I found out that my WH is still seeing the OW. I guess he never stopped. I found an email that was written to him by someone who said, “It was nice meeting you and OW last night.” So he is taking her out in public and introducing her to people. As what, I’m not sure. Wife? Girlfriend? I am devastated.

I asked him last night to move out. I asked him right then at Midnight to leave. He just sat there and did not say a word. I kept saying go pack your bag and I will drive you to the train station….you can stay with OW now….I am letting you be FREE! Still no response, nothing not a word. Finally I got up and went to bed. He slept on the couch.

I did ask him did he have anything to say and he said no. I said so when will you have something to say and he said never. He left today to go to Denver until Sunday. This was a planned trip that I knew about.

I want to do Plan B. I want OUT of the chaos. I want to let him go. How can I make him move out? He just won’t for some reason. Why wouldn’t he WANT to go live with OW.

I could use some advice. Thanks.

Ohhhhhh ..... I so completely feel for you!! I'm in the exact same place! Even right down to the middle-of-the-night confrontation (Except that I already had his bag packed).

My WH resumed his A, also, and also refuses to move out. It's hard, and chaotic, and a cruel roller-coaster.

The reason your WH didn't have anything to say is because he has no idea what he will do. He doesn't have a plan, he wants to always have his cake and eat it too, and you threw a wrench into that. And any response he could have given, anyway, would have just been a bunch of nonsense. Not worth listening to.

I've gotten a LOT of really, really great advice on my thread, so it might be helpful to read it. Also, can you afford to talk to Steve Harley? He's been a lifesaver to me, too.

A few of the biggest things I've learned are:
Take really good care of yourself, this is hard and you need to have all the strength you can.
Focus on your kids, it will help with some of the obsessing about WH.
As hard as it will be, try not to take anything he says to heart, and don't let yourself believe that YOU caused this or that his actions are even about you.

What are your options for convincing him to get out of the house? Have you already exposed to family and friends, etc? What about OW's family? Anyone who could put some pressure on him?

Hang in there! You really can do this .... it's hard, but you'll get there. Enjoy the days with him being gone for now. Try to relax a little and regroup and get your energy back up.

-AmI.

(((((Lost)))))

I thought this in the past and more recently when you described how your H has been treating you. It sounded so familiar..Your feelings were like mine when my H was wayward.

So you've had a D-Day...

No Plan A first before Plan B?

The reason for your H's response?..Because he wanted this to last as long as possible without your discovery. Remember how I told you about my biggest mistake of enabling my H's affair for so long, trying to convince myself that it wasn't happening? Discovery will make things different. He will be forced to come up with some sort of PLAN now. He's been having his FUN..living out his FANTASY...

He couldn't answer your question at that point. That's why he said "NEVER"...He did not want this day to come...CRAZY ALIEN....

So what's YOUR PLAN? I'm not sure that it's PLAN B just yet...Now you have the POWER of INFORMATION. See what his NEXT MOVE will be...

You can now say with conviction that you know that he is having an affair and that you will not tolerate him treating you this way....

You will begin to get STRONGER..

You will HOLD YOUR HEAD UP...

IMO, there is no need for you to actually DO anything right now...

The DISCOVERY is a GOOD THING for you, LOST...

Time to THINK and PLAN before ACTING...

AmI - Thank you for responding. I have been reading your thread. I hope that your WH talks to SH today.

Mimi - I feel like I have been in Plan A for over a year. I found out June 2005 that there was OW. I confronted him and her. WH has always been at home. Sometimes he actually acted liked he really wanted to be here.

This latest discovery feels like the last straw to me. My WH will not talk about OW at all. He says NOTHING! He has never told me he does not love me and he has never told me that he does love her. He says NOTHING when confronted.

I feel like my Plan A was good, but WAY too long. I did not know for sure that the OW still existed. Now I know FOR SURE.

Can you and anyone else help me with a plan from here?

I don't know who to expose to. My WH is retired now and has no job right now so no boss, we have no family that we are close with, and I know NOTHING about the OW. NOTHING, only a first name and email address, that's it.

You said wait for his next move. What if he does nothing? Comes home on Sunday as usual? Acts like nothing is wrong. What do I do?

I know I need a plan, I just don't know how to come up with one.

Lost, why don't you find out who the OW is and see if there are any opportunities to ruin his affair? You can't really do much to save your marriage unless you have all the facts.

Have you really gone all this time and never known who she is? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Why?

Who sent the "nice meeting you..." e-mail? Could you e-mail them back?

Can you get your WH into counseling, where he coudln't just not talk?

Steve has me right now constantly bringing up truth to my WH, along with the message "this is fixable....". So even if your WH doesn't respond, maybe you could try something like that?

You said that WH won't discuss anything about OW .... don't play along with that. Don't pretend like the A is not happening. Relate it to everything. How it will affect the kids, where he will live, what you think a good property division and custody would be. But don't forget the mantra "we can fix this...."

Not sure if this would work for you, and it's not easy. But it might help. Even if he won't respond, he'll hear what you say, and you won't be making it comfortable for him to continue his A.

Just out of curiosity, what was his explanation for where he was that night?

-AmI.

You cannot force him out of the house.

I have a plan that many here would not agree with. I say let him know that you need time to heal yourself and that you will not stand for this behavior. Give him the choice of moving out and you go into plan B or tell him you will file for divorce.

I am just tired of seeing good people trampled on while their partners flaunt their affairs in their face. Do not stand for this... show him you will be disrespected no more.

Stand up and fight for yourself and for your family.

Do your children know about the affair?

What kind of trip is this he is going on? Could she be going with him?

Why is he out socially without you?

Do you know what your legal options are?

So, if no job, what does he do during the day?

It might be a good idea to E-Mail her...let her know that you know that she is having an affair with your H... I don't know what others think. I did something like that. When I suspected the OW, I called her work and spoke with her, telling her my name. That got things cooking with my then avoidant WH.....He knew that I had stopped being PASSIVELY ACCEPTING of his affair...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I agree with MEDC on this...but there's no reason to go ahead and file for divorce...

We are saying that's it's too early YET to even go into PLAN B...

It was not a good PLAN A without full INFORMATION and EXPOSURE as stated by Mel...

Time to get on the WARPATH...

He expects you to remain PASSIVE...

Evidencing your STRENGTH and POWER.. GAINING HIS RESPECT is a HUGE PART OF PLAN A!!!

she feels that she has been in Plan A for a year. She also feels like this is the last straw for her. I would say that helping her become strong again and stopping any more erosion of her feelings for her H would be the exact reason... and hence now would be the time.. for plan B.



The only reason I suggest the filing... if necessary ... is to get him out of the house so she can do an effective plan B.

MEDC...I gotcha....

Lost...waiting for more info. from you...

Folks are asking some good questions....

What kind of lifestyle is this that your WH is leading while he is unemployed?

Do you know where he will be in Denver?

Maybe you need to show up....

my suggestion is not mainstream MB wisdom

here it is

call OW

say to her

"I know you are still having an adulterous affair with my H. I want him out. He refuses to leave. Do you know why he will not move out?"

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I like that Pep! Bull by the [email]b@lls[/email] response there!

Thank you everyone!

Let’s see…yes Mel I have gone all this time NOT knowing who she is. I don’t know why and I don’t even know how to find out. My WH worked in NYC and we live outside of NYC so he commuted every day to work. His work was such that he had very sporadic hours. I can’t go into the city and follow him, I have my children to take care of. I am too broke right now to hire a PI. Any suggestions on HOW I can find out who she is?

My children do not know about the affair. I was thinking I should tell my older children. What do you guys think? I will HAVE to tell them if he moves out.

It’s kind of hard to explain what WH is doing now. He retired from the military and is now doing jobs in the city. Such as Security jobs where he is his own boss, he is doing fundraising for an organization, he is helping to organize the Veterans Day Parade in NYC. So not just a 9-5 job. So he still goes into the city every day.

My WH often goes out without me. He is a party person who has completely disrespected me for the past year. He is VERY good at making up stories about where he is and what he is doing. He is also VERY good at acting like a family man when he needs to.

Last night WH was at a meeting, dinner, for this organization that is doing the parade. I knew about it. Of course was not invited and now I find out OW went with him. I have no clue who the person who wrote him the email is. WH got a new email account, not gov’t related and for the first time in over a year I was able to snoop and find this out. Imagine my surprise when I open the email that says “Nice meeting you and OW(called her by name) last night.

I just don’t know about Plan A any more. I know Mimi said I did not do a good Plan A. I guess it was more like a doormat Plan A, so she is probably right.

I don’t know how to proceed. I know all of this sounds lame. Trust me I have lived it the past year. I now know FOR SURE that my WH has a OW. He can’t deny it any longer, although I am sure he will. He has for the past year so why should that change?

Oh, and I did send her an email today. I felt like I had to do something. Maybe it was't the right thing, but it's done now. It was nice and professional telling her that I will not give up on my marrige to MY HUSBAND.

Pep - Thank you and that is basically what my email to her said. I told her I would not give up on my marriage, but that I have told my WH he is free to move out and in with her. Why won't he do that?

I'm sure she won't respond because she will tell my WH and he will tell her not to.

Wish I could just show up Mimi, but I am in New York!!

He is there for a hockey clinic, but that doesn't mean she did not go with him!

MEDC - I hear what you are saying, but I don't think I will ever file for divorce. My WH will have to do that if he wants out of this marriage. Ok, maybe I shouldn't say NEVER, but at least not yet. Although, it might get him out of the house?

LitC:

Earlier in your post you claim to have confronted him and OW after D-Day. Is it still the same person?

But you need to expose, expose, expose. Contact others in his veterans assoc., Non-profit, etc. to tell you who it is and ask for support. Melody Lane can help with this.

But:

You tell him to leave and he says nothing. You tell him you know and he says nothing. You have even sent the OW an email stating that she can have him. (They are having a good laugh about that!)

Time for teeth in our actions. He knows that you are a paper tiger. Take everthing of his and put it in the garage.

Then tell the children what is going on. Your older children will understand and your 9 year old will need kid gloves, but the truth hurts the WS, and is your ultimate weapon.