Well, I have been searching online some to validate my Marraige if Emotionally abusive to me. According to any of the questionnaires I could find, it is.

I was on a website last night searching for info on it when she found out and she exploded at me. A crying episode that lasted over half hour to 45 minutes or more. She said that if I wanted to separate she would quit her job, leave the state, and also indicated she would go back to the guy she had terminated her online affair with a year ago. She also stated her happiness depended on me, and her livelihood depended on me and indicated her life would pointless without me.

This morning she stated she wants to work things out, in her letter to me, there were 84 uses of the words "I", "me" or "myself", and 32 uses of the words "you", "yourself", "us" and "we".

Anyways, irreguardless of that, She implied very deeply last night that I'm responsible for her life and what happens to her. Today in her letter, she blaimed genetics, her mom, her step dad, and her worthlessness for not being the wife I wanted. I've never once told her she's worthless, she's not worthless, I loved her for 7 years of my life, I gave everything I hade for her, that does not indicate worthlessness. She is trying to guilt me back into her staying with me or me with her. I shouldn't have, but I didn't want to lie about anything, I told her I have a counseling appointment for myself, and that I need to work on myself. She immediately said, so what is the counselor going to tell you? That we should separate?

She's blaiming the counselor before I've even seen a counselor.

I am responsible to myself and to God for myself and my actions. She is responsible for herself, not me, not our lives. She also tried to tell me financially can't be separated. I've done budgets for myself and her, and we can, but she was trying to give or feed me excuses to not separate or divorce.

She also told me, so the last 7 years have been a joke, or meaningless. These are almost word for word what my sexual abuser told me when I confronted him. He told me that everything we've done together is just meaningless.

She also pledged her undying love for me and said she's willing to change and do anything to stay together. She said that the last time when I confronted her on the affair (2 years in a row, and confronted her twice on it.) both times she said she would change, pledged her undying love, etc...

How many more chances do we give each other? How many times do we keep trying. She wants me to work on myself while we're together. Another way to try to convince me to let her stay or me stay with her.

I'm so tired of this. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm not, I need to fix a lot of things in my life, I did not realize how much the sexual abuse has affected me. I let her walk all over me without a thought to question it. I was just used to it.

I'm scared to let it end because I'm scared of being alone, yet, it would be unfair, hurtful, and mean to her and myself to continue the abuse also.

Sounds like it is fixable, but you need to learn to set boundaries on YOURSELF.

When she is verbally abusive to you, dont let her continue.
Tell her that you wont be talked to like that, and that you wish to talk in a mutually respectful manner. If she continues, leave the room.

But be real sure about what is "abusive" vs "expressing hurt/need".


She's scared. and with good reason. Some counsellors (many?) really are that stupid/bad.


It sounds like you havent gone through the "marriage builder basic concepts" together. Look through them.
Links are at the top and bottom of all these pages, in the "red" borders.

things got repeatedly bad for you before, becuase you didnt both have a valid plan to follow, sounds like.

Try the marriagebuilders plan.

If a child were in a situation of Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, would you try to get them to work it out with the abuser or would you remove them from the situation? How can the same relationship with an adult situation be any different? We don't have any kids thankfully. But at the same time, I've had the life force sucked out of me so long.. If I set bounderies, what happens if their violated, since her abuse has gone unchecked for so long, she has no clue or understanding that she's doing it. She proved that when she told me she'd go back to a life she hated and implied I was to blaim for her going back to whatever life she chooses to go back to.

We have read so much and tried to do so much together and individually, I don't know what else to do. Including read a lot of the principles here. But bounderies are the hardest for me to understand. You can smack a dog for disobeying or for doing something you don't want it to and it will stop eventually, but how do you tell a person that they are violating a boundery previously setup, and have consequences in place that prevent the behavior from repeating itself?

She needs control to feel safe. I need freedom to feel alive. The two cannot coexist.

Her need to control is not to feel safe. It is a selfish need the WS craves and will step on anyone and everything to satisfy that need.

You need to identify your personal and M boundaries. Every statement that countered the truth was babble. If life with you is soo bad, why would she expect you to be there for her. Why would she go to a guy on the internet she left a year ago? Hm.... suspicious smelling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You need to shore up yourself. Put your heart and mind in sync then take steps for your happiness. The WS does not want anyone t/b happy so you have better take care of yourself.

Read up on Surviving an Affair (Harley) and Love must be Tough (Dobson). Get that under your belt. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. Secure your finances and setup your own personal support group. Then tell the WS to leave.

L.

I think many of us BS's have this same fear. "Better the devil you know" and all that. I know I felt that same way. My WW and I are now on haitus and I do get lonely sometimes but I also recognize that I was just as lonely when she was still here. I guess what I am trying to say is don't let yourself be paralyzed by fear - especially an unfounded one. I won't really comment on the rest of your post because Orchid is much smarter than I am. I have never ever had a major change in my life that didn't turn out better when all the dust had settled. Just don't be afraid. I know that is easy to say and I have been there too - am there now, in fact.

"How can the same relationship with an adult situation be any different? "

It is different.
You remove a child from an abusive situation, because they are unable to enforce safe boundaries for themselves.
You, as an adult, should be 100% capable of enforcing boundaries for non-physical abuse.

Adultery is one of the worst kinds of "abuse" that someone can inflict upon another person. It leaves more lasting emotional hurt than almost anything.
Yet one of the biggest functions of marriagebuilders, is to help the suffering spouse "hang in there" through the abuse, to give things a chance to get better, and to give them tools to help make it better.

"how do you tell a person that they are violating a boundery previously setup, and have consequences in place that prevent the behavior from repeating itself?"

Well, there are books that will tell you exactly how to do that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I havent read it, but I guess "Love must be tough" is one of them.


"I need freedom to feel alive."

you arent free, because you choose to give her control over you. When you choose to stop doing that, then you are "free" reguardless of whether you are living with her or not.

Generally speaking, though, keep in mind that the "consequences" are from/about YOU, not her. You do not say "you went over this boundary, therefore I will do such-and-such to you.". Rather, you say, "you went over this boundary, therefore, I will change such-and-such about me, to protect myself". (you stop talking/arguing, or leave the room, or...)

Thanks guys, that's what I needed to here. It seems hard to find the right answers. I saw my counselor today, and he agrees with me in that, I've not neccessarily sought, but find the position familier of being the victom, therefore, that's what occured. I'm not using the word lightly, or as a crutch, it's the role i've grown up with, and seem to continue to have. She saw me reading an abuse website and went ballistic. She agreed with most of what it said, she acknowledged that she has manipulated me, she has tried controlling me through emotional abuse. She said it's how she got her way with her mom as a kid and as she grew up. anytime she "pouted" her words, I would say "threw a tantrum" she got her way. She didn't have bounderies as a child, so she abused her parents too. In way, maybe she's seeking bounderies, that's what she needs to feel whole again. I've felt more from her now emotionally than I ever have, maybe it's just her way to abuse me again and rope me back in. I don't know, she doesn't know either. She said so much of what she does, she doesn't realize she's doing, most of the time.

The counselor wants to work on ways to setup bounderies with me. He suggested reading Wounded Sheep by Sandra Wilson (I think that's the last name). He also thought I was showing signs of severe anxiety, and mild forms of depression. Who wouldn't when thinking about divorce.

But, we're going to try to work things out. I've consented to at least trying. What's another couple months, when it's been 7 years. One of the things the counselor said is that maybe if I change the spouse will be forced to follow suit with change.

But, my main goal is to focus on me right now and doing what it takes to start filling up my love bank and what it takes to make me feel good about myself. I'm not sure what all that is yet. You would think it would be easy since I know myself the best, but it's not. I don't focus on me very often, hmm wonder I how I got to this point...

P.s. I've tried leaving the room before, when I felt she is manipulating me, If I do she yells at me that I don't care about her wellbeing or don't love her enough to comfort her in her time of distress. Then she gets even more mad at me, and accuses me that I don't love her. She used to do that a lot and I used to see it for what it was and do my best to ignore or walk away from it, but there's only so much one can take when it's so much easier to just do what she wants.

A'las what is easy is wrong. I must stand up for me for once.

If there is any other help you can offer. I'm really scared that this is just something she's doing to get me to let her stay with me, and that it's not anything that will last. What can I do to test if this is real or fake? Is there anything I can do?

The first sentence in this quotation is true. The second sentence is not in the "not me, not our lives" part.

Lovelost65 - Would you care for a biblical perspective as something consider?