I feel the need to make a confession to everyone here. its not earth shattering or anything of that sort but its something I feel must be said.

I know people here think I have been so strong and done well with all thats happened over the last year.

So why is it that I am so miserable right now? I can't stop thinking about what all has happened and why couldn't I fix it.

Why am I so miserable when my EXWH is moving on with his life and making plans for the future with the OW? How can he be so happy after all of this? They are planning a future like nothing has happened. A future with my son like they are a real family. Trips , getting a house together being together forever.

Did our marriage mean that little and the 25 years we spent together all a sham?

Why do I even care or hold out any hope for someone who has destroyed my life? the things he has done and said are something I wish on no one. Why does my heart still leap when I see him, even from a distance?

Why can't I get it through my head he no longer cares or loves me. He is in love with her, the woman who came between us because of his weakness. My logical mind knows its over why can't my heart get it? I am no longer his wife, I am just an boil on the backside of his life. Someone he has to pay every month for the next 5 years... Another debt he owes, something he hates but pays to keep peace.

I smile, laugh and live my life everyday pretending everything is ok. When inside I am hurting and want to make him hurt to. I want him to feel the pain of loosing eveything he has. Yet he continues on like none of it meant anything. He feels she was worth it all.....

How do you know he is happy? Just as you are trying to put on a brave front, do you not think he is strugling with this right now. And if he isn't there will come a day when he will.

Time will slowly heal how you feel. Don't you feel as though you have progressed since d-day? Sure the pain is always there, but as time goes by and as long as there is NC, the pain reduces.

I know one day you will be in a much better place and hopefully you will look back at this time as a rough spot in your life.

So why is it that I am so miserable right now?

hurting,

The key words are RIGHT NOW. That is how you feel RIGHT NOW. That might not be how you feel tomorrow....or the next day...or the next. BUT, it might be how you feel March 3, 2010....or even August 1, 2006.

There are going to be days that you feel GREAT about your decision to remove yourself from the turmoil that your marriage became.

You need to find ways to ride out those days...until they become few and far between. Mark it down on a calendar...Bad Day....Good Day. Then start counting how many bad to good...and you might be surprised to see how many more good there are than bad.

Again...it is just a suggestion and jmho.

committed

I understand

it's crap being "The Strong One" .... when you just want to collapse and let someone else do the heavy lifting

you're plum-wore-out-gurl

you are N O R M A L

Hurting,

You are a blessing and inspiration to everyone who knows you.

This may be old but it's nonetheless true-

Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels. (not nearly fast enough as T&L would say)

God Bless you Hurting

hok,
I am very sorry that your situation played out as it did. Someday, soo I hope, God will take away your burdens and you will find happiness. Being strong is tough business. Please take care.

patriot

Hurting,
You're still hurting b/c you took your vows seriously and you were committed for life. You love deeply.

You're still hurting b/c you are alone. You don't have anyone else to focus your attention on, no one to dream with, no one to share your life with.

I'm struggling w/letting go of a dead M that was dead long ago, even before I knew of all the As and inappropriate Rs because, in part, I don't want to be alone. I know he will be w/someone else so fast the ink won't be dry on the papers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But, you know, what do I have if I stay? Someone who SAYS he loves me but proves otherwise. Someone I don't trust, someone whose life is in constant turmoil from his kids and family. Someone who is, IMHO, a serial cheater. Someone who would probably cheat again.

You are going to be fine. It's just going to take time to adjust. You were married most of your life. YOU can't turn your back on all that so easily.

The cards are stacked against him and OW. They just are. Maybe they will make it but, do you really think there's trust in that R. Honestly? I doubt it. I imagine there are lots of little holes in that R. It's all not rosy I bet you $.

The way you've handled everything has really shown me that I can, too. I just have to do it.

God Bless You .

Why? U r hurting because u r human. If you weren't huritng, we'd be wondering if you've been consumed by an alien?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

{{{hugz 2 U}}}}

L.

((((((((((((((((((HURTING))))))))))))))

Such wonderful words from all of you. It helps so much to have the support from people who have been there and made it.

I have to agree with Pep I am tired, so very tired... I have tried so hard to save this relationship and I have nothing left to give anymore. Somedays I feel like my brain is mush so much thinking and worry.

I also know the odds are against the infidels making it long term but for some reason I feel they will stick together just to make a point no matter how awful it is.

I just need to get away from here for a few days and be by myself and just chill. I am hoping that can happen in the next month or so. Money is very tight right now.

The OW is trying to make herself look good to my kids by saying things like , "your dad and I don't expect your mom to help us buy clothes for DS , we know she does not have much money." I don't need or want her sympathy, she is the reason for my situation. She also claims to my DIL she told EXWH to come home and work and on his marriage and if in a year he still felt the same way he could come back as long as he was divorced. So why is it then when he did come home she kept contacting him at work drawing him back to her? She is trying so hard to make herself look good to everyone so no one blames her for anything. It makes me sick. I truly hate this woman and I don't say that lightly. I am not one to hate another person but I really do her.

I am just keeping my head up and looking forward thats all I can do. The memories will fade one day and seem like a dream. I can do this, I have to ......


Hurting

hey there hurting

the OW also told me that she "broke things off with my H twice so that he could try to save our marriage"

but in reality....she was trying to decide if she wanted to save HER marriage then....

but, of course, he came around and talked to me about reconciling but wouldn't take any actions to lead to this....just in case OW changed her mind...and of course she did

i think it's all about "sacrifice"

the OW makes it seem as though she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness by letting our H go.....when in reality they had no intentions of ever doing this because they are too selfish.....all they really wanted was to be able to feel good because they "tried" to do what was right

oklahoma....i feel just like you do about this whole situation....

Hello Hurting-
I understand how you feel- and think that going through the
questioning, wondering how things ever got in such a mess,
feeling like things spiraled out of control, and realizing
there was nothing you could say or do differently would have
made any difference are normal for all of us on the affair
roller coaster, and probably a part of the grieving and
healing process.
My IC has told me to just let my feelings come as they do,
to not "over think" or get "stuck" with a particular set,
and to realize that they will pass and change again.

I agree with others here (and have to remind myself of the
same) that we may feel like the WS are having a great life
or great time, and getting on with life, but they likely
are not. Remember that empty, awful, lifeless look they
have, and the fact that they have a conscious, whether they
want to or not. I think it'd be very hard for them to ever
look in the mirror, think about their families, think of all
they lost, and realize they were entirely to blame for it !

As for the OW, I think they all want to say they set the WS
"free", encouraged them to work on their M, or that the WS
kept coming back to them, all in an effort to make themself
look and feel less GUILTY. My WH's OW even tried to make an
excuse for behavior, saying "I'm sorry, but I love him" !
I think she still thinks what she is doing is "okay" because
WH tells her he had been "in a unhappy marriage for a long
time, that he tried so hard to make it work, that we went to
MC and were told we should divorce, that we were already
seperated before he met her, that I'm just being difficult
and refuse to accept a divorce", etc.... all which is untrue
but she either is dumb, naive, or so desperate for someone
that she doesn't care...
I used to feel a little sorry for the OW, but I too have really grown to hate her, which is very unusual for me.

Hang in there Hurting. Your kids and others know the truth,
know the person you are, and aren't going to buy anything
the OW says or believe she's anything other than the OW.
(she NEVER will be !) Nothing changes the dignity, cool, and
strength you've shown through it all.
(((((HUGS)))))
Slammed

((((Hurting))))
It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your marriage. This may sound silly but I was really holding out hope that the D would not happen. If you had came and posted on the day of the hearing that WH...changed his mind I would not have been surprised. I was surprised that he actually followed through with it.

If I felt that disappointment never meeting you or him...I can only imagine how you felt.

So its time for a new chapter. Who knows how the story will end. In this story you are the heroine and the good guys will win in the end!!!

Cha Cha,

I held out hope until that day myself he would change his mind. I still don't believe this is really what he wanted.I really believe he had gotten in so deep he knew no way out. His pride has been standing in his way for so long now, he can't or won't admit he has done anything wrong.

I will be fine this is just another hurdle to climb over. so far I have climbed them all this one is just a bit taller and make take more time to conquer.


Hurting

Hurting...

I see you, as how I will be in a few months when the D is over.

I don't really want a D, some have said I should withdraw the petition.

Some days I think I am doing the right thing, other days I'm not so sure.

I feel like you, that he is having a great time with the OW, he at least has someone, and I am home with the kids and a dog. Sometimes as sick as it sounds, I envy his life.

Honestly I don't think he wants this D either, but like you said, he has gotten in too deep, eveyone knows, who I exposed to, and his pride now won't let him admit he's done anything wrong. To back down now, he wouldn't/couldn't do it.

I wish somehow he would wake up and see what he's done, but I don't see that happening.

Here is the latest. I called my attorney yesterday to find out what the hold up is on the divorce papers. Seems WH'S attorney is stalling for some reason. they have yet to be sent to the judge for him to sign and the court to file them.

Its been over two weeks since I saw them and the were sent back to be signed by the judge and WH. My attorney is calling his to find out what the hold up is.

He still has not paid his alimony for this month yet. I have to wait until Aug. 15 and let him be 30 days behind before we can file contempt charges on him.

I am just so mad about this all, he wanted this done and over and now his side is dragging their feet. My attorney says does not matter if they are signed the judge ordered the alimony and WH has to pay it papers signed or not.

So since no papers have been signed by the judge or filed in court I still am married to this A$$.....

I just want to call him and say come on get this over with .....

wouldn't it be nice if he had changed his mind and THAT'S why he hasn't signed?

anything is possible!

Eav,

It might be a nice dream but I am pretty sure thats not it.

I think it has to more with money than anything else. No way is the OW not going to make sure those papers arn't signed. She wants him and him signing is the only way she feels sure she has him.

Hurting

is it that EXH thinks because they haven't been signed he doesn't have to pay until they are? Maybe ExH hasn't paid his lawyer yet?
Just a couple thoughts...it's always something with the waywards.....

Big,

I tend to agree with your thinking on this. I do believe he feels not signed he don't pay. Little does he know it does not matter, he is just gonna make himself further and further behind. Guess he will figure it out when he has to go back in front of the judge and explain himself.

head up butt syndrome is getting a just about to get on my last nerve here. Time someone extracts it for him and right now I am just the person to do it in a court room......

Hurting