I feel the need to make a confession to everyone here. its not earth shattering or anything of that sort but its something I feel must be said.

I know people here think I have been so strong and done well with all thats happened over the last year.

So why is it that I am so miserable right now? I can't stop thinking about what all has happened and why couldn't I fix it.

Why am I so miserable when my EXWH is moving on with his life and making plans for the future with the OW? How can he be so happy after all of this? They are planning a future like nothing has happened. A future with my son like they are a real family. Trips , getting a house together being together forever.

Did our marriage mean that little and the 25 years we spent together all a sham?

Why do I even care or hold out any hope for someone who has destroyed my life? the things he has done and said are something I wish on no one. Why does my heart still leap when I see him, even from a distance?

Why can't I get it through my head he no longer cares or loves me. He is in love with her, the woman who came between us because of his weakness. My logical mind knows its over why can't my heart get it? I am no longer his wife, I am just an boil on the backside of his life. Someone he has to pay every month for the next 5 years... Another debt he owes, something he hates but pays to keep peace.

I smile, laugh and live my life everyday pretending everything is ok. When inside I am hurting and want to make him hurt to. I want him to feel the pain of loosing eveything he has. Yet he continues on like none of it meant anything. He feels she was worth it all.....

How do you know he is happy? Just as you are trying to put on a brave front, do you not think he is strugling with this right now. And if he isn't there will come a day when he will.

Time will slowly heal how you feel. Don't you feel as though you have progressed since d-day? Sure the pain is always there, but as time goes by and as long as there is NC, the pain reduces.

I know one day you will be in a much better place and hopefully you will look back at this time as a rough spot in your life.

So why is it that I am so miserable right now?

hurting,

The key words are RIGHT NOW. That is how you feel RIGHT NOW. That might not be how you feel tomorrow....or the next day...or the next. BUT, it might be how you feel March 3, 2010....or even August 1, 2006.

There are going to be days that you feel GREAT about your decision to remove yourself from the turmoil that your marriage became.

You need to find ways to ride out those days...until they become few and far between. Mark it down on a calendar...Bad Day....Good Day. Then start counting how many bad to good...and you might be surprised to see how many more good there are than bad.

Again...it is just a suggestion and jmho.

committed

I understand

it's crap being "The Strong One" .... when you just want to collapse and let someone else do the heavy lifting

you're plum-wore-out-gurl

you are N O R M A L

Hurting,

You are a blessing and inspiration to everyone who knows you.

This may be old but it's nonetheless true-

Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels. (not nearly fast enough as T&L would say)

God Bless you Hurting

hok,
I am very sorry that your situation played out as it did. Someday, soo I hope, God will take away your burdens and you will find happiness. Being strong is tough business. Please take care.

patriot

Hurting,
You're still hurting b/c you took your vows seriously and you were committed for life. You love deeply.

You're still hurting b/c you are alone. You don't have anyone else to focus your attention on, no one to dream with, no one to share your life with.

I'm struggling w/letting go of a dead M that was dead long ago, even before I knew of all the As and inappropriate Rs because, in part, I don't want to be alone. I know he will be w/someone else so fast the ink won't be dry on the papers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But, you know, what do I have if I stay? Someone who SAYS he loves me but proves otherwise. Someone I don't trust, someone whose life is in constant turmoil from his kids and family. Someone who is, IMHO, a serial cheater. Someone who would probably cheat again.

You are going to be fine. It's just going to take time to adjust. You were married most of your life. YOU can't turn your back on all that so easily.

The cards are stacked against him and OW. They just are. Maybe they will make it but, do you really think there's trust in that R. Honestly? I doubt it. I imagine there are lots of little holes in that R. It's all not rosy I bet you $.

The way you've handled everything has really shown me that I can, too. I just have to do it.

God Bless You .

Why? U r hurting because u r human. If you weren't huritng, we'd be wondering if you've been consumed by an alien?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

{{{hugz 2 U}}}}

L.

((((((((((((((((((HURTING))))))))))))))

Such wonderful words from all of you. It helps so much to have the support from people who have been there and made it.

I have to agree with Pep I am tired, so very tired... I have tried so hard to save this relationship and I have nothing left to give anymore. Somedays I feel like my brain is mush so much thinking and worry.

I also know the odds are against the infidels making it long term but for some reason I feel they will stick together just to make a point no matter how awful it is.

I just need to get away from here for a few days and be by myself and just chill. I am hoping that can happen in the next month or so. Money is very tight right now.

The OW is trying to make herself look good to my kids by saying things like , "your dad and I don't expect your mom to help us buy clothes for DS , we know she does not have much money." I don't need or want her sympathy, she is the reason for my situation. She also claims to my DIL she told EXWH to come home and work and on his marriage and if in a year he still felt the same way he could come back as long as he was divorced. So why is it then when he did come home she kept contacting him at work drawing him back to her? She is trying so hard to make herself look good to everyone so no one blames her for anything. It makes me sick. I truly hate this woman and I don't say that lightly. I am not one to hate another person but I really do her.

I am just keeping my head up and looking forward thats all I can do. The memories will fade one day and seem like a dream. I can do this, I have to ......


Hurting

hey there hurting

the OW also told me that she "broke things off with my H twice so that he could try to save our marriage"

but in reality....she was trying to decide if she wanted to save HER marriage then....

but, of course, he came around and talked to me about reconciling but wouldn't take any actions to lead to this....just in case OW changed her mind...and of course she did

i think it's all about "sacrifice"

the OW makes it seem as though she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness by letting our H go.....when in reality they had no intentions of ever doing this because they are too selfish.....all they really wanted was to be able to feel good because they "tried" to do what was right

oklahoma....i feel just like you do about this whole situation....

Hello Hurting-
I understand how you feel- and think that going through the
questioning, wondering how things ever got in such a mess,
feeling like things spiraled out of control, and realizing
there was nothing you could say or do differently would have
made any difference are normal for all of us on the affair
roller coaster, and probably a part of the grieving and
healing process.
My IC has told me to just let my feelings come as they do,
to not "over think" or get "stuck" with a particular set,
and to realize that they will pass and change again.

I agree with others here (and have to remind myself of the
same) that we may feel like the WS are having a great life
or great time, and getting on with life, but they likely
are not. Remember that empty, awful, lifeless look they
have, and the fact that they have a conscious, whether they
want to or not. I think it'd be very hard for them to ever
look in the mirror, think about their families, think of all
they lost, and realize they were entirely to blame for it !

As for the OW, I think they all want to say they set the WS
"free", encouraged them to work on their M, or that the WS
kept coming back to them, all in an effort to make themself
look and feel less GUILTY. My WH's OW even tried to make an
excuse for behavior, saying "I'm sorry, but I love him" !
I think she still thinks what she is doing is "okay" because
WH tells her he had been "in a unhappy marriage for a long
time, that he tried so hard to make it work, that we went to
MC and were told we should divorce, that we were already
seperated before he met her, that I'm just being difficult
and refuse to accept a divorce", etc.... all which is untrue
but she either is dumb, naive, or so desperate for someone
that she doesn't care...
I used to feel a little sorry for the OW, but I too have really grown to hate her, which is very unusual for me.

Hang in there Hurting. Your kids and others know the truth,
know the person you are, and aren't going to buy anything
the OW says or believe she's anything other than the OW.
(she NEVER will be !) Nothing changes the dignity, cool, and
strength you've shown through it all.
(((((HUGS)))))
Slammed

((((Hurting))))
It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your marriage. This may sound silly but I was really holding out hope that the D would not happen. If you had came and posted on the day of the hearing that WH...changed his mind I would not have been surprised. I was surprised that he actually followed through with it.

If I felt that disappointment never meeting you or him...I can only imagine how you felt.

So its time for a new chapter. Who knows how the story will end. In this story you are the heroine and the good guys will win in the end!!!

Cha Cha,

I held out hope until that day myself he would change his mind. I still don't believe this is really what he wanted.I really believe he had gotten in so deep he knew no way out. His pride has been standing in his way for so long now, he can't or won't admit he has done anything wrong.

I will be fine this is just another hurdle to climb over. so far I have climbed them all this one is just a bit taller and make take more time to conquer.


Hurting

Hurting...

I see you, as how I will be in a few months when the D is over.

I don't really want a D, some have said I should withdraw the petition.

Some days I think I am doing the right thing, other days I'm not so sure.

I feel like you, that he is having a great time with the OW, he at least has someone, and I am home with the kids and a dog. Sometimes as sick as it sounds, I envy his life.

Honestly I don't think he wants this D either, but like you said, he has gotten in too deep, eveyone knows, who I exposed to, and his pride now won't let him admit he's done anything wrong. To back down now, he wouldn't/couldn't do it.

I wish somehow he would wake up and see what he's done, but I don't see that happening.

Here is the latest. I called my attorney yesterday to find out what the hold up is on the divorce papers. Seems WH'S attorney is stalling for some reason. they have yet to be sent to the judge for him to sign and the court to file them.

Its been over two weeks since I saw them and the were sent back to be signed by the judge and WH. My attorney is calling his to find out what the hold up is.

He still has not paid his alimony for this month yet. I have to wait until Aug. 15 and let him be 30 days behind before we can file contempt charges on him.

I am just so mad about this all, he wanted this done and over and now his side is dragging their feet. My attorney says does not matter if they are signed the judge ordered the alimony and WH has to pay it papers signed or not.

So since no papers have been signed by the judge or filed in court I still am married to this A$$.....

I just want to call him and say come on get this over with .....

wouldn't it be nice if he had changed his mind and THAT'S why he hasn't signed?

anything is possible!

Eav,

It might be a nice dream but I am pretty sure thats not it.

I think it has to more with money than anything else. No way is the OW not going to make sure those papers arn't signed. She wants him and him signing is the only way she feels sure she has him.

Hurting

is it that EXH thinks because they haven't been signed he doesn't have to pay until they are? Maybe ExH hasn't paid his lawyer yet?
Just a couple thoughts...it's always something with the waywards.....

Big,

I tend to agree with your thinking on this. I do believe he feels not signed he don't pay. Little does he know it does not matter, he is just gonna make himself further and further behind. Guess he will figure it out when he has to go back in front of the judge and explain himself.

head up butt syndrome is getting a just about to get on my last nerve here. Time someone extracts it for him and right now I am just the person to do it in a court room......

Hurting

what is the penalty for being late with $$$ he owes you?

Pep

Pep,

there are many things, first off would be a time set by the judge for him to pay or he can send some time behind bars. Then comes the garnishment of pay ...... Oh yeah and he will be charged interest as well.....

So he can either do it or ignor it and look out the cell window ..... Personally I prefer the garnishment because if he is behind bars I get nothing ...... Interest would be nice as well .....

Hurting

Hurting:

Your personal growth over this time has been REMARKABLE!

I often don't know what else could be said to you!

I sit back in AWE and AMAZEMENT as you have BLOSSOMED before our very eyes!!!

Of course, you are human...

But you are a testimony to how "Every cloud has a silver lining"....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Interesting how screw up his mind still is, eh? Give 'em what they ask for and still they are not satisfied.....such is the life of a WS.

That's why the A will fail. Even if he signs the OW will still be an OW and the bone of contention will still reign.

Yet you won't have t/d a thing. There w/b LBing from the OW to him all over the place. LOL!!!!! The great thing is he can no longer blame you for that.

His life of misery will continue. The lack of trust will be his way of life.

So much for moving up in this world. His stairway goes only 1 way......down, down, down......

U though are moving on up. He isn't going to pass you, he is already waaay below where you are. If he even wants to catch a glimpse of you, he has to work hard to move on up.

Btw, make sure you get every penny that been agreed for him to give you. Every penny....and a bit more if you can. Y? 'cuz your family is worth it and more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Mimi,

thanks for the wonderful sentiment. I have grown a lot during all of this, I have learned many things. Even though this is not what I wanted I realize maybe its what needed to happen for me to become the person I needed to be. I still miss him and the marriage we used to have and yes to a degree I still love the man but I am doing ok without him.

Orchid,

your right he is so far below me right now I can't even see a shred of who he used to be. Who he is right now the OW is welcome to him, I have no desire to have a liar and cheat around me. As far as trust goes there will never be any between them how could there be. She knows what he has done as well as him knowing what she has done. Misery loves company they say.

As far as the money I am not backing down on that and he is gonna pay one way or another. Of this I will make sure....


Hurting

H, the other thing to consider is that, as soon as the D papers are finalised, he will be free to marry the OW. I wonder how much pressure she's putting him under to marry her? I'll bet you anything he's subconsciously dragging his heels against the reality of that...because it strips him of the fantasy of freedom and gets him right back in the 'rut' (as he probably told himself it was) with a less amenable woman.

You've grown so much, H, and I feel your weariness. But believe me, your H's he!! is just beginning...you will soar. Just give it time.

TA

Maybe you should call the ow and let her know that stbx has not signed the papers yet, and you need to move on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Tell her that they took everything from you, inclucing children, so why can't your stbx sign those darn papers? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't give a rat's patootie what stbx thinks. You are no longer in plan A. Do that 180, okla.

You are sooooo worthy, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> and yes, you have mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks guys for all the support and words of wisdom.

as far as him marrying her she is still married herself. She claims she is going to divorce but who really knows. And in Okla. there is a six month waiting period after a divorce before you can get married. So even if that was the case EXWH could not get married until Feb. and once her D happens she has to wait six months. So we are lookng at way into next year before they could become legal. anything could happen in that time.

Hurting

Isn't it odd that OW was pressuring him about the D but she hasn't even filed yet? Sometimes I think these WH do drag their feet so they are not available to remarry. I think they have a little, tiny, microscopic voice of reason that knows the OW is not someone they can take those vows with.

You sound good Hokie

How are you doing?

Pep,

thanks for asking how I am doing. This weekend was not very good one for me.

I pretty much told everyone but the dog off saturday. My adult children got the benifit of my anger because of things they said to me regarding their dad and his HO.

to make a long story short they are coming to visit along with my DD who went up there last month and to retrieve the rest of their belongings in storage. anyhow they go on and on about a trip they are planning to an amusement park while here. I said that should be fun then they lower the boom on yeah we are going with Dad and HO. They were talking about how the Ho is being nice and all.

Well needless to say I lost it on them. I told them all except YDS you are adults and I can do nothing about what you think or who you believe but do not ever talk to me about your Dad and his Ho anymore. I do not care what they do and I don't want to hear about all of you playing happy family on outings.

I bascially let them know I feel betrayed that they have taken up with her like I don't matter anymore. I get the mom we are nice to her because of dad , we don't want him mad. So I said you know what he didn't give a rats [censored] about any of you when he walked out. He didn't care we had no money for food, lights water nothing and here you sit kissing his butt and the ho's. I told them I am done with this crap. I don't want his name mentioned to me ever again.


Then yesterday YDS finally calls me after almost two weeks of me leaving messages on the answering machine at the Ho'S nest. He said mom you called, I said yes many times. He said well the nmber never showed on the caller id. I told him thats crap I have left numerous messages on the machine. He said well I didn't know. I said someone knew DS so they either erased them so you didn't know or you are just ignoring me. Either way I am done with this crap to. You are 16 yrs old and know how to call me. I told him you were suppose to come this weekend and you blew me off until sunday evening when its to late.

I told him you know I love you and miss you very much but I am not going to beg you to talk to me or see me. I said I am done being walked on by anyone. I have lost everything I ever had in this last year but I refuse to loose my dignaty by begging anyone to love me. I told him you know where I am when you want to talk.

there is much more to all of this but I just don't have the energy to type it all out. Plus WH came by here friday while I was at work and told his sister he would be over to the house Sunday to get the rest of hs junk and then as he put it," I will be out of all of your hair then." SIL says he is trying to get everyone to feel sorry for him. He is in self pity mode now. Anyhow he never showed up ..... to bad for him it all is going to the dump this week, he was warned......

So I am trying to recoup from a awful weekend. Maybe I was wrong saying things to the kids but they are adults except for YDS and are making choices to condone the behaviors of their dad. I can't stand by and say nothing anymore about how it hurts me and I feel pushed aside.


Hurting

Are you taking an antidepressant?

Pep,

I am not taking any AD'S. I dont have any insurance since WH took me off his last Aug. I don't have the money to go to a dr. or pay for meds. ****** I can barely afford to pay my bills as is. So I am going to have to muddle through this without those.

I dont feel depressed, I have been there done that. I am just angry right now. I generally am ok its when they bring stupid crap up I get angry and down. My anger has taken over control after all of this time. I want so badly to give it all to my EXWH, he deserves it. I have yet to tell him off about all of this but I know the day is coming I can feel it. And to be honest I don't care how he takes it, he can hate me forever....

Hurting

many times

depression is expressed as

anxiety

which is voiced with angry outbursts

.... most counties have public health services listed in the phone book .... treats people without insurance

Pep

Hi Hurting,

....I am sorry to hear about the choices your children are making and how it must hurt you (adult or no adult)...... but I think that if you 'communicate' with them in angry outbursts .... you are damaging YOUR relationship with them.... I am not saying you should not tell them that their choices hurt you, or how it would help you to NOT hear details of their outings with WS and OP......what I am suggesting is that you communicate with them in such way so that they are not being asked to CHOOSE between their parents..... they love you both.... I say this knowing full well how hard this is to do.....you cannot believe the energy it takes for me to NOT put my boys in the 'middle' because it would be sooooo easy....

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I have yet to tell him off about all of this but I know the day is coming I can feel it. And to be honest I don't care how he takes it, he can hate me forever....
-----------------------------------------------------------

I am not worried so much about your WS..... I am more concerned about how you would feel about yourself..... AFTERWARDS.... as is always with anger.... in addition to the 'initial' stress release..... what will it accomplish? ....what will you be telling your WS that you have not yet already told him.... and that you could SAY to him otherwise than in ANGER and have a better chance at being heard?

.....because otherwise.....you are HELPING your WS and OP JUSTIFY their choices...... and I don't think you want to do that..... don't SELL your dignity..... for a few minutes of 'stress' release..... and in exchange feel additional 'frustration'..... because WS will not HEAR you! ...and the cycle will not be broken.... break the cycle...... I don't think your WS DESERVES the attention you are giving him!

.....YOU deserve YOUR ATTENTION!....... invest it in YOURSELF!

((((((((((((((((HURTING)))))))))))))

Did you call county services yet?

... or, ask your MIL to loan you the $$$ for medical treatment.

Pep

I agree with Pep.....

....too much happening too quickly....it must be overwhelming.... some medication might be in order to help out.....

Pep and Luna,

Thanks for the concern and yes I have called the mental health center and can't get in for three weeks. So I am just going to have to wait it out.

You know I guess the biggest problem right now for me is the kids having the approach of ok Mom its all over, dad is happy so why arn't you? they just want to sweep it all under the rug and pretend everything is rosy and that OW is rightfully where she belongs.

These kids saw everything I have been through , they lived the nightmare with me, but yet their dad can do no wrong. Are they that afraid of loosing him they will bow down to him and the OW?

I guess I am just tired and my emotions are running rampant right now. I have worked 9 days straight without a day off and am just exhausted some of the days being 12 hours long.

I talked to my DD this morning and she apologized for going on and on about her dad with me. I thanked her and said I know he is your dad but I am not the one to be talking to about him and the OW. She said she repects that and will not mention them again. I apologized for flying off the handle at her, she accepted. She said I know your still hurt and angry its ok.

It will all be ok..... I will be fine..


Hurting

hurting,

They saw, but they don't really know. They can't understand how you feel, because they don't feel it the same way you do.

I think that is why MB is so important. You get to share with folks who really do know your pain.

When my DD's learned of my FWH's A, they were ticked, mostly at OW, but then they moved on. Teenagers can be about as shallow as get all when it comes to real compassion.

You hang in there!

You are tired of being The Strong One

it's natural you'll collapse after awhile

be kind to yourself

Pep

Hi Hurting,

quote:--------------------------------------------------
Thanks for the concern and yes I have called the mental health center and can't get in for three weeks. So I am just going to have to wait it out.
--------------------------------------------------------

I am glad to hear this....

quote:----------------------------------------------------
You know I guess the biggest problem right now for me is the kids having the approach of ok Mom its all over, dad is happy so why arn't you? they just want to sweep it all under the rug and pretend everything is rosy and that OW is rightfully where she belongs.
--------------------------------------------------------

....is this what they actually 'said' to you.....or what you are 'reading' into the things they have said and done?

quote:----------------------------------------------------
....... but yet their dad can do no wrong. Are they that afraid of loosing him they will bow down to him and the OW?
----------------------------------------------------------

I don't know about the first part.....but I would thing the second part....losing him....yes....I think they are afraid of that....ESPECIALLY after WS left you.....but it is something that I think you will have to leave it to them to deal with.....just as you are dealing with your fears and challenges....and let them make their choices.....about what they are willing or not willing to tolerate from their dad....

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I guess I am just tired and my emotions are running rampant right now. I have worked 9 days straight without a day off and am just exhausted some of the days being 12 hours long.
-----------------------------------------------------------

geesh....Hurting.....you guess?.....why are you working so many days and such long days?..... because of the $$? ....because you are being asked to?.... I think it would help if you can work out a more 'balanced' work schedule.... in the longrun....even if you might have less $$....

.....this is what I have learned..... in my very small unit that I work in..... the head of the unit has been having some health issues for about 2 yrs......had a medical intervention this past May...... I didn't realize the pressure this (...or should I say 'I') put on myself..... one day I forced myself to come in to work even though I was sick....because....I had gottent to the point of 'ignoring' signs...... I learned one day, by going to work and being forced to go back home two hours later because I was too sick, that I was not giving myself the 'permission' to be sick seeing as I came right 'after' the head unit....and he was sort of 'not available'......but by 'ignoring' my body giving me signs..... I was actually making it worse....in the long run.....the world would keep on turning if I missed one day of work! .....being overly responsible is NOT good!

....Hurting....you can't keep up this work schedule and be OK.....it's the kind of work schedule that leads to 'burn out'...and you don't need that!

quote:---------------------------------------------------
I talked to my DD this morning and she apologized for going on and on about her dad with me. I thanked her and said I know he is your dad but I am not the one to be talking to about him and the OW. She said she repects that and will not mention them again. I apologized for flying off the handle at her, she accepted. She said I know your still hurt and angry its ok.
---------------------------------------------------------

..Good....glad to hear this, too.


....and YES.....you will be OK and you will be fine...... keep telling yourself that......what you are feeling is 'normal' for someone going through as much as you are....as a matter of fact.....under the circumstances... you are doing great!

((((((((((((((((((HURTING)))))))))))))))))

Hurting, I am sorry for your loss!

HIO,

Here is a link for you to consider:

http://www.kickbackwithkava.com/

This has been a great help to me, but RESEARCH IT WELL.

It is NOT for everybody, ESPECIALLY if you are female.

Just something that might help take the edge off until you can get in to see the counselors.
Mulan

(((hurting)))

It must be inforiating to see the kids fall in line to accept OWHO. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do w/ her. You can dress a pig in lace hat but it'll still roll around in the mud!

Is your move on hold indefinitely...I was hoping you could get away and get a fresh start.

You remain in my prayers

Hurting-
So sorry you are having a rough week.
Sounds like the stress of dealing with so much for so long,
combined with long work hours is finally catching up with
you- hope you will do all you can to pamper yourself and
take good care of you ! I know it can be hard when you're
trying to watch the finances and don't have a lot of free
time, but how about an "indulgence" day, where you get to
sleep as much as you want, eat your favorite foods, watch
a great old movie, take a soak in the tub, paint, or take
a drive somewhere different ? Try to eat well, drink lots
of water, take vitamins, get as much sleep as you can, and
take a walk or get some other exercise too.

Since losing my job, I've been having some rough days too,
feeling very bored, unproductive, and frustrated. Ive tried
to create a new routine, get out of the house some each day,
do some things with friends, and accomplish some of the
things around the house that always need "caught up", but
I've noticed myself feeling pretty crabby and irritated
lately and know its all my emotions catching up with me.

I'm sorry your kids are not being very sensitive or under-
standing about the situation. I would guess they may feel
scared, confused, and unsure about how to feel or how to
act, and am sure they don't mean to hurt you.
It would be great if they would let their Dad clearly know
what they think of his actions, how much his breaking up
the family affects them, and that they want nothing to do
with the OW, but maybe that will take awhile. The more
they are around XH, the more they are going to see what a
broken, empty person he's become, and the more they are
around OW, the more they will see how much she is NOT like
you, and will never be their Mom.

I get a great visual image of ChaCha's description above-
"You can dress a pig in lace but it'll still roll around
in the mud !"= love it !!

Hugs and prayers to you,
Slammed

As I predicted EXWH waited until the last day of the month tp pay the alimony. This being the first of many I am sure he was not happy doing it.

I was at work when he came by the house to drop it off and he had our DS bring it in. He still won't get out of the car to even say hello to his mom.

Anyhow I got home and my MIL said there is something for you on the dresser. I saw the envelope laying there in my WH'S handwritting and felt a sense of loss. He had written on the front of it To: BS XXXXX very formal like. As I opened the envelope and looked at the check I didn't feel happy at all like I thought I would.

My MIL looked at me and asked was I ok, and I just started crying and looked at her and said this is not what I ever wanted. She had a tear come to her eye and said I know.

This money does help bring me relieve in paying bills and surviving, but it does not make me happy at all.

EXWH has really done it with his sister as well. She really let him have it monday when he called her whinning. She told him life does not revolve arond him and she is tired of it always about him. She has her own family and her husband is leaving for Afghanastan(sp?) before thanksgiving and she does not want to hear anymore of his crap. She told him he did this and live with it. So now he has told everyone they don't have to worry about him anymore he will stay out of all our lives. So far he has contacted no one since then.

So anyhow at least he paid, still no Divorce papers yet though. Can't seem to get any answers from his attorney as to what the hold up is.


Hurting

oklahoma

you might remember from my thread that my father left my mother for another woman and they divorced. my mom recently told me that it really hurt her that all of us kids talked about him all of the time. we talked about the things he bought for the OW house and cookouts they had....we didn't realize that we were hurting her and she never told us.

i wish she had!

i never even realized that she still loved my dad. i thought that after he had left her for someone else...and divorced her (he was also physically abusive to her) that she must really hate him.

she never explained to us that she still loved him and it really hurt her to hear about his life without her.

i wish she had.....we hurt her because we didn't know and she didn't tell us because she didn't want to hurt us by making us feel like we couldn't talk about him.

my advice is to be really honest with you kids about your feelings.....i wish my mom had

Eav,

I have been honest with them about my feelings. This last bit of information really set me off. They all now know how I feel. So far they have not even mentioned his name to me since last week. I hope they keep it that way.


Hurting

((( Healing )))

I am clear across the country at my son's and have finally figured out how to log on here.

When I read the title of your post, I totally understand why the check did not *make you happy*. Perhaps you are like me in that I am not motivated by money. I am more emotionally driven.

Break the bank - oh well....

Break my heart - now we got a problem !!

I am so sorry this is all happening. Are you going to be moving any time soon ? I believe, as much as your MIL is a huge supporter for you, it will be healthier for you not to hear his name mentioned - every day. I think that is going to be the real beginning of your healing completely.

You have kept your dignity through all of this and that has no price. no way, no how.

You, my dear -- are priceless !!!!

Your friend, carnation

Eav,

Just out of curiosity regarding affair marriages. Did your father's last with his OW?

my father stayed with her for many years. he was living with her from the time i was in 1st grade. All that time he had a little house that he used as his office...and by the time i graduated, he was living there but still seeing the OW. Not long after my wedding, they were seeing each other very seldom. so....it lasted about 12 years with the next few years after that just being more as friends in regards to the daughter they had. My dad never married her but then again, he never came home either.

Hurting-
Glad you got your check, and sorry that XH is still playing
games and making things more difficult than need be.

I wouldn't imagine you would feel happy or good getting the
check, as you were never in this for vindictivness or any
kind of revenge- you gave your full, 100pct effort with all
your heart, effort, love, and hope. Having the check will
help with bills and taking care of necessities, and there is
some satisfaction in that at least.

I think your XH is probably in a very bad place now, knowing
he lost everything of importance, and realizing he is now
left to live with the scummy circumstances of his actions.
Having to live with that every minute of every day must
be much worse than writing the check. His mood and attitude
are certainly not going to improve any time soon, and he
has only himself to blame. I picture him as living with big
heavy weights on each ankle, while you on the other hand
have light, bright wings !

Slammed

Since I don't have much pc time, thought I would let everyone know I am still alive..... lol

Nothing here has changed much. I am still working my butt off, DS is still blowing me off and WH and the bimbo are doing their thing with the exception of WH's contstant whinning of how broke he is..

Still no divorce papers yet and can't seem to get a straight answer from anyone as to why they have not been signed by him or the judge. So guess I am still as married today as I was 6 months ago.

I am doing good though, most days are real good. A few moments here and there where I miss my life with him and the kids and our home. But life goes on as they say.....


I did have a small talk with him today. He was pouring concrete right out in front of the house and as I was leaving we spoke.

I asked him how DS was and he said he is doing ok. I asked about school starting. I was very calm and non emotional with him. As he leaned into the car window I looked at him and said, " So whats the hold up on the divorce papers?" He looked at me and said what do you mean? I said WH they have yet to be signed by you or the judge why is that? He had this dumbfounded look on his face and said you mean I have to sign them? I said well yeah. All he could say was ok.

I said well gotta go, take care and drove off. He looked like crap, old and very miserable. As he drove by the house this morning I was sitting at the window reading and noticed him staring at the house as he slowly drove by.

I handled the conversation with as much dignaty and non emotion I could muster. Looking at him still makes my heart leap. I now know I can't see him it just brings back to many feelings. So planb has to be kept up for me.

Good to "see" you Hinokie. Are you still moving? and when?

jean,

Good to hear from you. No I am not moving to Va. my job is becoming what I want. promotions on the horizon once the new store is done. I really like it there and I would be a fool to give up a good job.

Plus I realized I can live in the same town as them and be ok. I don't ever run into them together anywhere. Yup I see him sometimes driving down the road but thats ok. And anyhow why should I be the one to hide and runaway I did nothing wrong. I see now my reaction and reasons for leaving were running away reactions. Just like his for running from our marriage. I will not run away I am staying to face life and whatever it throws at me. I was letting fear of him and her run me off.

I am not afraid anymore, I am stronger now than I have been in the last year and i can face it. they will not alter my lfe and have me scared again. I realized I can face them and not fall apart but I am not so sure they can say the same.

Hurting

(((Hurting)))

Glad to hear you are doing OK. You are strong, I know you will continue to heal. It's good to hear about your job and the possibilities coming up. Take care & Hang in there.

You are definitely making it.

I am so glad to hear that you are staying put and staying strong! You sound great! Will you stay in your current house or is SIL still taking the house?

How is your oldest son and family doing? Did he get straightened with his marital issues?

Jean,

I have been out of my house for almost two months now. I am still living with m MIL but hopefully will have my own place by next month. Now that WH is paying his alimony things are easier money wise. SIL has finished the work on the house and is moving in this weekend.

ODS is doing fine and seems to be on track. In fact I am sitting here waiting for them now. they are coming to visit with the grandbabies this week. they should be here within the hours they are like 70 miles out now.

Unfortunate part is we have no room for them to stay here and it looks like they may be staying with WH and the bimbo. I don't like it but not much I can do. I am going to try and work something out for them to stay here though. I told them if they stay with WH I do not want to hear one word about anything that is said or done over there.

As bad as I hate this I have to accept the fact she is part of WH'S life and will be around at least for now. I dont have to like it or condone it but accept it maybe so.

Hurting

I'm sorry about my brain lapse, now I remember you packing and stuff.

Have a great visit with ODS and family!

Hurting-
So glad to read your update and hear that you are doing
so well. You are really "rising up", while WH is quickly
sinking into all the "muck" he got himself into !

Glad the job situation is good and you are feeling good
about staying where you are.

I am still looking for a job, and have had some long,
boring, days but I'm hanging in there. Seems that not
going to work gives me more time to think of WH and
that situation, which isn't so good. I am taking a
little vacation for a few days and am looking forward
to that as a "change of scenery".

Enjoy the time with your family and grandkids!
Slammed

Yea Healing !!!

You sound so darn good.

Look at all you have been through and you have come out shining on the other side.

The growth and strength that you have acquired amazes everyone, I am sure.

Gosh - you sound so good !!!

As the saying goes ~~

Don't let the ba$[censored] get you down.


Carnation

so much has happened since the kids have been here since friday. its been a very emotional time for me. With the ODS and his family staying out there with WH(EX?) its torn me up. I finally went out there on sunday afternoon and got my grandson and he has been with me since. DD has stayed with me and not seen her dad except for about 20 mins. the whole time.

I did have a discussion with ODS about all of this and I asked him what if it had been me who did this what would you think? He said Mom I would have thought bad of you and called you a HO. So of course I said whats the difference then.

WH says he is coming to get the two dogs sometime in the next week as they have now rented a house they are moving into. Makes things seem so permante with them. But ****** I thought things with us were the same way and we see what happened. He didn't hestitate to walk away from me or our home we owned.

I called my attorney again yesterday to find the status on the D papers. Still have not been signed or filed by him or his side. He can't get any answer as to why. He asked did WH pay me, I said yes but not the back support. So he wrote letter to WH'S attorney and said they have two weeks to file the papers and get the back money to me or we go back to court for contempt. He said BS I told you when we left the court that day in June we would be back in court that this was not over yet.I told him I spoke with WH about the papers and how he acted like he didn't know they had to be signed. He said BS he knows I am sure he was told he is stalling for some reason. I don't want stalling anymore I want this over. I am tired of being jerked around by him....

There are other things that happened but I am sure everyone gets the idea of what its been like for me the last week or so. Its been ******.....

{{{hurting}} Can I kick your ODS's butt?

Well the divorce papers have been signed ,sealed and delivered. So now its really been done.

if someone had said to me a year ago I would be divorced today I would have said no way. This time last year my EXWH was still very much involved with me and so unsure. I had so much faith he would come out of this fantasy life and come home. Boy did he prove me wrong.

I never really thought he would throw away our 25 year mariage. We had made it through so many bad times together as well as the good times. Its like he has wiped the slate clean and has forgotten everything except the bad.

I have resigned myself to the fact he is done. Maybe she is what he has needed and wanted someone who is manipulative and demanding. He does not have to think for himself she does it for him now. They will be moving into a home they are renting together sometime in the next week and he will be getting two of our dogs. If there had been anyway possible for me to keep them I would have. I know he loves them and misses them so they will be ok. Not sure how she is gonna react but I can't worry about that. So out of low income into a real home with my son and two of my dogs trying to make their lives normal so to speak. She got what she wanted my life, my husband.

I still have so many unresolved things I feel I need to say to him. I have yet to be come angry with him and tell him exacttly what I think. He kept saying I was not fighting hard enough. What did he want me to do scream,yell and throw things at him? Was I suppose to confront her and tell her to stay away? I knew that would only cause more hurt feelings and justifications for him. He thinks I didn't care enough because I didn't do what he thinks I should have done. Even with all of what he has said I am still proud of myself for taking the high road and being a lady and not falling to their level.

So now its time for Plan BS. No more plan a or b for our marriage that is over and done. Time for me to care for me and move on in life.

I do wish him the best and hope he finds what he is searching for. I will never accept her as part of my childrens lives after all that has happened but I can get past it. I don't have to see or speak to her ever if I choose not to. If by chance we have to be in the same place due to our children or grandchildren she will be just a bug on the floor to me.

I still hope on day my EXWH wil see all he has done and realize just because he has changed women the problems he has will still be the same only difference is a different body is waking up beside him.

Hurting

Just talked to my attorney. EXWH is now in contempt of court. He was late for hus July alimony and his date for August is now 16 days late. he also shorted me 100.00 so that also is gonna hurt him....

One darn thing for sure not my problem how he gets the money, its now time to pay the piper and reap the consequences of his actions. OW wants him so bad she needs to step up to the plate and be his partner in everything , not just tearing my marriage apart help him pay his obligations.......


Hurting

Tell him to go rob a liquer store or better yet borrow it from his new in-laws.

I know you have already been told this but his affair marriage will never make it. Even if he stays married for any length of time that relationship will always be based on doubt and miss-trust.

Mr. G

I know your right they will never make it long term or at least happily anyway.

they are not married yet as she is not even divorced. And he can't marry for six months from the date of our divorce being granted. its not final up until that date. The same goes for her once the divorce it is granted she will have to wait six months as well.

I know there is no trust between them and never will be. She watches his every move like a hawk. She is so afraid of him and I even talking that he steers clear of me at all costs. What a sad way to live.....

Uggh, what a way to live a life....

Invest in yourself, invest in your children. Help them to learn the values of loving relationship. I think you already know this.

Do you need to take legal action to get him to come up with the cash? Is he current with child support?

Mr. G

Mr. G,

My attorney is sending out a letter to his to let him know we will file contempt charges within two weeks if all money's are not caught up.

He does not pay me child support as he has our 16 year old son. The boy told the judge he wanted to live with his father. I fought it on moral grounds and all but what my son wanted prevailed. The judge did say the child was acting out and that I as his mother had done all I could do and it was time for his dad to be a dad. He sid to me you are a good mom but I don't think you can handle this childs behaviors since your H left and so its up to him to be a dad.

He also told my EXWH that the problems I was having with DS will come to him and they are starting. The judge also told my EX that I am not paying him CS. Basically he told EXWH these are the consequences of your own actions deal with it. So I get alimony and he gets nothing. I do things for my DS and buy him what he needs. I tak my role as his mother very serious and do what needs to be done for him. But I do not have to pay my EX anything.

We do have joint custody with very good visitaion for me. Right now DS is doing his own thing and pretty much blowing me off but I still make contact and let him know I love and miss him.... I am just trying to let time work and let him realize on his on who has his best interests at heart. I could force more visitation but I feel it would be counterproductive to force anything and cause more resentment. He is going to have to figure this out for himself.

As for EXWH no holding back though. if I have to drag his butt to court monthly to make my point about his obligations to me, so be it...... These are his consequences for his choices.

Great to hear from you Hurting, and as always, what you
have said really "hits home". It's coming up on a year
from when my WH got involved with OW, and I never would
have believed he's still be off in fantasy-affair land
after all this time, especially after all their fights,
break-ups, his DUI, phone calls, and drama.

Don't think I'll ever understand why WH would leave a
happy, stable marriage, nice home, dog he loved, and
wife who gave 100pct to be with a sleazy, clingy,
manipulative and controlling OW, who like yours is so
paranoid and insecure she watches him every minute,
checks his phone, goes through his stuff, calls me,
etc. I've always thought he'd come to his senses, miss
his real life and want to come back, but as time drags
on I'm getting less sure that any of our life means
anything to him anymore..

Every day is tough, but I take it a day at a time, am
continuing to work on and care for me, and as of late,
have had plenty else to worry about-
(losing job, health issues, had to replace hot water heater
last week, etc.)
Glad that I'll be off on my litte trip in a couple days
and have a change of scenery-

As always, you impress me with your class, grace and dignity
in handling everything. I don't think your WH begins to know
what he's gotten himself into, but he's going to as he has
to deal and live with OW, try to be a Dad, and live up to
the consequences of his action financially.
Hugs to you !
Slammed

Slammed,

thanks for your kind words. I am trying so hard to stay on the high road. I right now just want to blast his a$$... I want so badly to tell him what I think of him right now. How spineless and so not the man I know.

I hope you jhave a wonderful time on your trip. A change of scenery will do wonders I am sure. I am ready for a little change myself. Once I get settled in a place of my own I want to take a few days and go somewhere myself. I have not left this place since all this crap started except to take my DD to Indiana and that was no relaxing trip.

Keep your chin up Slammed it will get better.

hurting

You know what, Okla? I'd be very tempted to DO IT!

Catch him off guard, alone, no witnesses, and say your peace. Dont tell him you need to speak with him (so he cant warn the family), just catch him out sometime.

The D is over, the legal stuff is taken care of, not much to loose, from my point of view. Course I'm not the coolest cucumber on the board <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. Just my two-cents - Dru

There's no rule on the High Road that you cannot speak your truth. I see nothiing low about it - Dru

Hurting, I know it really stinks that the divorce is final now, but I pray that you find some relief from the drama. For me, knowing that the legal stuff was finally over was such a huge relief!

Of course, that doesn't mean the divorce is over. I had read somewhere there are three divorces... legal, emotional and spiritual. Guess which one is the easiest?? My prayers will continue to be with you and your family.

I'm sure you read it all the time, but I just wanted to add my voice to the choir.... you are such an inspiration to so many on this board. You have handled yourself with nothing but dignity, grace and class. You can truly hold your head up high.

As for the x....I would probably just let him come to his conclusion about what he has done to himself, his children, and his wife (not to mention OW's family!). That's what I've resolved to do with mine. He'll find out on his own what a mistake he's made, sooner or later. Mine already is complaining about money (which wouldn't be a problem if OW would get off her duff and get a job). He's backing off a little on DD, too... He used to keep her til 10 on dance class nights, now he says he can't do that anymore b/c it "interferes with him getting ready for work." Whatever.

If you're really wanting to say your piece, why not write a letter he'll never read, then burn it or something? It could be symbolic for letting go. Getting it out on paper always helps me, and then I feel like the bigger person for not being a b****.

Your son will gain some maturity in the next year or so and will see the light providing you stay on the “high road”. This is almost always the case. You have already been through it twice so I guess you know.

Most of the time children become their parents, so I think you can plan with some confidence that your son will benefit from your always extended hand.

Mr. G