Hi Hurting,

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Thanks for the concern and yes I have called the mental health center and can't get in for three weeks. So I am just going to have to wait it out.
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I am glad to hear this....

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You know I guess the biggest problem right now for me is the kids having the approach of ok Mom its all over, dad is happy so why arn't you? they just want to sweep it all under the rug and pretend everything is rosy and that OW is rightfully where she belongs.
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....is this what they actually 'said' to you.....or what you are 'reading' into the things they have said and done?

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....... but yet their dad can do no wrong. Are they that afraid of loosing him they will bow down to him and the OW?
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I don't know about the first part.....but I would thing the second part....losing him....yes....I think they are afraid of that....ESPECIALLY after WS left you.....but it is something that I think you will have to leave it to them to deal with.....just as you are dealing with your fears and challenges....and let them make their choices.....about what they are willing or not willing to tolerate from their dad....

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I guess I am just tired and my emotions are running rampant right now. I have worked 9 days straight without a day off and am just exhausted some of the days being 12 hours long.
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geesh....Hurting.....you guess?.....why are you working so many days and such long days?..... because of the $$? ....because you are being asked to?.... I think it would help if you can work out a more 'balanced' work schedule.... in the longrun....even if you might have less $$....

.....this is what I have learned..... in my very small unit that I work in..... the head of the unit has been having some health issues for about 2 yrs......had a medical intervention this past May...... I didn't realize the pressure this (...or should I say 'I') put on myself..... one day I forced myself to come in to work even though I was sick....because....I had gottent to the point of 'ignoring' signs...... I learned one day, by going to work and being forced to go back home two hours later because I was too sick, that I was not giving myself the 'permission' to be sick seeing as I came right 'after' the head unit....and he was sort of 'not available'......but by 'ignoring' my body giving me signs..... I was actually making it worse....in the long run.....the world would keep on turning if I missed one day of work! .....being overly responsible is NOT good!

....Hurting....you can't keep up this work schedule and be OK.....it's the kind of work schedule that leads to 'burn out'...and you don't need that!

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I talked to my DD this morning and she apologized for going on and on about her dad with me. I thanked her and said I know he is your dad but I am not the one to be talking to about him and the OW. She said she repects that and will not mention them again. I apologized for flying off the handle at her, she accepted. She said I know your still hurt and angry its ok.
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..Good....glad to hear this, too.


....and YES.....you will be OK and you will be fine...... keep telling yourself that......what you are feeling is 'normal' for someone going through as much as you are....as a matter of fact.....under the circumstances... you are doing great!

((((((((((((((((((HURTING)))))))))))))))))

Hurting, I am sorry for your loss!

HIO,

Here is a link for you to consider:

http://www.kickbackwithkava.com/

This has been a great help to me, but RESEARCH IT WELL.

It is NOT for everybody, ESPECIALLY if you are female.

Just something that might help take the edge off until you can get in to see the counselors.
Mulan

(((hurting)))

It must be inforiating to see the kids fall in line to accept OWHO. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do w/ her. You can dress a pig in lace hat but it'll still roll around in the mud!

Is your move on hold indefinitely...I was hoping you could get away and get a fresh start.

You remain in my prayers

Hurting-
So sorry you are having a rough week.
Sounds like the stress of dealing with so much for so long,
combined with long work hours is finally catching up with
you- hope you will do all you can to pamper yourself and
take good care of you ! I know it can be hard when you're
trying to watch the finances and don't have a lot of free
time, but how about an "indulgence" day, where you get to
sleep as much as you want, eat your favorite foods, watch
a great old movie, take a soak in the tub, paint, or take
a drive somewhere different ? Try to eat well, drink lots
of water, take vitamins, get as much sleep as you can, and
take a walk or get some other exercise too.

Since losing my job, I've been having some rough days too,
feeling very bored, unproductive, and frustrated. Ive tried
to create a new routine, get out of the house some each day,
do some things with friends, and accomplish some of the
things around the house that always need "caught up", but
I've noticed myself feeling pretty crabby and irritated
lately and know its all my emotions catching up with me.

I'm sorry your kids are not being very sensitive or under-
standing about the situation. I would guess they may feel
scared, confused, and unsure about how to feel or how to
act, and am sure they don't mean to hurt you.
It would be great if they would let their Dad clearly know
what they think of his actions, how much his breaking up
the family affects them, and that they want nothing to do
with the OW, but maybe that will take awhile. The more
they are around XH, the more they are going to see what a
broken, empty person he's become, and the more they are
around OW, the more they will see how much she is NOT like
you, and will never be their Mom.

I get a great visual image of ChaCha's description above-
"You can dress a pig in lace but it'll still roll around
in the mud !"= love it !!

Hugs and prayers to you,
Slammed

As I predicted EXWH waited until the last day of the month tp pay the alimony. This being the first of many I am sure he was not happy doing it.

I was at work when he came by the house to drop it off and he had our DS bring it in. He still won't get out of the car to even say hello to his mom.

Anyhow I got home and my MIL said there is something for you on the dresser. I saw the envelope laying there in my WH'S handwritting and felt a sense of loss. He had written on the front of it To: BS XXXXX very formal like. As I opened the envelope and looked at the check I didn't feel happy at all like I thought I would.

My MIL looked at me and asked was I ok, and I just started crying and looked at her and said this is not what I ever wanted. She had a tear come to her eye and said I know.

This money does help bring me relieve in paying bills and surviving, but it does not make me happy at all.

EXWH has really done it with his sister as well. She really let him have it monday when he called her whinning. She told him life does not revolve arond him and she is tired of it always about him. She has her own family and her husband is leaving for Afghanastan(sp?) before thanksgiving and she does not want to hear anymore of his crap. She told him he did this and live with it. So now he has told everyone they don't have to worry about him anymore he will stay out of all our lives. So far he has contacted no one since then.

So anyhow at least he paid, still no Divorce papers yet though. Can't seem to get any answers from his attorney as to what the hold up is.


Hurting

oklahoma

you might remember from my thread that my father left my mother for another woman and they divorced. my mom recently told me that it really hurt her that all of us kids talked about him all of the time. we talked about the things he bought for the OW house and cookouts they had....we didn't realize that we were hurting her and she never told us.

i wish she had!

i never even realized that she still loved my dad. i thought that after he had left her for someone else...and divorced her (he was also physically abusive to her) that she must really hate him.

she never explained to us that she still loved him and it really hurt her to hear about his life without her.

i wish she had.....we hurt her because we didn't know and she didn't tell us because she didn't want to hurt us by making us feel like we couldn't talk about him.

my advice is to be really honest with you kids about your feelings.....i wish my mom had

Eav,

I have been honest with them about my feelings. This last bit of information really set me off. They all now know how I feel. So far they have not even mentioned his name to me since last week. I hope they keep it that way.


Hurting

((( Healing )))

I am clear across the country at my son's and have finally figured out how to log on here.

When I read the title of your post, I totally understand why the check did not *make you happy*. Perhaps you are like me in that I am not motivated by money. I am more emotionally driven.

Break the bank - oh well....

Break my heart - now we got a problem !!

I am so sorry this is all happening. Are you going to be moving any time soon ? I believe, as much as your MIL is a huge supporter for you, it will be healthier for you not to hear his name mentioned - every day. I think that is going to be the real beginning of your healing completely.

You have kept your dignity through all of this and that has no price. no way, no how.

You, my dear -- are priceless !!!!

Your friend, carnation

Eav,

Just out of curiosity regarding affair marriages. Did your father's last with his OW?

my father stayed with her for many years. he was living with her from the time i was in 1st grade. All that time he had a little house that he used as his office...and by the time i graduated, he was living there but still seeing the OW. Not long after my wedding, they were seeing each other very seldom. so....it lasted about 12 years with the next few years after that just being more as friends in regards to the daughter they had. My dad never married her but then again, he never came home either.

Hurting-
Glad you got your check, and sorry that XH is still playing
games and making things more difficult than need be.

I wouldn't imagine you would feel happy or good getting the
check, as you were never in this for vindictivness or any
kind of revenge- you gave your full, 100pct effort with all
your heart, effort, love, and hope. Having the check will
help with bills and taking care of necessities, and there is
some satisfaction in that at least.

I think your XH is probably in a very bad place now, knowing
he lost everything of importance, and realizing he is now
left to live with the scummy circumstances of his actions.
Having to live with that every minute of every day must
be much worse than writing the check. His mood and attitude
are certainly not going to improve any time soon, and he
has only himself to blame. I picture him as living with big
heavy weights on each ankle, while you on the other hand
have light, bright wings !

Slammed

Since I don't have much pc time, thought I would let everyone know I am still alive..... lol

Nothing here has changed much. I am still working my butt off, DS is still blowing me off and WH and the bimbo are doing their thing with the exception of WH's contstant whinning of how broke he is..

Still no divorce papers yet and can't seem to get a straight answer from anyone as to why they have not been signed by him or the judge. So guess I am still as married today as I was 6 months ago.

I am doing good though, most days are real good. A few moments here and there where I miss my life with him and the kids and our home. But life goes on as they say.....


I did have a small talk with him today. He was pouring concrete right out in front of the house and as I was leaving we spoke.

I asked him how DS was and he said he is doing ok. I asked about school starting. I was very calm and non emotional with him. As he leaned into the car window I looked at him and said, " So whats the hold up on the divorce papers?" He looked at me and said what do you mean? I said WH they have yet to be signed by you or the judge why is that? He had this dumbfounded look on his face and said you mean I have to sign them? I said well yeah. All he could say was ok.

I said well gotta go, take care and drove off. He looked like crap, old and very miserable. As he drove by the house this morning I was sitting at the window reading and noticed him staring at the house as he slowly drove by.

I handled the conversation with as much dignaty and non emotion I could muster. Looking at him still makes my heart leap. I now know I can't see him it just brings back to many feelings. So planb has to be kept up for me.

Good to "see" you Hinokie. Are you still moving? and when?

jean,

Good to hear from you. No I am not moving to Va. my job is becoming what I want. promotions on the horizon once the new store is done. I really like it there and I would be a fool to give up a good job.

Plus I realized I can live in the same town as them and be ok. I don't ever run into them together anywhere. Yup I see him sometimes driving down the road but thats ok. And anyhow why should I be the one to hide and runaway I did nothing wrong. I see now my reaction and reasons for leaving were running away reactions. Just like his for running from our marriage. I will not run away I am staying to face life and whatever it throws at me. I was letting fear of him and her run me off.

I am not afraid anymore, I am stronger now than I have been in the last year and i can face it. they will not alter my lfe and have me scared again. I realized I can face them and not fall apart but I am not so sure they can say the same.

Hurting

(((Hurting)))

Glad to hear you are doing OK. You are strong, I know you will continue to heal. It's good to hear about your job and the possibilities coming up. Take care & Hang in there.

You are definitely making it.

I am so glad to hear that you are staying put and staying strong! You sound great! Will you stay in your current house or is SIL still taking the house?

How is your oldest son and family doing? Did he get straightened with his marital issues?

Jean,

I have been out of my house for almost two months now. I am still living with m MIL but hopefully will have my own place by next month. Now that WH is paying his alimony things are easier money wise. SIL has finished the work on the house and is moving in this weekend.

ODS is doing fine and seems to be on track. In fact I am sitting here waiting for them now. they are coming to visit with the grandbabies this week. they should be here within the hours they are like 70 miles out now.

Unfortunate part is we have no room for them to stay here and it looks like they may be staying with WH and the bimbo. I don't like it but not much I can do. I am going to try and work something out for them to stay here though. I told them if they stay with WH I do not want to hear one word about anything that is said or done over there.

As bad as I hate this I have to accept the fact she is part of WH'S life and will be around at least for now. I dont have to like it or condone it but accept it maybe so.

Hurting

I'm sorry about my brain lapse, now I remember you packing and stuff.

Have a great visit with ODS and family!

Hurting-
So glad to read your update and hear that you are doing
so well. You are really "rising up", while WH is quickly
sinking into all the "muck" he got himself into !

Glad the job situation is good and you are feeling good
about staying where you are.

I am still looking for a job, and have had some long,
boring, days but I'm hanging in there. Seems that not
going to work gives me more time to think of WH and
that situation, which isn't so good. I am taking a
little vacation for a few days and am looking forward
to that as a "change of scenery".

Enjoy the time with your family and grandkids!
Slammed

Yea Healing !!!

You sound so darn good.

Look at all you have been through and you have come out shining on the other side.

The growth and strength that you have acquired amazes everyone, I am sure.

Gosh - you sound so good !!!

As the saying goes ~~

Don't let the ba$[censored] get you down.


Carnation