is our counsel. With all of the investigating tha I have done and reading all of her emails and letters I honelty feel she new what she was doing. I am by NO MEANS EXCUSING MY H he is 110% to blame but I feel she looked for an easy target. I think she felt that because of the work he was in that he had money. I base that on the fact that she took it upon her self to estimate how much CS she would get. The OC isn't even here yet or has even been proven to be his. As far as your concerns about money...We are going to have to take his pention early and be pentalized on it. But we really don't have much choice. Also, we will have the sell of the house. As soon as we get settled when we move and he is and school and we have all of our schedules planned he will have to find something until he finishes and finds a new career. We have been working for this for so long and for my childrens sake he needs to finish school. I am fortunate that our finances will be ok for a few months. Thats all I need. I hope this makes sense and I am sorry for the long posts. But this is the only comfort I have right now besides prayer and looking at my childrens faces. Am I a fool for saying or thinking that maybe I should work on my M? I keep telling myself that I am going to stick it out for my kids as long as i can. Now I wonder if that is just an excuse for me to stay with him. Oh another thing he has done is go to his parents with everything. He went to his Father as a broken Man, Son, Husband and father. I know that was hard especially that he was raised in a family with strong family values, morals and religion. I pray I am not scaring anyone away with my long posts. Once I get started I can't stop. thank you to all that care. I may not know you ladies but it is comforting to her your advice and realize i am not alone

real quick call me spacy but what does the "D" mean when someone has there kids down and it say DS11 or DD 10

Belle, your welcome. And yeppers they do that so fathers cant just quit there job to get out of CS. What also bites about it is that they used my H's last year income tax...... when I found out what he did with a co-worker, I said quit the job or leave... he quit, so that meant he had to start all over again, bottom of the pole so not making as much money. Which was fine with me. Marriage is more imporant then money. BUT they based it on his old job because of the taxes. SUCKS!!

If you see a D before like in your examples DS DD DH it stands for Darling Son Darling Daughter Darling Husband... the numbers you see is the age..

If you just see D-D that is Discovery Day

Just D is Divorce

You keep coming back as often as you need, and never worry about how long your post are..... get it out, heck I write books with my rants and raves!!! Find all the emotional support that you can find, the more the better! And you will find many great people on here with such good hearts.


Ohhhhhh I hear you on that!!! And they always seem to know that you are trying to have a quiet talk and they become all ears...... mention about cleaning their rooms and they go deaf lol


How do you know that? She said so? Or you get some legal papers? If she said that ignore it, now I maybe wrong and it might different from state to state, but I dont see how she can file for CS until after the baby is born.... hmmmm maybe somebody else will know about that.

Like I said ealier, your H needs to stand firm NO CONTACT with her, not even emails...... STOP ALL CONTACT. Your H can send the letter or have the lawyer, send the name of your lawyer and tell her that is the contact number but not to contact until after the baby is born..... is soooo important, this is your time!!!! If the baby is his then you will have alot to deal with, use this time to heal your marriage.... there is noooooo reason for her to have any contact until there is proof, yes there is a WS here who H got proved that he was the F, it does happen. To Bad to sad that she has to go thru the pregnacy alone, she should of thought of that before she slept with a married man!!

I did like that you listened on the other end, he agreed and that is GREAT.... another good sign. And something to remember in the future. If the OC is his and you two decide on contact, that is a rule alot use. After child is proven and vistation is set, a good rule is that all calls must come on the land line, no cell phone calls or work unless a true emergency....you must be presant in the room to listen to his side of the conversation. All calls must be OC only..... If she calls while you are gone, then he must tell you about the call and what was said the minute you return home. But that is for AFTER OC is born and DNA is positive.

You are right to get a lawyer, you can get so screwed if you dont, probably even with one but ..... it can be alot worse.... trust me I know. Dont send her a dime until the courts say so..... make sure everything is legal.


I have asked that myself hundreds of times.... only time will tell..... I see some little things, and you are picking them up too.... he could of realized what he has in front of him is the most important thing in the world to him, he can learn from it or forget about it and go back to his old way, that is his choice and his lost.... there is promises......is he showing remorse.... some ways and slowly I think he might be, is it for real or a act, you know him, only you can tell. Dont rush in any decsion, see if things keep continue to moving forward. Decide how much you are going to be able to tolerate and see what happens.


This is a way to comfort you, so you wont be wondering, good move on his part, cause we do have them awful thought constantly running thru our heads.... every minute they are away from our side in the beginning, heck every once in while it still bothers me.


For me it is a great sign, I notice that too in my hubby, I also noticed that if ran into a female friend he would put his hand on the small of my back or his arm around me, took me a while I also noticed that he never looked them in the eyes anymore. They dont want you to be getting upset about nothing, they know you dont trust them, and it is there way to say honey I am right here with you, it made me feel more secure. And my H admited too that he wanted me close cause he was afraid too, afraid that I would change my mind and leave him. Even after all this time he still stays very close.

Glad to hear that you will have his family to help you with your emotional means, have heard of some nasty stories it can be the other way around.

Keep them heart to heart talk going, they are biggest part of building a sound foundation for this rebuilding. Talk about everything!! The pain, the fear, your hopes, your dreams, the past, the future..... talk talk talk....

Little steps, one day at a time, cant expect anymore then that. Do alot of research on affairs, not to many out there that deals when there is a child born, but there is some, is there also other forums with great people... find as much support and take it slow.

You got a friend right here 24/7

Hugs

You are not scaring anyone away with long posts! You need them. Just put a few paragraph breaks in them. Easier to read!

Wow am I blessed to have found this site and such understanding people. Today was a bit better. H & I did everything together with the kids. He had a dentist appt. and my son and I had eye appts. Then just the usual stuff. I was actually getting nervous because at the eye Dr. it was taking awhile (my exams are difficult) and I know how he usually would rather be somewhere else...well he was fine and I could see it on his face. When I came out of the room my son was playing his game and my daughter was asleep on him. I had a feeling that I hadn't had in awhile. Is this a sign?

He had lots of heart to hearts today (his choice). Am I not going in the right direction if I resist his touch? For our family and our children I want so bad to find peace and believe it could work. If we have hope and it does work what happens in Feb. when OC is born. I don't know that I will be strong enough. Goodnight for now. He actually had the kids camping out in our room and they are waiting... they got to stay up alittle later. I know part of why he did this is so we could be together at night because I won't let him sleep with me. I know he feels that if the kids are in there it won't be like it is just us it will be family. My head is so fogged I probably make no sense. God bless all of my new friends!!!!

(((((devoted mom)))))

--that's a hug, by the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jenny

Hi DM,
I see I'm coming in to the discussion a little late - a couple things struck me about your posts --

First I would highly recommend MB counseling. It's $185 per session, but after 6-8 session Dr. Chalmers had us firmly on track in our recovery; wish we had known about it after the first D-Day instead of after the relapse.

Second, I don't think it sounds like you guys are in firm enough NC. NC is NO Contact - NONE. The OW in our sitch has repeatedly tried to engage us over the past 2 years - first she just needed "closure" with my H, those discussions turned into a full-blown relapse and my FWH did all the same things your H is doing, broken before me & God, went to MY parents and apologized crying etc promised our girls he would never never leave them again -- then a week before Christmas I found the relapse had been going on for weeks/months and she was pg. Which incidentally she (and many OW's) had lied about repeatedly, but this time it was true.

Don't believe anything OW says, don't even put yourself in a situation to KNOW what she says. If you don't talk to her, the lack of information about the pregnancy pales in comparison to the chaos of dealing with OWs. For 7 mos we didn't even know if OW was still pg. We never ever responded to any letter, email, or phone message she sent, and indeed did all we could to change numbers and email addresses. Her correspondence falling into a "black hole" was the only thing that kept her from engaging with us on a daily basis in a horribly chaotic way and gave us the space to heal our marriage. Do not let her suck you and your H into it.

As far as should you resist his touch. This is a hard one, and I thought that was okay, but Melody Lane was quick to correct and say hey, if it's an emotional need of his, you need to start meeting it. When I told Dr. Chalmers he wanted to "resume relations" she said "That would be wonderful!" So... that's my MB answer. Do it on your terms, but really try to make peace with it.

He CAN get thru this but it is not an easy road for him to truly be broken before God, not to relapse... it takes a lot of counseling and communicaton and reflection. He really needs to dig in deep -- the relief of having you know and having the Affair be over feels good to him now - but he needs to shore up the defenses for when that relief starts to pass. Should you stay with him and try to work things out? Probably yes, if his actions are maintained over time. MB counseling will really put you on the quick road to healing and is very positive and proactive. They do not ( in my experience) focus on everything that's gone wrong. It's marriage Coaching - they focus on fixing and preventing those awful feelings, and making your marriage strong by meeting each other's emotional needs and avoiding LoveBusters. It's hard to navigate this recovery, they can give you tools that really help. It cost us less than $1,000 to do it, that was less than the retainer I paid my divorce attorney! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It is a lot of money I realize, but your marriage and children are worth it. Do not try to do this on your own.

You are not alone, you have God, and you have us!

MSA

Here is something that you might want to consider on returning to intamcy...... when you do, the flashes of him with OW is probably going to pop into your head, your emotions will run high, you could be angry, you could cry..... what I did was talk to my H told him that no matter how hard I try those thought do pop into my head, talk to him about it, tell him that you are scared into get back to loving making, that tho you dont want to deal with the emotions that come, they will, and it is natural, to be patience with you. I dont know if they will ever go away, I still get it once in while, but with time it does get farther and farther apart. Let him know to go slow, romance you again, spend plenty of time on foreplay. If he feels you freeze up, slow down and caress you, whisper your name, that right there hearing your name lets you know that he IS thinking of you and not her. If you cry afterwards, to hold you if your angry to wait it out with you, and be ready for it, dont ever roll over and go to asleep, cause once it passes he will need to reach out and hold you.

One rule I do have with us, is that we never ever discuss the OW or A in our bed, that is our private place and I wont allow her to invade in my private area. It is already a battle with the just thoughts that pop in to invade in something so private.

DM - It's seems as though the ladies have set you on the right foot. You come here and talk as long as you need to...we're here to support you...we all have been there.

I don't know if you have written this already, but...

My OW was having prenatal when she was about 3 weeks pregnant...she too was doing things FAST...when we took the DNA it was proven not to be my H's. I'm not saying that your stitch will be like mine, but when these women try to be real fast with everything...watch out.

As most of you probably have been there yesterday and today have been like a roller coaster. My emotions are everywhere. H has not left my side which like I said before can either be good or bad. We ahve so much to do since he quit his job and we are moving so I know that is part of the reason. Although, the old selfish H would say he was busy could I take care of things. He has odne everything including going to my DS school to his transfer papers. He even helped get the house together for the realator without me telling him what to do.

thunderstorm..thanks for the advice about "being together"

I let him into our room and we were intimate. I would not let me "make love" to me. He hadn't kissed me like that since before we had kids. I am taking it slowly even though I wanted to resist. I guess this is my way of seeing if there really is any emotions left. I feel it but I can't bring myself to tell him "I love you". Is that normal? With last A's I never kept him away for very long. I felt that I was so along without him. I guess part of me wants him to know it is not going to go away anytime soon. I did tell him what I am trying to feel and I don't want to lead him on and think I am on my way to forgiving. I still am confused. The only time I am sure about staying and trying to work on this is when I look at my beautiful children. (Am I making any sense I am tired)

CH.. thanks for the info on the OW. Just like you the OC has filed for the DNA test already with the court to be done in FEb when born. Ok She is barely 2 months. She even sent us in the mail her "parenting plan" for the court and that we should revise it and give it back to her. That is going straight to our Atty. In her letter to us she kept saying how if we do these things now and on our own it will cut down on cost. I know my H was pretty dumb and vulnerable but does she think that I would sit by and let her take over. Oh I forgot to mention that in one her emails to my H she said that....he will go to all Dr. visits...he will see how she is.....he will start paying copays now. Ok before it is proven yeah right. We haven't heard from her since Monday (that's when the letter came). We met with our Atty on Monday and she was going to address the DNA petitions with the courts and send her a letter stating that she is representing us. I feel like this is the calm before the storm. The OW is representing herself.

I know my H is completely to blame and so is she. But I have this gut feeling she did this on purpose. What 38 yr old woman who by the way has 3 kids with 2 different fathers has this happen to her by accident. I am married and was taking precaution because this isn't the time to have another. all she has mention is money and cutting down court costs. I am NOT going to support her and take away from my children. If this child is my H's then fine we will do the right thing with NO CONTACT. But we are not tied to her until it is proven. Oh she also said she will go to the courts if we try to sell our house.

Thanks to all that are still concerned and trying. You are my only friends that I can confide in. God Bless!

I hope you have a good attorney! I hope your H doesn't cave in and go along with ANYTHING this woman is proposing, at this time.

How could she or the courts have any say in whether you sell your house or not? She is not married to your H. She has no claim to any of your property OR $$$ at this time. Don't give her a penny, until DNA is proved. She could have been "trolling" for a man for her plan and may have been with more than one. Be very careful and don't let her run the show. Sounds like she knows what she is doing.

But the house??? She has no say over that! Let your attorney handle her. But watch what the attorney is doing too. We (and others) have had bad experiences with family attorneys.

Good luck!!

LB...thanks for the advice. I think our attorney is pretty good. She flat out and said that if it is his then we will be responsible for just what the law requires. She also made a point to tell us that even if she isn't working now they will look at her work history for the past 3 years. Also, She said in AZ the court frowns apon you not trying to find any work if you are in this situation. Our Attorney said to sell the house and do what we please because she can't do anything until it is proven. The only thing that she did inform us is that if it is his he will have to back pay 50% of OB bills that weren't covered by her insurance. Such as copays. Fortunately she has insurance. I am pretty hopefull with this Attorney. The firm was referred by H's work Chaplain. She has seen others get into this situation.

We actually just put the house up tonight. Since she tried to threaten us about the house I am worried about her posing as someone interested. She told us she has a friend in the business and will inform her the second it goes up. This is still my house and I don't want her in it. I guess it is in God's hands.

She must have thought I was a weak fool and I was going to sit by and let this happen. My H may have been a weak fool but I am not!!!

Thanks for caring <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good grief! She is 6 weeks pregnant with a child she cannot prove yet to be your H's and she is threatening your house? What kind of golddigger is this anyway. All the OW I know that have OC would never do this sort of stuff. All they care about is what is best for their child, not stealing from the bank account of the MM. Sheesh!

LOL LOL LOL LOL

OK SORRY

LOL LOL LOL

I know this is not funny, but your OW sure has alot of balls to be saying that!! She is going to have a rude awakning!!! LOL

Ok now that I got that out of my system, I know I am going to sound like a broken record, sit down and talk to hubby, this is a very IMPORTANT STEP for him to show that he is dead serious about saving the marriage. Take all copies of things OW sent to you to your lawyer, have your H tell lawyer to send her a letter saying NC until time for DNA! Or have your H write the letter send it certified, and give your lawyer a copy!! A MUST!! BIG STEP!!! very important to saving the marriage is stopping all contact.


NO!!!! Do not pay her one dime until the baby is born and proven to be his!! First he told you that it was only a few times, so who to say that it is his OC? And another until it gets rubber stamped by the judge anything agreed before hand can be considered a gift! You owe this woman nothing until the DNA says so!!



He is going to need to wise up fast and be strong


Think you got yourself one that has been around the track, watch her, dont trust her, Like Belle said keep a eye on your lawyer, if you dont feel something is right then make calls and get a second opionion to make sure your lawyer isnt jumping to OW demands.


OW desperately needs to wake up!!! Bella is right she has nooooo claim on your guys house!!! She is NOT his wife!! For my state I know for a fact, that they will base it on H income. Alot of the legal forums that I have kept track of, people will post a thread saying that their ex has sold his house and they want to know if they can take him back to court to get some of that money or have their CS raised, they are usually told no, that CS is based on what they bring home. Ok that is for when CS is set up, we dont own our home, so I cant say for postive. I would say tho that when you sell the house, have hubby sign the check over to you and you put it into a bank account in your name only. But I just even phantom why she thinks she has the right to that, I am sure some one that owes a home will see that and tell you the info on that.


Are you saying here that if the baby is his then there will be no contact? If so you two might want to consider not making that decsion just yet. You have some months to work on the marriage, put that at top of the list. Marriage first. Once the marriage is improving then make the decsion. In the meantime read alot of threads, you will find many many stories on C or NC, all threads will shed light and help you with what you can handle.

Then talk to your H, the decsion is really his to make, my personal opionion, if wants to and you say no that could build resentment and stop the marriage from completely healing. There is threads that will show you that it is possiable. If he decides NC then great you will have support for that too. Yes there is some cases where the W has said NC or leave, and they have a great marriage, every story is different and you two will just have to find what will work for both of you. In my case we are NC by my H choice, for me in my story it is what works great for us, and we are happy.

But this is not something you two need to really worry about right now, right now it is fix the marriage time, get it healed before you make a another big decsion, cause you two will need to stand together, side by side, from here on out.

See??? My posts can turn into a chapter :-)

Hugs

Check with your realtor, here they ask you for your name and personal info before they show you the house. (basically so if you have bad credit your not wasting their time) if they do you can ask them not to show it to her, but if she comes with a friend not much more you can do then what I suggest.

But I do understand how you feel about having her come into your house, I shiver at the thought of OW standing in my bedroom!!

The OW in your case is seriously delusional. The only way she would have any rights to proceeds from the house sale is if she was his W, and she's NOT. Community property is applied to H and W, not the mistress. Oh, and demanding he be at doctors visits or else... Or else what???? That is truly laughable. You don't have to do jack until it is proven to be his child.

So sorry if she's mad, but you are not to blame for her lack of planning. She should have slept with a single man or her own H (I know she doesn't have one, speaking hypothetically) if she wanted someone to be by her side. Geesh...

Thunderstorm gave you some good advice! I am thinking that you could take the sale of the house one step further. After it is sold, put it in your account and then when the time comes to buy another (if that is your plan), have it be in YOUR name. A couple of reasons. If you and your H are staying together (a big assumption just yet), then your H would truly prove he was committed to you, your kids and your marriage by having this major asset in your name only. You can always bring him on title later.....it is easy. Big opportunity for him to build trust with you. Secondly, if there is any way that the family assets are in question regarding OW/OC, if the home is in your name, it won't be included. They won't include your income either.

You OW has an agenda and she has very distorted thinking on what she is entitle to from your H. The NC from your attorney would be great! Restraining order until DNA might be necessary (include friends and associates of hers, as well, from contacting you or realtor). She is not going to give up so easily.

I am glad your H is showing so much remorse and solidarity with you over these issues. We had similar things happen and it was easier for us to be together when there was so much to do and take care of. Prepare yourself for when all the turmoil calms down. That is when you will really see what you are left with and be able to deal with all of the hurt and betrayed feelings. They might be kept "at bay" right now, but they are lurking........waiting for their time to seize you. See how you H is acting then......when things are "normal".

It took me a LONG time to believe that the changes I was seeing in my H were real and permanent. He would say all the right things and tell me he loves me, etc., and I would smile and think, "Ya, right. When does the old you come back?" Cynical, I know. But I had (am still!) to protect myself. It takes a long time for behavior changes to become permanent. He is going in the right direction. Can he stay there?

I am glad you are happy with your attorney. OW can ask for whatever she wants, but that in no way means she is going to get it. Just what the state requires, unless you and H decide you want to do more.

Hang in there!

I think you are right on that, she sure is starting off pretty strong!! Why I think NC letter right away is best. She is going to keep intruding into these months that your marriage is going to desperately need to mend. And it time to put a stop to it and put her back in her place.


That is a nerve wracking part wondering if you have just wasted your time. But this is the time to start building a solid foundation. That way when it does then you are sitting on a nice piece of cement instead of sand. The trick is to keep it moving forward every day. Both you and your husband need to make yourself a promise to yourself, to wake up in the morning and ask yourself "what can I do to make my marriage better today?" And this promise needs to continue until death do you part.

I know nobody can tell me what to do it is just that I need some reassurance that working on this marriage is the right thing to do. I keep praying that when we got some "normalcy" in our lives he will still be working at our marriage. He told me today that he doesn't ever want to feel "comfortable" in our marriage. He is willing to always work at it to be stronger. He also knows that he needs to show me and give me good reason to " fall back in love". My main concern is our kids. I know this is the best thing for them right now. I know I sound confused because I am.

Psyco...sent a letter a few days ago about her propose "parent planning" oh and she even figured it out if it was twins. Our Atty. is going to get a kick our of it when we bring it tomorrow to her. She honestly didn't thing we were going to get an Atty. she kept saying it will cut down on court costs if they do this together without a problem. Rest assured that is NOT going to happen. All she has ever talked about is money and saving court costs and so on not once did she say anything about what is good for the baby. By the way with some long discussion as it stands now there will be NC and H is pretty firm on that. It was his decision. He said that we are his family we are what he wants and needs. Although, if proven in FEb. to be his he will proceed with CS through our Atty. Oh and our Atty. also advised her that any contact can be made through her. I am sure she loved that. H hasn't had contact in about 2 weeks. Actually since the day I found out.

Here I am rambling again. Thanks to all who listen. You are a blessing.

No you are not crazy for wanting to work on your M. Many of us are in those very shoes. Have you picked up any of the Harley books? If not get going! You CAN have a better marriage. It is a wonderful sign the way your H is talking.

NOOOOOO you are not crazy. It can turn around and turn into the marriage of your dreams, and if not then you will know within yourself that you gave it your best shot.

The decsion you are trying to make is like gambling, you are wondering if you should put all your chips on to red 48, all or nothing, or should you cash in now and come out ahead the best you can. Your H is the ball, it is up to him now to land on red 48 to make this all come out ahead

How do I know what is right? Do I stay do I go? Am I wrong for having these thoughts? I know the right thing is to stay and try and work on it but I am tired. I am tired of being pushed down with disappointment.

We got another letter this weekend from the OW now she wants and Amnio done. At first I couldn't wait til the OC was born to find out I wanted to know now. Now I am scared and wish I had more time to figure things out. I am afraid of what might happend when we find out in 4 weeks. Her claim is that she wants to find out so both "parties" can get on with there lives. How do I deal with this? How do I put things aside and work on our marriage? How do I look at my H and say "yes you are what I want and this will work". The letter this weekend was a major set back for me. Between this and moving I feel like I can't breathe. I know moving is the right thing.

Does anyone of any self help books that may touch on this subject?

I am so glad to hear from you again I have been thinking about you.

Hun I really wished that you would send that letter of NC even if test comes back positive that it is your H there is still no reason for her to contact you guys till the baby is yours, that will still give you time to work on rebuilding the marriage. See how the letters bring you down, you dont need that right now. Her not sending her letters will let you focus on what is important, you and your marriage.

The only good thing about getting the test done is finding out for sure. If it turns out to not to be your H then that is one less thing you will have to worry about, and much sooner of finding out.

I dont know but wonder and hopefully someone will be able to answer if the amino is as accurate as a DNA, if it is not and you have it done and come out postive still have the DNA to double check.

I understand your fear of the test. Some days I was so hopeful that the OC was not my H, I wanted the test fast so I could get the good news and move on, but somedays I didnt want the answer cause then it would confirm my nightmare into a reality. And somedays I was just so sick of the roller coaster of emotions I just wanted it over with.


That question you will constantly ask yourself, all you can do is take it one day at a time, sometimes you need to listen to your gut, to your heart and sometimes you need to listen to your head on what to do.


Did something happen? Is your H still showing all the postive actions?

With all the stress that you under with the move, try to find one hour a day to do something for yourself. Walk thru the park, soaking in a bubble bath, anything that you can enjoy, give yourself some time to step back and breathe.


Sorry I dont know of any, I had to do it the hard way and figure it out myself. I hear others mention so many good books on here I am sure they will pass it on, I wished I would of known about them when I was in the beginning so I wouldnt of been so confused and alone.

T-storm, thank you for caring. Our Attorney was sending out the letter of NC on Wed. So hopefully OW gets it by today. I probably shoudn't have accepted it but I was curious. I pray now that there are no more letters. We even told the Atty. to put in there that when the OC is born to contact her office instead. Fortunatley, OW doesn't have our TX#. It is sad that one stupid letter can bring me down so fast.

H is still trying his hardest by actions more so that just words. But I still second guess everything he does.

I have read "surviving and affair" and "after the affair" nothing really touches on this situation. I guess my only hope is to read this site and get advice from wonderful people like you. H has read this site on his own and brought to my attention that it can work and that there are so many in our situation and they are working it out. He is right but I still don't know how to cope and try moving forward.

As far as the amnio DNA I think that is pretty accurate. We have to talk to the Atty. about that. If anyone knows about that please advise me.

If you are over 35yrs old then they will do an amnio to check the number in the child's dna markers to make sure it does not have down syndrome, ect... I would have to imagine it would have to be accurate in order to check for genetic disorders ect.

I had one for genetic testing. I know you can have a dna test done with the results because it checks the genetic markings. I think they only give it at a certain time between 10-12 weeks otherwise it gets riskier. I am not sure on the weeks you can google that if you want.
If she is going to get the test anyway to check for abnormalities then that is a good idea.

I would have you attorney arrange the test and have the lab send you a copy directly , do not wait for the OW to give you the results you never know if she can forge a test paper to show you. Have the attorney contact her and ask for the DR name directly and the day the test is scheduled for to make sure it is actually happening and then have them send a copy of the dna results to a lab that you and your husband hire to compare with the dna sample your husband gives them. You know this does not have to be done on the same day as her amnio so do not let her try that crap. If the test is negative great sue her for the money for the test, if not you and her split the cost of the dna test. I swear it does sound like she is an old pro at this.

Ok who is ready for this one. I was just served today with and "order of injuction of harrassment" against me. The day I found out I called her 3 times she kept hanging up. I didn't even get to say anything but please don't hang up. What really cracks me up with the system is that she even states in the request that I said please don't hang up and the last thing she said to me was "don't f--call back". Well we talked to our Atty. and I talked to the person who served it and both said it pretty much means nothing unless I contact her. Well no problem here we are moving across the county Saturday. That takes guts considering she has all most suceeded in ruining my life. She is not the victim I am. That's our wonderful court system. The only thing that bothers me for some reason is that I really wanted to find out what she looks like. But it is not worth getting in trouble. I have never even had a traffic ticket. Thankful this doesn't go on your record. I looked into all of that.

As far as the DNA our Atty. contact the judge by phone and he said if he rules on the court order that she can do this with the amnio he will allow us to do it where we move to and keep it on file. At least that is one thing in our favor (if you want to look at it that way) Oh she also put in her petition that she will pay 100% of the cost. Am I supposed to thank her. Well, once the judge makes a motion on the petition we will take it from there. She should have recieved the NC letter by today from the lawyer.

The more that happens I believe she targeted my H and swooped in. (I am not saying that he isn't guilty because this wasn't his first A). I am sorry like I said before a women with 3 kids (by 2 different guys) doesn't get PG by accident. Yes my H shouldn't have been irresponsible either but come on as a women you should KNOW!!!!!

As for H he has been still moving ahead with his changes but when I get set backs like I did today and I just not sure if I am willing to do it. Although, right now I have no choice with the move and all. I am trying to step back and look at all of the changes and believe they are permenant but i am so scared. He seems sincere and remorsful but I still second guess everything. I just get frustrated that after all of these years and with such a horrific thing that happend he is finally showing me why I married him and fell in love with him. But is it too late???????

Boy you are one that I dont want to be on the bad side of LOL LOL!!!

Let the OW fun begin!! Put a post up asking others for OW stories and watch you get flooded with responses. One reason
I am glad that we are NC, one less headache for me. And yours sound like yours had some experience in this. Must of graduated from OW 101 at the top of her class.


I had that need too, I had seen her from a distance coming out of her work and passing by on the road, but never saw her up close. It use to drive me crazy, with wondering if she is prettier, and all that that. And my stomach would get in knots when I was uptown and saw a woman with a baby and wondered if that was her. I finally did get to see her at court (there is your chance right there when it is time to go to court) and I could hardly sit still with glee when I saw how butt ugly she was :-)

Do you know when the test is going to be done yet?? Let me know so I can cross every finger and toes for you. I did like that she said to you "find out for sure so you can move on with your life" makes it sound like that she is not even postive. When we recieved the papers for paternity there was more then one possiable fathers listed that was to be tested, makes me feel very justified in calling her a slut, so I did have some hope, but luck wasnt on our side.

I am so GLAD that you guys moved ahead and gave her the NC letter!! Good for you!! You dont need her to be setting you back, what you have to deal with is enough. It is normal to go one step ahead and 3 steps back. That will continue for a while. With time it will less often to happen.

Your fear is going to be around for a while, time and the continued work of your H will help ease that. I am not sure that it will ever go completely away, but I do know it will get less.

You discovered the A, the shell of the marriage has been shattered into a million pieces, your asking can all the king horses and all the kings men's put this marriage together again?

I think your first step to help you is that your power to negotiate necessary changes will never be greater than in this moment, and you should not deal it away too quickly. He must know, and believe, that the sky will fall if he has one more escapade or even a serious flirtation with another lover. You must convince him that you mean business. You must also stress that from here on out that you two must be a united front, that together you will stand side by side and deal with this together.

Be very honest with your feelings, he cannot try to help change things if he dosnt know what is going on inside you. Opening up to the one that hurt you is asking alot, but if your H is really trying then he needs to know what he is up against.

With time and his continued action you will need to search your soul, to find the answer of if you can forgive him. Right now still so fresh in your discovery, that answer will not be able to answer, you are still there, that shows that you are least thinking of it. Keep in mind while you are sorting things out that forgiviness dosnt mean that you are saying what he did was ok, and just because you forgive donst mean you will forget. But it is a good thing for you, not him, when you do find it in your heart to forgive, my wound really started to heal when I finally decided to forgive (and it was months down the road before I did)

Let me ask you this? You have mentioned that you stayed because of the kids? Is that the only reason? Was there any part of you that stayed because of your love for him and wanting to make it work?

Some marriages cant withstand a A and they are not able to overcome the hurt and the guilt. but you will see here that many do, we here are the proof that you might want to hold onto to show that it can work, that it can be better marriage then before.

But even if not, even if you find that you can not because it was to much for you to bear or because of your H continued actions, either way you have friends here that will support you in whatever decision that you make.

Just take it one day at a time hun, and even if that seems to much then go hour by hour.

Hugs

Ok you need to fight the injunction. It can be used against you in the future if you do not try to at least fight it. you can do this without a lawyer, the burden of proof is on her. It only takes one hearing and if she doesn't show for the hearing then you win.

You need to take it to court and make her prove it! You can't help that her phon or your phone was all staticy and you couldn't hear clearly and tried to call back a couple of times.

very good point Cordella, you shouldnt let her get away with making false statements about you. It is very easy for anyone to get a order, without proof.

After readying Cordella post it made me think that what happens if something serious did come in the future and you did need to defend yourself that you did not do whatever, no this is not on your record but there will be a paper trail, it will be known that at one time you had one served on you.

Well, look at it this way. All this crazy action on her part is just pushing your H far away from her and probably sealing his stance that NC is best. She is acting like a total nut job.

I agree with the others, fight the injunction.

see there is a sliver lining to every dark cloud :-)

go to be gone for little over a week. Hang in there hun and will check on you when i get back

Ok we have finished our move across country. We made it sound and safe with all 4 of us 3 fish and 1 snail. H and I have had some heart to hearts but I still am having a difficult time. You do alot of thinking traveling across 9 states in a car. I still don't have the answers. Will I ever? As far as fighting the injuction it just isn't possilbe now. I wish I could but it is too much right now.

Ok now we wait to see if the judge grants OW the prenatal DNA test. In a way I hope he does but then I wish we had more time. If it is granted it won't be for at least 3 more weeks. Somebody tell me I am doint the right thing by trying to work on my marriage. I don't even know how to work on things anymore. So much damage has been done over the years. He claims he has changed and I do see some things different, but the fact remains he cheated on me for 3/4 of our marriage off and on. Now this! Is it possible to reconcile?

I know being back here is a good thing because all of the bad started when we moved out west 8 years ago.

Any advice to get these gross visions of them outof my head? Even though I have no idea what this one looks like.

Do I destroy my kids or do I stay and see what happens? I know I sound pathetic and confused but I am!!!!!!

Ok, DM lets get you off the subject of the possible OC and on to healing your M if that is what you want. I assume you do since you moved with him. The pictures in your head will go away in time but what you can do is when the appear push them away with positive thoughts. You CAN heal if he has really made the decision to change. Only time will tell. What will it hurt or change if you give it time? You will not destroy your kids by D'ing though it is very hard on them, so don't be a martyr just for them. Have you picked up the book "Surviving An Affair" yet? If not do so right away.

DM, click on the link What the WS and BS must do to recover and print out the article. Perhaps you and your H can read it together.

It's a tough call... I was watching an old Dr. Phil on the Tivo this morning... I thought these 7 questions to ask yourself about your (F?)WH are important...

Dr. Phil’s Seven Questions for whether or not to try again…



Beware, even if he passes the test (my H did for the most part, except #1) these patterns are extremely ingrained. Not just patterns to cheat, but patterns of selfishness, immaturity, codependency, and so on. It takes time and a lot of work to break out of it, for both of you.

MSA

Our favorite resources were: everything on this site (including quizzes!), counseling, and "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring.

DM---you don't have to decide today. You can say as I did, that you'll give H 1 or 2 years to work hard on this marriage, that you'll both give it all you've got and THEN re-evaluate how it's going. I call it "probation". Within a couple years, it really should be better if you're WORKING on the marriage (ala above resources). And if not, you will be able to say you really gave it your all, rather than wonder what would have happened if you tried.

Keep in mind, if you drop your marriage now, you'd both take all your marital quirks/issues/problems into the next relationship and nothing will really be solved.

So give it a try! I know it's hard... Hang in there.
J
married 19y and counting
3 COM
8yo OC

It has been awhile since I have been here. I think I need to come back and vent. I feel like I am going to break. I hate living like this. Becuase H decided to quit his job, finish school, moves us across country (to be back with family and be away from OH) and moves us into my sisters. How do I try and feel our M. I tried to bring down the wall a few weeks ago and I just can't. I did give into my feelings but it didn't last long. I just can't forgive and try to move on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know if I can try to heal this marriage while everything is still up in the air.

A quick update....OW said petitioned for a prenatal DNA and she would pay for it. We agreed. A judge finally signed the order and granted it. Ok so H called the DNA place there is one where we are. They said she set up and account but they haven't heard from her. So they contacted her doctor and he said that he told her he refused to do it. Well all of this time she said that he approved it. It is even in the court papers that she filled out. Our Atty. now has to figure out whats going on. They haven't heard from her in awhile. She finally stopped sending them nasty "fatal attraction letters". So again we wait.

I just feel like I can't move on and start to heal our marriage until I know the truth. Is that normal? I know H is trying and wants to but I can't. So do we stay like this until OC is born? Life sucks!!!!!!!!

DM, have you read any of the books recommended here? What is your H doing to make ammends and change? Is he transparent? Is he repentent? Sweetie, this takes time which is why we all said use this time before OC is born to work on the M. It is a process.

hello DM

i've read your posts and would like to add inputs based on my personal experience.

First i can feel that your H is sincere in his effort to rebuild your family, so you should at least give him a chance to prove over a period of time how sincere and dedicated he is.

I know its hard but you have to accept that you've been through storm but soon the storm will pass and everything will be ok -- this are just trials a year or two from now you will just look back and remember how it has been today

Be well informed meaning ---> you should read a lot of articles about how others have gone through infidelity and survived, read about emotional needs and coping with infidelity, read and read

I know the road ahead is not easy but you will have to deal with what is happening one day at a time. Since the OC is not there yet and is not yet proven to be that of your H you should try to concentrate on you, your H and your kids (your family) period

Stop communicating with the OW because she will just ruin your life with all the things she will do and say (as the others have advised you should cut all communications with her and messages or updates should be through your lawyer)

In my experience, we have more peace of mind when all communications from the OW stopped (i ignore her when she texted me, we changed phone numbers, we cut communication lines)

Be strong, for you and especially for your kids. Stop caring about the OW.. she is doing all she could to upset you and finally give up on your M so that she could have your H for her own. She is very ambitious indeed.. And dont give in to all her demands, she dont have any right to demand anything...

and also pray that God will grant you peace and more courage to face each day.

From all of us who've been there and still fighting and or on the road to recovery, we understand how you are feeling and we are all here for you

Hugs to you

denise

I am so torn. We just found out OC is H's. What do i do. Does no contact really work? Especially if OW is psyco. I thought in this 9 months I would know what I would want but I don't anymore. I love him but I just don't think it is enough. What about my precious babies??? H doesn't want anything to do with OW he barely even knows her. I was a very short lived A unlike like his last one. He has had some major changes but I just don't know. I feel like I have been stripped of choices. I am a stay at home Mom and I love it but if we D then I can't. Actually, I can't stay home either way because now we have to figure out CS. Our ATTy. is working on that. OW doesn't have one I hope that works out for us.

Is it wrong that I wish we didn't have to pay anything. H didn't want this baby it was her choice not his. Who anyway at the age of 38 gets PG by accident. She now has 4 kids by 3 different fathers. My H pretty much knows her last name and that's about it. They had a class together. He really is working on us and say he would fight NOT to get divorced but I just don't know that I could live life knowing there is another child out there that is his. What makes me even more sad is that I wanted another child. That is not going to happen. Someone please help me. I don't know what to do. I can't even think clear. What should I do.

Good morning, DM. I am glad you came back. So DNA proved the OC to be your H's? If your H and you want NC with OC, it is OK. C only works if both H/W can agree on it and it sounds as though your H is not interested anyway. It really is ok. As for OW is harrassing you in anyway then think about getting an order of protection against her. In the meantime take whatever steps necessary to protect your family.

Yes, you can recover from this. What have you and your H been doing to recover your marriage?

No, it is not wrong to wish that this didn't happen and that he didn't have to pay. The problem is he took the risk, it goes with the territory. I know it seems unfair because OW gets the choice of carrying the pregnancy and keeping the child. I wish it were different but now your H will pay for this mistake for 18 years. Try to think of it as taking care of the child, not the money going to OW.

Give yourself some time. You have been hurt badly by all this. We are here for you. {{{DM}}}

FaithFul-thanks for responding and the hug. As far as what we have doing to work on our marriage...well just talking. I have been the counseling route several times and I feel it is a waste of time. My H has put alot into faith which he said he has always had his faith but never really put his all into it. He said he has been working on finding his way back to God. We are a practing Catholic family. He has been reading scriptures to help guide him.

I on the other hand need more time to see if he is changing. This past 9 months has been hectic. We still haven't sold our house yet so we are still with family. I feel like I couldn't think about us or what the future hold until I found out the truth. Now that I do I don't know anything. I also feel until we are alone and "normal" again it will be the true test. He just started his new job. I don't know if I have it in me to stick around to see what happens or if he really changed when we sell our house and get a new one. I don't know if I have anything left in me to make this work.

All I think about all day long is the fact that he has another child. Even worse that he really knows nothing about the OW. Just by what we have been dealing with in the past I know she isn't going to make it easy. Thankfully we are on the other side of the country.

Is it wrong for me to want to contact her exhusband to find out what she is really like. I know he still has on going battles with her. I have been keeping up on her many court cases and she always is filing some complaint with someone. I look at all of the public records on her.

My other thing is how does no contact work? I can't bare the thought of my sweet young children knowing any of this. Ever!!!!!!! It is not fair that finacially my children get something taken away from them. I know money isn't everything but we will have to cut back because of his CS. I most likely will have to go back to work which makee me sad because I love being a stay at home Mom.

How can our marriage recover? I am so confused I can't see us living seperate but I can't see us being a "couple" again. He says that he is so in love with me more then ever and I can't say the same at all.


I know I am babbling but I am lost and confused and deeply hurt.

DM, you need to give yourself some time. Give it time to see if he can be transparent with you and a faithful husband again. As for NC, it is what it is. You may give her a PO box or something with which to contact you regarding the child ONLY when necessary or something along those lines. I don't beleive you have to tell her where you are living as long as she has a way of contacting in case of emergency. Get everything done legally and like I said IF she does harrass you, file an RO against her.

As for your feelings, I totally understand. As time goes on, it will fade. You won't think about the OC all the time. Your life will get back on track and somewhat "normal" again. I am not saying you will forget, but you can eventually forgive. Why don't both of you work with your priest on ways to be closer to each other spiritually.

Yes, you can recover your marriage. This site can help you. Are you reading the books? Dr. Harley has a workbook to go with His Needs/Her Needs which is excellent and would give you and your H a real path for your recovery.

DM,
I am so sorry for you. You are about in your discovery where I was when the paternity test was finally completed and I started my antidepressants. They lasted about seven months as I pulled myself back to find me. It has been almost two years since I found out. We have NC. My FWH does not want contact. We moved our family across the country six months ago to start over, without any location memories (I was afraid we would go someplace he had been with OW or she would show up in front of COM). She does not know where we are. The attorney knows, she doesn't need to. Did you file for child support for your children? One of the old threads talks about filing for child suport for your children before she gets hers. We failed to do this. You can do this and still work on your marriage. If she gets the award first, they don't give much credit to the COM. The OW in my case set up the affair for the distinct purpose of getting pregnant. She used fertility monitoring to assure she was the most fertile. She had a postive test three weeks later. Now she can live off the CS because she got the paid for condo from her divorce (OW was 40 and her ex was 63). Take care of your children and work with your husband on healing and rebuilding.
I still hurt, I don't think it ever goes away completely. BUT, there are really good days and weeks. The memory is always there, the reality of the CS will be there for 16 more years. But, my children are unaware and happy. We are working hard on rebuilding and healing. We are spending more time together on the fun things!! Spend time together, read the books. I know that I could never have healed to trust another. If my FWH hadn't been so remorseful, if he had stayed with contact (as the MC's thought was the right thing to do), I would not have made it to today. We have a new home, a new start, a new life. We recognize the dangers to our relationship, to our family. No one as low life as these OW who intentionally get pregnant and willfully attempt to destroy the lives of the BS and COM are worth letting them succeed.
Fight for you, your COM's life and lifestyle, and most importantly with your WH to make your marriage what it should have been in the first place.
Best wishes from someone who felt this had never happened to anyone else. As you see from this site, you are NOT alone, and we all have been through our own version of the he77 you are going through now.

FTS

fledthestate: i would like to talk to you more. Could you explain the CS for my kids. I never heard of that. Although things are moving along with his case. Your sitauation sounds just like mine. We left town to but we came back to our roots. You sound like someone who really knows what i am going through.

I haven't been on this site alot lately. I am just emotionally exhausted to do anything. I just can't stand that she gets away with this. She is so concerned about money. She just filed a motion for temporary cs. Now tell me she didn't do it on purpose.

I feel like a am going to break. I have already been down the antidepressant rode, the counseling rode and everything else. What's next??????? I need someone who has the same situation to help guide me.

DM,

Glad your back, It has been a very long two years. There is a lot of information here. Trust Me, I don't know the half of it. If you go to some of the pregancy "Oldie, not for Newbies" and then link on some of the names, you can view their old posts. Crazyhurt, Texasgirl. One of the things that comes to mind is that CS is based on the income of both parents. Most states do it in percentage. They add both parents income to determine how much the child should live off. Then they award support by the percentage the non-custodial parent contributed to the total income of both parents. Additionally, they subtract in CS that is already owed from the total income of the parent when they calculate. They will give some credit for a COM but in my case it $100/month less than for her child. THEN, they added the daycare (that she doesn't use) and made hime pay the same percentage of daycare costs.

Somewhere here, on of the long ago posts said that you need to file for child support and get the CS award for your children before her order is in place. Also there is a fathers rights website that shows how do decrease the CS owed. There is income shifting, etc. It requires full discovery for money for both parties, your attorney should be doing this.

If I had to do it over, I would divorce H and get the CS for COM, get the house in my name only, FWH to draw up will acknowledging, only after paternity test, the existence of the OC and disinheriting.

Your goal here is to protect your COM, not become the welfare department of this OW. CS is the FWH responsiblity to this child, but he should not be resposible for the alimony that is usually figured in, disguised as CS. (For example, her home costs the same whether she has OC or not, so why pay more support for her mortgage/rent?, The OC does not significantly change her electric bill, nor does OC need a Cell phone.)

These are very difficult time, feelings, and decisions. It feels like you are swimming in a sea alone trying to protect your children, Oh Yeah, yourself too! I wasn't able to and didn't know to get the CS for my COM first. We talked about the divorce to protect assets but I was too afraid that if we did, then it would become real. So, for the next 16 years we take a larger CS hit every month.

The move was the best thing for me. I know she can't afford to just show up at my house anymore. That protects my kids. I did just find out her attorney or the Child support office disclosed our new address that set me back for a couple of days. She doesn't have a right to our location only the guarantee of the check every month. We are full NC with the OC "AND" OW.

Time and honest effort, full honesty and transparency by FWH. Lots of support by FWH especially when everything triggers. Songs on the radio, TV shows, bad jokes by people who have never experienced the pain. Take your meds, go back and get them changed if it isn't helping, Read lots here, not only is the pregnancy board helpful for the specifics of our situation, but check out the GSII and the recovery board. You are dealing with mutiple betrayals. Your marriage, FWH relationship with your COM, (How can they not only betray you, but your beautiful children as well?) The other boards help you with insight to these questions, "The Fog" as they call it. Read here, scan the old boards, and check the others.
You are not alone, your are not the only women to go through this horror. It's not a club any of us wanted to belong to but we will support you through as others support us. Our goals are healing, survival and protecting our COM and marriage.

God Bless
I will help you if I can
FTS

Good Morning, well as for the CS for my kids it's a little too late. The wheels are already in motion for The OC CS and I really can't afford anymore atty. fees. Nobody in my family knows anyway and I want it to stay that way as long as I can. We have been through a rough year to begin with. While my H was suppose to be supporting be a year ago when my Mom died he was doing this instead. As you can see this would bring even more heart ache to my family especially when everyone loves him so much. I have to leave in the hands of our Atty. The upside they atty. and her staff got the OW number. I guess one of the assitants in the atty. office used to work for the OW exhusbands Atty. and they know what a b---- she can be. It is sad because every motion the OW has made through the court emphasized on money.

FledTheState-- the first line in your last paragraph is exactly how I feel. How is it possible to recover from this. Sometimes I think I can but most of the time I think we will never have a healthy marriage. He has lied for most of our marriage. I mean 3 A's is enough how much more could I stay for. How sad is it too love someone that much I can't even leave. I know I did it because of my kids.

He really seems remorsful and I think this last one and because of the OC he has finally opened his eyes and realized how pathetic he was. He was so caught up in himself that he was so far gone he didn't know what he was doing anymore. He seems alot more humble. I don't know. I hate this I hate the fact that I have such horrible thoughts about and innocent child. How awful is that.

I have no energy or will to even read anymore help books are get any help. I have done it so many times that I just don't want to. This site is the only thing I am willing to do. I am tired!!!!!!!!!!

I need someone in my situation to reassure me I am doing the right thing by staying.

DM,

I started a repsonse and lost it. I'll start over.

Do you love your H? Do you feel he has shown true remorse since he came to you about the pregnancy? Has he established true NC w/ OW?

Our true NC didn't occur until the CS order was finished in court. Because during that time everything you are doing focuses on OW and OC and how much money they can take from you and yours. Does your H want contact with OC? This is a veery individual choice. For some contact with only the OC, a mediary to keep NC w/ OW, works. Not for me. I would not have made it to today if my H wasn't able to go NC with OC as well. This means that there is NC with OW, ever, for anything. Any and all communication from OW is required to go through the Atty. We aren't interested in parenting the OC she is raising by her values. Our COM do not know, there are only two family members that know, my brother, and one of my FWH's sisters. No one in the families wants contact with the OC.
My FWH came to me about the OC after he was 4mos. old. He believed the marriage woluld be over the minute I knew, so he was even more stupid and tried to do right by her (he felt guilty, responsible for PG as he was figuring out that she had set him up from day one) Doesn't excuse his guilt, but when I didn't kick him out the second day he came clean about a previous, 3 time affair with someone he had known before our marriage that happened 10 years ago. I never knew about that one either. It was like a second death blow, I really thought I was going to pass out and die right then. But it is part of the Radical Honesty that is discussed here. The amazing thing is he hadn't read anything. He was busted, knew that there was no way out of the consecuences. He still was foggy until we were in the midst of the CS battle. Then the fog lifted. My FWH spent time living in the streets as a HS student, he learned values that were wrong, even though in his heart he knew they were wrong he still followed them, as long as no one knows, no one gets hurt? He did IC with the Chaplain from my work for 7 months while we were waiting for paternity and going to court. He has true remorse, is working on what I need every day, hugs, calls, suprise notes in my car. He has NC and does not want. He wants to take me and our children and do the things that we weren't doing because life got in the way. We spend time at the grocery store together, drives in the mountains or to the lake with the boys. Actively working on time together doing fun things.
They say recovery for the BS takes as long as the affairs, for us with OC is may take longer but, I don't think I got started until the CS had been decided. There was still required information exchange until then, now the only information to exchange is ALWAYS through the Atty. Make her pay for her Atty and keep one on retainer for yourselves to deal with her.

DM, deal with the depression, take the meds, stay busy. It is gut wrenching and spirit draining. BUT, rays of sunshine do get through, and more of them get through as time moves on!! It requires his work. Your H must be doing all the things to help you. This might be hard if he is also depressed, shamed, and guilty for what he has done to you, himself, and his COM. My H had a very hard time, he was always holding all of our friends babies any time there was one, until he determined that he was only the set up sperm donor, and that the harm the OC's existence would cause us and COM far out weighed, any benefit the OC would gain from seeing him for a couple weeks in the summer and every other holiday.
It hs taken me two full years to not always think of the OC as her [email]Bas@@@rd.[/email] It is a normal feeling. The OC should not be here, should not exist, Was created from Deceit and Lust, not from Love, Caring, Intamacy, and the desire to create and raise a child together to be a productive, happy, and responsible part of society. These feelings do get better. Will I reach a point that if he shows up on my doorstep at 18 that I won't become agitated and have a panic attack? I don't know, but I will trust in God to get me there and be prepared for it then if it happens.
You are doing the right thing in staying and working on your marriage if your children are happy and your husbands is working on the marriage and himself with you. I have many thoughts also, if the people I work with knew, they would tell me I was insane and why didn't I kick him to the curb! They can never truelly know until they have been in our shoes. If you read on the recovery board pages, you will find that many of us here, didn't think we would stay with the betrayer if they ever did this to us, I also thought I understood the pain my Matron of Homor went through. I didn't have a clue until my Dday. Don't listen to people who haven't been through it. They don't know. Listen to your heart and your children. If he is working on you, him and marriage then give it your best, if you slip give yourself a break and get up again tomorrow.
Come back here, read some more, share your joys and your pain and Hug your Kids!!!
FTS