Kill the affair, wilson!

Take the friend and have the friend knock on the door. Have him "appear" to be a salesman or something innocuous and you step out only upon knowing OMW is there. OM is likely to call the cops or go ballistic immediately. Be prepared to defend yourself peacefully. The police will not believe you meant peaceful confrontation if you bring ANY sort of weapon. You are on HIS property...you will be presumed the instigator of any confrontation. Be careful.

Perhaps catching her in the morning leaving for work??

BTW...wasn't your wife reading here previously???? Is she still reading and forewarning OM about this stuff???

As much as you hate the fog...it will continue indefinitely as long as you maintain the secret from OMW and allow contact at the school. It may really suck exposing her at work and seem to be the last straw but it IS the only way to save your marriage in the long run.

Mr. Wondering

Thank you for responding Mel and Mr. W. I will go by this afternoon after work and see if I can talk to her.

My wife found this site and many other marriage sites that I was going too. I do not think she knows that I posted here. She has been a little skeptical about using the computer since I confirmed the affair using a keystroke logger.

OMW was not at home this evening. So I was unable to speak with her today.

My WW ask within a few minutes of me getting home today if I had changed my mind about telling her. I told her that I still intended on telling her. She says that she is still moving out on Sat. then. (She has not packed anything else since last weekend). I want her to stay more than anything and do not think our marriage will ever work if she moves out. I do not think I could ever trust her again if she does. I have got to the point of telling her to make her own decisions just understand that if she moves out I can not see or talk to her anymore. I do not think I can handle it with her not here.

She is making an idle threat to prevent you from interfering with her affair. You are more likely to lose her if you don't bust up this affair. Can you go by his house in the morning? I really wish you would stop telling your W you plan on doing this. Maybe let her think you are putting it off.

Exposure works. Well, it hasn't worked for me yet, but I think I am beginning to see some cracks. Even other people are seeing the cracks so I know I am not being delusional.

Stop putting it off. You have a MORAL obligation to tell the OMW.

You can handle her moving out, and you will handle it. It is going to SUCK! But, know that you are not alone and that many other BS's have or are going through the same thing. If your Plan A is stellar and she has noticed then distance may not be bad, but rather reality is about to bite their fantasy in the [censored].

If you don't bust up the affair ala MB principles, and do it now, what do you think will happen?

She is having an affair! She is sleeping with another man!

You want to know what will not work: DESPERATION: Whining, crying, pleading IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. Why would she dump someone that makes her "happy" for someone with no self esteem.

She needs you to command respect. To be confident. Use the tactics the OM uses. (ie My WS's OM said that she should leave him and be w/ her fam. How NOBLE of him, to be miserable so she can be happy. Counterattack: Me: Your happiness is more important than anything I feel...it always has been."

See?

If you want to be a tad sneaky about it (and I sometimes get shot down for these hairbrained ideas...but my feeling is/was "alls fair in love and war")...I have an idea.

Perhaps suggest (but never actually agree yourself) a compromise. Indicate that you'd consider an agreement to not expose if she agrees never to speak to OM again (edited to strike out "and not move out" don't mention this as she'll see this as your achilles heal in the future with which to actually manipulate you...stick to the NO CONTACT BARGAIN ONLY). Instead of ever agreeing, just keep working at details like...you won't take his phone calls, you'll walk away from him at work, any email sent from him will not be opened, Etc.

This has the advantage of keeping OM and WW from being forewarned and forearmed. You most definitely DO the exposure anyway. Once exposed, most likely, very, very soon thereafter...WW willfind out about it and blow up...but, how exactly did she find out about the exposure unless she spoke with OM and broke her promise???.

Technically, it's a double breach. Oops. Bygones. However, remember...you just suggested it. You never "agreed" to it. She'll want the deal soooo bad she'll just presume agreement. WS's are easy marks...they are so focused on their addiction...logic and common sense fly out the window. Once the exposure is done, you can't put the genie back in the bottle and mmmmm, besides, honey, you thought we did have an agreement and you broke your end of the bargain. Glad I never promised...sure was a one way promise.

Sure she will still be angry and upset but you're a husband...I'm betting you can play niave for a couple nights and take the hit. No need to apologize other than the "I'm sorry you feel that way" stuff. Listen and take it for a few days...it WILL pass. As you've been told. Marriage survives anger, conflict is better than withdrawal but your marriage can't survive a continued or resumed adulterous relationships. Busting it up is the first step.

This may also buy you some space and time to find and expose to OMW without constant harassment and attempts at manipulation. Perhaps even get you through the weekend without wife moving out. If you are having trouble with weekdays, perhaps bright and early Sunday morning may be a good exposure day. Set up your fake "plans" for sunday morning tomorrow so as to appear legit.

It's a bit of a stunt...sorry if it's not you.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - To monitor for contact have you reviewed the spying 101 thread????

I made contact with OMW's mother in another state. She said that she was aware that they were having problems but that her daughter was not aware of an affair. She stated she would give my number to her and let her make the decision if she wants to call me to discuss. I gave her enough detail that I think she will.

As far as giving my WW the heads up about trying to contact OMW, she has been asking me daily. I do not want to lie to her and tell her that I am not going to speak with OMW. I think right now in our marriage I need to be as honest to her as I can be. I do not think I could tell her that I was not going to contact her and then turn around and do it anyway.

I know as soon as OM finds out he will contact WW but it is my thoughts and beliefs that I need to speak with her for me to be at peace. I am ready to take the hostility I will get from WW. I can only hope and pray that I am strong enough to continue telling her that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am terrified that she will move out. I want her to stay and us work on our marriage together. Thank you for the help and support.

As others have pointed out, if and when you talk to OMW, make sure you have hard proof. Emails, cell phone bills, credit card records, anything....print it out. Right now your WW and OM know you want to expose, so they can pre-spin you as a nutcase who is jealous of their innocent and virtuous friendship.

Make sure you have multiple hardcopies of everything...email has this funny way of getting deleted. Hide hardcopies somewhere WW doesn't have access to, like your office at work.

I definitely second MrW's comment about the spying thread. Read it. Live it. Phone recorders and voice activated digital recorders are your friend. A GPS bug on your WW's car will tell you where she's been and when...upgrades can give you real time information but cost more.

Have you exposed at their work yet?

((Wilson))

I understand the logic behind telling your W you were going to contact OMW... I agree it's important to be honest.

For the future, you could always say something like, "I love you and will do whatever it takes to save our M." That way you don't have to reveal anything ,but you are reinforcing the fact that you are doing what's best for the M.

Good job calling OMW's mother!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That took a lot of guts. Let us know how that pans out.

Your strength and perserverence are inspiring... I hope your W eventually wakes up and realizes what a gem she has in you.

KM

It seems so tough. Some days you will want to rage, some days you will want to cry. The only side you should show WS is Plan A side. Cry in private or with those who support you. You have told your fam, right? They are the best support you can get, though their advice often goes against MB principals.

You can always get a divorce, meaning, there is no reason to rush one.

If she walks out, make sure she understands that once out, she no longer lives there. Pack up her clothes, there is always storage (that she can pay for). IE: Change mailing address, get her off the deed, kids? demand child support because they are STAYING WITH YOU. Mine are.

These things are the opposite of desperate. You are pulling away from her (or so it will seem to her) and she may not be wanting to let go yet.

Good luck and keep your head up.

This is how I read your WW reluctance for the OMW to know.

So let’s say she is honest in the affair being over. Let’s assume WW and OM will observe NC and keep off the nookie. In what way will it harm your WW if OMW knows? How will it affect her and her life? If she was truly over OM then in no way at all.

So by keeping OMW in the dark there is an opening. An opportunity. Let things cool down. Maybe even give the marriage a shot, maybe just ease the conscience, maybe just get some money set aside, maybe get the kid’s a little older to handle D…

Therefore I do not see her being committed to your marriage right now – although conditions have possibly caused OM to be “less committed to the affair” at the moment. So she is “suffering” being with you as a sacrifice to the “love” she has for Mr. OM.

Expose. Don’t stop at OMW. I would say expose at their place of work. If she moves out then so be it. The odds are highly stacked in your favour if you follow the MB principles.

If you have to protect her affair to keep her there, then you don't have a marriage anyway, wilson, because she only protects it for ONE REASON. And like bigger pointed out, that reason isn't GOOD. The only reason she wouldn't want the OMW to know is so she can leave an opening. That is why you have a much better chance of saving your marriage if you DO expose the affair. EVery opening you leave only endangers your marriage.

Well apparently it is now over. I came home today and she was packing. She asked me to sit and talk to her. She started the conversation by saying that she was moving out no matter what I said or did. She said that she did not love me and could not see her self spending anymore time with me. She then started to bash me and all the things that I have done wrong in our marriage. After taking it for about an hour I finally blew a gasket and ask her to leave tonight if she had no intentions of staying. She said that she only told me what I wanted to hear Sunday night so she could come home and not have to go out and find a place to stay. I told her that moving out was the end for me that I could not offer her anymore of my heart for her to just trample it.

I can not believe this is the woman that I have devoted 15 years of my life too. I have supported her through everything she has ever wanted to do. I have loved her and honored her. I have been so proud of everything she has accomplished. How could she treat me this way in a two month time frame?

I love her but I can not stand to be around her right now the way she is. I want my wife back… Should I start plan B? Should I speak with her anymore? I do not know now after all the things she has said and done if I can ever forgive her and I know I can never forget. I think tomorrow I am going to have to break down and go the doctor for AD’s.
I can not even think straight to type this post.

wilson, you will be ok, I promise you. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but we can help you through this. This is far from over. No, you shouldn't start Plan B. You have much work to do. But what you need to do right now is calm down and relax and just know that we can help you through this. You will be OK, my friend, I promise you this.

What she has said is FOG TALK and REVISIONIST HISTORY. I am a BS. You want to hear some of the odd things my WW has said:

ME: Is this relationship worth losing your kids?
WW: Maybe.

ME: We need to get your name off the deed and change your address. (She lives with OM)
WW: Why are you pushing me away?

WW: I don't love you. I never was happy. I love you as a friend.
ME: (calm, collected) You know those aren't true. You have been VERY happy except for lately. You DO love me.
WW: Yeah, I know I was...(insert revisionist fog talk here.)

WW: It's over.

ME: You know, just because you live with him doesn't make it alright.
WW: But our relationship is over, I am with him now.
ME: NOBODY sees it that way.

Think of her as an alien that is incapable of rational communication and FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Plan A. The A is young. Good thing you grabbed it FAST!

It is going to burn intensely, but it will die.

Be patient and know that people are here for you and you are not alone.
BTW Plan B doesn't work unless you have done a stellar Plan A AND she has noticed that you are changing for the better.

Tonight I was finally able to speak with OMW. She did not know about the A. I guess that I already knew that. I hated to tell her the horrible news but I could not think of her not knowing any longer. We talked for close to an hour. I gave her as much detail as I could remember of what I had discovered over the last several weeks. During our conversation OM came home or in the room she was in, so I am sure that they are discussing all we spoke of. I guess we will see what comes of tomorrow with WW and OM.

I told OMW about this site so I hope she can read up and prepare herself for the days ahead. Thanks to all for your support.

Good job Wilson

Have faith that right is right...

There can never be anything wrong with doing right

take care of yourself --- eat well, exercise and sleep...

your gonna need energy for after the storm passes

ACT, Don't React...

WW's actions should be foreseen and understood as the actions of an addict. You can't control anything but yourself.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

wilson, good job about telling the OMW about the affair. Did she explain why their phone had been diconnected?

I would also strongly consider exposing them at school if you plan on killing this affair.

Hope you are feeling better today. There is hope, wilson.

Wilson,

I would hope you expose to school and school board. I would not want your WW or OM in the same room as my children and definitely not in a position of authority over them. Right now they are morally bankrupt, have no values and certainly no redeeming social value. This is not what I would want my children exposed to. They get enough already from friends who are living through their parents divorce and Affairs. They certainly don't need it from a teacher! If you allow this to go unreported you are part of the problem not the solution or cure for the crime! Hang em High!