BB

I'd say she'd shoot me down b/c she had pre-conceived notions on how the SF would be - sometimes good and sometimes not great. She'd tell me this and now I feel it's the influence of her having been w/ another M.


True - it's something we both want to work on but are having difficulty.

Yes, AD military actually. Very perceptive of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I just finished a 2 yr assignment where I was a geo bachelor and am now home full time now on my new assignment. The geo-bach and deployments were a significant causal factor in this OM's ability to worm his way into our M.

V/r,
No way

Low Orbit,

Well, we discussed the very same thing, in a humorous way, as a possibility. Got me, I'm not a doctor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]


It's tough and that's why it bothers me and I'm asking if others have had the same experiences. It's not a deal breaker - I do love her and believe she loves me, plus with two kids, that would be selfish of me to call off the M because of a lack of SF. If she were to resume the A, then that's a deal breaker (she knows this).

Thanks, not without it's challenges but I pray daily for God's help and grace for both my FWW and I.

V/r,
No Way

Not if it is high on your EN's list.

For me H&O and SF are high on my emotional needs list.

If your EN's are not being met you have a valid concern. A's are known to happen when one Spouse is not having their EN's met.

If SF is not one of your big EN's then it is ok I guess.

Hurting - No, SF is #1 on my list, my FWW says it's high for her too but I don't see that translated into much SF activity btwn us. It's an impasse for both of us and a major problem.
We get along in about every area except this. Our MC liked that way we related to each other except we didn't explore this area very much. He suggested we spend time cuddling, etc. but like I said, my FWW likes the "main event", not very much of the snuggling.

PS. I'm still figuring out this quote stuff, so thanks for bearing with me.

V/r,
No Way

BTW (by the way)...
KWIM = Know What I Mean?

No Way,

Ok first I really liked Star's advice to you about getting the job done before you get on the job so to speak. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I would like to encourage you to look for articles on Sexual Aversion, it often happens after an A and it can be addressed.

Next, think about "other" sexual things you can do. I learned long ago when starting and running an organization that you cannot "replace" someone who leaves. If the person is good, they tend to make the job their own, accentuating their strengths and avoiding their weaknesses. So when hiring someone new, the idea was NOT to look for someone like the previous person, but someone that had basic good, sound qualities, and then let them make the job their own.

I think you should consider this as well. Enthusiasm overcomes many things, focus overcomes many things, and often a different approach overcomes things. I would recommend that you consider "making this job your own" and not try to replace OM. Do you see what I mean? More touch, more oral (if that works for you), more time, interesting times or places, lay out a battle plan and consider that this job should be your own.

So please look up sexual aversion, it has been discussed at length on this site, but not for a few years.

God Bless,

JL

No way,

I don`t know if you are aware of this or not but it is possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculating.

My H used to be a bit quick on the trigger sometimes too but that is no longer a problem.

I am not a man so I`ll try to explain this the best I can. Men have a muscle that can squeeze off the flow of ejaculation. It`s not something that men regularily use but it`s there. My H likens it to cutting off urine flow. It`s not the same muscle but it`s in the same area.

Now the first couple of times H did this was purely by accident. H wasn`t sure exactly what happened, He felt like he had an orgasm but he did not ejaculate. And he could keep right on going.

Then I ran across some information about this and told my H he wasn`t imagining it, this is something any man can learn to do.

So H made a concerted effort to try and do it again. After a few misses he got the hang of it. Now he can do it anytime he chooses. H can have a few orgasms before he`s done and now he decides when he`s done.

I do not remember what this technique is called, perhaps some of the men here have heard of this and could fill in more info. I think a Tantric sex manual (sic?) might also explain how this is done.

And it is my understanding that this is something you can practice till you get the hang of it by yourself.

JL and Daisy,
Thanks for the replies and good advice. I wholeheartedly have the desire and need for SF w/ my W and it's something we enjoyed in the past, though w/ some glitches. I'm willing and have used other approaches and ways w/ her b/c it completes the connection in our M and I enjoy it too. I don't think she's sexually averse (except maybe w/ me) but I will look the topic up. I've asked her in the past and she says no, that it that preconceived notion of how things are. It's not like that and I say it's the residual poison left from the A.
Daisy - I'd heard of this technique (kegels I think) you mentioned and have tried it with some success. It takes some practice but I'll continue to try it.

V/r,
No Way

No Way, let me reassure you that size is not the issue here. I have a theory that a lot of OM's are actually very small in the size department (the OM in my case was and I've heard of others on here). I think that is why some of them become OMs. They are masters of romance and smooth talking.

Also, I don't wear your wife's age as a reason either. I'm 52 and have had absolutely NO change in my very strong libido as the years have gone by.

What IS the problem is intimacy. Your W is still a WW in her head.

My H and I have been in recovery for a while now...and have similar SF issues.

We worked on it in MC and read a few books on the subject.

There was one set of books that were quite helpful, but they were loaners and I'm not sure I have the titles right.
One was 'How to have great sex...for men', the other was the same for women. I believe they were purchased at Chapters.

My H and I read them at the same time, and make a point of discussing what interested us when we could.

For us the issue was emotional intimacy. We didn't need to cuddle etc...we needed to talk openly and honestly about things that MATTERED to each of us. Whenever we accomplished that I was more open to SF. (never a problem for him)

Also...my H is sometimes a bit 'quick on the trigger' as well...and we found a desensitizing lotion at an adult 'toy store' that works really well. The sales folks at those places are pretty informative...if you're not to embarassed to ask.

One more point...I agree that size isn't an issue. Did you know that there are no nerve endings higher than 4 inches inside most women? It was news to me when I found out. LOL!

Ok...I'm blushing now.

Good luck to you!
B.

was it the "Married guys guide to good sex" by Penner?

Don't think so BK...but I'm going to double check with the friend that loaned them to us and get back to ya'll.

My ex WW would only O orally. I would stick to it till I know she did. Then I would go for the "main event".

If you're worried about endurance, don't. Worrying about it will only make it a self fullfilling prophecy. Focus on her pleasure and what you're doing that she enjoys.

When you feel you're getting close to O, pull out and stop the stimulus that is getting you there. Once you calm yourself back down, go back in. It usually only take a few seconds. It might take a few times before you get the urge under control, but I was able to do this and get to the point where I had total control and wasn't going to O until I decided it was time to.

The big thing here is to focus on her and her pleasure and not think about your endurance. If you worry about it, you will have problems. Same with her, if she concentrates on you, the O will take care of itself.

Make it a game and it will be exciting for both.

Is your wife willing to let you take the lead and initiate S now? Have you asked her to agree to this? If you are always the one taken by surprise, I can see how it could be difficult for you since you can be quick on the trigger. I would think that if you were the one in charge more often, you could set things up better: Pull your trigger on your own first to calm yourself down, use desensitizing lotion first, mentally prepare yourself to use muscle control (that suggestion sounds great-stopping the ejaculate using muscle control). Can you have a quick trigger O first with oral S and then keep things up in order to have S in a standard way?

It sounds like that "size" issue is a non issue since she has an O with you. Sounds like the quick trigger is the main issue. Again, I think it would be difficult for you to solve the quick trigger problem if you are not the initiator more frequently.
Lake

KiwiJ,
Thanks for your reassurance and you are correct about the OM being a master of smooth talking, he used to be a friend of mine.
I think you also hit the nail on the head here too! I know she feels regret and guilt over this and has said that the smooth talker wormed his way in bit by bit (probably the typical method). I'm concerned that she's still vulnerable as a FWW to being sucked back in, though NC seems to be in place and holding.
We are working on the intimacy issue and I do give her credit for admitting, honestly, what's one of the SF issues for her. I hope we can work it out but at least we're talking about it.

V/r,
No way

Lake, Papa and Banyak,

Thanks for the suggestions and from others too - all things we've tried and enjoyed from time to time. She just has to get in the mood to be willing to do so. Sometimes it takes a few drinks and conversation for her to get there.

As far as the initiator - well, I guess it's a pattern we've fallen into after years of M and years of her rejecting my advances. She says she needs more talk & emotional connection before SF. We've talked more openly and honestly than ever since D-day but sometimes it feels like scaling Mt. Everest. If you remember the movie "As Good As it Gets" w/ Jack Nicholson where he says to Helen Hunt, that he's all talked out and exhausted? Sometimes it feels like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Still, I want to be the initiator sometimes and will continue to pursue my #1 EN. I only want her, I'm not concerned w/ becoming a WS b/c my EN isn't being met.

It just doesn't seem normal for a couple who both claim to enjoy SF to rarely have it, thus the frustration and disappointment for both.

V/r,
No way

Just wanted to pop back in and let you know I wasn't able to get more information on the books I suggested. I'm afraid they've been loaned to another couple...and we aren't able to get in touch with them right now.

I'm pretty sure the titles are correct, but I still can't think of the author's name.

Sorry about that!

Perhaps someone at a book store can help?

All the best to you!
B.

Banyak,

No problem, thanks for the follow up. I'll do some research on my end.

V/r,
No way