HTBH,

Out with the old pounds and in with the new? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


EO,

I meant to answer your question on your thread...he's been back home since May of this year...he's now in the National Guard and working two jobs...he's the one who will be a father in another two weeks or so.

And I was alone for the services...my children did not know my mother...they do know my father. He's visited them for their graduations, reunions and once when he had a trip to my city.

And you're right...I did let go the outcome, only I did so with one hand behind my back, clutching a remnant of outcome and squeezing the heck out of it...which was my best surrender for years...two palms up, in front of me, is what I aspire to...thank you very much for helping me to see that yes, my intent was pure.

My father had another heart attack yesterday afternoon. I became very angry with God...my two palms were fists...and then I remembered to pray...and be grateful...

My sister was with him. She called 911 right away and he's in recovery after getting another stint put in place...the doctors said they would more aggressively monitor his heart and condition...he should be going home tomorrow or Monday.

I've been thinking about flying back down after Phoenix Rain makes her arrival...and spending Christmas there and the week after to take care of him...maybe taking one of the boys...my thinking is this would give my sister a chance to go home to her husband...I don't know yet what my Dad might want. Guess I'll stay in touch and ease my way along...

A lot of people have been sharing with me the loss of their own mothers...one woman said yesterday, "Yep, that's one you just don't ever get over." I love how people share when I listen...my suppliers, who I consider my customers (and my company is their customer), called and wouldn't leave voicemail...called back to get me in person...to express her concern. I was really touched...and she handed me a marvelous perspective which I've chosen to take...

Her mother died slowly, agonizingly, through cancer...and she was with her mother every step of the way...and for mom to have gone so fast, so unexpectedly, was a blessing...she got to die in her sleep, essentially.

God works through so many humans...here and everywhere...the care and concern people feel, though they don't really know me, is a comfort I can't describe. I think that is part of respect...connecting, sharing and honoring each other...if I listen and choose to see.

I'm praying right now that God doesn't think I'm stronger than I really am.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

((((LA))))

I'm feeling much love for you today.

Hi LA,

I've been reading through this thread, thinking and praying for you.

Thankyou for sharing you.

I don't have any words of wisdom to share w/ you, only my love to offer and send to you.

((((((LA)))))))

~ Marsh

I didn't know your son has been home since May, and with a new grandbaby on the way, sounds beautiful!

I am so sorry about your Dad. He's in my prayers, too. I'm glad you remember your intent, too. Remeber, that you can hold onto the outcome as much as you need, until you are ready to let it go, palms up. Does letting it go feel like a rejection of her? It's not, though, is it?

Amazing how your tragedy inspires other to share, and to heal that much more soundly in the sharing. (((LA)))

I'm sorry, EO, about not posting that on your thread back in May.

I know I posted my joy of his return a lot...and yes, I assumed you knew. Ack.

Same with the grandbaby...Phoenix Rain...can't wait for her appearance...

Thank you for your prayers...my Dad is doing better...might be released tomorrow...he sounded loads better this morning...and I'm focusing on accepting that today, he's there...I can reach him...

Yesterday morning, he was deeply groggy from lack of sleep...and God handed me a wallop...because my Dad began asking questions where we'd left off, a few days ago...I perceived that to mean that his love, his care, was deeper than mental aerobics...I felt his concern, heard his love language, all the way through me...and for maybe the first time in my life, I really got he loves me. He really does. I have wrestled not accepting it...remains true.

I was really angry Friday with God because my chosen perspective was that here was my chance to have a real relationship with him and he's going to be gone, too...and God reaches down and does his miracle and boom...I get to know I already have a wonderful relationship with my father.

Three inches to the left. Thankfully, God is patient, kind, endures all things...I can take that to the bank.

You're part of that, EO...and Mimi, too...bringing around our own words, the reminders, when we need it most...expressing love does ripple...and sometimes it has to hit the back of my head a few laps to get it...and I'm grateful I got it.

No, I don't feel letting go is any rejection of her or our relationship. I feel her with me a lot...and it's not judging or accusing...it's just love...full and real...no approval required. Just is...and I'm healing.

The more I accept I'll cry and then stop; I'll mourn a little more and then act in the present, the more accepted and acknowledged I feel...neutralizes my own self-criticism and embraces, not judges.

I'm sure I'll slip and stand again...and I'm glad I come here and share because that's my own bravery, and I am rewarded through all of you. Thank you.

LA

LA -


My wonderful friend, God doesn't think you're stronger than you are. God knows you are stronger than you think you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll keep you and your father in my prayers.

ROFLMAO, HB...

Okay...good catch. LOL! Thank you!

Of course, helps to know he loves me, and he's doing better.

Heehee.

If my dad's in your prayers, I can relax, because I believe your prayers are powerful.

Thank you for thinking of me...reading me...

LA

"God knows you are stronger than you think you are "

Ohhh, I really like this!!

You have such great minds posting to you here that I feel pretty inadequate trying to offer any advice .... but I'm reading and thinking of you.

And am still stunned by the whole comedy works thing .... did not know that about you and am now a whole new level of impressed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

LA,

Can we have an update on your father?

~ Marsh

Ahhh...MM...thank you for asking. I'll post it on my thread.

AmI? I saw an angel in the sky at sunset on my drive home...the cloud formation (for those who may rightly believe I've lost my handle on reality)...

LA

Oh, wait...this is my thread.

ROFLMAO

I saw AmI's name as the originator and thought...oh, she's updated.

ROFLMAO...I tickle myself. I really do.

Okay...so Dad got home from the hospital on Monday afternoon...and had a secondary heart attack at 3:30am the next morning...

Back to ER...

for another 14 hours.

Then to the cardiac unit..severe pain going down his left arm, and then his right one...finally today, the Catheter Lab people went in and found the stint had closed and removed it. My sister says that they made a small passage in his artery for blood flow to go through and other veins should develop around it and blood flow should improve.

In four weeks they will replace the pacemaker with a defibrillator. That's it. The docs believe meds will do the rest.

I'm in limbo...no idea because I didn't go into the medical profession. And my middle son isn't through college fast enough...wrong choices. He should have started at 10.

:}

I don't know...I think I'm going down the week of Christmas...maybe sooner...I dunno.

More prayers, I believe. I'm a little lost. He sounded good Monday morning, when the blood flow was great...now, I don't know. Did I mention I don't like indecision in myself?

LA

LMAO!!!

You tickle me too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Sounds like they found the problem and will be able to solve it w/o too much problems.

That's good.

I'll continue to keep you both in my prayers.

~ Marsh

Thanks for your perspective...I don't have that one.

They are saying that things are the way they were before he had his heart attack last week...except, and I forgot to mention, that he has a defibrillator belt around his chest at all times...until the switch.

So...you've probably got the better perspective. My fear skews mine...I'm craving fast solutions...instant security. Thanks for asking so I can see that. See? I need to be in your prayers, too...very much so. Ask for clarity for me, 'k?

I'm muddled. And I don't do muddled well.

(((MM)))

LA

Maybe I'm unclear too...

I assumed he had had a stint put in BEFORE he had had his first heart attack...and b/c it had closed that was the cause for both heart attacks.

But, now I'm thinking they just put in the stint AFTER his first heart attack and that it failed...and they had to remove it. Is that what happened?

So, since the stint didn't work they 'made a small passage in his artery for blood flow to go through and other veins' to improve the blood flow. This is a change from his first heart attack, right?

In the meantime they're going to treat him w/ meds...(blood thinners and other drugs) until he is ready to get the defibrillator in, right?

Are they going to let him come home for the next four weeks?

~ Marsh

I don't have any advice, but I can do the prayers part! You're always in 'em anyway.

((((LA))))

You got it MM...they put the stint in after his first one last Friday...which is his second one this year...they put stints (two, I think) back in January. He loves stints. This is the first one to turn on him (my interpretation).

So, yes, he's back to the way he was before his first one...and he was on medications prior to it, as well. I know they are changing those...Dad's unclear on all of them, only that they are expensive.

Lemonman...where are you? LOL (He's a doc and can put medical theory into really easy to understand words.)

They are most likely sending him home today...they don't keep him long.

I'm surprised at their choices given he just lost his spouse of 35 years...there is financial change, emotional upheaval (which is subtle by absence...something I'm sure he's realizing freshly, again and again)...facing taking care of himself...like cooking, cleaning...he's a yard man kinda guy...lots of change, all at once.

High stress, manifesting in physical changes...and Mom was his diet guardian.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She took great care of her man.

Soooo...I don't think my fears are unfounded...I suspect more that what they are choosing for his treatment is based more on his age (78) than on fixing...and I fear they are not being as honest about their assessment as they could be.

My stuff.

Thanks for clarifying, MM...you're getting really good at that, did you notice? Any self-hugs lately?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Give yourself one from me, too, 'k?

And AmI...your prayers are marvelous. Thank you.

LA

I think I've got it now.

I will continue to keep you both in my prayers.

I understand your fears.

Thanks for the hugs, LA...sending some to you as well...

(((((((LA)))))))


~ Marsh

Good Morning! I just read about your dad and wanted to let you know that we will be praying for you and your family during your time of need!

(((((LA)))))

I miss you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Just because you ARE you!

Oh, thank you, Rin...feels great to be missed by YOU...

I called my father on the way to work...and I now understand that they used balloons to open up the passage...and I am proud I was brave...I said...

So, they eyed your heart and all its ways...what about your head?

(Yeah, you can see why I got disowned a few times)...

And he said, "No, they haven't sent in a shrink."

"Well, I see them addressing the results...without addressing your stress."

"They can't do anything about that."

"Sure they can! Much the same way...take a close look, share with a close ear...grief counseling."

"I'll call my pastor and see what program he's got for that."

"Maybe weekly visits...would you like that?"

"Sure."

:::deep sigh:::

Doesn't look brave...I was virtually trembling when I spoke up. All me...not him.

He can't get comfortable in his bed...he hurts from the holes they had to poke in him in different places to get to see his heart.

LA

Oh LA,
My dad is 77, I identify.

A few years ago, when I was still young I said something like "Isn't it good that we are all married, and doing reasonably well, and you can quit worrying about us?"

Dad replied "I worried about you when you were small, I worry about you now, I'll worry about you until I die, and after I die, I'll still worry about you."

I think I see now what he meant, and I'm glad. I'll miss him too, but I know he was right. He'll still be there and be mindful of us.

I'll pray for your dad. You might need it more though, so I'll pray for you too. It sounds like he is stressed because he doesn't know how to process things.

I think you are stressed because you won't quit processing them. LOL.

Laugh today.............. It helps.

SS