We had a talk this morning that was kind of disheartening. We talked about the different levels of physical intimacy and what he's is and isn't comfortable with. Sometimes he feels like he wants physical contact (holding hands, kissing, hugging, touching) and other times he doesn't. Sexual intimacy is out. Up until a week ago, we were okay in that area. Since then, the continuation of his A has been brought to light. He's really withdrawn physically and emotionally. He told me this morning that he's not comfortable with sex right now. He doesn't know if it'll be 6 months, a year or never. The last part was a bit melodramatic, and he admitted as much. He's just not feeling it. He says it's not about his feelings for me. I'm trying to understand the why of it. Setting aside my feeling rejected, I'm trying to understand what is causing him to feel this way...and is there anything that I can do to make him feel comfortable with me again?

OB1 - I ache for you because I remember feeling the same way.

He's feeling he's not worthy and doesn't know if he'll ever feel worthy of you again. Think of him being in a pit so deep he cannot see a way out. You're there and you can see it....but he doesn't BELIEVE you see it.

Yet.

Be steadfast. Do not waiver.

It will take time....but contact with the tart must end before he can gain his footing enough to start climbing.

You are good and you are strong and you are kind....believe it OBWAN and you will be the light he needs to find his path.

All my love,
Kimmy

Kimmy, I'm so glad you're here. I need help dealing with this. I'm feeling pretty lost right now. He's confused. I'm confused.

Confusion is good....right?

niosgirlatyahoodotcom

I love you so much....you know that right?

You are not alone, no matter how alone you're feeling today. I'm here and I went through it all....here's my hand...we'll get through this.

I promise.

Kimmy nailed it on the head OB1...this is not about you...sad to say it's all about him...

Once C has ended things will get better...be still, be the greatest you can possible be, and Plan A the he!! out of him...

You're doing great and you have a great mentor on your hands!

Sorry OB,

My post wasn't helpful so I'm deleting it.

Give it time, feeling do return.

Email for you OBWAN.

What you say makes sense. I guess, I KNOW, in a common sense sort of way. Knowing it and living it, that's the struggle. I feel I can, and then I feel I can't. I want to, but I don't know how long I can last. Everyday that we wake up together I feel strong enough to endure this, but as the day progresses, the hopeless feelings creep in. I start getting teary eyed, until it gets too hard to hold the tears in check.

I know.

And time plods on so s-l-o-w-l-y while they make half hearted attempts at climbing their way out. Makes one want to scream and pull one's hair out, no? But all that gets you is a sore throat and bald patches.

When you need to cry, you can call me. I will not let you cry by youself....and I'll tell you when it's time to quit crying, to fix your mascara and put your lipgloss on, okay?

- Kimmy

It's the half-hearted efforts that drive me crazy. I know this man! I know what he's capable of. I know how he can make me feel. He can make me feel so loved and safe. He can be so attentive and caring. This isn't even close. His half-a$$ed efforts only serve to remind me of how much we're missing. His lack of 100% committment baffles me, considering how much is at stake. Fog? Where are the [email]d@mn[/email] fog lights?!

But it was honest. It was real. I appreciate that immensely. I don't want sunshine enemas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm looking to understand WHY he feels the way he does. I don't know if monogamy comes into play. It might, but I'm not sure. For 2 months after the initial D-day, our sex life was fine. There was actually MORE. That was me reaching out to meet his EN's...and mine. We had both gotten stuck in feeling uncertainty about the other's receptiveness. I had to set aside my reservations and inhibition about being the initial agressor and just go for it. I knew I needed to let him know that I WAS interested. That I DID want him. We appeared to be doing pretty good. Not as good as I would have liked, but definitely much better than what it had been.

Now, just a few days after discovering the continued A, he's not "feeling it". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

We (Mrs. W and I) agree with CN.

Unfortunately, BH was likely doing the sex thing to keep you quiet and unaware of the continuing situation with OW. Now that the truth is out there is no longer the need to manipulate you by acting like all is normal and getting better.

Plus just the other day he got totally busted by his addiction (OW) for lying to her. To appease HER and maintain access to his addiction he's likley had to make some outlandish promises...like faithfulness to her.

Further, sex with you clouds his mind. When he's with her he knows what he wants to do...he feels powerful and mighty. With you he's just a husband, with her he's a (false) KING.

All things being equal I think you should trust the instincts of the FWS's here (CN and Mrs. W) about what your husbands doing.

Keep up the Plan A. Non-sexual touching. Deep down, behind the fog he still loves you. You may even get him to break this "faithful" promise to OW and really mess him up.

Figured you like the truth (the others may be right) It's par for the course really. Doesn't necessarily make your marriage less recoverable. He's just still wayward for now. You can't obsess over it. It is what it is. Accept the uncerainty of it.

Mr. Wondering

So keep chipping away? When we talked this morning, he admitted that he was okay with the hand-holding, hugging, holding me at night while we sleep. This morning he was receptive to my kiss good-bye. On Friday, two days after I found out about the continued A, we went to dinner. We were gone for barely and hour, and it was very awkward for both of us. Last night, we went to a movie. We bought our tickets and sat outside to talk for a little bit. We talked about his comfort level regarding intimacy. Then we held hands for the duration of the movie. That night, I laid in his arms and cried silently until he slept. Then I pulled away and lost myself in my dark thoughts. I finally slept around 3 AM, only to wake up 2 hours later. He also woke up, and that's when we talked more in depth about the awkwardness he was feeling....and here I am.

I don't want to push too hard, but I don't think backing off is the answer either. Part of the problem that led us to this is that I had withdrawn emotionally. I wasn't being very affectionate. He didn't feel loved or wanted anymore. I'm trying to find a balance between conveying my love and respecting that he needs time and space.

OB1
My heart is breaking for you. I've been through it. My WH did the same thing. After exposure, we had a month of reconnecting, then he just withdrew again. That lasted for about 2 months, then he moved back home. He's been home for 3 months now, and he is slowly moving out of his fog.

It takes time, but your WH will come around. I Plan A'd until it hurt, and I continue to do so (for the most part). It does work. They just need time.

No sunshine enemas here.

I guess I'm going to imagine that your H feels a lot like I did during that time of my life and I will base my response on that. If it doesn't apply, then just ignore it . . . I really am trying to help.

Sex is emotional. Your H's loyalties are split . . . he is a mess. If you haven't had your loyalties divided this way I can't really explain how it feels, but it is painful. . . you feel like a manic/depressive and you take huge and scary emotion swings and you will grab at the first thing that you believe will make it stop.

He knows what he is doing with OW is wrong, he is married . . . married men aren't supposed to have girlfriends . . . he knows this. However, she is stroking his pleasure centers and it just feels so damn good that one can hardly think of anything else.

If he is still seeing her, you are only going to get part of him. You need to try to get him to end the affair, then try to pull him back home. Some WS just need a gentle push some heed a kick in the rear . . . some just need a kind word and a promise that things can get better. . . and be given the information that someday you can forgive him for this. He needs to hear how bad this hurts you and that you respect him way too much to just sit by and watch him self-destruct. If your H is in pain, he wants it to stop. Help him stop this damaging behavior and you really will be his hero.

I expected my W to just divorce me, I guess I even wished that she would have at the time because that would have ended that horrible split state I was in, she didn't. She let me know that my behavior sucked and that she thought she married a better man . . . that she didn't like the new me and wanted the man she married to come back home. She let me know that she loved me and she offered me an olive branch when I was expecting a kick in the teeth. I was floored.

I think you have a plan of action..finding that balance...it's the same thing with FWH and I...I had withdrawn from him...but I didn't know that he was having an A...H had/has lots of friends...but this one made me uncomfortable...

Finding that balance was one of the first things I had to do...Do you know what his EN's are? Is he receptive towards cards, little notes, etc. or does he like for you to do things for him? I'm sure there are other ways that you can convey your love for him. Words of Affirmation are powerful!

I have faith that you will convey your love and restore your M...just be patient...be still...he's talking and that's a great thing.

Good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



He started reading Surving An Affair. I do believe that some of it sunk in. He was quiet and pensive for the remainder of the day. He acknowledges that we cannot truly start recovering until it's completely over between them. He says he wants to try and work us out, but I'm positive that he's still conflicted. He's afraid of what he might be missing with her. I would like to say that it's withdrawal, except that I don't know that contact has ceased.



I've done these things. I continue to be there. I keep trying. I keep showing. I guess he just needs time...time to believe that 1)it's real, and 2)recovery CAN happen.

OB1...

Really you need to be snooping to glean more information about what is going on...Go buy a voice activated digital recorder and put it in his car...check cell phone records online...install a keylogger on the home computer if he uses it...You must INSPECT what you EXPECT...Don't take his word for it that he is in NC...Have you spoken recently to OWH? You need to do that...

Refresh me a bit, how far has this affair been exposed? In other words, who knows about it? Your husband is fog bound right now, and part of Plan A is exposure to bust up that affair...THAT is the first order of business here...Otherwise we are just talking about the peeling paint in the girl's bathroom aboard the Titanic, KWIM?

And yes, I agreed fully with CN's first post...CN, that was a great honest post and it was helpful because it was the brass tacks about the selfish thoughts and actions of an active WS...I'm glad that OB1 got to read it-CN, if you saved that post, I think that you should repost it-that was real stuff...Even when the truth is harsh, it is the kindest thing that you can do for a person...

Mrs. W

And he will NEVER believe this things until that affair is busted up and he withdraws...He is an addict right now OB1 and must be treated as such...Exposure is your INTERVENTION...Let's get started on an ACTION plan to blow the lid off this thing OB1...

Mrs. W

I agree Mrs.

We need to break the A up...he's already shown he can't be trusted to break it up.

BTW: Sunshine enemas burn.