Yes yes yes!!! Ultimately I realized that this entire life and every relationship in it is about me & God, my FWH & God... you can only control YOUR actions in the relationship and work to make things better from where you are NOW. But it takes a lot of support from your church, spouse, family, co-workers, heck anyone you can wrangle!

It is natural for you to feel "guilty, scared and ashamed" but put in structures to help you when these feelings of panic and shame start to pass. Because they will, and when they do you do not want to get tempted back into old behaviors.

Prayers,
MSA

GH,

Like I said before, you seem to be on the right path.

Would you mind telling us why you think you had an A?
Do you mind telling us how you can prevent yourself from doing it again when things get difficult?

If the OC does turn out to be yours, have you thought of your plan for dealing with it? Have you talked about it with your W?

I hope things are getting better for your W and You,

TH

First of all, I would like to thanks everyone for all the great advise, concern and support. It helps to know we are not alone.



I acted out of complete selfishness. I took my marriage and life for granted. I thought of nobody else but myself. I took advantage of a convienant situation and allowed things to happen that I normally would not consider. My self-centered thoughts lead to self-centered actions which resulted in complete destruction of a beautiful woman and our dreams together.


You live and you learn. I made the concious decision to cheat, and I will make the concious decision to not cheat. I have educated myself on how to not take the first step down that slippery slope.



We have had some limited discussions on the topic. Obviously, I will have the CS obligation. We both feel that NC would be only option to saving our marriage. However, the only way my marriage will continue is if my wife can happiness again. Only time will tell.

GH,


OK, I get this part.
I will re-define the question:

What was driving the selfishness. What need/s do you think you were trying to fill?

Have you read the sugested books yet? Called the Harleys?
Anything of the sort?

If you don't mind, I would like to hear about your progress.


Again, I would like to hear about this education and how your putting it to use.

If you don't mind telling us, where do you think the breakdowns were in your M?


Perhaps not, the OW is married. Perhaps OWH may be willing to accept this child as his. In my case, I would have been a lot more willing to let go if I thought my daughter would have a good father figure in her life.

Is the OWH a man of "basic good will"? Do you think he will make a good father for your biological child?

If the answer is yes, then I think thier is a good chance this "problem" could "go away" if he thinks you will not be involved. I'm not trying to say skip on your CS responsibilities, but if this man DOES want to be the Father, I suspect he will end up being "ALL THE DAD".


If she is still with you, then she WANTS to work it out.
You need to go in OVERDRIVE on her EN's.
If she cries, try to reach for her. Stay there till she pulls away. You may already know this stuff, but many men do not.

I thought when I spilled the beans that my W would want nothing to do with me. To my utter suprize, she did. I was far from perfect in the first phase of recovery, but WE ARE DOING MUCH BETTER.

TH

GuiltyHusband,

I am beginning to think you are my H LOL you sound just like him!!

Your replies in your post are very very important first steps!!!! In asking for forgivness you have taken full responsibility for your own action. You are heading in the right direction to fix this marriage. What you are doing is right.

I know that it wont help your pain, but.... when my H was told that what he was doing was sooooo right, his body shook with emotions, I could see a cloud lift away from him as he looked over at me and say thank god, cause I want to so bad to do the right thing, it correct why wrong I did...... so maybe hearing it will also give you some sense of relief in knowing.

We didnt read alot of books, and we didnt have the great support here, the first few boards was a bad experience so we gave up on that and figured it ourselves. Tho I do wish I had this board long time ago so I wouldnt of felt so alone in my pain. We did got to a counslor 3 times, not that we felt we needed help in dealing with marriage issues but just to make sure that how we are doing it is the right way, when we went the counslor shook my H hand and said that he already figured out what needed to be done. Then we decided to discontiue going cause we was already doing what he had said. But it gaves us the peace of mind of knowing we was on the right path.

But knowing you are right will not ease the pain.

Ok I just put the question to my H what helps him with his guilt.

He said, Besides turning back the clock, going back to before the A, but working to put the sparkle back in my eyes, seeing me smile again, and keeping them there, it dosnt ease his guilt but he can live with himself.

I have forgiven him but he still has to forgive himself. I am still working on that part.

Good point brought up. It is very important that there be NC with the OW. Do everything in your power to make sure that there is even no accidnet bumps of running into her. That is so very important to your marriage right now.

How is the communication with your wife? I do hope that you express to her what you express on here. And I hope she is expressing her pain to you. Please when she is on a rant, dont think she is rubbing your nose in it, anger is part of the grieving, and not showing it can just be that she is sweeping it under the rug, and it is festering and might make her grow bitter and slow down the healing or even be the death of the marriage. Trust me later she will regret some of her words. We all are aware of saying things you dont mean. And why it is so important she has a support to vent too.

I can understand if she dont post on MB, it might be akward for her for you to see her post, but on the other hand if she has trouble expressing herself to you, writing it and then letting you read it could help. I will post my email addie at the end if she wants to write, if she is wanting a more private place to vent. It is hard for some to post the first time, cause you are laying out all your pain. but please pass my email to her. Same for you, hubby says that if you want to write send it to the same addie but put T's H in the subject line.

Decsion on C or NC dont push yourself on that decsion. Even if the OC turns out to be yours, dont rush. Concentrate on your marriage, and when and only then that both of your are emotional ready to deal with it then make the decsion. You both need to be on the same page and be ready to face it together, as man and wife.

I got very lucky, I had a whole year to fix my marriage before we found out that a pregnacy resulted and a child was born. Actually I found out first and had to break the news to my H about it. I even waited several months after the DNA test to give him time for it to sink in before finally approaching what his wishes were. We had alot of talks and decided on NC. In alot of way I am glad that we didnt know and had time to heal but on the other hand after all the hard work, finding out later threw me back to square one again.

But dont rush your decsion.

OH MY GAWD!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I cannot believe I just read this!

WOW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Every story is different, every decsion is different, what works for one might not work for other, but no matter what and how they decide is their choice.

It is what has been my life saver with this board, every one realizes that every story is different and support their decsion.

I support the ones with C and I support the ones that dont. Just like I want them to support me in my decsion.

This site is for everyone with all types of story to tell their stores so the ones looking for answer will find one that hits them and make a decsion from and relate to so they are not in it alone.

Ok I had a brain fart, forgot to add my addie

thunderstorm@bis.midco.net

Gives you a "warm fuzzy" all over doesn't it. :-)

Wait till you see the one that talks about "the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe". Thats my personal favorite.

Sorry for the side track GH,
I couldn't help myself :-)

TH

OH yea, it sure does <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hey TH, I realy try hard to stay away from this place...its comments like these....oh never mind...it not even worth it...

ya'll have a greeaaat day! and dont forget to keep that embarrassing baby out of your way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> oh excuse me the embarrassing OC, that's right it's not a baby...its an OC that has no values or anything like that...

whatever! its a shame some people make the decisions FOR their children...my children LOVE their little sister...but had I kept that embarrassing OC away they would have never known her...go figure!

have a great day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Everyone deals with things differently....I can't tell you how many times people jumped all over me and my H concerning our decision to have NC. The OW and her H telling us that this is an innocent child...you are an adult..."get over it"...well, uh...no, I'm not getting over it. Noone, including the OC, supercedes how I feel, or how my family feels. We had innocent children to look after too.

GH, you and your wife do what you feel is necessary for your marriage...don't worry about what anyone else says...they don't live your life.

crazyhurt is correct. There IS NO cookie cutter ironclad magic cure for any of this. No magic solution. We ALL have to do whatever works best FOR US, as a couple. HOPEFULLY the vast majority are mature enough to present THEIR situation and solution without feeling the need to put down and degrade someone else's.

What works for one may not work for another.

Sorry guiltyhusband :-(

by the way, I will be gone starting tomarow or saturday and wont be back for a week. (dont want ya to think I stopped caring}

Will be thinking about you and hoping that things are hanging in there

TS,

In the case of GH, ITA that NC maybe the best option for the child. His OW was M. RE-Read my post and you will see I made this point pretty clear.

I do believe he has an obligation to make sure the child will be loved and provided for. If GH truely deems that OWH is WILLING and ABLE to love this child as his own, then the issue is settled.

Everybody goes on with thier lives.

TH

I read it, didnt say anythng about it, just told him to concentrate on his marriage first then together as man and wife find the answer.

Advice that I have stated to him already before hand and advise I state to others. Marriage first, then find some solution that will work for both, together, as it should be, and sooooo much better in the long run. So much more peaceful, and a better chance at repair the damage.

And I do hope you will respect his wishes no matter what he decides. That is the true meaning of helping, putting your beliefs aside and with a open mind try to understand their :-) Something this board has taught me to do well.

Well I can't agree to a blank check, but let's see where GH is
on this. Then if he wishes, we can have some civil discussion and debate about his and the W's proposed solution.

I know there are case where NC IS the best solution.

TH

GH: Right now you don't have to make any major decissions regarding this oc. I can understand that both your wife and her husband want a P-test. If I was one of them I would too.........in fact I am the FOW with and oc. Even though I knew who the child belonged too, I wanted that test just for peace of mind later on down the line that no one could say "HEY" kwim?

Is her husband willing to raise this child as his own even if it's your's? What are his intentions if any. I would be interested in knowing what and how he feels about this.

As far as C or NC........well that is a choice you and your wife need to make. How I feel about that is not important.

BTW...........NOT all ow's are as you've read in this thread. I know quite a few xow's that go on with or without contact and live there lives. I've seen some crazy ow's, but I've also seen some crazy bs's and mm's. This situation can really bring out some emotions in people.

It sounds to me though with the ow swearing it's not yours that she wants to keep her marriage as well. You both made some careless mistakes and now you've got to deal with this. Her too.

Everyone gets a piece of the hurt here and there are NO easy outs or easy reasoning here. Both you and the ow will have your share of responsbilty with or without contact. You both have to answer for this. It won't be easy for either of you and your families either way. It's just the way it is. Even if she was single both of you wouldhave to take your share in this.

Well said, Mary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks FF! It's just what it is. How we handle ourselves after the fact (since we can't take it away) is what is important and what maybe good for one is not for another for whatever reason.