Hi people,

My sister posts on this website, and she finds it’s really great to vent and often gets fantastic advice, so I thought I’d follower her example with a little issue I am having at the moment with my partner (We’ll call him “Bob” for the benefit of this post).

Basically, Bob is a huge computer gamer. He loves his online games and loves playing with his mates online. Sometimes I’m resentful of the amount of time he plays, but in another way, I’d much rather he be at home, playing – where I can still talk to him etc then out at the pub getting up to all kinds of mischief.

Within the last few months, a girl has joined their party online. This girl is a friend of a friend etc. Anyway, she started emailing my partner. He doesn’t hide these emails, he tells me what she writes, and he’s quite fond of her, as a mate, and see’s her as just another person to play the game with. I’ve often watched while they play, and I’ve noticed that she singles him out quite a bit, and sends him private messages with little personal things. I’ve questioned him about her, and found out she is in her early 20’s, is at University 6 hours away from where we live, but her parents live within 20 minutes of us.

Last week he told me she was on holidays, and was coming home to visit her parents, and was very keen to meet up with him. He didn’t know what to do, so asked me if it would be ok if she came over for a coffee. I figured, I’ll be home, what’s the big deal, alright.

So, she arrived on Friday night. She was dressed to the nines, skirt – high heels etc. But even all dressed up, she was very plain and not threatening to look at. She was so incredibly socially awkward that I felt such deep sympathy for her. I went out of my way to try and make her comfortable. Bob is a quiet person at the best of times, so to cover the awkward silences, I was talking and asking her questions to try and draw her out. She left after 7 hours and after many hints on Bobs side. After she’d gone, all Bob said was that she was very odd and that he had nothing to say to her apart from talking about the game. I told him to watch out for her because she is obviously interested in him, eg, her eyes followed him everywhere whenever he wasn’t looking at her, and she blushed whenever he talked to her.

The next morning I woke up before Bob, and I immediately wondered if she’d emailed him. So I did something very deceitful and went on his email to check. Oh yes… she had emailed him! And I HATE the tone. It is totally manipulative and suggestive. And she can’t spell to save her life, which is another thing that annoys me… lol.

Here is an excerpt of the email:

I just wanted to thank you again for haveing me, it was great to meet
you finally <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and I had a great time! (hope you did too?) I can't
remember the last time I talked so much or for so long, although I am
afraid I lack the people skills to talk very well to more than 1
person at a time, and was worried I was leaveing you out too much,
Jane is more chatty so tends to steal the spotlight, shes nice tho, I
like her. I kept wishing I could send you a /tell to make sure you
were ok when you were being quiet, I never did work out if you were
feeling left out, or just tired or if you just like to listen, or if
you wished I would go home so we could play DDO lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I almost called
you Atur a few times too *blush* ooops! I don't know why, cause I
never have a problem calling you Bob in DDO.

Sorry you didn't get to play tonight, I should have thought about that
when I was arrangeing when to meet up and pick a non DDO time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I
didn't think I would be there for so long either, hope I didn't wear
out my welcome or cause any trouble.

So… When Bob finally checked his emails later on that night, we had a huge fight because I was reading it over his shoulder and was carrying on about what she’d written. He, being male, couldn’t see any of it! All he could say was “She thinks you’re nice and she had a great time!”. Stupid man.

My sister wants me to email her and set boundaries. She said that this ‘girl’ is having an emotional affair with my partner and I have to put a stop to it.

Bob and I have had a really had week with our relationship. For different reasons, we’ve been fighting a lot and I don’t want to start another fight over this. I want to wait and see how things pan out before I go to such a length as email her.

Does anybody have any advice?

p.s. Sorry for the novel!

OOps, also meant to add that in his reply to her email, he said that he is a very quiet person and that I knew she was uncomfortable, so was trying to make her relax and feel more comfortable. I was quite satisfied with that reply. She didn't reply to his email though - of course! It wasn't what she wanted to hear!

Well first of all you were suspicious about having her into your house and yet you did it anyway. I would have refused to let her come over (and did in my case with OM as he tried to invite his way into our home). In your case, curiosity probably clouded your judgment. But yes I would think the worst and believe that your H is well on his was to an A. It doesn't matter if she is attractive or not. Looks often have nothing to do with it.

It seems like online gaming is an EN for your H and this woman is helping fulfill this EN. So you either ned to start gaming yourself or agree to limits on his gaming. One limit might be that he can only game with men - if that's possible.

It honestly sounds like your husband likes the extra attention but doesn't see the threat this woman is to your relationship.

He may have no designs to enter into an affair (EA or PA) now, but should you two go through a rough period for an extended time, this other woman may increase as an option.

It would not be inappropriate for you to request that he lay down some ground rules with her in a friendly way or, if she can't abide by the rules you both agree upon, then he should cut all contact with her. Rules like no external game email, no discussion of your relationship, no meetings without you there, maybe no "/tell" activity, etc. I believe most games allow you to electronically "ignore" another character if she can't stay within the guidelines you and your partner agree to. If your relationship is important to him, then he should be able to do this. Obviously, or maybe not to him, contact with this woman is causing you discomfort. You understand his desire to play computer games and haven't asked him to stop.

It amazes me sometimes how many little things (that we could honestly live without) we do in the name of freedom that we know bring hurt or discomfort to those in our lives.

I would set boundaries for H and get her out of your lives. Sounds like potential OW material. Definitely sound like an unhealthy and not friendly to your R person.

Nip this in the bud ASAP.

You say this woman is not all that attractive and has poor social skills. You felt less threatened by that. In reality you should feel more threatened because those might be the very factors that cause her to push herself onto your H. She can't meet guys the "real" way so she uses gaming as her hook. What better ways to meet people when you are unattractive and have poor social skills.

Regardless of what you believe your H's desires might be, you need to view her as a predator and she is "stalking" your H. JMO.

On-line Gaming
Internet Chat Rooms
Beer Goggles

I have to disagree slightly. Even reasonably good marriages can be prone to affairs. Even if you are not suffering any rough spots, if OW is filling your H's EN's better than you, it can lead to an A. It is not a given that it will. Not all people have affairs even when the opportunity presents. I don't think most people see a member of the opposite sex and think "hey I want to have an A with that person". More often it creeps up gradually until the damage is already done and there is no turning back.

I would think about having your H write this woman a NC letter saying that he is no longer interested in gaming with her, wants no email contact, etc. I bet she has low enough self-esteem that it will shut her down completely.

[/quote]Even reasonably good marriages can be prone to affairs. Even if you are not suffering any rough spots, if OW is filling your H's EN's better than you, it can lead to an A. It is not a given that it will. Not all people have affairs even when the opportunity presents. I don't think most people see a member of the opposite sex and think "hey I want to have an A with that person". More often it creeps up gradually until the damage is already done and there is no turning back. [/quote]

I totally agree with this statement. This is exactly what happened to my FWH. The OW said all the things I thought constantly, but never said anymore - too busy with 3 kids, work etc etc etc. It started as friendship and them having 'lots in common' and then suddenly he was sleeping with her. He doesn't even know how it jumped to that level.

We are on a good road to recovery atm - has its huge ups and downs but getting there.

Dreamer - you know that she needs 'putting in her place'. YOu just need to find the right time and way to do it. Goodluck.

zuj

Thanks so much for all of your replies.

I have no idea where this 'girls' morals are! Honestly, she was in MY home, and she acts like I was intruding!

I did not agree to have her over to 'check her out' as somebody suggested. I had her over because I have no reason to mistrust DH, and I was trying to be as diplomatic as possible! I kept saying to myself "if she was a he, I wouldn't even think twice", and I had no proof that she had her sights set on him until I read the email the next day.

He is incredibly thick when it comes to women! It took me 6 months of practically stalking him before he finally realised I was interested - so I believe him when he thinks she's not really interested. It's not him that is the problem in this situation, it is her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

That would have been me.



Not just him. Most of us are.



Doesn't matter who starts it. Stop it before it becomes a problem for YOU and your marriage.

Besides, I disagree to an extent. He seems obsessed with OL gaming. Great place for affairs to start. You need to be spending a minimum of 15.5 hours a weeks of quality time with him. If his nose is stuck in a game, I doubt you are getting that. The MB principles can radically improve your marriage even if H has not had an affair.

dreamer,

Social awkwardness or not (and my guess is she isn't socially awkward while role playing in the game) this plain lil ole gal is good at stroking your husband's ego. That's the bad news....the good news is that you know how to do that better than she could ever do it. Sooooooo.....give him a reason to play something besides computer games!

Imadreamer,




What does that mean? Are you married to "Bob"?

Never a truer word said! Thank you for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> BTW, I love your signature.



Not in the eyes of God or the law - yet, if you exclude de facto. We've been living together for 2 years, dating for 3.5 years. Does it matter really if we're officially married or not?

One other thing... how deceitful is it to delete an email she may write to him which you might find inappropriate??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Do you think you can keep him 'offline' tonight so that he can't speak to her in the game? I know that he didn't yesterday and you had a good night last night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> so if you can keep him off today then she will be 'worried' and may write something even more innapropriate to him and he will feel more uncomfortable about it. Plus he gets more quality time with you and you can fill more of his ENs, and he can fill more of yours too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, I think you've got PLENTY of reasons to be suspicious. My wife got involved in an online EA with someone she met via online gaming, and was ready to fly away and live with this man...who she'd never met in real life!

Couple of thoughts for you. It sounds like "Bob" might not understand much about courtship. You might give some thought to this, and share some of my thoughts with him.

You ever watch how someone 'comes on' to another person? First, they flirt verbally. They'll also start visually. Looking the other person in the eyes, let their own gaze 'linger' on the other person. And the first verbal flirting is usually 'double entendres'...things that can be taken two ways, so that if the other person objects, they can laugh it off as not being meant that way. It sounds like this is exactly the kind of wordplay she's using.

The next step in an 'in person' situation is to close the physical space between them. Move closer, and then reach out and touch in a 'non-threatening' manner. Touch her shoulder, or her hair, or hand. The intent is to see how they react. If they accept the touch with no objection, it becomes more repeated, and eventually starts to move to more 'personal' areas...the small of the back, the cheek, etc...

You can't do that online...so the wordplay becomes a little more risque. Questions about personal life, likes/dislikes...and slightly flirtatious or 'sexy' jokes. Again...looking to see what the response is. They'll also start taking their discussions from being in 'group' or 'zone' mode into /tells. It's more private. A good warning sign is when they're in tell sessions even when grouped and chatting with others.

So you can see you've got some flags already. Add to that the "out of game" contact, and it's huge. He should have NEVER given her his personal email address.

You ARE in a risky situation. And at this point, Bob needs to recognize what's going on, and take some steps to enforce boundaries.

Note where I'd mentioned earlier about "looking for responses"? If he had responded negatively at any point on these, it would have stopped escalating. Doing so sets a BOUNDARY. It doesn't have to be harsh, but it needs to be blunt.

"I'd rather not talk about that kind of thing"

"I'm don't like talking about things like that with a lady...I'm married."


My situation got to where it was because my wife didn't understand any of this...didn't know about boundaries. I knew it, and had tried sharing with her, but it wasn't until things got to where they did that she'd understand.

Take a look over on the 'in recover' section, and do a search for threads started by me over there and you should find my story if you're interested.

At this point, you need to make sure Bob understands the 'process'...sees what's going on...and enforces CLEAR, HARD boundaries that she can't mistake.

And you need to have a 'go forward plan' on how to prevent this in the future.

I most certainly will. Thank you very much for your wise words, they make total sense to me and I can see you completely understand my situation.

Bob has severe issues when it comes to self image and confidence. It took me 8 months of aggressively persuing him for him to realise that I was interested. So I don't have a doubt in my head that though he may be a little sus about her intentions, he does not realise the extent. I also believe that the little he DOES realise, he doesn't see as a threat, and is flattered. But that is just not good enough for me!

It's very hard to talk to him about it. When I initially read that email she sent him, instead of thinking it through and being smart about it, I went off my nut. He now gets on the defensive with her because he claims he honestly can't see where I am coming from, and she is just a friend! A friend who has stood by him, and flattered him etc.

*blah*