I have exposed. My family knows. Friends know. His mother knows (no help). Her H knows. Her H has exposed on his end. The final exposure (of sorts) was to her. All the lies and deceit. He had her thinking one way, when it was something completely different. Now that reality has been exposed, I will no longer consider any further information she has to offer. My last conversation with her (last Friday), she made the comment that D would have a lot to prove to her. WTH?! That clearly showed me that she was/is considering continuing the relationship. It was the next night that D said he wanted to try and work things out. That in no way means that he has ceased contact. What it conveyed to me was that he was leaning more towards a future for us, as opposed to her. His feelings for her are still there. Those won't go away anytime soon. So, I've exposed as far as I can. From here on, plan A?

We completed the EN's questionnaire before D-day. I didn't pay close enough attention. He's got my full attention now.

The problem I'm encountering is that sometimes he's receptive and other times he feels overwhelmed by it all and wants it to stop. I'm guessing it's at those times that guilt is at a high.

>From here on, plan A?

Yes.

And keep YOU healthy! The only way to get through this is to take care of yourself OB1. He's proven that at this point he cannot or will not be able to help YOU when you need it. So you have me to holler at you when you don't take your meds....you are taking them, right? Cos your little brood needs YOU - YOU are the only stable FUNCTIONING person in their lives right now...and we are going to keep you that way.

D may founder for awhile but you stay steadfast and strong girly...even when you don't feel like it...ya hear?

- Kimmy

Yes, Plan A until it makes you want to puke.

Do not normalize the affair though, do not act as if you are fine with it, do not shelter him from your pain. If you feel like crying do it. If you are mad, show it . . . then get back to Plan A.

I know that seeing my wife in pain shook me awake . . . if she would have just played nice I don't think I would have left the affair. It is hard to see someone you love so profoundly sad . . . and knowing that you are the cause of it. It worked with me . . . my wife didn't do the MB thing and this advice is probably not in the script. I guess there was enough of me left that wanted to come home and rescue my wife.

I like to fix things I guess.

portion of your relationship. I remember feeling (yes sick to think of it now!) that I was betraying the OM if I were to be intimate in any way (emotionally or physically) with BH shortly after I told BH about the A. Since I wasn't certain we were going to be able to stay married anymore, I felt if I were to be intimate with him it would give him hope for things to work out when I wasn't sure that's what I wanted yet!

Not sure if this helps but that was the reason I could not have any kind of intimacy following the A with my BH. I am somewhat there right now again but for diff. reasons (OC w/OM long story).

McBecca

Yes, I'm taking them. I had to set the alarm on my cell to remind me. Yesterday, the alarm went off and I sprinted down the hall, past 2 kids to get to it. They looked at me like I was nuts. D doesn't know. He doesn't even know I went to the doc. I'm afraid that telling him would just increase his feelings of guilt and make him withdraw even more. Sometimes I feel like I'm shouldering the burden of this alone. I'm trying to be patient, supportive and understanding, while dealing with my own issues. I wish I could turn to him and count on him being there for ME, but I can't....not yet. He's too wrapped up in himself to really see and feel what I'm going through. He doesn't see how much I need his support. And even if he did, I don't think he's capable of giving it right now.

{{OB1}} Just cause I BTDT. Keep on trying, sweetie.

This is my secret fear. If this is what he's feeling, then it means further deterioration of our relationship.

I'm in the lot wanting to offer you the support you need...I'm with Kimmy all the way...LOL...I've even got the 2x4, of course should you need one!

I learned alot about myself waiting on H to come around...It's been one he// of a rollercoaster ride...you can do it...I have faith in you...Keep up the good work with Plan A...

Plan A is a complete turnaround from the year leading up to the affair. I think I'm confusing the he!! out of him. For over a year, our relationship was full of bickering/fighting and long periods of indifference. I was full of anger and bitterness over his chronic lying. At THAT time, I felt betrayed. He repeatedly betrayed my trust with his lies. That anger was always bubbling just under the surface. I was short-tempered, hard to please, demanding, impatient...a real tyrant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I wasn't like that before, and I hated it. The kids were unhappy, I was unhappy, and D was obviously unhappy. I had to make the choice to let the anger go and make changes within me. That's what I'm working on now. I know I can do it....I AM doing it! I'm not the bitter hag type. It's hard to accept that I had turned into one.

I'm doing my best to avoid fights. That's one of his biggest complaints. He wants to get along. I'm working on talking, negotiating, compromising, etc. It can be pretty difficult at times. He's so used to how bad things had become, he's always looking for the fight. He's defensive and will sometimes go on the attack, probably thinking that is the direction the conversation is taking. Talking him down can be a real chore.

In addition, I'm trying to get him to go out with me more...have leisure time. So far, he's been open to it...with a little trepidation. He says yes, but he doesn't appear to be overly excited about it. He's always got this long face. I'm really hoping he keeps his IC appointment. He's got a lot going on in his head...dark thoughts...and I know he's not capable of sorting through it on his own. He needs fresh perspective and guidance. I try, but he's still pretty withdrawn with me. He opens up a little at a time.

OMG, you and your sitch sounds sooo much like the way things were with FWH and I. I was really big into the yelling and H told me that was one of the reason he would go to OW's house...to get away from us...he said that sometimes he would just sit there and watch TV. That it was quiet.

I have to do the same thing with FWH in regard to talking him down and changing the way I deal with him now. He's not use to it either. A disagreement would last for days...silent treatment...the whole nine...and now I have it down to a few minutes...

Of course, I wonder if he's being more passive now, than aggressive...you know just letting it slide for the sake of peace...

Your WH sounds very much like mine...matter of fact, FWH told me once, "Well, I was home every night wasn't I?" I guess that was suppose to comfort me. He said another time that OW had nothing to offer him. Not really sure what that meant but I just accepted the statement as his truth.

I wasn't doing to good with listen and repeat, so I was practicing at the time, now I'm working on clarity and understanding.

We'll get there...sounds to me like we were in the same stop...it got to the point where I didn't even want to be around him...i don't know if you felt the same, but I can tell you I have come a LOOOOOONG way from where I was...

Especially in letting all that anger and resentment go...that was hard! LOL

Sunday evening he says, "Well, I could go be with her at any time, you know. But I haven't. I'm here."

Yeah, he came home every night, but that sure didn't stop him from finding a way to spend time with her. Duh!


With D, he said that OW and I are very similar. He found qualities in her that he had been missing in me. She was filling a void.


At one point, about a year ago, I found myself in a precarious position. I could have very easily crossed the line and had an A myself. The opportunity was there. I was so down on our relationship. I was missing so much from D. I was full of anger and resignation to a life that was not the way I wanted it. I considered it, but couldn't do it. As unhappy as I was, I loved D. I could have never hurt him in that way. I just couldn't do it. It's not in me.


For me, it wasn't so hard. I had a choice to make, and once I determined what was more important, I did it. I could work to salvage our relationship or hold onto the past. It was a no-brainer.

I have not read the rest of this post, so maybe it is addressed somewhere else.

I imagine he is feeling depressed about his own life and own personal choices. I am a FWW and I remember feeling that way.

"It was a no-brainer."

I agree, it was definitily a no brainer! The hard part was making that chose everyday...to not withdraw and create more...so often after d-day I want to withdraw because it felt natural and would have to push myself into moving forward...

It's good to hear that you respect yourself and D enough to have made that wonderful choice and not give in to an A. I wasn't same enough or strong enough when I had my ONS, so long ago. It was after telling H about it that I learned my lesson and have made the chose not to even put myself in a position that would result in an A of any kind. That was an easy choice! LOL I've been doing my very best to live by that choice and I've had opportunities.

I remember a customer of my company asked me something one time and I had to let him know that I was happily M...even when we weren't so happy. Thing is he met H...I was shocked by him asking...it was like "the nerve of some people."

Anyway, I'm rabbling!

I'm pretty certain that depression is playing a huge role in all of this. He suffered a work related injury about 1 1/2 years ago. He's a firefighter/paramedic. The injury is to his c-spine, and it may require fusion. He's facing the possibility of not being able to return to the job he loves. It's a big part of who he is. What he's doing now, he enjoys, to a certain extent, but it's not what he wants. He wants to return to the fire department. That has compounded our problems a great deal. He's not happy with himself or his life. He wakes up sometimes and says he doesn't care about anything. D has a flare for the dramatic, but you can get the jist of what he's feeling. Work comp claimant's that are out of work for a year or more, often suffer from depression. A physical injury can often turn into a psych claim.

Damn! It just hit me. He could go to his PTP and talk about this and get meds prescribed to help deal with the depression. Uggghhhh! Talk about a V8 moment.

That's cute...a V8 moments...I like that! LOL

Wow, that is a lot of stress riding on him...

Ouch!

I just talked to D about the AD's. He laughed and said "Why would I need AD's? I'm not crazy. I don't want to be whacked out on drugs like a crazy person."

He doesn't know I've been prescribed AD's. I didn't know what to say. So he asked me if I thought he was crazy. I went on to explain that depression is fairly common in situations such as his, with the work injury. Then he admitted that maybe he was a little depressed. Uhhhhh, ya think?!

He said he would talk to his doc.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Oh, and his IC session has been moved up from Friday to tomorrow. He was going to cancel his Friday appointment because he needed to work. That would be cancellation number 2. I gently reminded him that he needed to go. He got exasperated and said he would figure it out and call me back.
He told me he was taking tomorrow off for an appointment for a surgical consult, so I called the therapist and thankfully she had an opening in the afternoon. He has agreed to go tomorrow. I won't breath easy until he's actually in her office.